This is somewhat related to the parenting forever thread.
An acquaintence has one kid - a boy. He got married recently. She apparently planned MUCH of his wedding. She was totally harried by all the work she put in on the wedding.
I'm like, WTF? I would NEVER EVER want my future MIL planning my wedding.
But, since I've never been married I guess I don't know what normally happens in situations like this. It just seems a bit odd to me that having one's son get married would be the cause for months of frantic activity. What is there to do other than show up and buy a nice gift? Oh, and get a nice outfit to wear, I guess....
DH and I did. I got some help from my aunt and grandmother, but we did most of it ourselves. We also paid for almost all of it ourselves. When I told my parents I was engaged (still living with them at the time), my father told me he had no money for a wedding. At that point, I figured my party, my plans, my rules. My druggie mother was incensed by this. She and Dad had a shotgun wedding since I was on the way and she didn't want to be showing. So she seemed to think that my wedding was going to give her a chance to live vicariously through me.
My in-laws paid for the rehearsal dinner and made the groom's cake. That was it. My parents paid for the rabbi, minister, organist, and soloist. My paternal grandparents paid for the wedding cake. My maternal grandmother and aunt helped me make the flower arrangements and boutonnières. DH and I paid for, planned, and executed everything else. (Oh, and my mother showed up to my wedding wearing a wedding dress and high as a kite, but that's a whole other story.)
Traditionally it is the bride's family that does the majority of the wedding plans, though now days it frequently is the bride and to an extent the groom.
My mom paid for my dress and hat (not a puffy white thing, Coldwater Creek linen dress that I wore to work for about 5 years.) She also gave us $1000 and said "put it toward your wedding however you want." That was her input. So we got married at a JOP's house since it had a gazebo. Just the moms as witnesses and then the next day had a picnic at a beautiful park in my hometown.
Considering my MIL had 3 daughters, I assumed that she would have gotten enough wedding planning done before I met DH. In fact at least two of the girls had blow out weddings. The third's first wedding was smallish but still more formal than what we did.
Nope, MIL had "suggestions" for our entire wedding. I had asked her to buy the sheet cake only. (Which she did bitterly since I didn't want much in the way of decoration.) But she wanted to have coffee (an outdoor picnic in August?), and me to carry flowers, and those bubble things instead of rice, and several other things for a formal wedding.
I got to the point that I would say "Oh, interesting suggestion. We will take that under consideration." And if a subject that I didn't care about - like the coffee and the bubbles* - got brought up multiple times, I told her that if it meant that much to her she could be responsible for them. Otherwise, if it was something that I was not going to do no matter what - big bouquet of flowers - I just told her that I had it under control and it would be fine.
Since she lives the closest to us, I was trying not to piss her off. Heck, I didn't invite FIL because MIL would have thrown a hissy fit if/when he showed up with his new wife. But I would not let her push me around as much as she wanted. (Though she did try several times. And drove my normally calm Miss Manners mother to contemplate murder.)
*Amusingly enough, we didn't have any type of recessional since we helped clean up so the bubbles were forgotten until about 30 minutes before clean up. And then the kids who were there played with them since we WERE NOT having a time that normally is when the bride and groom get pelted with rice.
Generally, unless asked, the MIL (and groom's family) is in charge of a rehersal dinner and the groom's stuff. The main duty of the MIL is to NOT show up in white and to smile at least once or twice for family pictures. (Mine couldn't manage that very well either) The joke is that the MIL should just wear beige, but I figure if you know what the bride's colors are for a formal wedding to wear something that looks nice on you but doesn't clash. Like the wedding is done in pinks, don't show up in neon orange mini skirt.
We did but ours was very low key.
We didn't have invitations - we phoned people. It was very, very casual.
My mom would have liked to have helped more, but I had no desire to plan a wedding, so DH and I went to Vegas. The biggest amount of planning we did was to pick the hotel we liked best. DH isn't close to his family at all, so they had no input. They didn't come...didn't even send us a card. My mom did call and arrange to have dinner at one of the hotel restaurants and had them make us a cake. My parents did pay for almost all of the wedding, but since we just did a package w/ the hotel, it was easy to keep the spending under control. I didn't want them to pay for it all, but my dad insisted.
One of the girls I work with is having some wedding planning trouble. Her mom is a little like Gingerzing's...she keeps buying things for the wedding w/o consulting the bride. She'll call and say, "I saw these really cute **whatever** that would be perfect for when **something**. I'm going to get them for you." She always calls when she knows the bride can't answer the phone. That way she can leave a message so the the bride can't say no. Poor girl is going crazy because Mom's idea of a wedding doesn't fit in with her's in the least.
Vanessa
Me. I planned it all. And via long distance. My mom had Alzheimers and was not able to help plan even if she'd wanted to (she was never that type). I was 40 when I got married, so there was very little parental involvement. I paid for everything myself.
