A couple whom my husband and I made friends with when we met at a No Kidding event last year are turning out to be really weird.
The weirdness started when they went to Cancun in September and ended up signing up for a vacation club deal. They actually thought we would want to go halves with them on it!! They know we are both back in college, busy most weekends and weeknights. Plus, Corey only has two weeks of vacation. To top it all off, we were to sleep on the fold away couch!!. uh, no thanks.
So anyways, a few weeks later, the husband says he doesn't want to focus on food anymore when we get together. We could not figure out why he couldn't just tell us in person the next time we got together over each other's house that he was full. I was put off by the whole remark. I love cooking from Cooking Light magazine. I figured I wouldn't be inviting them over to our house for dinner anymore.
This weekend we went to a wine festival together. He was aloof and disconnected the entire time. We sat down to eat a little chicken on a stick and some tacos, and he got mad at his wife for talking too much about how the food tasted. She thought it was good. Then she got up and came back with a one small scoop of vanilla ice cream and four oatmeal cookies for us all to share. He really got mad at her!!
He has gotten mad at her in the past and I said something about it. She claimed she did not notice. I sure noticed.
So this time, she calls me later that evening and wanted to talk about why we seemed distant. I told her it was because Mario said he didn't want to focus on food and that it made me feel awkward about getting together since we enjoy food and wine very much.
She said she would talk to him about it. They ended up coming over to our house afterwards to return my wallet I left in their car that day. Jeri, the wife, was very hoarse and her eyes were puffy as if she had been crying. Mario, her husband, sat down immediately on an ottoman that was directly in front of the TV which was on at the time. He had his back to us when we sat down in the living room. She started talking about him in the third person, as if he wasn't there. She sounded so successful about their "talk." Mario pretty much ignored her and us. Jeri said that Mario was willing to eat less when they came over to hang out and eat with us. Then she whispered to me that he even said he was willing to make sacrifices in order to keep our friendship. Sacrifices?!! I didn't realize it was such a sacrifice to say I am full. Eventually he reiterated what she said, and he was very phony about the whole thing.
The whole moment was awkward and weird. DH and I feel like the whole thing was way too forced. We also believe that there is more to his claim that he wants to lose weight and not focus on food. We think he got pissed when we didn't jump on their offer to split their vacation club obligation. He already does not go to anymore NK events because of something a guy said to him once.
I really liked Jeri, but they have been married for 17 years and that is the way they are. He has bad manners and is mean to her. She is a ditz for not noticing his bad manners.
When she first called that night, I told her that I felt we could work things out somehow and that I didn't want our friendship to end over this. But after they came over in person, I have changed my mind. This friendship is simply way too much work.
Plus, Mario does not allow their dogs to be in the house. Their one dog is 14 years old and can barely walk. They make their two dogs share one little igloo dog house outside. They only come in at night when the weather is 45 degrees or colder. I know he cannot stand any dog hair anywhere. He made her get rid of her cat when they married. Eventually they got two hairless cats. I have worked really hard to make sure our house is dog hair free as much as possible every time they have come over. I don't feel like working so hard to please them anymore.
It totally sucks when a guy is mean to his wife and yells at her for stupid stuff. I just hate it.
I'll get over this.
But you know, I would like anyone's opinion about how they would handle any future phone calls from her. I realize that they are not a healthy couple to be around and that I should move on. I am tempted to just ignore all phone calls even though I told her I still want to be friends. On the other hand, I think it would be more polite if I tell her that we are busy every time she wants to get together which is certainly true. I have just signed on to be a foster dog mom with the New Mexico Animal Friends. It is going to be a lot of work having five dogs, but I am looking forward to meeting true doggie people when I go to the adoption clinics on Saturdays with my foster dog.
A part of me does not want to be two-faced about this and a part of me says who gives a shit. This is my life.
