I would especially like to hear women's stories, here. I apologize for being such a stranger, lately, but I've been going through some crap, and I tend to isolate myself, and ruminate, rather than share, or look for support.
So, long story short, I have been in a relationship for almost 23 yrs. The more work I do on myself, the more I realize this relationship has been varying degrees of bad, since the get go. It's all pretty stereotypical, minus the kids. I spent a lot of time trying to make things work, and make things nice for him, while getting ignored, or treated badly in other ways. So now, I find myself in hell, financially entangled, stuck in a trashed house, with someone who doesn't respect me (and, damn am I mad at myself).
A future on my own, sounds like heaven, to me, but I will likely need to change careers, I will be without health insurance (I have a couple of ongoing issues), and I will have to leave the house (which will probably not sell, since about 1/4 of the houses in the area are on the market. I may even end up having to sell my 9 yr old van, because both our names are on the title. Basically, I'll have nothing, and have to start over, completely from scratch, at 43.
What I want to hear about , is how you got yourself together after a break up, how long it took, how great you feel now, stuff like that. Did you get counseling, together, or separately? Were you the one who wanted out, and was your mate willing to let you go? My mind is pretty much made up. I just need some reassurance, that things will be ok.
Thanks for reading all this. I always feel like an intrusive boob, when I ask for support, even though I know I am not one.
Stitches - first off, I'm sorry to hear this is happening.
Second: I've never been divorced, but I have started over. When I left BC in 1993 I had a car load of crap and $200 in my pocket. That's it. No home, no job, nothing. I drove 1100 km (680 mi.) to a friends house, stayed there for five weeks, got a job, apartment, used furniture, and literally started over.
It took patience, a lot of energy I couldn't spare, and lot of agonizing, "WTF am I doing?" moments, but it slowly got better, got a better job, nicer apartment, new (albeit Ikea) furniture, and re-built my life. I worked minimum wage jobs doing crap I hated and was in no way related to what I really wanted to be doing, but I had to do what was necessary to get a paycheque.
It's not easy, in fact it's very hard, but it can be done, it HAS to be done. And at 43, you still have the luxury of time and the life experience to pull it off. It's an adventure, a wild ride, and emotionally and physically draining to start over - but you'll never feel more alive.
So do it.
I have no advice, but my thoughts are with you! Hugs!!!
I'm afraid I was 20 when I divorced, but I'll share.
I did not want the divorce, because I didn't want to be a failure. I considered divorce a failure, rather than a recognition that I simply made a bad choice and should reverse course and make a better one.
So I dragged him to counseling, where the depth of his hatred for me was shocking. It turns out, the more I tried to twist myself in knots to be the person he wanted to be, the more he despised me for being so malleable. This is one reason why I went through a really long MEN ARE ASSHOLES phase, because if my man twisted himself in knots to please me, I'd be thrilled, not full of spite and ..and...sheer assholeness!
But mine was just a two-year marriage, and without my knowing about it, it was also a marriage of convenience for him, because he just wanted a green card, and pretended to love me to get me to marry him. My mother colluded with him, too.
So, my marriage ended in a world of hurt and pain -- more than that, it ended in a whole mountain-load of shame. Shame that I didn't see what he was, that I had let myself be used, that I still loved such an ASSHOLE!, that I would crawl back to him if he would only change and love me, etc. Fucking pitiful.
I continued with individual therapy, and I guess I disgusted the therapist, too, with my thorough debasement of my true self, because she threw her hands in the air, and screamed at me, "It looks like you just want permission to go back to him. Well, then, go back to him! Make a plan to get him back!" I left that therapy session so happy, and drove home (a mere half mile) making my plan to get him back. Before I got home, though, I realized I really didn't want him back -- I just wanted to not fail, and that "not failing" depended on him being a completely different human being. I called the therapist, thanked her for that, and never went back.
A few months later, he came by for a booty call (which he did not get -- on that drive home from the therapist, I got my pride back, and haven't lost it since!). Had I still been in that place I was before that breakthrough therapy session, I would have slept with him, then thought we were back together, and added more dirt to the pile of shame. Sometimes, I can't believe how pathetic I was back then.
