We Kid You Not Childfree Forums

I made a long post about this 2 days ago, and the internet ate it.

So, I'm copying/cross-posting from another board (for chronic illness) and it pretty much tells the story...

I'm not split, but I'm on the verge.

When I met DH, we were happy and healthy and having fun being working and skiing in Vail, CO. We'd go hiking, camping, etc., and we both knew that we wanted to go back to school and get professional degrees after we were done "playing" in Vail.

So we moved back to Boulder, CO and he enrolled in some undergrad classes to make him eligible to apply to Pharmacy School. I applied to Law School.

The day after I was accepted, I got into a car accident - which was the beginning of my not-so-slow decline into chronic pain. (this was 10 years ago)

He didn't believe me - because he is the only child of two physicians - because the doctors said that my pain wasn't being caused by anything they could see. He, of course, pretended to believe me and be sympathetic, but it wasn't really there.

So I just did everything I could to handle it myself. I saw psychiatrists, pursued other diagnoses, and yes, went to school. Other than school and dr. appointments or PT appointments - I was basically down and out, on drugs, sleeping to escape the pain, etc. He just poured himself into school (he did get into Pharm school) and after big tests he's go get drunk.

Things were pretty bad, but we blamed it on external things - the accident, the stress of school - and decided to focus on our love for each other and make that the bright spot in our lives. So we got engaged, and then married.

We've been together for 12 years now. But it hasn't been happy or healthy for a significant part of the time. We've been in couples therapy for almost 4 years (two different therapists) and we just go in circles. I have learned a lot, but it hasn't made any real, lasting difference.

He has apologized for being a total jerk during the car accident years. He says that he now fully believes me about EVERYTHING. He admitted that, when we got married, he was worried that I was trying to "trap him" into taking care of me. (I pointed out that, if that was my motive, I sure as heck wouldn't have chosen him - the most selfish person on the planet!)

At this point, he is full of resentment and anger. He hates having to do "more than his share" and questions me when I say I can't do certain things. He can't deal with the depression, either. He says that, when I cry, he feels nothing. No sympathy, no empathy, nothing. He wants to, but he doesn't.

So, in January, he broke both of his legs in a skiing accident. I was secretly hoping that it would be a life changing experience that would finally make him understand where I was coming from. I took care of him as best as I could, and we had family staying with us for a few months.

He's on the mend now. I'm jealous because he got better and I never have. Worst of all, though, is that he still is resentful and unsympathetic. So, about two weeks ago, I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I have nothing left to give and I feel like I'd be better off in pain and alone than in pain with someone who emits a constant undercurrent of resentment. I feel like it's making me worse to be with him.

He freaked out, was devastated, bawling, couldn't eat, etc. He is trying really hard to convince me that he'll change, that it's different this time, and that he desperately doesn't want to lose me. He has been being suffocatingly nice and uber-considerate. All it is doing is making me really uncomfortable.

He's away for a few days, visiting with his parents. I'm so relieved for the space. We're supposed to be doing some hard thinking about what to do. I feel like I'm already done.

So, thanks for reading.
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Thanks for the replies. They bring me to tears.

A trial separation has crossed my mind, but my limitations interfere with the logistics of that. Basically, I can't care for the animals and myself in this house - but if I got a one level house with a fenced yard, I could do fine. There is the option of me leaving without the animals, but just the packing alone and the idea of a strange bed or having to move some furniture - is exhausting.

If I'm going to leave, I think I just want to do it once.

I think I've basically decided. I'm very upset about it, of course. Partly because I spent four years in marital therapy - feeling like garbage and crying my eyes out on a weekly basis (and suffering the attendant crying-induced-migraine, and day after headache fear) yet it never occurred to me that the problems weren't my FAULT. Or weren't due to my "problems."

The main grievance was the lack of sex. It was attributed to my pain, depression, and childhood trauma. I felt like a total failure. Nothing I tried worked.

A month ago, I made a new friend (a guy) and my sex drive reappeared suddenly. Out of nowhere, and strong. I realized that perhaps it's not because I'm damaged or sick. It's the person I'm with. I just can't believe that I couldn't or wouldn't allow myself to know this before now. It's devastating.

And now I have to break to the news to DH, our families, our friends, etc. And somehow keep working, and figure out what to do about... well, everything.

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Today's the day that I tell him.

He's been away, visiting his parents, who are staying in Vail for the week.

He's supposed to be using this time to think things over and realistically evaluate whether he truly wants to be in the relationship anymore. I think I am basically just hoping that he decides that it's over...but I don't think that's what's going to happen. He's going to try to recommit and promise to be good about everything (again). And I'm going to tell him no.