To answer your question, what Gingerzing said is correct. Usually it's the mother of the bride who plans the entire wedding. This is because traditionally, the bride would have been very young, probably high school or college age, and she would have been under the care of her parents.
The bride's family usually pays for the wedding. The groom's family traditionally pays for - and arranges - the rehearsal dinner the night before.
I've never heard of the mother of the groom planning a wedding before - that's a new one on me. But then again, maybe the bride has no family, or they are poor, which might explain why the MIL took over in this case.
In this day and age when so many people get married later in life, or get married for the 2nd or 3rd time, they usually pay for the wedding themselves, with maybe some money coming from the 'rents.
Vanessa -
Yeah, MIL tried to do that a couple times, but I told her that it wouldn't be used.
Your friend needs to tell her mom in a kind way, "I know you are excited, but that doesn't work in my plans. I would hate for you to spend the money on something that won't get used."
In my case, MIL would talk about it a few times and then I would just tell her we would look into it.
Maybe your friend's machine can have on it, "Hi, this is Friend. I can't come to the phone right now, but leave a message. And if this is Mom with another wedding thing, please don't buy it. We can discuss it later."
Well......if by planning, you mean the decision to get the application and go down to city hall, I guess DH and I did. We didn't do anything special.
I haven't planned my own, but having seen a bunch of options I would say that the person who pays for it has the option of planning it. If parents want to provide input then usually my friends have said "Oh, well how about you pay and organise ". They choose something that they haven't yet finalised in their minds, and that suits the given budget, and give the person the option of helping out (or taking over).
This doesn't mean that contributing money requires doing the plans... far from it. An overall contribution is possible, but most people have trouble doing so without wanting to give input. So putting the money to something specific, and allowing them input, usually results in the most happiness.
The latest example... You want to add 20 of your closest friends that I have never met to the invite list? That will be... a $$$ donation please.
I planned it all myself, and DH and I paid for it ourselves. I have no family to speak of, so there was no help at all from that end, and this was DH's third wedding so his family had little interest.
I had a friend in New Orleans around the time I got married who was also getting ready to get married. Her MIL was planning and paying for the entire thing. This poor young girl wasn't allowed to have any say at all in her dress, her bouquet, the band, the venue, the food, nothing. In fact, when she did speak up a little and mentioned that she'd like to have sunflowers in her bouquet because she likes that flower the best, her soon-to-be MIL "nearly had a heart attack," as the story was told to me. Apparently sunflowers are absolutely CRAZY INSANE for a wedding bouquet, and completely wrong, and there was no way in hell she'd be allowed to have those awful, horrible, evil sunflowers in her own fucking wedding bouquet. It was awful the way that woman commandeered that wedding. I kept telling her to stand up, that the MIL already had her own wedding, why does she get to own this wedding, too? But she told me that since the MIL was paying for it, she supposed she had all the rights to it. I wouldn't stand for that shit for one second.
A friend of DH's got married in Jamaica, so we went to that wedding. While we were there at the resort, we met some vacationing people, and one day a woman asked me what brought us to Jamaica (I'm not a hot tropical third world type person, and I wasn't having too much fun), so I told her our friends were getting married there at the resort by the ocean. She said, "Wow, that would have been really wonderful if DH and I had gotten married here. We would have loved it. But we couldn't have done that because my parents would have flipped out if we didn't get married in my home town church in Nowheresville, Indiana." Geezus, fuck, woman, you're an ADULT. Ugh. I absolutely despise it when parents want to micromanage everything in their adult child's lives. It's THEIR wedding, you bastards, keep your fucking noses out of it.
Traditon lived with us as my mother paid for my wedding.
AND PLANNED IT TOO!
Of course looking back at it all after 23 yr's of marriage.
After reading this Thread, Bob says to me, if he had it his way things would have been a lot different.
Let me explain.
First off, It was a miracle my mother even let go of any of her $ to pay for a wedding.
But she did offer me a choice of a BIG splashy wedding or a smaller affair and then have a bedroom set as a wedding gift.
We still have parts of the same bedroom set today.
IN USE.
So I made the smart choice. But Bob would have rather had the splashier wedding. ( I know that NOW, I did not know it then)
Cause the BED to the bedroom set did not last as long, lol
He says it was due to cheap wood, and was very disapointed in it.
And of course putting the blame on my mother. And calling her sterioype names only added fuel to his cause of wanting a different wedding.
Our wedding was simple. We both had no real religious upbringing.
Even though I am Jewish, (Bob is Lutheran ) my mother always worked, and never had time for me, Let alone religion. So getting married in a Temple was OUT!