Financially, we were on an upward swing from working class to middle class, and I took a hard hit. My cash share of the house (not much equity in just 6 months' ownership), paid off the bills I had accrued trying to re-establish myself in my new place (even with hand-me-down furniture from family, it still costs boatloads of money to get all the little things you need, like sheets and towels, dishes, first-and-last-months' rent, etc. All that went on credit cards. So, all I got out of the marriage was a 1976 Toyota Corolla Station wagon, a thousand dollar component stereo system (remember those cabinet things, from the 80s!), and a TV and VCR. I suppose, actually, from a net-worth standpoint, I made out like a bandit -- except he got the house that he later sold for a lot of money when the market took off, and the brand new Honda CRX. I made out in the short term, and he made out in the long term. That's generally how it happens when couples split -- the woman's lifestyle falls while the man's rises.
My major piece of advice is, if you don't want to try to fix the marriage with counseling, then go get a lawyer. You have 23 years of stuff to get rid of. Even if the market is bad, your house will sell if it's priced more competitively than others (do you have enough equity to make even half of a low-price worth it to you?). Since the house is in shambles -- I presume from his doing? -- then have that lawyer get you the house until it sells so you can do what you can to fix it up to get the best price possible. Also, get custody of anything else that has both your names on it, so you can be sure he doesn't trash your credit, should he choose to trash his own. You have a lot of work ahead of you, and you will feel like you just want to chuck it and get on with your new life. Just think of it as wrapping up the loose ends of the old life, before moving on to the new one. I'd also seize any of your joint funds (IMMEDIATELY -- I wouldn't wait for the order from the judge) and put them in your own name, while reserving his "half" by not spending it -- better to ask for forgiveness and return his half later, than be sorry that you didn't after he spends every dime.
With such a long marriage, you'll also need to negotiate the division of any 401Ks or government/military/corporate pensions. QDROs can protect your interest until he retires, but they must be properly done, and timely filed, to be effective. Also, if you haven't worked much, he may be on the hook for alimony, which is usually only awarded in long marriages.
And bear in mind for the future -- you may have an interest in his Social Security, too, because of the long marriage. If he doesn't marry, or doesn't stay married for at least 10 years before he dies, you will be the winner there (assuming he makes more than you do, or is older than you).
It's going to be harder starting over at 43, simply because of the shorter time horizon. If you plan to retire in your 60s, you have only 20-some years to pay off a house before retirement. Otherwise, I suggest working until your (new) house is paid off. Ditto if you don't have sufficient retirement funds.
As to the emotional -- it may not take you as long to heal emotionally as it took me, because you may not be dealing with the shame and betrayal I felt, from both him and my mother. I didn't meet my current DH until I was 29, and between 20-29, I dated maybe two or three times.
Divorce sucks. I can't believe it sometimes still have the power to hurt me, 20 years later.
I know you said you were especially interested in hearing the women's stories here, but thought maybe you would want to hear it from the guys too that have gone through this. I had been in the relationships for about 10 years, almost 7 of it married. Things had gone down hill over the years, and my wife was treating me pretty much like dirt. It was all capped off when i found out she had been cheating on me. after trying to reconcile, about a year later, i found out she was up to her old tricks again and was cheating with an old boyfriend so i said enough was enough and filed for divorce. Of course we had just bought a house a couple years before(get this, i was working 2 jobs, killing myself to make enough money to get in to the house, and that is when she started cheating on me, how nice)at the height of the housing market, after we bought that is when the market started going down. Well by the time we divorced the value had come down quite a bit and no way we could sell, so i kept the house and she moved back to TN. I am now facing foreclosure/shortsale on the place because we bought at 385k and its now worth about 190k.
I do have to say though, after the divorce, and she moved out back to TN, i couldnt be happier! losing the house does not bother me because the place is full of bad memories. She was spending lots of money putting us further and further in debt. that has now been stopped and i am finally starting to move in a positive direction with what debt i am left with. Being single has been so much more fun. I have finally started doing things for ME. i finally bought a guitar which i have wanted to do forever, but never took the money to spend on myself because she was always spending and i didnt want her to go without. I felt so alone and isolated in the marriage because it was so loveless. I felt like i couldnt go out with friends without being accused of cheating(which i later figured out was just her transferring what SHE was doing on to me, i guess she figured if SHE was capable of cheating, then i would be too). I couldn't have female friends because she would think i was cheating on her. Heaven forbid if an ex sent me an email or wanted to be friends, that could NEVER happen, even though i never gave her ONE reason to EVER think i would cheat on her. The day my divorce was FINAL(which takes like 6 months after all the paper work is filed etc in California) i went out and had a couple of drinks with some friends and celebrated!!! Believe me, you will be much better off not being in a BAD relationship. Being single is WAY better than suffering. I do miss the THOUGHT of having someone to go to when times are hard, someone to share happy times with like the holidays, vacations etc. But i do not miss HER. I know i will find the right lady for me eventually, but i am in no hurry. I am now taking college courses to better myself, working full time, and have guitar lessons. I do not need any more than that. I have a tight core of a few good friends that i hang out with and an awesome family, what more could i ask for?