I'm done. Empty. Nothing left to give. It's over.

Wish me luck.

**********************************************************

I think he's upset because he doesn't want to split up - but it's an irrational desire for something that doesn't exist.

We talked, and he admitted that his biggest mistake was how he reacted to my first debilitating injury (the car accident, undiagnosed torn lumbar disc - which 2 years later, resulted in an anterior-posterior fusion of L4-L5). He was in school, and he basically chose school over me. But he felt too guilty to leave me in the condition I was in, so he stayed - but wasn't really *there* because he didn't believe me and made it clear that his studies came first and he would help when he could... but there was no core emotional support. He pretty much shut himself off.

So, I had to learn to take care of myself - and I shut off, too. But I think that his non-support damaged my own confidence about the extent of my condition and greatly contributed to me not getting help. I was walking around at a 10 (on the pain scale) and nobody gave a crap. Oh, I take that back, people were concerned about the amount of narcotics I was taking. They cared about THAT. And said I should quit smoking. But I didn't have the strength of self to demand answers and demand relief. Also, I was in no condition to help myself. I needed the person who was supposed to be my partner to say - hey, this amount of suffering is unacceptable, let me help you get help.

I did the same thing when we had intimacy problems. I blamed myself and doubted that I was "normal." In fact, I just didn't want to be intimate with someone who had been emotionally shut off from me for years. It wasn't just the pain, or the anti-depressants, or the BCPs. I went through a bunch of extra agony changing medications and enduring extremely upsetting therapy because I believed that I was damaged - possibly beyond repair. I never gave myself credit for being fine, but just not being in love with *him*.

And he has never been completely honest with me. He would tell me what I wanted to hear - even about things that were extremely important to me. When I would find out later that he didn't really feel that way, I would feel totally betrayed and confused, like "Who are you?" He violated my trust one too many times.

It is a little strange that he is so emotional now. But I just have nothing left. And I'm not convinced that his sorrow is the same as love. He is mourning the loss of the good things and the loss of the hope that it would have eventually gotten better. He is terrified of being alone - where as I am terrified of staying here and slowly suffocating in my own sense of betrayal, resentment, hurt and anger.

He is not recognizing that we have not been happy or intimate in any kind of meaningful way in probably 7 years. And we've been in therapy together for 4 years. We're not getting past this. There's been too much damage, and it killed whatever love we had in the first 2 years. He knows that, deep down. It's just too painful to admit it. I think he will come to accept it, though.

I have to do what I have to do. I have to get to a good place where I am supported and appreciated. If anyone is going to be in my life, they are going to have to fundamentally admire me for all that I do accomplish despite the pain - and not feel resentful because of everything I *can't* do. I am not the sum of what I can't do. I cannot live with someone who is obsessed with what I can't do. I'd rather be alone - but free from that mentality.

Well, enough novel. Thanks to anyone who is still reading this. Maybe it will help someone else realize things or appreciate what they have. Who knows.

That is just so sad. You've sought therapy in an admirable way; your decisions will obviously be based on deep thought and effort.

Man, that so totally stinks, but I'm glad that you are recovering your sense of self, and moving forward.

HH, I am so sorry about all this. :-(

As a person who is also in chronic pain, I can really relate to a LOT that you say about relationships.
Unfortunately, we need more emotional, financial and physical support than most people, and yet statistics say that we are least likely to actually receive it from our partner, especially if you are female.
The last statistic I remember was something that women have about 86% of their partners leave within a couple years of chronic pain onset.

For various reasons, I have a life where I identify primarily as single and have learned that agencies, partners and friends are not likely to help as you would expect.
You have to develop personal sufficiency and consider it a bonus if you do get support and assistance.
That said- I would not allow a person into my intimate life who was not completely supportive.

Sounds like you are on the road to facing a lot or reality.
Don't rush into another relationship too soon.

Hugs and Good luck!

That whole "In sickness and in health" part of the wedding vows is such a scam. When someone is suffering from chronic pain it really makes a spouse extremely impatient. Usually men have more trouble with it because they are the ones who want to put on their "Mr Fix-It" caps and just fix it for once and all and be done with all that unpleasantness. And when they can't do that they have serious problems dealing so they will detach.

A good friend of mine was in a terrible car accident some years ago and had to have spinal surgery, and since then she's basically in constant pain, suffers from daily migraines, and just doesn't do much of anything. Her doctors won't do a damn thing for her. And this has been going on for years. She's single and no man wants anything to do with all that, so she doesn't date at all.

