I've been finding lately that my friend's BF is really getting on my nerves. I'm really happy that my friend has found someone but I'm just starting to feel more and more that this guy is not the right one for her. But I've been biting my tongue because she's my friend and I know better than to butt my nose in unless she specifically comes to me and asks me for my advice.
As you may know, this is also the guy who's been enlisting my help in all of his recent moves (I think count is up to 3 now). He had to move again on June 30 and I said that I couldn't do it. Amazingly, he actually got someone else to help him. The only problem was that he didn't take all of his things and actually had my friend move his stuff for him while he was at work. Nice, right? I felt bad so I went with my friend to the apartment. A few things turned out to be about 8 black garbage bags full of stuff. But what bothered me most was the condition of the apartment. It was very messy. The kitchen counters were sticky, there were two bags of garbage lying on the floor, and the bathroom...what a horror scene. The tub was coated with nasty soap scum that reeked. Now I know that some guys aren't the neatest but c'mon now. That was downright gross. All I started thinking in my head was how I knew who was going to be stuck cleaning up the house in that relationship.
My friend and I then went for a walk in the park. Her BF started calling her up and making all of these various demands. One was that he wanted to borrow her bus card because he had no money to get home. He wanted someone to drop it off at his work. We were still at the park at 10pm and he called up annoyed wondering where we were. Mind you...I wound up being the one to drop off the card to him at 10:30 and he was still at work. He opened the door, gave me a terse thank you, and that was it. WTF!
I've also been noticing other little (or not so little) things too. We all went out to dinner and to play pool last week. My friend put everything on her debit card. I didn't see her BF cough up any cash for his share. Then, he was trying to curb her cursing because he "didn't like it" yet I specifically heard him say that he curses freely around friends he knows really well. Talk about a double standard. Another incident involved his ex-GF (who lives in Cali) contacting him and telling him that she was coming into NJ and wanted to see him. He was going to go see her and didn't want my friend to be there. He also said he "had no idea" how she got his new phone number. Bullshit. But he didn't go because my friend actually put her foot down.
I see shades of my relationship with my ex-fiance. I became so accomodating to him because I wanted to please him and make the relationship work. But how far can you go twisting yourself into a pretzel for someone who is in essence selfish and demanding. I only want the best for my friend. I don't want to see her unhappy like I became. But I also know badmouthing her BF is not the answer either. I guess the best thing right now is to just let her vent on her own time.
Thanks for letting me vent. This guy just really rubs me the wrong way.
Your friend needs a wake-up call if those HUGE indicators haven't been one for her already.
He is using her and she's being more like a mom than a girlfriend or lover. She needs to stick up for herself as I'm sure (based on your information) she's far too good to be wasting her time with this jerk.
Tell her about it. Seriously. I've kept my mouth shut before because "it was the right thing to do" and when I tried to breach the subject of issues I saw (when I was asked by someone I'd known for 10 years) I told her. She was mature enough not to get hurt and also chose to stay with him. 3 years later she called me crying admitting she was wrong, turns out guy was a major alcoholic and she KNEW it - but kept it from friends and family. She didn't want to admit all his problems- she wanted a fairytale marriage like she thought all her friends were having.
So later she divorce the guy, moves to town and is bringing with her a guy we'll call Loser #2. She wants me to meet him and immediately he rubs me the wrong way, he's a jerk, a 30 yr old going on 16 in all ways. By the end of the night I wasn't speaking to him (he was that much of a jerk!) A few weeks later she dumped him...
Anyway, point of the babble I guess is that you SHOULD tell her. It's not an easy conversation to have, try not to be super critical but just bring up the things he's done and the things he does and how you know she would never normally tolerate those things. Why is he different? Would she really rather be with someone who doesn't respect her enough to tell her the truth or pay his own way than be alone?
Good luck- I've obviously been there and done that.
~
Yeah. I'm with Kirbs. I've been there, too. Tell her about your feelings and encourage (but don't outright ORDER) her to get out while she can.
This man could turn out to be an abuser. He sounds very controlling.
Jen M.
I don't understand why friends feel that they have to keep their mouths shut when it comes to crappy men with their friends.
Does anyone even know the defination of a FRIEND!!!
Its more then just, sitting back and watching them self destruct in the name of "minding my own business".
Its about stepping in and helping them even when they know they should help themselves but don't or can't due to Circumstances
beyond their control, ie money, job, kids etc.
All I know is, if, I was so blinded by affection that I could not even see what was happening right in front of my face! I would want my friends to tell me the TRUTH!
And I would suggest you do the same for your friend Water Lily, before this ass wipe takes it to the next level and handcuffs your girlfriend to a tree or something worse just for laughs. Don't laugh its been known to happen.
But anyway My advice to you is to copy and print out everything you just vented to us about all of this. And show it to your GF
If she is really your GF, she would thank you for your opinions
And she will have more insight & facts as to what is really going on.
NO MAN has the right to dish out double standards on women these days.
And that cussing bit, was my bottom line to fire me up to post this letter.
In fact feel free to copy what I say and read it to her too.
I have been happily married for 23 yrs this July 14th.
I would not say anything if in fact I didn't know how to hold on to a man & keep him happy for so long.
If my man was so miserable with me he would have walked out on me ages ago.
So I know of what I speak.
Communication in any relationship is the key!
This man needs to know that how he has been acting and treating your GF is unacceptable. And someone needs to sit this jerk down and talk to him. That is IF he is worth saving, lol
And if your GF had ½ a brain she would agree to that idea too. I hope she does
ITMT, I wish her and you the best of luck in dealing with this slob.
That is IMHO and I am sticking to it.
So sorry if this truth hurts, but truth usually does.