-Joe
Thanks, everyone.
Fiona, I have started the slow process. Plans are swirling in my brain. Eventually I'll have to pick one. I do have a couple of offers of guest rooms, when the time comes.
Joe, I am glad you shared your story, and I do want to hear what men went through,too. My main reason for asking women, specifically, is that women usually end up on the shitty end of things, financially. It sounds like you're getting your life back in order. Since I am ignored, and things I do go unnoticed most of the time, I have started doing more things I want to do, already. It's great. I feel human.
PG, that's all awesome advice. We really own almost nothing, but I would like to hold onto at least part of it. There is a mortgage on he house, with both our names on it, the '02 mini van is paid for, and I have sole custody of the shared savings (grand total of $1500). Since I am a self employed artist, and he works in a museum, we make very little money. Almost all our stuff is trash pic, or thrift, already. There are no retirement accounts, and I always expected to work until I drop. It sounds like I have been working on similar emotional crap, to what you were dealing with. I've just been slowly picking away at the baggage for the last couple years. I'm fairly certain that I could benefit from counseling. I am also fairly certain that the husband would just put on the same show that he does for family, and friends. They all think we're a perfect couple, and I've always believed my Mom likes him more than she likes me.
I have never gone through a divorce, but I wanted to wish you well. I hope that you don't have too many issues in making this break. Although it will be difficult, I am sure that you have considered your options carefully, and are choosing the best thing for you.
Good luck.
I'm so sorry! I have not been through a divorce, but I did survive a very nasty breakup that I think was similar in some ways emotionally to a divorce. Like PG, I was always a pleaser. I gave two years of my life to a guy that by all rights I should have broken up with three months in. But I'm a believer in doing what it takes to make a relationship work. My dealbreakers were abuse and infidelity, but I'd pictured abuse as being black eyes and bruises. I guess I was too young and stupid to realize that abuse could be mental and inflict damage just as devastating. He said things to me that shattered my already fragile self-esteem, things that I have not forgotten to this day. At the time, losing him was a huge blow because I had so much emotionally invested in him and genuinely thought I would never find another man. I thought I was that ugly and undesirable because he projected to me that he stayed with me out of pity more than anything.
I tried to go to counseling at that time, but I was on my parents' insurance and my mother refused to allow me to use it to pay for "shrinkage." (She always had to be the sickest one, and despite the fact that I was suicidal, she tried to minimize my feelings.) I ended up taking advantage of whatever I could get for free, and when that ran out, I just went without until I found a place that would take me on a sliding scale. The one thing I don't advise is doing what I did with regard to relationships. I fell into the arms of the first guy who paid any attention to me after the breakup (about five months later). I was so determined to prove that someone else, anyone else, could love me that I found myself in the same pattern of trying to make myself fit whatever mold I thought he wanted. It took a second breakup with him to help me locate my spine.
I know nothing about financial stuff since we were not intertwined in that way, but I'm sure a decent lawyer can help you sort it all out. Hang in there, and know that all of us here care about you and will support you!
Wow, PG's situation was similar to mine. I was married to an immigrant (from the UK) who despised me, maybe he was just looking for a green card, I'm not really sure. But every single thing I did to try to be the wifey he said he wanted me to be made him hate me more and be more and more cruel. All he did was scream and throw tantrums and insult me and embarrass me in front of other people, and he ran me down until I felt like I was nothing.
He was an alcoholic, and abusive, and by the time he started to hit me, I was so run down that I thought I could fix it and make him stop by working harder on the marriage. He even said I brought the beatings on myself and totally deserved them because I was so awful and boring and stupid all the time.