I'm very sorry you're going through all this. The end of a marriage is like the death of an entity that you created together. So there's sadness and grieving, as with any death, and your husband is probably feeling grief more than a real desire to stay married. If he feels nothing at all when you cry, why would he want to prolong that? It sounds like you're ready and have already emotionally moved on, and now it's just a matter of getting it all sorted out. I know it's hard because I've been through it, but if it's what you want then you must get on with it.

Another friend of mine was very unhappy in her marriage, it had been coming for some time. She tried to talk to him about her issues and he ignored her, so when she finally turned that corner and made the final decision, she was gone, gone, gone. Her divorce went through in no time at all and she immediately took her name back and moved right the hell on with her life. When I saw her only a few months later, she looked so relieved, so relaxed and calm.

The pain will pass, and you will find in time you will enjoy your life again without someone around making you feel bad about things that are beyond your control. What got me through my divorce were the sayings: This, too, shall pass, and, What doesn't kill you will make you stronger. It just helped me through it all.

HH, I'm so sorry to hear about this, but I know this is not a hasty decision for you. I know you have been struggling for a while. I'm so sorry.

I think Anastasia is right about the grief. You all have memories that you've made together. Happy ones. It's the passing of those happy times and that closeness that you all are grieving.

Both of you are different people now, and who you are now is just not fitting. That's not anyone's fault. It's just life.

You know, when I met you a few years back, I had no idea you had the chronic pain issue. You must be a very strong person---I'm pretty sure you are.

I think you will be just fine, in time. Don't push your grief and pain down, though. Let it move through you and cleanse you.

(I hope you get to keep your animals.)

*big hugs* We are here for you!
Jen M.

HH,

I am sorry to hear about all you are going through. Living with chronic pain has got to be one of the toughest roads I have EVER walked...I have had severe arthritis for 8 years. A lot of the things you say about living with chronic pain ring so true in my own life.

There is so much I could write about parallels, emotions, lack of family support for both me and Dh, loss of friendships and how damn hard it is to function day to day with chronic pain and the up and downs that come with it but that would be a long and boring read

Just know there are people out there who are thinking of you, wish you the best life has to offer and hope that someday medical science will find an answer to help those of us living with chronic pain improve our day to day life.

In the meantime, trust your gut. If you know leaving is the best decision for your health hold your head high and do what is best for you at this time.

Please PM me if you ever need to talk...sometimes chatting with someone who understands can really help.

Big Gentle Hugs,

Jen

HH,



It's obvious that you've thought through this very thoroughly, and your conclusions all make good sense. While that doesn't necessarily make it any easier to go through at the time, you'll be able to look back and know you did the right thing should you ever find yourself wondering.
I've also been the one who was finished with a marriage while my ex swore up and down he'd change and wanted to keep going. Had I not already known in my heart and mind that it was over and I was done, I might have let him convince me to stick around and I'd have been miserable for a while longer. I'm glad that didn't happen, and I think with the passage of time, he is ok with how it went, too.

I hope you're able to resolve all the logistics quickly and that you'll be able to keep and care for your animals.

Thanks, guys. It's getting better - at least having told pretty much everyone now.

DH has gotten to a better place, too - he has moved on from sad puppy dog to practical person who wants things to go as smoothly as possible.

He is going to take the cats and I am going to take the dogs. I am very sad about losing the cats, but I don't think I can afford to care for them and doing their litterboxes is one of the harder things for me to do - painwise. I will have a fenced yard for the dogs, so that should be manageable. I just don't have the income (by myself, after paying for a house with a yard) to pay for their standard and potential additional vetrinary care. Also, they are too heavy for me to put into carriers and take to the vet. Finally, DH loves cats and has always had cats, and I think that they will be a source of comfort for him and he will take good care of them.

So, I'm hardcore house-hunting now - looking for a place that is all one level and that has a nice, big fenced yard for the doggies. It will be closer to work for a smaller commute, too.

This weekend, I'm going to temporarily move in with a friend from work (although she is more than a "work friend" because we were friends before we worked together at this job). I'll probably bring the dogs next week (so long as they get along with her sweet, 10 year old rottie) once I get kind of settled. I don't want to move too much stuff, but we are going to be putting our house on the market, and we need to de-clutter/get rid of any excess furniture, and the dogs need to not be there. So, I figure, clothes and other bits this weekend, truck and some furniture next weekend. Hopefully I'll be moving for real (into my "new" house) within 6 weeks.

And, I'm planning to spend time with my crush, who is going to help me move stuff and has been a huge source of support. Nothing has happened between us (yet) but I think it probably will because there is a strong attraction. So, I am officially a cougar, as I'm about to turn 35 and he is 23. For some reason, when someone is really intelligent, age doesn't get in the way so much. I'm not trying to have another "relationship" at this point, but I am just dying for connection and experiencing my sex drive again. So, I really can't resist, even though the timing is probably questionable.

