I am having a hard time dealing with the massive changes in my life, even though I chose them and the end result is so much better than it was before.
It's just that I go along for days, completely fine (or so I believe) and then something relatively minor just utterly destroys me.
Today, I thought a friend had been lying to me, and I was devastated. I still can't stop crying. I completely overreacted and assumed the worst possible meaning of the situation. I am just a freaking mess.
How do you get self-esteem back? How do you get to an even keel? I hate feeling this way.
I'm so sorry you're going through all this.
Even good decisions can be stressful because they involve a total change in routine and lifestyle. Because things have been going poorly for some time it seems natural that you are more "on guard" in regards to your friend. It's probably a good sign that you acknowledge what is going wrong and are already taking steps to fix it. ((((hugs)))
For me, chanting the serenity prayer actually helped. Realize that EVERYTHING eventually passes. Nothing is permanent. One Day at a Time. Silly cliches. They are true. They help.
I went through massive changes in 2000, and I came out the other side grinning, but it was one fuck of a year.
It will pass. I PROMISE. I REALLY TRULY PROMISE. Just get through each day the best you can, and in a year or so you will look back and not be able to believe this life was yours.
((hugs))
Jo
from the Yukon
I'll be in Denver in late Sept!
You are in a very vulnerable position right now because of the changes you've made. Even though they've been positive as a whole, the entire experience has had its traumatic moments and change is always difficult in one way or another. Now is the time to be extra kind to yourself. If you look in your heart, you know what you need to help yourself feel better. Maybe it's more time alone. Maybe it's more sleep. Maybe it's more fun. Whatever it is, make that a priority for yourself. Adjusting to a new major life circumstance always takes some time, but doing whatever you can to nurture yourself during the transition will make things easier.
You may have moments where things hit you hard from time to time, but you'll find that things will get easier and you'll soon realize that you've healed. You will probably always carry your scars from the previous bad experience; however, your "new normal" will eventually feel even better than you thought possible.
Hang in there! As Jo said, it will get better!
I can completely relate to the lack of an even keel feeling ! I have had a hard time coping lately with the changes going on with my situation and I have constantly felt like I was on the brink at any moment. I would either break down and start crying or I would want to punch a hole in the wall. I have been completely miserable. I would describe it as functioning in a slight haze until something jolted me and then I would just lose it.
I have chosen my situation for the most part as well, but I was forced to. It's not like I'm making choices based on what I want. I'm making them based on the circumstances that are the driving force. So yes, it's fair to say I chose this, but is it what I want? Hell no. Am I choosing with free will? No. So just because we choose doesn't mean it's a choice that *feels* happy.
I went last week and visited the Vitamin Shoppe cause I just couldn't stand it anymore. I was tired of feeling miserable. I got a mood supplement (I think it's 5-HTP....something like that w/ B6) and started taking it last Friday. I have noticed a distinct difference this week. I am far calmer and I haven't felt that emotional depression everyday. When I burned my finger on the iron on Tuesday I didn't feel like I wanted to punch a hole in the wall which I saw as progress as well ! LOL....
Besides my marriage problems years ago, this is the lowest I've felt in my life. It's hard for my friends to understand and it's not something I can will away with positive thinking and being thankful. I knew I needed something to help me to not feel like a volcano ready to erupt at any moment and I didn't want to consider meds.
You have had enormous upheaval in your life recently. It's perfectly normal to be emotional about it and about seemingly random unrelated things.
Good gods woman, sometimes it takes years to get over the stress and trauma of a divorce, even if it's what you wanted and it's the best thing in the world for you. It took me three years after my divorce to start feeling normal again, three years. And getting rid of him was absolutely necessary and totally positive. It took me a full six months before I could look at any random man and not feel pure contempt. And my mother never, ever got over her divorce until she died, but she wasn't self-aware and she never delved into her psyche and tried to sort out things.
Give yourself a break. It's not entirely dissimilar from going through a death of someone close. It takes a long time to get through that, too. Like when my mom died and my boyfriend asked me what my fucking problem was 3 days later. Gee, I don't know, ass, maybe because my mother suddenly up and died three days ago? I didn't get over the shock of that for two years, and I hated her, her death was the best thing to ever happen to me, and I was still a goddamned mess.
So you need to be kind to yourself, and give yourself lots of breaks, you're going to need them for a long time to come. You need to allow yourself to rest and do your best to avoid extra stress because you're already under enough stress day to day. And take a deep breath and realize this is going to go on for awhile and you need to be nice to yourself. If you're beating yourself up, well, then who's going to be nice to you?
Quote:Good gods woman, sometimes it takes years to get over the stress and trauma of a divorce, even if it's what you wanted and it's the best thing in the world for you.
Word.
And I wanted to add, too, that it can come in waves. You can feel fine for days, or weeks, or maybe even months and years, and then something will set you off -- a series of minor disappointments, or a song will remind you, or something, and you might be a quivering mess for an hour, or a few days. I remember when I started dating after my divorce -- this was eight months after the divorce, and I was over the whole "men are scum" thing -- but the guy canceled a date for a very good reason (he was called into work). After I got off the phone, I was completely back to the "men are scum" thing, and cried for about eight hours straight. I guess it just reminded me of the times the X decided I wasn't worth his time.
For many people, massive change is an emotionally battering experience.
It can really change your tolerance levels for many things like fear, anxiety, stress, etc.
Be kind to yourself.
You have been through enough to change your emotional tolerance levels.