We went to counseling, I think the reason he agreed to go is because he wanted someone else to back him up and agree with him about me being stupid and worthless. Our counselor sucked. I had a hard time convincing her that he was an alcoholic, like she didn't understand it's not necessarily how much a person drinks, it's how the drinking interferes in his or her life and relationships and job. He told her he drank "only" three beers a night, so she accused me of being worried about nothing, he couldn't be an alcoholic in her estimation. So I had to explain that he drank 60oz of beer (3 Imperial pints) at the pub, then he'd go home and drink several 12 oz bottles of beer until he passed out each night, all the while seething with rage and screaming and threatening, throwing tantrums, breaking things, and terrifying me. Every night. Get it now, idiot?
She would see us together and separately, and when she was with me alone she eventually told me she agreed he was an alcoholic, but when she saw him alone or saw us together, she refused to admit it to him. Then one day he was running me down, calling me stupid and worthless, etc, and I started to cry and the counselor yelled at ME to "cut the shit!" What the fuck is that? I'm sitting there twisted up in extreme pain while the asshole I loved more than anyone on the planet ran me down and called me names and kept telling me I was worthless, right in front of our counselor, and she gives me MORE shit to add to his. As a result, my husband really liked her and thought she was awesome, and he used her reaction to cut me down even more at home.
Eventually, he said he was so bored he had to get out of our marriage, then I found out shortly after that he had a girlfriend on the side, and wanted to leave me to be with her. I went to see the counselor alone and told her what was happening and suddenly she's all, like, happy for me that I'm free from this jerk. Suddenly she's on my side and she's telling me I can start a new life and it's just great, and he sucks, etc. She was fucked up, really. No help at all. I wish I could remember her name so I can find her and tell her what a shitty counselor she is.
So I kicked him out of the house, and it was great. I was alone and everything was calm, the house was normal and happy and tidy because he wasn't there to throw stuff all over the place, or pee in the closet. Yes, he had peed in the closet one night and then was furious when I told him to stop. Finding out he had a girlfriend and kicking him out was my breakthrough, and it was really the best thing ever. I suddenly realized I would never put up with anything like that from a man ever again as long as I lived.
So then he sees this happy soon-to-be ex-wife and suddenly he wants me back. He couldn't bear the thought of me being happy and independent, he realized he was neglecting his job of making me cry and beating me, and he wanted that power back. He dumped his girlfriend quickly, but immediately got a new girlfriend (victim) and moved in with her. From her home he'd call me or send me emails and not beg me to take him back, but DEMAND I take him back. I never for a minute entertained the idea of taking him back, I was far too happy, but I asked him if he loved me, you know, because when someone wants you back they're supposed to say "I love you" and "I miss you" and bring flowers and presents and be romantic and do anything nice to get you back. No, he was literally trying to intimidate me and frighten me into taking him back. What an asshole. When I asked him if he loved me and was that the reason he wanted me back, he said, "What the hell does love have to do with anything? I wanna move back in!"
One thing I did wrong was get a really shitty lawyer. It was New Orleans, so finding anyone who is good at their job was very difficult anyway. I called our lawyer (not a divorce lawyer) for a recommendation, he gave me one and when I called her she told me she was going on vacation for the next several weeks and honestly couldn't be bothered. When I asked her what to do, or who else I should call, she said she really didn't care and hung up on me. Typical New Orleans. Yes, really. So then I called an acquaintance who had been divorced recently and I asked him if I should use his lawyer, and he said, yes, she was a good lawyer. I called the office, but she wasn't available to take my case, so she told me her lawyer daughter would take my case instead. I figured that would be okay, and guess what? It wasn't. I got really screwed. The only reason I got to keep the house was because it was in my name. As an immigrant, he couldn't get his name on the mortgage or pretty much anything. So I got the house. And I kept my old car because he didn't want it and it was also totally in my name. He got to keep the brand new leased car. I managed somehow to keep the dog, but only because he didn't want to be bothered with the responsibility. But I lost our business, the tour company I started with my inheritance from my dead mother. All of it was in my name, but there was no tour company if he wasn't giving the tours. So he took the company, kept all the money, and the judge said he didn't have to pay me a dime. He lied on the stand in court, then I got a chance to talk, then the judge gave him a SECOND chance to talk on the stand, where he lied again (he had no lawyer), and the judge didn't let me speak again, and said he owed me nothing. My lawyer didn't do a damned thing, not a damned thing, and in the end I got a bill for $5000. All the money I spent getting him into the country, paying for his immigration, paying off his debts in the UK and starting our tour company in New Orleans, I got NOTHING back from that. Nothing. Nothing but a degree in experience from the University of Hard Knocks of Life.