HH, you do what you feel is right. If this guy can be a friend to get you "over the hump" and nothing more, that in and of itself will be good for you, I feel. Plus, you feel attended to--like someone is interested in you. That is good for you and will keep you strong as you go through this.

(I met Moody_Rants just as my whole world was falling apart last year, and I believe it made all the difference in how I got through it.)

I think you're doing great. Don't question yourself--just count your blessings and take one day at a time.

I'm so glad your DH is being cooperative and that you have already found new living arrangements. I'm also happy the animals will be staying "in the family," so to speak.

Good luck with everything! Please keep us posted.
Jen M.

(((HH))) I'm so sorry to hear you are going through all of this. Wow - so much all at once. Break up of your marriage, moving, it's a lot all together.

It sounds like you are keeping it together and doing all the right things. You are a very strong person and can get through this, no question. I'm glad your DH has moved to acceptance. That will make things so much easier for both of you.

Good luck with the move and with the new guy and all of it! Let us know if there's anything we can do for you.

Hugs.

Just a quick reply to say (((BIG HUGS))) and you know you have my utmost support through all of this. You really have been through the wringer, and you deserve to be happy... no... JOYOUS... and you deserve to be ecstatically happy, pain free and guilt free.

HH I am in total shock. I guess I have been spending too much time with Boots that I just totally lost track of some threads here.
I am so sorry to be late

Its obvious your mind is made up over this.
I am so sorry for you and your DH . Divorce is never easy on anyone.
I can't add anything more to what everyone else has said here.
other then the word "ditto" from me as well.
Of course you know I too suffer from chonic pain.
And I too have an inactive sex life.
But the way I see it is.
My hubby does not beat me
My hubby is not hooked on drugs
My hubby provides a roof over my head
& food for me & Boots
My hubby has never cheated on me.
And my hubby is not a chonic gambler nor does he drink on a daily basis.
So with all of those negatives out of the way.
I can live with occassional sex. Its no big deal.
Granted it would be nice if it was more often.
But with his work schedule and my pain schedule. It's rare things
ever work out for US in that area.

BUT just FTR you know I UNDERSTAND what your going through.
If you need to vent or a shoulder to cry on feel free to PM me.
I was hoping after his ski accident and all the nursing you did for him
was going to help your situation out too.
I guess we were both wrong on that count.
I am so very sorry for you.
with the dogs in your new home.
And please keep us posted.

I just wanted to say you have a lot of support here(as you can tell already)

I've been out of town for awhile but just wanted to say how much I admire the way you are handling this. I know this is not an easy thing, but it sounds like you are doing all the right things. It would probably be good for you to find a different therapist if you want to work through some of the remaining issues. I think it's reprehensible that your therapist never once pointed out that this was not your fault.

Post as much as you need to. We're here for you!

Just wanted to give an update...

The dogs and I moved out on Sunday. That was hard, and I'm glad it's over, even though I'm not completely moved (I didn't move ALL of my stuff, and I didn't move any furniture). All the doggies are getting along pretty well, so far. They are still working out the pecking order, though. Tally was SO happy to have a yard to run in. She ran in circles and leapt in the air like a deer. It was wonderful to see.

There is a couple interested in buying our house. They are going to look at it today. They just lost a bidding war for a house that isn't as nice as ours - about 2 streets over. Ours is more expensive, but it has a killer 180 degree view of the Continental Divide - so it is unique in that way. Even our highest asking price is within their price range, so I'm really hoping this works out. We haven't even listed the property yet - this is just a word-of-mouth among the neighborhood realtors. I'm hoping that we get a decent offer and can go with that.

I'm looking at houses again tonight after work. I've narrowed down the neighborhood/town that I want, so maybe I'll come to a decision soon.

I am having fun with my 23-year-old friend.
(can't find the blushing smiley anymore)

Also, I haven't gotten my wireless internet working yet, so I can't post from home. That's why I've been neglecting y'all. Hopefully I'll get it hooked back up by the end of the week.

ETA: I am still sad - crying about every other day, which is better than every day and should continue to improve.

Thanks for the update HH
I know this is not going to be easy for you.
But this is the choice you made for yourself.
So I hope you are happy with it. I hope your home sells and I am glad your dogs are getting along in their new surroundings.
The tears will end sooner or later. But for now, your mind is made up. And this is what YOU think is best so good luck.

I'm glad things are getting set in motion, HH. Fingers crossed on the house! (Both the one you are selling and the one you want to buy.)

Crying is good. It's good you are not holding anything in or hiding things.

...And keep having fun with your new friend. That's good for you, too!



Jen M.