first I'd like to say hello to everyone here at the KYN forums!!
I actually belong to quite a few forums but I found this one now so I have some more people to talk to!! lol
ok So here is my deal
I am 22 years old and have always known that I NEVER want children...and of course I always got the "you'll change your mind" or "you can't make that choice" crocks
well after 4 years of research on birth control and 15 years of absolutely hating the idea of even being AROUND kids let alone having them, I now have a vasectomy scheduled for 09/15/08!! I am so excited and the doctor gave me ZERO issues...(just grabbed and pulled and said "are you sure you never want kids" and I said that I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning or winning the lotto...he said "K" and told the nurse to schedule me for a snip!!
I was SOO happy about that!
My only real problem is that my GF absolutely hates the idea of me getting a snip...she says she wants at least 1 child some day...which is sad because I won't bend for her...no matter what... we have had several discussions and defended our decisions...she thinks I'm selfish for taking her "choice to have children" away and that I don't love her enough and yadda yadda..
My response to that is that SHE is infact the selfish one because she is demanding that I CHANGE my life for her and that if she loved ME for ME and not as a "sperm donor" then she would want ME...
but anyway...we went to California 3 days ago to Hollywood...because we were to be guests on the Dr. Phil show...(she wrote it in not me lol) and I took it as a free vacation (selfish huh?) ... we were supposed to be the main topic...but they threw us at the end and did like a 45 second thing in the audience...basically he asked me if I wanted no-kids or her... I said no-kids and he said "well ...then thats all you need to know"...like ya thanks for helping bub..
she still believes that I will change my mind some day...which isn't impossible...but I certainly would never want to lead her on into thinking that I will
I told her that I love her so much and that I don't want to keep her hopes up into thinking I'm going to change my mind...cuz I'm not
I don't really know what to do...I want to live my life with this woman...but it doesn't look like we are compatible...I just REALLY don't want to leave her at all
you're going to have to break up with her if she is not CF.
My DH made this clear when we met(I was on the fence) so eventually I realized I was CF.
Once you have the snip, that's it.
There is no compromising when it comes to having a child unfortunately. If you don't want one and she does you have your answer. If you stayed together one of you would always be hoping the other would change his/her mind and will eventually use it as a fighting topic "It's your fault I'm not happy because I'm not a mother!" or "It's your fault I'm unhappy because I didn't want the kid in the first place!"
I know it sucks, but at 22 I was in your shoes (except I'm female and wasn't able to be sterilized then!) with my husband. We both knew that if the other didn't chance their stance the relationship would end, but he eventually realized he didn't want kids and we're still together 8 years and one tubal ligation later
If you are positive you don't want kids get the vasectomy. If you know you are not parent material you are doing the most unselfish thing by making sure you can't have children. Your GF doesn't understand that, but perhaps as she gets older and matures she'll realize that. Maybe she'll have kids with someone else and she'll be a great mom, but her future happiness is not your responsibility.
Welcome to the boards.
sadly you will need to break this off, and would be good to do it sooner than later. Investing more time in to a relationship you know to be doomed is fool hearty. Not saying it will be easy, no one ever wants to leave the person they love, but if they want you to change the core of who you are to satisfy their needs, then they dont love you for who you are. If her desire to have a child is greater than her love for you, then there is nothing left but to leave. I once fell for a woman who had kids. she was PERFECT in every way except for the kids. We got really close for awhile, but in the end there was just no way it would work. I want nothing to do with kids, and that is what her life revolves around. Believe me, if you do not get this procedure, her desire to have kids will win out and she might do something extremely selfish like poke holes in a condom, or "forget" to take her pill. at least if you get snipped, if down the road she ends up pregnant, well, you know where her heart truly lies, but it would be best to not even get to that point. Just have the procedure, and try to break things off with her as gently as possible would be my advice.
-Joe
to the boards wolf39us
ITA with Kirby & Joe here. My advice to you is to break things off as easy as you can. I KNOW you love her. And I know this will be the hardest thing you ever had to do. But in the long run you will be happy you did it.
The worst thing a CF'er can do is be involved with a person who wants kids.
Why torture yourself and your mate, with the endless battles of
"Oh you will change your mind" or "Its your fault I am not a parent"
You can spare yourself all that hardship NOW. Your only 22 yrs old. You have your whole life ahead of you.
I did not get married till I was 29.
I wanted to enjoy my life when I was young. Now that I am an old fart
I offer you what little advice I can give.
And that is give this relationship up ASAP. Cause the longer you wait the worse it will be.
And go out there & find yourself a nice CF lady who shares your views about rugrats
I agree with others that it's time for a confrontation.
I don't necessarily agree that it's time to break up. As Kirby pointed out -- as my own situation points out -- sometimes the other will come around.
But you need to make it very, very, EXTREMELY clear that you have ZERO intention of having kids, ever, with anyone. The snip is, of course, a good step -- but she will no doubt have heard of reversals, and may think she can buy time for you to realize the error of your ways.
So, I recommend a Very Serious Talk. Sit her down, and say something along the lines of this -- "Honey, it's now been three months (or four -- or whatever time it takes for your doc to give you the "no sperm" clearance, and make sure you always wear a condom until then, and perhaps even after then!) since I had the vasectomy. I hope it's clear to you that I don't want children. I love you very much, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But I do not see a life with children in it, and I don't want a life with children in it. I understand, however, that you may want a life with children in it. I leave it entirely up to you to decide if you want to stay with me and not have kids, or if you want to move on and find someone else to have kids with."