You need time to heal.
PrairieGirl Wrote:Quote:Good gods woman, sometimes it takes years to get over the stress and trauma of a divorce, even if it's what you wanted and it's the best thing in the world for you.
Word.
And I wanted to add, too, that it can come in waves. You can feel fine for days, or weeks, or maybe even months and years, and then something will set you off -- a series of minor disappointments, or a song will remind you, or something, and you might be a quivering mess for an hour, or a few days. I remember when I started dating after my divorce -- this was eight months after the divorce, and I was over the whole "men are scum" thing -- but the guy canceled a date for a very good reason (he was called into work). After I got off the phone, I was completely back to the "men are scum" thing, and cried for about eight hours straight. I guess it just reminded me of the times the X decided I wasn't worth his time.
Yup, that's pretty much exactly it. I feel completely worthless and I don't know how to get out of it. I mean, the marriage fell apart because DH didn't love me anymore and I was too much of a mess. Now I'm a mess alone, which I guess is better - at least I'm sparing him from dealing with me.
And the guy who was so kind has totally pulled away and I don't understand what happened. Anything I try to do or say just makes it worse - but I can't seem to accept the rejection. I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out until maybe January.
I can't even keep myself busy, because my body can't handle practically anything. I guess taking the day off was not a good idea. At least work is a distraction, if I can concentrate. I just hate feeling so hopeless. It doesn't make sense, but here it is. This is how I feel, and it sucks.
As Jo said, it does pass. Really. It's just a process you are forced to go through, and it sucks, but eventually it will pass and you will come out the other side. What didn't kill me made me stronger, as the saying goes. I came through my divorce knowing exactly what I wanted and didn't want in a relationship, and I never had that kind of awareness before. I had a few dating experiences later, but I was strong for the first time, and when they didn't work out I was able to deal with it more easily because I could see they were not the right guys for me. It takes time.
Quote:Now I'm a mess alone, which I guess is better - at least I'm sparing him from dealing with me.
No, it's also better for YOU! Didn't you tell us that you felt bad having to rely on him at times? Now, things like guilt are stripped away. It is FAR better being alone, than being with a partner who cannot give you what you need. Your issues may be difficult to manage on your own, and it may be easier with a partner who cares -- but until that partner comes along, at least you don't have to live with the burden of guilt, don't feel like you have to say "I'm sorry I'm this way" to him, don't feel obligated, don't feel like you owe him for not being 100%, or whatever.
I'm sorry about the new guy. It totally sucks. I have no words of wisdom there. "Men are scum".
I'm sorry you are going through this. I'll echo others - getting over something of this magnitude can take a very long time. You've been through so much in such a short period of time.
This new guy may just not be the right person to see you through all of this. But you are an exceptionally strong person - one of the strongest I know. Your job is so crazy difficult - professionally you clearly have a lot together. You'll get through it with or without him.
There will be MANY more guys out there for you - you are still young, very pretty and very successful.
Please don't let this one guy get to you. He sounds somewhat immature. Hang in there! Hugs!!
Well, things are getting better again, thank goodness.
Today, I applied my first divorce lesson! I sent an e-mail to my "friend" explaining exactly where I was coming from and what I thought about where we had been and what we are now. He replied, and the gist of it was that he thinks I have unrealistic expectations for friendship, that I'm not thinking rationally right now, and that I might want to change my approach to friendship if I want more/better friends. And he professed a desire to remain my friend "within reason," adding the caveat that he would not spend time reassuring me about things I shouldn't be insecure about in the first place, and that he refuses to feel badly about it.
So, I cut him off. Basically what I said was - your words/attitude show that you don't respect me or think highly of me as a person, so that precludes us from being friends. I acknowledged that I do have high (and often unrealistic) expectations for friends, but said that I'd prefer to maintain those standards even if it means that certain people can't be my friends.
Lesson learned: I will not tolerate being made to feel defective or deficient for the way I live my life and the difficulties that I have with pain and depression.
And, I'm reading the book "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert, and it keeps giving me awesome and eerily timely advice. Here's what I read today:
"[His] purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and your addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, and make you so desperate and out-of-control that you had to transform your life..."
Good for you! I think you have made a great step here. Don't lower your standards. Take care of your own needs now and know that you deserve exactly the kind of happiness you seek.
Yes, good for you that you stood up for yourself. I am sorry this is all happening to you. You seem like a very nice person who certainly does not deserve all this pain. But it is what it is.
My advice: Give your pooch a hug and cry your eyes out whenever you can. Crying is good when you are hurting.
Nothing wrong with setting the bar high with friends. Why wouldn't you need reassurance at a time like this? I mean really! Of course you would. I agree with dune - you deserve happiness - it will come.
Quote:If you're beating yourself up, well, then who's going to be nice to you?
Well said anastasia. ITA
And I am so proud of you HH that you are taking baby steps in
helping yourself feel better. And we all know friendships come and go
So if this friend of yours cannot relate to you now? Then it is best
that he/she is out of your life for now, imo of course.
You need to be with people that will support you, not tear you down, when your already down.
I am so so sorry you are going through all of this.
But as you said these were YOUR CHOICES that YOU made.
So try not to be so hard on yourself
Also, you will continue to make new choices every day.
And what does not kill you will only make you stronger.
So, keep your chin up! and
I know in time it will all work out. Just give it TIME! And take each day in baby steps.
If you keep that in mind, you will feel so much better about your life.