You can talk to her about it if it will make you feel better to get it off your chest, but if she is really in love, she won't listen to you. In fact, she might be so blinded by infatuation that she will convince herself that you are jealous of her and are trying to ruin her perfect relationship.
So if you do confront her about it, be prepared for the possibility of losing her as a friend.
That's always a possibility, but again in my experience a true friend will realize you are just trying to help. It's her life and she can choose to listen to you or not, but if she's willing to choose a guy over a friend she wasn't much of a friend to begin with.
I did mention to my friend the fact that I didn't like the way her BF never really thanked me Monday night for helping him out. This came after she started venting to me how he asked her to come over and help him unpack and then wouldn't even walk her two lousy blocks back to her house late at night. She got pissed and told him that she felt like he used her just to help him out and then wouldn't even extend the courtesy of walking her two blocks late at night. One of our other mutual friends actually wound up walking her home.
I told her that it was good that she told him how she really felt. I told her not to make the same mistake that I made in that in my past relationship with my ex-fiance, I tended to bottle things up inside.
So at the very least, I think she's starting to open her eyes but I'm still treading carefully. I usually wait to let her vent and then I throw in my
here and there. This guy is her first love and you're right, I know that she may think I'm trashing him and may go and take his side.
CF Scorpio Wrote:You can talk to her about it if it will make you feel better to get it off your chest, but if she is really in love, she won't listen to you. In fact, she might be so blinded by infatuation that she will convince herself that you are jealous of her and are trying to ruin her perfect relationship.
So if you do confront her about it, be prepared for the possibility of losing her as a friend.
That has been my experience. I lost a good friend who repeatedly made bad choices about men. When she was working on her third loser, I finally pointed out that she kept making bad choices and finding men who abused her either physically or mentally. Guy #1 beat her. Guy #2 was a totally controlling nut job. Guy #3 was emotionally unavailable, kept things from her, and told her outright he didn't want to get married. She was so convinced he was cheating that she was putting on disguises and sneaking around to check on him.
She got very defensive about Guy #3 and ended up dumping me and pretty much all her other friends because everyone was telling her this was not a good idea. Believe it or not, they actually got married last year after she managed to hang onto him for nearly nine years. (At one point she had a job out of town for a couple of years and even though they were together, one of his coworkers told me he was dating other women at the time.) It will be interesting to see if this works out for her.
I watched a good friend walk down the aisle with a total jackass a year ago. I dropped a few hints that she was making a mistake, but she always had some dopey excuse, "We already paid the deposit...blah, blah, not that important in the long run."
Anyway, she no longer speaks to me or even looks me in the eye. It's taken a year to get over losing her, and I hate to admit it, but it makes me feel good that her marriage is already falling down the crapper.
Lindsay Wrote:I watched a good friend walk down the aisle with a total jackass a year ago. I dropped a few hints that she was making a mistake, but she always had some dopey excuse, "We already paid the deposit...blah, blah, not that important in the long run."
Anyway, she no longer speaks to me or even looks me in the eye. It's taken a year to get over losing her, and I hate to admit it, but it makes me feel good that her marriage is already falling down the crapper.
That old adage "what goes around, comes around" works every time don't it Lindsay? LOL
If she ASKS you what you think, that's your opening. If she's not asking, I'd keep quiet. Most people are going to do what they are going to do regardless of what others think... but if someone is actively seeking advice, that's a different story.
Good luck - you are between a rock and a hard place.
kirby Wrote:That's always a possibility, but again in my experience a true friend will realize you are just trying to help. It's her life and she can choose to listen to you or not, but if she's willing to choose a guy over a friend she wasn't much of a friend to begin with.
ITA Kirby men may come & go but a true friend should last a life time.
Although that fact is very rare, but it is true nevertheless.
And she can choose to listen or choose to let everything WW says go in one ear and out the other.
but at least WW should have the opportunity to get this off her chest to the person that really NEEDS to hear IT!
And BTW WW I think that your so called friends who have snubbed you regarding your party invitation was down right cold blooded.
If I was you I would re-evaluate this friendship?
Note: To Kirby Thanks a million for removing that crawling bug avatar (ugh)
I no longer need cover the screen just to read your posts.
Your new Avatar is cool
I know exactly what you are talking about with that party. I think a lot of it had to do with my toxic ex who incidently, has apparently cut off contact with my friend's BF and not just me. Good riddance to that!
I decided, for reasons of my own, to postpone the party until late August anyway.
As far as being blown off regarding dropping off my friend's BF's keys...he actually apologized for it and said that he was sorry that he wasn't able to take the time and give me a more appropriate token of gratitude.
And as far as my friend seemingly paying for everything with her debit card...apparently the BF is handing over his checks to her to deposit in her account. I curious to know why he just doesn't open up his own bank account but when I get around to asking my friend, I'll find out. For now, I won't assume that she is footing the bill for everything.
But there are signs that my friend needs to be aware of. I've gently steered her towards the direction of keeping her eyes open and speaking up when she feels that he's done something that she doesn't like. I used the analogy that I didn't want her to make the same mistakes that I made in my previous relationships. This is her first love and her first BF ever so I know that those emotions can be overwhelming and powerful and cause her to be blind to objectively evaluating the situation.
There are many reasons one might not want to have a bank account. Heck, if I could manage to live that way, I'd close mine, too!
Jen M.
The most obvious answer to the checking account question is that he is not eligible to open one. Either he is illegal in the country, or he has bounced checks on a previous account. Either one can disallow you from having a checking account.
But still, either one is a big red flag.
I can relate to this. I find it hard to stay friends with people who live with the wool over their eyes their entire lives!!