We Kid You Not Childfree Forums

Dear Abby
by Abigail Van Buren
6/12/08

DEAR ABBY: Our kids have decided not to have kids. Although we have no choice but to accept it, and would never express our disappointment or lay a guilt trip on them, we still have feelings about it. It's our biggest sadness.

All the people we know have grandchildren. At holidays they have toys to buy, cookies to bake, dinners to plan. Our friends and relatives tell us that because we won't have grandkids we can buy ourselves something extra-special. It doesn't make us feel any better.

An entire chapter of our lives will be missing. No one will call us "Grandma" or "Grandpa." Are our feelings legitimate, or are we whining about nothing? -- NOBODY'S GRANDMA

DEAR NOBODY'S GRANDMA: You are whining about something. However, if you feel left out because you won't be buying toys at holiday time, baking cookies and being called "Grandma" nd "Grandpa," I have a suggestion for you. "Adopt" a needy family with small children and assume that role. You need only look as far as your nearest homeless shelter, program for abused women, or ask someone in Social Services to find one for you. I guarantee you'll be greeted with open arms and open hearts.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

I was annoyed by the first sentence in her reply. It is like Abby wanted to give them the right to whine to their kids. "Oh, look, Dear Abby said that it is something."
And could you just pick EVERY Kodak moment. If I was Abby, I would mention that it isn't going to be them RAISING the child 24/7. I'm impressed that NG raised a child to be independent enought to think for themselves.
I do like her response of adopting a needy family. There are several types of places that have that whole adopt a grandparent type thing.

Bet money that this woman sees the idea of helping her community and says "But it isn't the same as 'real' grandchildren."

gingerzing Wrote:I was annoyed by the first sentence in her reply. It is like Abby wanted to give them the right to whine to their kids. "Oh, look, Dear Abby said that it is something."

I didn't see it that way at all. The last sentence in the woman's letter was basically saying, "Am I right to feel this way, or am I just whining?" Abby's response confirmed that she thinks the woman is wrong AND whiny.

ETA: I just reread the response, and I see what you are saying. The lady is like, "Am I whining over nothing?" and Abby says, "You are whining over SOMETHING." That's rather ambiguous. It's like she's saying, "Yes you are a whiny bitch, but you are allowed to be upset." Hmmm....

I mean on whole, decent answer for a change. And Abby didn't tell the woman to give it time because her child/children will change their minds. And a good outlet for Grandma feelings.
But that first sentence was a double edged sword. Taken either way. And if you are a whining entitled wannabe granny then you can take it that Abby IS calling the something an issue.

Seriously, all she wants is the holiday picture perfect moments? Hell, both my grandparents lived in the same town I grew up in. My folks didn't always use them for babysitters, but I spent quite a bit of time with them and I am certain I didn't leave them only Kodak moments.

I hate it when all people look for are the Norman Rockwell ideal family myth. Even in normal families that doesn't happen.

Thankfully, DH has sisters who have popped out 3 kids each (well the one welfare queen whom I have NEVER met and NEVER hope to meet, has 4) so MIL is a "Nana" without my uterus. And my mom is cool with it. Probably knew for a while I wasn't doing the kid thing. She has adopted several friends' children. My friends' kids and some of her friends' kids. And it works.

Their disappointment is purely selfish. They are upset about what they will be missing from their lives. They are jealous that their friends have grand kids and they don't.

I guess the selfishness of wanting kids never ends - even as your own children grow up and try to lead their own lives.

I feel sorry for them. They should be enjoying their retirement and living their lives rather than pining for something that will never be.

I'd swear my parents wrote that...

NKBurlington Wrote:Their disappointment is purely selfish. They are upset about what they will be missing from their lives. They are jealous that their friends have grand kids and they don't.

I guess the selfishness of wanting kids never ends - even as your own children grow up and try to lead their own lives.

I feel sorry for them. They should be enjoying their retirement and living their lives rather than pining for something that will never be.

Agreed.

DH's mother was furious when she found out I'm CF and told him not to marry me. She already has 3 grandkids from her other son. So what's the problem? They're all girls, and the parents are done making kids and they're fixed. She's furious because she didn't get the ever important grandSON, because, after all, boys are far more special.

We know this couple in Tulsa who don't want children and the husband's parents adopted two girls from China. They're older, like 8 and 12 or something. So there ya go, these older people wanted to really make a good life for two orphaned children after their own kids grew up. I wish more people were like this and giving and not so goddamned obsessed with their extremely UNextraordinary DNA.

kirby Wrote:I'd swear my parents wrote that...

Not possible, it was mine.