This puts the breaking-up ball in her court, and gives her time to envision a life without kids. She may do so! But you should be prepared for the fact that she may not. There's a reason why we are a minority on this planet -- having children is the norm, and most people want them (even if most of their reasons for wanting them are bone-deep stupid, like "carry on the family name"). You should be prepared that ultimately -- whether it's immediately after you come home from the snip, or immediately after you have this talk, or sometime in the future -- she will walk. But you need to leave it up to her, and not take the decision out of her hands, by breaking up with her peremptorily.
One exception -- if you have the SLIGHTEST hint that she may become desperate to have a baby, and will pop holes in the condom, or "forget" the pill, then you need to RUN not walk out of her life as quickly as you can. Any woman who would steal away man's right to control his reproduction (and vice versa) is not a person to be trusted.
If you're CF and she isn't, you are not compatible. It's that simple. And if you're not compatible then you can't have a successful and fulfilling and happy relationship that will last. There were lots of men I met over the years whom I would not date because I knew they wanted kids someday. It's not worth it.
I told my husband on our second date that I'm CF and that will not change, and that's that. He thought about it for awhile, two years, actually, and then decided he'd rather be with me than have kids. It was his decision and he is totally willing to live with it forever. If you don't have that with your current girlfriend then you have to break up, because you will someday anyway, and divorce is much worse.
I agree with the others, especially on taking the birth-control into your own hands. You are a young man with your life ahead of you - the freedom to travel, met people, engage in some awesome hobbies, go to college, have a career, etc - the world is at your hands and if she pokes holes, etc... you could be saddled with unwanted children and no freedom, working a crappy job to support the unwanted children.
You love her, but when she becomes a mother she may very well become a different person. She may want another... and another. She could become tired and haggard, demanding you to produce more out of your wallet so she can be a soccer mom. I hope that doesn't sound mean but my point is when children start coming, it changes a person, sometimes for the worse. This may or may not happen, but your ideal life with her will not be ideal. I say this because I know so many parents, esp men, who kind of "give in" and they end up hating their life and resenting their wife. Good for you though, for standing your ground and "not giving in". Be careful and sit her down and talk to her about it right away. The longer you wait the harder it will be. Good luck to you, and sorry things didn't work out on the Dr. Phil show.
She obviously is NOT the right woman for you.
thanks everyone for there comments...I have realized that it won't work with us...however this is going to be extremely difficult....she says things like she knows I will change my mind and stuff..
I don't want to lead her on...it just isn't right
but deeply in the back of my mind I think to myself that I DO have a .01% chance to want a POSSIBLE adoption...but I don't wanna put her hopes up either
I just really would rather be CF and I am taking it in my own hands to garuntee that I will not be "oopsed" or "tricked" into a kid
I am ALSO protecting myself from...myself
that's right! I sometimes get ideas that I want to do things that I truly don't want
I consider myself intelligent and I do my best to keep my head in line...so I feel this is the best way to protect myself from my own mind!
Quote:I am ALSO protecting myself from...myself
that's right! I sometimes get ideas that I want to do things that I truly don't want
I am having a hard time figuring this statement out.
Your protecting yourself from YOU? What is it that your protecting
exactly? Do you have ideas that you want to be a father? Or is it more that, the more you listen to your GF, the more she is talking you into the subject?
This is why you really need to sit her down, and have that heart to heart chat as P.G suggested.
She needs to know where you stand, and you need to set it up in such a way that she KNOWS YOU will NEVER change your mind.
BUT..........IF your on the fence about the subject?
We have a thread reserved for those who are iffy about the subject.
And even .01% (imo) is too much of an amount to say, that you might someday, change your mind or want to adopt someday or whatever.
We CF'ers, the majority of us, have always known from an early age, that we NEVER wanted kids.
And, I have always said, yes, that idea, makes us a minority group to be chastised and ridiculed for being selfish and A-moral
IMO, I don't give a shit about what other people think or say.
I live my life how I want to live it and that is CF
I met my husband after having an affair with a man who wanted kids, and I said no to him and we broke up over that.
And when I found out that Bob too, had no desire to ever be a father, we were a match made in heaven.
Of course it did help a lot, that he fell in love with me at "love at first site" sort of deal. But when he found out that I never wanted kids, that sealed the deal for us.
But if you let people get to you, that .01% will grow, trust me I have seen it happen. So I am glad your protecting yourself. I just hope you know what it is
YOU ARE Protecting.
Anyway,
with your GF? And I hope whatever doubts you may have about wanting to be a parent some day vanishes.
Cause the cost of raising a child alone is staggering let alone all the social complications of said child, IF you ever was to have one.
I'm 100% that I don't want children now
not ever will I want children
but I just don't want to be stupid for a week or so and get some chick pregnant
that is what I meant
the .01% is such that I am a scientifc thinker...saying something is an impossibility is difficult for me...because I don't believe that many things can be said with definitive attributes.
asside from my scientific feelings
I am 100% sure I will never want children
THE END
good for you wolf39us
You are now a total CF'er lol ( just kidding)
Well keeping that in mind with your 100% commitment of NOT wanting children ever. And keeping in mind that your GF will TRY to change you. I would think that you would really want to
try and end this miss-match relationship ASAP.
I know you love her, and she loves you? BUT if, she really did LOVE YOU! She would accept you for who you are and NOT try to change you.
And as you said you told her from the start how you felt and that you wanted the "snip" job. And she is well aware of your feelings. BUT what is going on inside her head another issue.
I can lay $ on the idea that she thinks to herself that as you get older you will change your mind and want kids.
And that is the issue you need to clear up with her now before it is too late for you both.
And keep in mind the longer you wait the harder it will be.
I do not envy your position
And I know breaking up is never easy.
But we are all here for you. So if you ever need a shoulder to cry on
We are here!