We Kid You Not Childfree Forums

I have a friend from work whom I've known for about 10 years. We have been getting a bit more chummy lately because we're serving on several committees together. She is the type of person who tries very hard to keep up with everything that's going on (both at work and in the world), and she really likes to talk about things. Although I like her, she sometimes also annoys me because she doesn't know as much as she thinks she does.

That came into play as we were talking tonight. We have some serious workplace issues coming up (which I'll write more about in another forum later), and we have been trying to solve some of the problems we're facing. Somehow her kids came up. She got all serious and said, "Dune67, I try not to talk about my kids with you. I want to be sensitive to you."

[Background for newbies: I always said I didn't want kids, but then I caught the baby rabies, AKA peer pressure, in my early 30s. I came to CF five years ago after pregnancy nearly killed me twice. I've never looked back and never had any regrets.]

I told her I had no problem with her discussing her kids as long as it was germane to the subject. She knew about what happened to me and was one of the people in contact with me through the whole ordeal. But somehow she'd gotten it into her head that I was hurt by the fact that she had kids and I don't. She seemed to think I was jealous or resentful. She actually said to me, "I wasn't sure if you were still upset or if you had just resigned yourself to not having kids" (as if these were the only two choices!). Honestly, the only time I was upset over the issue was when the pregnancy hormones were still raging. As soon as they were gone, I felt nothing more than relief that it was ok to make the choice not to try again!

I told her that we could have continued to pursue having kids if that was what we really wanted. I explained that we made an active choice not to have kids and were very happy with our lives. Meanwhile, her youngest was having a meltdown and had stripped off his pajamas to put his street clothes back on. I got to listen to him whine throughout the entire conversation!

So now I'm feeling a bit weird about this. I told her there was no reason to feel pity and she reflexively responded, "Oh, I don't pity you." But her tone said that she does. I really do like this person, but I think it's odd she's been carrying this assumption around for five years and never said a word to me. I want things to be clear between us, but at the same time I don't want to be in a position where I feel like I have to be defensive.

Thoughts? Advice?

I think it's really hard for anyone who has had kids to understand how it is for those without. Mostly, kids are their lives and they can only "imagine" what it must be like without them, as opposed to the reality. Like the difference between having actually experienced being in a country overseas as opposed to "imagining" what it would be like through stories and pictures. Your friend is trying to "imagine" what it would be like for you. It's not her fault, and I don't think you should drop her as a friend. Perhaps talk further with her and try to explain the "imagining" thing. She may well never get it, but I am sure if you mean a lot to her she will put it all behind you.

It sounds like she could use a little educating about the difference between childless and childfree. Most people don't understand until you explain that it's a different state of mind - where you believe that nothing is missing from your life and that you are not "meant to" raise a child. It's easy to see why she would assume that you were jealous or something - since, as far as she was concerned, your initial attempts at pregnancy came from a place of genuine desire to have and raise a child.

Maybe, if there's an opportunity to discuss it again, you could explain that you *thought* you truly wanted a child, but the experience taught you that you were trying to please others or doing what you thought you *should* want - but that you now know that it would have been a terrible mistake and that you are relieved and happy to be childfree.

If, after that discussion, she persists in her veiled pity - well, I don't know, I'd be upset and think of her differently from then on.

This sounds like me trying to have a conversation about religion with my mom. She'll say things like "Oh, back when you lost your faith..." and I'll remind her, "Mom, I didn't lose MY faith, I lost YOUR faith" and then she tsk tsks and mutters about how she will never stop praying for me.

This sort of thing.

For someone who simply CANNOT wrap their brain around the fact that (you may not want kids, you may not believe in their god, whatever), all they can do is frame it the only way they know how, which is that you are MISSING OUT on the GREATEST THING EVER and yeah, pity TOTALLY comes into play there.

I struggle a lot, as I was raised to pity people who didn't want the same things as me, etc., so I understand where they are coming from. It's annoying, but I get it. I have to say, to a certain extent, I pity people who think there is only one way of being, and that's christian and/or a parent. I pity that they never got to experience true freedom from those shackles. LOL