We Kid You Not Childfree Forums

Beware! Another wife who feels she must accommodate everyone!


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Dear Margo: My husband, "Rick," dislikes his family, and I can understand why; they are not particularly likeable. They seem to like him, however, because despite his not wanting anything to do with them (he will not return phone calls, etc.), they still call fairly regularly, send Christmas gifts and visit annually. The problem is, my husband refuses to deal with them and I get stuck. I am always the one who answers the phone, so I take their calls, talk for a while and then make excuses for my husband. (He's not here, he's in the shower, etc.) The biggest pain for me is when they come to visit. I cook, shop and clean — all without any help from them or my husband. He simply refuses to help.

Well, they're coming again, and this time I collared my husband and told him he either needs to step up and deal with them, or write, explaining his reasons for not wanting to be in contact. He told me it's my problem — that I am "encouraging them" — and he plans to continue ignoring them. He thinks eventually they will get the hint. No, they won't. However, I don't feel it's my place to tell them to take a hike. — Distressed and Frustrated

Dear Dis: This is quite a crazy situation. "Rick" could easily be the poster boy for passive-aggressive behavior, and I don't know what I would call his emotionally tone deaf parents. You are enabling this weird family dynamic, however, so I suggest you take your husband's suggestion, uncomfortable though it may be. Write your in-laws (do not phone; tough talk is best written), and say that things have been phony for too long and you wish their son would deal with this, but he won't, so it is your sad duty to lay the cards on the table and state that he wishes no further contact with them. Should they be as impervious as you say and show up anyway, I would not lift a finger. Ten years of this farce is long enough. Actually, it's too long. — Margo, reluctantly

I am very surprised that Rick's family would bother to call and come to see him. It should be obvious to his family members that he does not want anything to do with them.

This is something I can relate to myself. My oldest brother will not have anything to do with any of us. It's been that way for a good many years. My sister still tries to get good with him, but me and my other brother have given up on him.

Like Margo says, some people are oblivious. Also, Rick says nothing and his wussy wife covers for him. No wonder they don't know how he feels.

I kinda feel bad for his family, too. All those years of being lead on.

If I were the wife, I'd just leave for the few days they are there and let Rick deal with them. I do like Margo's response. The wife should lay it on the line for the parents and tell them the truth.

I agree with Tommy; why would the parents even want to visit, knowing that Rick wants nothing to do with them.

IMO both Rick and his wife need to grow a pair.

NK, that is exactly what I would do if I were the wife! I can't believe that guy. What an ass.

Husband sounds like a dick. I'd tell the family what's up and then I'd leave while they visited so he would have to deal with them.

My old roommate is oblivious with a capital O. She lived here for over two years, over one of which we DID NOT SPEAK!!! When she moved out, she said it was because she wanted to be closer to her ailing mother. She recently told my sister that she'd like to come out and see my new place.

What part of WE LIVED TOGETHER AND DIDN'T SPEAK didn't you get? What part of THIS FRIENDSHIP IS OVER doesn't she get? I think some people need to be hit over the head with a clue-by-four because actions aren't enough, they need words.

I agree with Margo in her advice. That woman who wrote in was totally enabling and even though her passive aggressive husband SHOULD have spoken up, you would THINK actions would speak louder than words, but sometimes they don't.