I wanted your input on this question...when you end a relationship, are you one to throw out momentos from that person or are you one to hold onto them for years to come?
I ask this because I was thinking about things that I had from my ex-fiance whom I've been broken up with for two years now. I tore up all of the cards and letters he sent me, I shredded our engagement pictures, and I threw out the dried rosebuds from the very first bouquet of roses he gave me on our very first Valentine's Day together. And you know what? I don't regret it for a second. I felt like an incredible weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I see no reason in holding onto the past. I also think it's what helped me to let go emotionally not having all of those "reminders" in my possession.
But then again, someone else might say that they hold onto all of that stuff. What's your opinion?
I purge. The only exception are letters I got from a friend who turned into a lover for a very short time, and we parted amicably. I threw away the romantic stuff, and kept the "friend" stuff.
No regrets.
I have kept things of value (jewelry, mainly), and over time, wearing it reminds me of nothing but the fact that I like the piece of jewelry. I have sold/tossed tacky jewelry that I initially kept just because he gave it to me -- once he was gone, I was under no obligation to be nice.
In the case of wedding/marriage stuff, I put stuff in a box for a year, then revisited it to see if I wanted any of it. The answer back then was "no". Dad wanted my photo album, though -- mainly because he paid a fortune for the photographer at the wedding, and couldn't stand the idea of throwing out something "so expensive". Whatever -- *I* don't have to look at it, so if he wanted it, that's fine.
If the parting was amicable enough, I've kept things--usually pictures and/or letters. If it wasn't a healthy relationship or the ending wasn't good, I've purged. My DH has a box with some old relationship stuff in it, as do I. As for my previous marriage, my ex took the wedding album, but I have all the extra pics and negatives. Since I didn't wear a traditional dress, I can get away with sharing some of the good solo pictures from time to time and don't have to explain anything, which is convenient.
I still wear jewelry given to me by exes, but rarely give it a thought as to who gave it to me.
I would never throw anything like that away. And I would have severe misgivings about anyone who pressured me to do so. It's a part of my life, so deal with it!
For me, it depends on the items and on the ex. I kept a few things from Greg (my recent ex.) Most of it was T-shirts and other clothing that he made/painted himself.
Other than that, I keep what's practical. Things I use and enjoy. After the relationship is over, it's about the items, not about their history.
Jen M.
I keep pictures. Even if the break-up was a bit messy, as long as I don't hate the person, I see it like we had some good memories together, so why throw away photos. I even have a few pictures displayed around my house of long-ago exes. It seems to bother the men I date, but I don't care so much, I guess. Hey, I'm not with them now, am I?
As for flowers/cards - I never keep any stuff like that, even when I'm still dating the person. I'm just not a sentimental person at all.
Yeah. Come to think of it, I keep pictures, too. I don't tend to put them on display, though. They either live on my PC or are stuck into my journals.
Jen M.
I've kept a few things and tossed others. It depends on the relationship and how it was ended. Expensive gifts I have often sold on e bay and am currently looking into pawning.
In my case its a little bit of both.
I had a High school sweet heart who I was madly in love with.
But he broke my heart. And I will never forgive him for what he did to me. ( long story) But anyway I threw out everything he ever gave me.
I even went to the Dakota Beach FL and went out into the ocean on a Catamaran and threw out a Pix of us together into the ocean.
AT the time I was with an ex fiancee
Who I was ready to spend my life with him.. But his mother who lived in FL & who I was there to meet. Had other ideas. ( another long story)
The EX I for sure threw out everything he ever gave me.
So Yep I believe in always looking ahead to the future, and if I can help it, never looking back. Except for today, lol Being reminded of all of my past affairs before I met my wonderful DH, has me thinking.
But NOPE I have no regrets. I know I did the right thing.
Note: I never got anything pricey worth keeping like rings, necklaces, etc. If I had gotten anything of value I know I would have sold it, lol
But I do have ONE remaining PIX of my old high school sweetie.
That was part of my brothers wedding.
I never threw that one out. I don't know why.
I know NOW that he is such a jerk. LOL
He moved off to TX he has kids and grandkids. So I know I would never have been happy with him & vice versa.
But the pix remains in my photo album just the same. But It rarley is opened for any reason. So it never bothers me anymore.
From one online relationship I have an MP3 he sent (Australian song, not likely to find it, and I like it), a key ring and a coaster. I did ditch all other digital things, like pics, chat histories and emails and poems. I haven't kept anything from anyone else, I'm not that sentimental, and seeing pics, chat histories, and songs (actually written and performed by the person in question) can bring up bad memories and feelings.
