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Dear Abby by Abigail Van Buren
6/4/08

YOUNG MOTHER FEELS THE URGE TO TAKE BREAK FROM PARENTING

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 20-year-old single mom of a 17-month-old son. I love my baby dearly, but lately I feel I'm missing out on life. I feel like I need to go out on my own and find myself.
Before I got pregnant I had plans to go to college, work abroad and experience life. My mom says if I do it, I would be running away, that I can't take a break from being a mom, even for a little while, and come back and be a mom again. I know being a parent means all or nothing, but I'm still just a kid myself.

If I did leave, I'd go somewhere and use that time effectively. I have thought about going to school in Colorado where I could experience something different and give myself a shot at a better career. Would it be running away and leaving my baby if I did that? -- YOUNG AND RESTLESS IN IDAHO

DEAR YOUNG AND RESTLESS: Your mother is right. You are responsible for the welfare and emotional development of your baby. While this does not mean you can't have some social life, please recognize that your son needs consistency. He should not be left for an extended period of time. Take the college courses, but take them locally. Foreign travel to "find yourself" will have to wait because leaving your son now could cause lifelong repercussions.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

Boy, guess she should have thought about that before she chose to have a kid! Bed.Made.Lie.

ITA, Nadleeh. Although Abby's answer was a good one, I wish she had said, "You should have thought of that before you got pregnant!"

When you're a parent your priority needs to be raising your children. That doesn't mean you can't have a social life, better yourself, go to school or get a career but you have to think about the baby you chose to create and bring into this world.

If you had such big plans you shouldn't have gotten pregnant so young.

I don't know... I have more compassion towards young people getting preggers, because I, too, was a religious wingnut when I was 17, and I would not have been able to have an abortion at that time in my life. Which means, god forbid, if I was raped, made an error in judgment, etc., I would be saddled for life.

I have always maintained that if I change my mind about getting my tubes tied, no one would be hurt but me. But if you change your mind about going through with a pregnancy, you AND the kid are fucked.

I feel for people who are parents who don't want to be parents. I do. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. It sucks even worse to be the unwanted kid or a mistake or guilt baby.

If I were giving advice, I would say give the kid up for adoption. If you don't want to be a mother, you don't want to be a mother. You are not a bad person. But don't sentence the kid to a lifetime of being unwanted just because you changed your mind.

You have a point, Jo. Abby should have suggested adoption as an option. I had not thought of that, but for this girl it probably makes sense, and the kid is young enough that he/she might adjust.

Jo Wrote:If I were giving advice, I would say give the kid up for adoption. If you don't want to be a mother, you don't want to be a mother. You are not a bad person. But don't sentence the kid to a lifetime of being unwanted just because you changed your mind.

I agree. This was posted to the CF community on LJ, and the general consensus was that she should give the kid up for adoption.

It really bothers me that adoption is always shoved under the rug, both in cases of people who don't want their kids and people who can't have biological children.