We had only been married 2 years by the time the divorce was final. We had separated about 3 months after buying the house, a house I didn't want but relented to because he swore it would make him finally happy to be with me. I'm happy now, I did come through it all, eventually it all did work out and I was okay, but it was hard as hell going through it. Of course, it's worth going through anything to get out of being married to an asshole. Things can only get better! Eventually. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, that's what I kept telling myself to get through it all. It helped.
Eesh... dune, and Anastasia, those are awful stories. It was my parents telling me I'm worthless, and stupid. Wait. Not "was." They still do it. I've gotten a bit of a thicker skin about it, but I let my husband sort of pick up where they left off. I have never been beaten, or called names by the husband, but he neglects me, throws my belongings in the garbage, wrecks my workspace, and a whole lot more stuff hat may not sound like much, by itself, but all together, it makes me feel really unwelcome in our house, and unimportant to him. The latest blow is, his expensive dental work is somehow way more necessary than mine.
My mother seems t be the only one who doesn't see his behavior as abuse. When I was talking to her, last weekend, she actually said, "I hope you can make amends with the husband." My brain said, "WTF?" My mouth said, "He needs to make amends with me!" Evil twatweazel.......
Stitches -- sounds like you need to dump several people -- husband and parents! Sounds like they deserve each other.
My ex wasn't physically abusive, nor did he call me names. He just neglected me, would rather have spent time with his friends, stayed out with them as often as he could, or dragged them back to our tiny two bedroom house to party while I tried to sleep because I had school the next day. He scorned me for advancing further than a two-year degree, and constantly tried to talk me out of attending school and "wasting" that money. He thought HE should go to school first, because he was the man.
Like you said, Stitches, it's thousands of little things. What it adds up to is this -- you can have a better life (more peaceful, more secure, happier in your self and in your own skin) without him. That's all that matters. If he wasn't picking up his socks, and that was the only issue, I'd tell you to pick up the damn socks and stop driving yourself into a fury over something so freakin' little. But it's not just socks. He's chipping away at who you are as a person. It's a matter of self-preservation to get out of that situation.
PrairieGirl Wrote:...He scorned me for advancing further than a two-year degree, and constantly tried to talk me out of attending school and "wasting" that money. He thought HE should go to school first, because he was the man.
Mine was jealous because I went to university and got a degree and he left the British equivalent of high school when he was 17. But it's not uncommon in the UK for kids to leave school at 16 or 17 and enter the workforce, and there isn't a stigma about it, either, like there is in the US. But when I hung my framed diploma on the wall, he was absolutely furious, and then belittled it and told me I had to take it down.
PG, you must have told me before, but I don't remember what country your ex-husband came from.
He was from Iran. The crazy thing was, he came as a very small child on his father's student visa, but his father abandoned the family and returned to Iran, so mom and siblings were all illegal, even though they were totally Americanized -- he didn't even have an accent at all. He decided to try to get legal, and they started deportation proceedings. That's when he approached my mother about getting back together with me (we had broken up), and marrying me. She advised him to talk about love, and not mention the green card. He mentioned it a few days before our wedding date, as something that had just happened -- and of course, I wasn't going to let that happen to "the love of my life".
<-- not a divorce, but a bitter break up that involved starting all over again.
In 2000, I left my abusive alcoholic ex, after he kicked me out of a moving car on Main St. Lovely. I knew I had to get the hell out of dodge, but I had not a penny to my name, no way to move and I was paralyzed by fear.
Around that time, my sister told me to make a list of what I wanted in an apartment, and I told her what was the point, I would never be able to afford what I wanted. I did it anyway, and I ended up visualizing success and I got everything I wanted -- a gas stove, carpets (not floors), minimum one bedroom (not bachelor), good water pressure in the tub, back door, 1st or 2nd floor on a side street so the cat could come and go. All for $400 or less. I got it all for $425. I'm still in that apartment.