So we had a small affair at a local Restaurant in one of their private rooms. ( At the time Bob & I only believed in FOOD, lol) But to appease my mother for not having the service in the Temple, I had a retired Rabbi offer to perform the service. Bob's mother was livid over that act, and showed her hatred of it in our wedding photos.
(I wish I had a scanner)
But anyway we made it very easy on our guests.
That way they did not have to travel anywhere for the reception. Cause after the ceramony the reception followed.
With Prime roast beef for everyone.
But that was not good enough for Bob, So,
I told him, that we have a 25th Biggy coming up. If he wanted to, he has 2 yrs to save up for a re-taking of vows cereamony.
And I told him I would do anything he wanted.
But anyway, I do recall I PAID for MY dress.
Which BTW I still want to recover some day.
I will have to go to my mothers house and look for it.
Not that I have anyone to pass it down too.
But, I do want to try and sell it on E Bay?
LOL
Maybe, we shall see.
when i got married, my now ex and i planned the whole thing out. her mom wanted to try to help, but she lived 2 hours away(THANK GOD!) and couldnt do a lot to help. luckily both of us had a lot of connections in the hotel industry, food industry, florists, etc. basically we were able to put together quite a nice wedding, out doors in the great smoky national park, near a small waterfall as our back drop, had the reception at the highest end hotel in the area, had rooms available for the guests, had the honeymoon suite, etc etc. very high end catering, prime rib, stuffed manicotti, and a chicken dish that i dont remember what it was...rofl. the place that catered actually shut down their restaurant(we knew the owner), brought over all his fine china, his whole staff, etc. We got away with what would have normally cost someone about 50 - 70k total for the wedding for less than 10k!
-Joe
Forgot to mention we had an open bar too. knew a lady that knew of the best place to go get alcohol on the cheap, and considering we lived in a dry county(WTF is up with dry counties back east??? this particular one you couldnt BUY alcohol in, but you could consume it) that was a major cost savings.
My husband planned our wedding. He said it would be an amusing and personal event, and he was right.
My parents paid for it, and my mom did most of it. I picked out my dress, the bridesmaid's dresses, and the invitations. I gave my mom a short list of what I didn't want, & let her do the flowers/food/decorations. She helps a friend of hers with a lot of weddings & has a talent with decorations & floral arranging - so that looked great. Mom & her friend did a lot of the food, too - very yummy. They also have a certain florist that they use for their church (mom & her friend do a lot of the floral stuff for their church) & they got the flowers at cost. That alone saved a few bucks.
My spouse and I, both the Holy Union in Florida, and the Canadian wedding, and paid for it all ourselves. This way we did everything the way we wanted, including amaretto cheesecake and canine attendants. Anyone who didn't like it stayed away, and we lived happily ever after.
My MIL did a lot of mine, but that was because it was small, and I didn't care. I didn't want a wedding really, I knew nothing of what I should do, etc. I mean, I bought my own dress and had a say in a lot of things. My DH and his family and my family all whined that we had to have a wedding and I didn't want to be the first grandkid to NOT have grandma there so I went with it. I mean it was short, small, etc, but MIL helped me find/book the place, make some decorations, make a luncheon for our reception, she helped with photos and flowers, etc. Back then she was nicer and I could tolerate her so it was all good. Now I wouldn't let her help me if I needed a kidney.
I planned it and my husband and I paid for it. I didn't want a reception because not only could we not afford it, but I preferred to spend time with the people that came to our wedding rather than the special dances and announcements and cake cutting and all that crap. My mother had a FIT and demanded that we have a reception so I told her we'd have one if she wanted to pay for it. She agreed, but when the first deposits came due for things she griped that she couldn't believe that we were expecting them to pay for our reception so I cancelled it again. She nearly didn't come to the wedding she was so mad.
I wanted to wear a nice, dress, but my husband and step-father insisted that I have a "real" wedding dress......what a waste of money!
The splurge was the location......a gorgeous bed and breakfast in the country that looks much like an english manor. It was outdoors in the garden so there was no need for decorations (we just needed to rent chairs for the guests). We rented the space for 4 hours even tho' the wedding was only going to be about 20 minutes because I wanted to have time to visit with people and you know......it worked WONDERFULLY! We waited to have our wedding photos taken after the guests had left (I HATE having to wait around at a wedding while the couple are getting all those photos taken) and every one of them turned out perfect. The entire wedding AND honeymoon (we went to Chicago for the night) came to less than $2500.
ForMyACDs - what a lovely wedding! Kudos to you for doing it your way and sounds like it came off wonderfully. Good idea about the pictures, too. It is annoying for people to have to wait around during the pictures part.
It's really funny that this thread came up again - just last week the woman who planned her son's wedding was showing me a few of the things that she did. I can't ever imagine either my mother or J's mother putting even 1/10th of the effort into our wedding as this person did. Freaky!!
I planned my own wedding. I love planning events. Oh, and I paid for it myself too.