Wow how weird! How weird to say he doesn't want to focus so much on food. Is he overweight? I mean, why would someone say that. Are they just bored of talking about food or something? Man that is odd.
Well, it seems like as much as you like Jeri their friendship is a package deal. What I usually do is just busy myself with other things and "phase" the person out. Maybe someone might say it's better to just tell them to their face you don't want to be their friend, but I prefer to just let it kind of run it's course.
If she calls and you don't mind talking to her about daily life, cool have a chat, but if she invites you maybe after a few times you have too many plans she'll get the hint. Do you think you and her could ever meet alone for lunch/coffee here and there? That way you aren't blowing her off and you can catch up with her here and there but you aren't stuck with Mario.
Ugh... just too weird.
Hmmmm.......
It might actually have everything to do with the weight loss. All of us who have dieted have felt resentment, at one time or another, against the people in our lives who seem to be "sabotaging" our efforts. Very quickly, those of us with half a brain realize that it's OUR choices that matter. If we go to someone's house and they are serving saucy hot wings, full-fat homemade mac 'n cheese and then a Boston Creme Pie, it's our job to take very tiny tiny portions, or eat something before hand. It's not our host's "fault" for serving very fattening dishes. It's possible that the very qualities that make him so egotistical and narcissistic as to berate his wife in public would make it someone else's fault that he's not losing weight.
The guy sounds like a major control freak and she is his doormat. Obviously this pattern works for them, since they have been married a long time. The guy hates food, wine, dogs, cats, your entire NK! chapter due to 1 person's comment, and now, apparently, you guys.
It sounds like the joy of hanging out with Jeri is completely eclipsed by the trauma of hanging out with Mario. That's too bad. Next time Jeri calls, just be honest and say, "Corey and I enjoy your company and we like you a lot, but we are not happy with the way Mario treats you or the way he behaves towards us. We don't enjoy his company and we don't think he enjoys ours. The 2 of us discussed things and we've decided that we don't feel right about socializing together anymore with you as a couple. I am still YOUR friend and I am here for you if you want to talk or hang out just the 2 of us, but I will understand if that is not possible for you. I am very sorry about this."
Thanks for your responses.
Dana - Yeah, it would be nice to be able to chit chat with her, but I feel exactly like CFScorpio put it. I hope I have the integrity to actually say it. She will probably be mad at me. Oh well. DH would prefer to let it just run its course by being busy all the time.
PrairieGirl: He is not FAT!! We are though. I actually thought at some point that maybe our being overweight grossed him out or something. His wife is in super shape. He even convinced to her get a face lift. He has highlights in his hair and is meticulous about his clothes. We rarely served dessert, usually a few chocolates to go with the last bottle of red wine. We did put out cheese and crackers though beforehand, and I usually always cook low-fat stuff.
CFScorpio: Yup. We did the same thing. Went down a list of things he doesn't like and ended up adding ourselves to that list too. I think I will tell her something along the lines of what you posted. It is all true.
CF Scorpio Wrote:It sounds like the joy of hanging out with Jeri is completely eclipsed by the trauma of hanging out with Mario. That's too bad. Next time Jeri calls, just be honest and say, "Corey and I enjoy your company and we like you a lot, but we are not happy with the way Mario treats you or the way he behaves towards us. We don't enjoy his company and we don't think he enjoys ours. The 2 of us discussed things and we've decided that we don't feel right about socializing together anymore with you as a couple. I am still YOUR friend and I am here for you if you want to talk or hang out just the 2 of us, but I will understand if that is not possible for you. I am very sorry about this."
There Scorp goes again reading my mind
This is exactly what you need to say. Maybe Jeri knows there is a problem but doesn't have the courage to admit it or confront Mario, maybe there are more serious issues going on (abuse?), or he's far more controlling than you guys realize. Offer to be her friend, the two of you can go out to lunch, coffee, or a movie or whatever without having to worry about what he wants. Maybe she'll open up, maybe she'll clam up and never speak to you again (one of those people that hates the truth or only likes "couple" friendships) but it can't hurt to tell the truth.