I had to move out within a few days of that incident and it was horrible. I moved everything I owned in my beat up old car, and I had no furniture at all. I slept on a mat on the floor at the new place, and got an $80 couch from the Goodwill that first week with money my mom lent me. It was awful. But wonderful to start over and be done with him.
Luckily I owned nothing and we had no communal assets. I would have walked away from it all if I had to, though.
Thanks, everyone. I'm feeling better about leaving, and more powerful, already. I really didn't expect to get such great support, both here, and in real life. So far, the husband knows nothing of all this. I can't tell him until I'm done with art fair season, and don't have to leave my studio unattended, with him at home. I'm gone from Thursday, to Monday, again. Each time I leave, I have a harder time coming back.
Stitches, does he do destructive things to your studio? I mean, that sounds bizarre.
anastasia Wrote:Stitches, does he do destructive things to your studio? I mean, that sounds bizarre.
From what I've been able to get out of him, he's not trying to be purposely destructive. I can only ask a few questions before he gets pissed, and shuts down. I have come home to find he has "organized" my fabrics. He does weird things, like during the course of cleaning the floor in my workspace (something I wish he wouldn't do), he moved every piece of equipment a little bit, "to make the layout better." He moved everything just enough so that the cords wouldn't reach the outlets, and I was bashing into things. It took me a whole day, time I should have spent catching up on production, to get it back in order. Once, I came back from an out of town art fair, to find that my clothes had been completely rearranged. A lot of my stuff was out of my reach (he's 6'4" tall, and I am 5'5"), my hanging clothes were still on hangers with the lower half of them piled on a dresser that had been shoved in the closet, and I couldn't find my underwear. It's not always my things, in particular. Recently, I came home after a 5 hour drive, to find the fridge in the center of our tiny kitchen, and the toilet seat removed from the throne. We are in the middle of a bathroom rehab, but the toilet had been installed, and the new seat attached, more than a week before. Baffling. When I came home from last weekend's travels, I thought nothing was messed up, but I was wrong. Eventually, I discovered a nice wool throw rug, destroyed, and stuffed under the back porch (WTF?).
I have begged him, in tears, to please, never mess with my stuff like that again, telling him I'm hurt, and I feel like he has no respect for me. Usually, he won't even turn his head, and look at me while this is going on. He'll leave shit alone for a while, but it never lasts. As soon as I am almost feeling safe to leave town, ambush. It's humiliating, thinking that he doesn't even approve of the way I store my own damned panties. Little by little, I have been moving things I need to find, into my studio, and it is getting cramped. Past BS says my stuff isn't really safe there, though.
Wow... I'm sorry you're dealing with this, Stitches. I wish you the best of luck.
Reading all of your stories has made me feel really down and depressed about my own marriage. Not only can't we agree on the kid thing, but my hubby is also an alcoholic. He works nights and comes home to drink at least 9 - 12 beers a night. I married him knowing this. Now I'm starting to see the problem. I'm at the counseling stage...trying to make an individual appt. right now. Then I gotta drag the hubby in. After the fight we had this last weekend, I don't know if it's even worth it anymore.
I feel for you... Just believe in yourself. You can do it and once you do, you'll never understand why you put up with what you did for all of those years.
Stitches, holy crap! That's the most bizarre shit I've read in awhile. That makes no sense at all. What you're describing sounds like mental illness of some kind.
Julie, man, I hear you. I married my first husband strongly suspecting he was an alcoholic, but not really sure because I was so emotionally off-balance, I didn't trust my own judgment on the issue. Of course, the night before the wedding was a nightmare of him drinking and going into a rage, and I married him anyway. The next day, our wedding day, was nice, he restrained himself and was kind to me, but that went out the window the day after that.
I want to help you with advice. If you want any, let me know, otherwise I'll avoid telling you what to do because I know when I was in that position, I didn't want to hear it from anyone.
Thank you, anastasia. At first I was like you describe... I knew what I'd gotten myself into. I knew he was an alcoholic cause not only had I seen it, he'd admitted it to me. Ah, but there's a lot of space between admitting and doing something about it. That peeing in the closet thing...oh my. Yea. If hubby drinks too much he sleep walks and pees on the bookshelf. Or the floor. Or the bed. It's fantastic. It's the old, I love him, but he's driving me nuts. The rope is getting shorter and the list of resentment is getting longer. I can use any advice I can get. Feel free to pm me or let 'er rip here.