Dear Abby
by Abigail Van Buren
7/28/08
FATHER-IN-LAW EAGER TO HAVE GRANDSON NEEDS REALITY CHECK
DEAR ABBY: At 17, I learned I could never have children. I was devastated. I thought there would never be a "happily ever after" for me. I was wrong. I have been happily married to a wonderful man for four years. I was honest with him about my infertility, and it made no difference to him.
The problem is my father-in-law. Although my husband has two sisters, he is the only son of an only son, and his dad is always pushing the baby issue. He says things like, "If I could only have a grandson before I die," or, "When are you going to get busy and have me a baby?" When I remind him that he has a grandson, he says it doesn't matter. He wants one with HIS last name.
My husband thinks I should just tell his father the truth -- that I can't have children -- but I'm afraid his parents will hate me. It has been seven years since I learned I can't have children, and I still feel an emptiness inside. And just when I think I can't feel any worse, my father-in-law's comments make me feel broken and useless. I could use some advice.
-- CHILDLESS IN ARKANSAS
DEAR CHILDLESS: I agree with your husband. The two of you should have a frank talk with his parents. Explain to his father that his comments are hurtful and why. He needs to know the truth. If you are "hated" after that, the problem is theirs -- not yours.
P.S. Even if you could have children, there is no guarantee that they wouldn't all be girls. Big Daddy is overdue for a dose of reality.
Geez. If I'd found out at 17 I was infertile I would have been jumping for joy.
I can't wrap my head around the mindset to be dishonest with people, for whatever reason. DH and I were totally up front with everyone about not having kids, I can't imagine pretending not to be infertile if I were. I guess I just don't give a flying fuck what people I'm not married to think of me. DH's family means nothing to me, they didn't raise me and I only know them peripherally, fuck 'em if they don't like the fact I'm not breeding for them.
If the parents hate her for something that is out of her control, they are total assholes to begin with. So what if they hate her? If the FIL is making her feel "broken and useless", it's time for her DH to step in!
Yikes, she's only 24, has an ass for a FIL, feeling empty about being childless, and her DH isn't standing up for her. Bad situation all around. Poor girl.
Yeah I'm glad she added the point at the end about no guarantee there will even be boys! That is what I can't stand about breeders. They are just *sure* the gender will be exactly what they want. Of course I bet FIL will expect her to keep popping them out until there is a boy, then he can just ignore all the granddaughters and dote on the grandson. Who cares if they have to have 5 or 6 and can't feed them?
What cats and Lindsay said, but she can say something too. Obviously this is a sensitive issue for her, maybe she doesn't want to adopt (?) and is accepting that she will not be a mother. That's enough for someone to deal with, her insensitive FIL needs to be told to back off the fertility of someone else is none of his business.
Big Daddy needs to be told that it isn't about him and his DNA.
Slight tangent to illustrate how Big Daddy's plan is flawed. My cousin C is the golden boy of our family. He can do no wrong and did the whole marrying his college sweetheart (I actually like his wife J). He also is the first cousin to get married and to give my grandparents some Great-grandbabies.
Couple issues. First, my cousin's wife J has had arthiritis since she was in grade school. So having babies is not a great idea to begin with. She had her first and was told by her doctor that it put a strained on her body, so one should be it. They had a baby girl.
So a couple years later J is pregnant again, much to her doctor's dismay. Stressful pregnancy and they have another girl.
I told my mother that I was betting that C was trying for a boy and must not care that he was putting his wife's health in serious straights. While Mom agreed, I was not allowed to say anything. A couple years later J is pregnant again. Really REALLY difficult pregnancy. And ...yup another girl. I told Mom that J needs to tell C to give it up. Our family name is not that unusual.
Last time I talked to J, she mentioned that they were done with having babies. (Actually, I don't mind the rugrats since C & J are actually trying to be good parents.)
So there is nothing that says Big Daddy would get his Golden Sprog even if the writer could get pregnant.
Too bad her DH can't be a man and tell his father to back it off. I told my MIL and DH's family that I wasn't having babies VERY early in our marriage.
BIL (that I met 10 minutes before this conversation) - When are you going to have babies?
Me - When DH can give birth to them.
I just don't get why some people think their DNA is so freakin' special. I have a friend with two girls. Her FIL is not happy about this because she was his only shot at carrying on the family name. (Her husband is one of three kids, one of whom is female and one who looks to be a lifelong bachelor.) They had actually talked about adopting a third child but decided against it because they knew getting a white baby would be nearly impossible and their families on both sides would not accept a child of a different race.
People are so fucked up in their thinking. Family name? GMAFB. If that's their biggest concern they should just STFU right now.
Here's the first time I ever heard that egomaniacal need to copy one's own DNA: Years ago when I was in my early 20s I had a boyfriend for a couple of months who broke up with me over a difference in religion. We were on the phone (yes, he broke up with me over the phone and it came out of the blue) arguing about him wanting to dump me and he suddenly starts screaming at me: "We can't stay together! How would we raise our children?! I would want them to be Christian and you would want them to be Jewish!!!!!!!!!!!!" And this was odd, because he knew I was an atheist and rejected the religion I grew up with, so to assume I would want children to be Jewish, or any religion, was weird.
But the craziest, of course, was the assumption that I was going to have his children after I told him several times I was never going to have kids. So I said, "What part of 'I'm never having children' didn't you understand when I told you that all those times?" And he said, "I'm not leaving this earth without spreading my DNA." And that kind of caught me off-guard, I didn't know what to say. I thought, Is that what breeding is all about? An ego booster to see your own DNA? And his DNA? Good gods, he was only 25 or so and was nearly completely bald already. He needed glasses since childhood. And his penis was the smallest and most ineffectual I'd ever encountered before or since, it would almost disappear when flaccid, and still hard to find when erect. He wanted to pass all that on? Why?
His DNA was pointless, and I never ever thought for one moment mine was special. That's the first time it hit me that breeding was mostly about the ego-stroking DNA fuck trophy one can hold up and stare at and show off. That's why my fucked up grandmother was always staring at me when I was little and it drove me up the wall. She was looking for the resemblance of her son in me, her golden boy, who beat my handicapped mother and was an alcoholic and abandoned me. I look just like him apparently, and that made her so happy she would stare at me for hours despite me demanding that she stop. Blechhh. People are so goddamned FUCKED UP.
anastasia Wrote:Geez. If I'd found out at 17 I was infertile I would have been jumping for joy.
I can't wrap my head around the mindset to be dishonest with people, for whatever reason. DH and I were totally up front with everyone about not having kids, I can't imagine pretending not to be infertile if I were. I guess I just don't give a flying fuck what people I'm not married to think of me. DH's family means nothing to me, they didn't raise me and I only know them peripherally, fuck 'em if they don't like the fact I'm not breeding for them.
I could not have said it better myself anastasia
I had similiar issues of not being able to breed too.
Only my issues were not as complicated. IF I really wanted children
I would have had to gone through some medical procedure.
But FTS No way, not for me.
Anyway, Bob knew it from the get go that I had no desire for children, and he was happy as a clam not to
be a father either.
As for his family we were up front with them too.
And granny always told us we were the "smart ones"
At least we KNEW not to have children just for he sake of having them. And its better for a child not to be born then to be born into an abusive situation.
Sadly that was the major conflict of my upbringing. So, I needed to stop the cycle with ME And END my abusive gene pool!