The thing with forcing his dogs to live outside is enough for me to hate him.
A part of me would want to do it the way Dana says, just be busy all the time and let it all fade away. Then a part of me would want to do what Scorp says, just be honest and get it over with. Both have their merits, but I can't deal with conflict, so I usually just let people fade away.
Quote:He is not FAT!! We are though. I actually thought at some point that maybe our being overweight grossed him out or something. His wife is in super shape. He even convinced to her get a face lift. He has highlights in his hair and is meticulous about his clothes. We rarely served dessert, usually a few chocolates to go with the last bottle of red wine. We did put out cheese and crackers though beforehand, and I usually always cook low-fat stuff.
THAT'S IT!!!!! You hit it right on the head. This jerk sounds to me that he is suffering from a term I like to call FATPHOBIA.
And it would not matter if you served celery & carrots all night long.
He would still act that way because of your size.
People like that think in their heads that FAT is a disease that can rub off on them. Oh I know that sounds silly but that is how they act.
Has he ever stared at you while you ate?
If so, he has it, or a simialiar case to it.
Anyway, If I was his wife, I would have kicked his ass to the curb 17 years ago, lol
As for your friendship to the poor wife.
I would do as CFScorp said. And talk to her and tell her how you feel.
That is if you want to still be her friend. If you feel the effort is too much, seeing is that she does sound like a doormat, and probably won't listen to you. And I know what that 50/50 feeling is all about.
Living life as a SAG! I know exactly what you mean. So the frustration of "why bother" sometimes kicks into your head.
But anyway, IF, the other half of you does say "fuck it, why bother". Then that is what Voice Mail was made for.
But if you still want her as a friend. Try getting her alone away from her jerk of a hubby and try to talk some brains into her. You might get lucky, she might listen.
Either way you decide, I hope it all works out, and good luck to all of you.
Edit BTW I could never be friends with people who treat their dogs like trash!
Allergies or no allergies. And I am the queen of Sneeze! LOL
Dogs need a loving warm home, not some outside shanty of a dog house
I'm with Scorp and Kirby. If she's open to it, offer to be HER friend and see if you can see her without him being along.
He sounds like he is abusive. Maybe just verbally or emotionally, but abuse is abuse. Women like that need strong female friends. It could save her life one day. You never know.
That said, you also have to do what will work for YOU. If they are much too much work for you, then fazing them out may be the better answer. You're not obligated to be anyone's friend.
Jen M.
Yeah, Bittercat and Trucker's Wife - Today as I was thinking over what has happened, I am leaning more towards the realization that we cannot be friends. She is the friend who I talked about in another post that got out of a very abusive marriage of ten years. This is the second guy she married.
As much as I truly enjoyed our friendship while it lasted, she is a doormat to her husband. And yes, I have no idea what other twisted shit goes on between them. She has a big family that lives in town so she isn't completely alone.
What I have learned from this whole thing is that I must not let myself overlook important things that matter to me. I think I let their treatment of their dogs go because I knew that Jeri loved them. Obviously her definition of love is extremely skewed. And sometimes I think I invest way too much in how I think about dogs. This is wrong for me to think. I have learned that I am absolutely right when I think that the way people treat their pets is a good indication to how they relate to the world. Shallow superficial people do not like dog hair, wet kisses, or exuberant displays of affection. I have learned not to get too close to anyone that I judge as superficial. Preferring to live in a sterile environment means I better stay far away as possible.
I got sad and cried about it today. I think it will help me get over how things have turned out. I am definitely prepared to tell her exactly how I feel. I want to tell her how I truly value my friendship with her but I don't feel the same way about Mario. I want to tell her that it breaks my heart to feel this, but it is the truth. My husband feels the same way too. I realize it means we won't be getting together and I am very sorry how things worked out.