I have wondered WHY do I hang onto the key ring and the coaster, they're your basic souvenir from Australia-type, not personal. I have a zillion key rings, I don't need that one. The relationship didn't last a year, and it was over 10 years ago. I just can't see why, I don't feel anything for him any more, I don't think about him when I put my drink on the coaster. But, I just never get around to throwing them out.
I purged most of it from my previous two LTRs prior to DH. It was too painful to keep for the most part. I did keep the jewelry from LTR #1 because he was my first love. It's nothing fancy, just a tiny diamond chip promise ring and an opal ring that I actually wore on my wedding day since it matched the beautiful opal necklace DH gave me as a wedding gift. (I haven't worn it since.) LTR #2 also gave me a ring, but I regifted it to my cousin. She appreciated it and actually wears it.
I agree with the cathartic response. I felt much better knowing the letters, pictures, and memorabilia were not around, and I was glad to give away things others could use so something good came out of the process besides release of anger.
I have thrown out stuff over the years. I had a picture from my first love, but somewhere along the way I got rid of it. I had pictures of my last boyfriend before I got married. But I find myself shredding one or two here and there when I go through my "stuff". All things, including jewelry, notes, letters, eventually have been discarded.
After my mother died and I went through all her stuff, I vowed never to keep as much stuff as she had. I have the memories in my head. If get Alzheimer's then so be it.
My DH is the memento person. He still has his soccer team shirts when he played as a kid!! He will not get rid of them. But he never had any LTR's before he met me. I guess I am lucky.
I have only kept a few items from ended relationships.
One was a pencil sketch that my college boyfriend did. It was well done and I used it for many years to decorate my apartments.
I had a bracelet that a guy had given me many moons ago, but it wasn't really worth anything, it just went with several outfits that I had at the time.
Oh, and my plate set from my "use-to-be-human" live-in. I kept the plates he gave me for our last Christmas for about 3 years after our break up. (Hey, good heavy Corningware...I am not getting rid of perfectly good stuff.) Ended up buying a different set shortly before meeting DH.
I think I have one or two letters from former boyfriends, but I couldn't tell you where they are at. (Probably with my book of really bad college poetry.) Otherwise, if I got gifts that were something small, they were clutter and didn't last more than one move.
There was something my ex made me that I would have kept if it had not gotten broken.
I forget whether it was a birthday or an anniversary, but one year, he bought me a Hello Kitty collage photo frame (I'm really into Hello Kitty, even now. LOL!) He took a great deal of time and effort to assemble pictures of our cats in it. It was one of the sweetest gifts I've ever gotten, particularly from him.
Unfortunately, it got broken. I don't remember how. I would have kept that.
Jen M.
I've kept everything. Letters, photos, gifts. Why not? It reminds of the good times and bad times and it reminds me of how lucky I am now to have who I have in my life.
NKBurlington Wrote:I've kept everything. Letters, photos, gifts. Why not? It reminds of the good times and bad times and it reminds me of how lucky I am now to have who I have in my life.
Like NKB, I've kept a lot of things. I have a number of letters and various other memorabelia from past relationships. Most of mine are from high school and early college though. I like having these things because it reminds me of a time in my life when relationships were so intense and passionate and complicated (at least they seemed so at the time). I look back fondly at those times, and I'm still friends with some of the guys I was dating back then, so we reminisce sometimes. I have very little from my later college and post-college years though. Maybe just a few pictures, and a journal or two from that time. There wasn't really much to keep though, and I'd probably still have it if there was.
I figure that these things I keep are mementos of my life, good, bad or indifferent. Those memories mean a lot to me, and the letters, pictures, cards, etc., are tangible evidence that they really did happen. I don't want to get rid of that.
Vanessa
ETA - DH has a lot of stuff too, going all the way back to high school. Occasionally it bothers me a little, but then I remind myself not to be hypocritial because I would hate it if he asked me to get rid of the things I've kept.
I kept everything from all my old boyfriends - from the first bottle of perfume that one gave me when I was 6 years old, to pressed flowers and cards as I got older. Photo's were the biggest crime. I packed most of them away in my mothers garage for "later" when I would have the room to store them in my own house, as my flat was really small. It took me 23 years to get into a house. When I opened the boxes it was like a flood of memories, some really horrible whereby I chucked out most of them. When I looked at the photo's they no longer had the same meaning for me, so out they went to. I did pause here and there over some items, and kept perhaps 5 things but that was it. Besides, I am friends with all my favourite ex's anyway - don't need the memories when they are still around.
I've thrown away (or burned) most of the romantic things from my first marriage because those things held bad memories. I still have some things from the next relationship because those things bring back memories that make me feel good about myself.