10-07-2008, 01:44 PM
This is a long read, and even through a child is involved, it is still a funny story, lol
I have no idea if it is TRUE, LOL but after all this is the Humor section not the News section, lol
Enjoy the read, lol
I had to take my son ' s lizard to the vet.
Here ' s what happened: Just after dinner one night,
my son came up to tell
me there was ' something wrong ' with one of the
two lizards he holds
prisoner in his room.
'He ' s just lying there looking sick, ' he
told me. ' I ' m serious, Dad.
Can you help? '
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his
back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
' Honey, ' I called, ' come look at the lizard! '
'Oh, my gosh! ' my wife exclaimed. ' She ' s having babies. '
' What? ' my son demanded. ' But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom! '
I was equally outraged. ' Hey, how can that be? I
thought we said we didn 't want them to reproduce, ' I said accusingly to my wife.
Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage? ' she
inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! ).
' No, but you were supposed to get two boys! ' I
reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
' Yeah, Bert and Ernie! ' my son agreed
'Well, it ' s just a little hard to tell on some
guys, you know, ' she
informed me (Again with the sarcasm!)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,
' I announced. ' We 're about to witness the miracle of birth. '
' Oh, gross! ' they shrieked.
'Well, isn 't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies? ' my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
We don 't appear to be making much progress, I noted.
'It ' s breech, ' my wife whispered,
horrified.
'Do something, Dad! ' my son urged.
'Okay, okay. ' Squeamishly, I reached in and
grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.
Should I call 911? ' my eldest daughter wanted
to know ' Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma ' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
Let 's get Ernie to the vet, ' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
Breathe, Ernie, breathe, ' he urged.
'I don 't think lizards do Lamaze, ' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is
one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God ' s sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered
at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
What do you think, Doc, a C-section? ' I
suggested scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting, ' he murmured. ' Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment? '
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay? ' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly, ' the vet assured us. ' This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn ' t EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is
a boy. You see, Ernie is
a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
like most male species, they um . . . Um . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.
He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this. ' So, Ernie ' s
just . . . Just .
Excited, ' my wife offered. ' Exactly, ' the
vet replied, relieved that we
understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And
then even laugh loudly.
'What 's so damn funny? ' I demanded, knowing, but
not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
manliness.
Tears were now running down her face ' It ' s just. . . That . . I ' m
picturing you pulling on its . its . . teeny little . ..
' She gasped for more
air to bellow in laughter once more.
'That ' s enough, ' I warned. We thanked the
vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad
everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie ' s really thankful for what you did, Dad, ' he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea, ' my wife agreed,
collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard ' s winkie: Priceless
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs.
>
>
I have no idea if it is TRUE, LOL but after all this is the Humor section not the News section, lol
Enjoy the read, lol
I had to take my son ' s lizard to the vet.
Here ' s what happened: Just after dinner one night,
my son came up to tell
me there was ' something wrong ' with one of the
two lizards he holds
prisoner in his room.
'He ' s just lying there looking sick, ' he
told me. ' I ' m serious, Dad.
Can you help? '
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his
back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
' Honey, ' I called, ' come look at the lizard! '
'Oh, my gosh! ' my wife exclaimed. ' She ' s having babies. '
' What? ' my son demanded. ' But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom! '
I was equally outraged. ' Hey, how can that be? I
thought we said we didn 't want them to reproduce, ' I said accusingly to my wife.
Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage? ' she
inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! ).
' No, but you were supposed to get two boys! ' I
reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
' Yeah, Bert and Ernie! ' my son agreed
'Well, it ' s just a little hard to tell on some
guys, you know, ' she
informed me (Again with the sarcasm!)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,
' I announced. ' We 're about to witness the miracle of birth. '
' Oh, gross! ' they shrieked.
'Well, isn 't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies? ' my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
We don 't appear to be making much progress, I noted.
'It ' s breech, ' my wife whispered,
horrified.
'Do something, Dad! ' my son urged.
'Okay, okay. ' Squeamishly, I reached in and
grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.
Should I call 911? ' my eldest daughter wanted
to know ' Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma ' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
Let 's get Ernie to the vet, ' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
Breathe, Ernie, breathe, ' he urged.
'I don 't think lizards do Lamaze, ' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is
one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God ' s sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered
at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
What do you think, Doc, a C-section? ' I
suggested scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting, ' he murmured. ' Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment? '
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay? ' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly, ' the vet assured us. ' This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn ' t EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is
a boy. You see, Ernie is
a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
like most male species, they um . . . Um . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.
He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this. ' So, Ernie ' s
just . . . Just .
Excited, ' my wife offered. ' Exactly, ' the
vet replied, relieved that we
understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And
then even laugh loudly.
'What 's so damn funny? ' I demanded, knowing, but
not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
manliness.
Tears were now running down her face ' It ' s just. . . That . . I ' m
picturing you pulling on its . its . . teeny little . ..
' She gasped for more
air to bellow in laughter once more.
'That ' s enough, ' I warned. We thanked the
vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad
everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie ' s really thankful for what you did, Dad, ' he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea, ' my wife agreed,
collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard ' s winkie: Priceless
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs.
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