If she presses me for examples, I will spill my guts about everything, starting with how he doesn't like their dogs in the house.
God, what a fucking asshole that guy is. He seemed so sincere in the beginning. He knew we knew a lot about red wine and wanted to learn more about the subject. We had really good times tasting wine. Then he and my husband really hit it off when they realized they share a strong passion for soccer. He bought DH an official soccer jersey of his favorite team. Corey, my husband, wondered what he should do with it. I told him he should sell it on Ebay, a suggestion I read from another post on this forum (he, he).
Another thing we are putting together is this past winter, they found a bullet hole in their house. It started from outside up on the second story, went through the first wall, then a second wall and into their bedroom where it exited way up close to the ceiling. His truck was broken into twice around this time. Once at their house and once at his work. They also had a Xmas lawn ornament stolen. We are convinced this is all the work of somebody who doesn't like him either.
Crying is good. It's cleansing.
I hope you are pleasantly surprised when you talk to Jeri, and that she says "OK. I'd love to meet up with you for coffee once in a while. I'll leave Dickwad at home."
Not likely, but it's good to hope.
For the record, I think the way they treat their dogs sucks.
Jen M.
That really sucks. I hate it when you have a really good relationship with somone and they get tangled up with a person who's abusive/possessive/etc and then the entire friendship has to go down the toilet because that person won't "allow" their spouse to hang out with other people without them.
I know that tangling up with abusive men probably stems from some deep-seeded issue. But it still bothers me that a lot of these women will tolerate it. I mean, how they can they call themselves truly happy? Is it better to be single and free (perhaps a bit lonely) or with someone and abused? Is the need to have a man that great that the woman will allow a guy to completely run her life?
I don't mean to get on a tangent here...it's just that I see shades of this in my friend's new relationship and in my relationship with my ex. But I can only echo what others have said. If she's unwilling to hang out with you without her husband (or if her husband won't allow it), then maintaining the friendship is going to be mighty difficult.
Quote:God, what a fucking asshole that guy is. He seemed so sincere in the beginning
Opilies, Con men usually follow that pattern.
They will be sweet and kind to you in the beginning, and then once they feel they have their hook in you, they reel you in.
I would think your friend would have had more smarts especially after a first bad marriage to have had a background check done on her second hubby, before she even got involved with him.
I thought that was the standard practice for women of today?
I guess I must be wrong.
But anyway, whats done is done, she is married to him now. And all she can do, is hope that he lets her see you as a pal without him. Its called trust in a marriage! How can he possibly be threatned by another woman? If you was a boy pal of her's I can see where he would go ballistic. But, your a woman! So I just don't understand men that spaz out like that! That is too weird and controlling for my taste.
Yep it is very sad indeed that all of this is happening to you Opilies
I really do feel your pain. And I hope you GF will come to her senses and look for lucky number 3. But, if not, hey you have your own marriage to work on.
So just let her be. And hopefully, She will smarten up one day. I just hope she survives through it Period.
Cause that bullet hole you mentioned is a very scary thought indeed.
Unfortunately I have lost a couple of good friend because they got hooked up with control freak asshole guys. Sad but what can you do? I go with the others who say you should just lay it on the line with her. Of course, I don't like confrontations either so I tend to just avoid phone calls. Either way it sounds like the friendship is over unfortunately. *hugs*
I'm not surprised someone is shooting at his house (as scary as the thought is), considering his behavior. That sounds like a pretty heavy piece of artilery if it went through 2 walls and the ceiling from outside. I wouldn't want to be involved with anyone so hated that people are shooting at him. See - this is why I don't hang out around the White House any more.
Anyway, this totally sucks. My ex-wife was very abusive, and this guy reminds me a little of her. They're always nice to new people, then their fuckd up shit takes over. They don't seem to be able to help it, and sometimes they're not even aware of how fucked up they are. Then they drag down everyone around them and inflict busloads of damage to themselves and others (neat appearances notwithstanding).
It's best to let the wife know how you feel, straight up - you don't like Mario, wouldn't mind being friends with her alone, etc. Maybe eventually she'll put 2 and 2 together and realize what a terrible situation she's in and try to do something about it. I just hope if she does that asshubby doesn't get all Extreme Terrorist, as "these people" sometimes do when their partner tries to break it off. I also hope she's close to her family and that she can get support from them when she needs it.
((Opiles)) I'm so sorry you are going through this. The guy sounds like an ass. Like anastasia, the fact that he leaves his dogs outside is quite enough for me to form an opinion about him. Not a positive one.
You are doing the right thing. Hugs to you. Maybe some day she'll come to her senses and ditch this jerk.
Coming in late to this one... and I don't have much to add except that CFScorp put it beautifully - hell, print it out and use it as a script over the phone!
And I think you mourning the good parts of the friendship is to be expected. Your story reminded me of my "breakup" with my best friend back in late 2000. Her fiance broke up with her a month before the wedding (I was maid of honor) and I wasn't really surprised. But then she started dating one of her middle school students' father - and we went out with them and it was horrible.
Trying to keep an open mind, we went to a birthday party for her at his house... and learned that their dogs lived in a wire pen that was basically just dirt with a dog house. I asked whether they ever came inside, and she said, "of course, they sleep in the laundry/mud room at night - otherwise mountain lions would get them." I was shocked because my friend is a HUGE animal person and I had no idea how she could justify this. I wondered what would happen to her beloved cat when she moved in with him.
Anyway, it's very difficult to understand what motivates people sometimes, and you get to wondering if they ever really held the beliefs you thought they did. And I mourned the loss of her friendship for years. But I know it was the right thing to do, and I don't regret breaking off the friendship. Hopefully she is better off, too.
I agree with hockeyhound.
You know, all this reminds me of this pattern in my own life: friends seems to just stop writing after a while. I don't know why. I don't think I'm being rude, a jerk, or otherwise offensive or anything other than a friend. It's just that after a while, it seems like I'm doing all the work in the friendship (most of my friends live a certain distance away, so this is all by email, mind you). After a while, I'm just gabbing about my life and taking a serious interest in theirs, but they don't say very much. If I just stop writing, I never hear from them again.
It's frustrating, not to mention sad, but I don't know what else to do except stand back and let them take the next step, if there is one. I know I've made it clear through actions and words that I'd like to continue being friends (I've even said it directly), but I get at best a lukewarm response or some reason that makes sense but feels like an excuse (oh, nothing's up, we're just busy, etc). I can think of 5 friends I was in relatively recent contact with where this happened.
I sometimes feel like friendship is not a desired thing in modern society. I know it's pure bullshit, but it still feels like it sometimes.
Not a boo-hoo rant, this all just reminded me of that. Maybe someone with better insight into human nature than I knows something I don't.
Oh, well.
Leaves the dogs outside? Comes over to talk, but has his back to you? Says he will make a "sacrifice" to maintain your friendship? And
Quote:He even convinced to her get a face lift
!!!!
Are you kidding, please for your own sanity, go back and read everything you've written here. What kind of a man convinces his partner to get a face lift? And what kind of woman would keep that man around?
This guy is a Grade A asshole and Jeri seems to have a very low self-esteem to put up with his bullshit. You may want to try to ramin friends
with her as it sounds like she needs an oportunity to be away from her jerk of a husband. But be warned that relationships with women, when you can't stand their husbands, don't generally last long.
Good luck, keep us posted.
Hi
Oooh, sounds weird and creepy. Life is too short to be around negative people. Sounds like the friendship has gone as far as it can and that you no longer have enough in common. When she calls just say that you are busy and that you will call her when you are free, but don't. If she keeps calling and doesn't get the hint, just be weird and creepy back if need be. Hopefully she will stay away.
Good luck