Uggg! So more bad/annoying news. It turns out that we will be watching the nieces and nephew for 6 days, instead of the 2 that we thought we were going to have them.
Apparently DH's parents had 'penciled' us in for EVERY Friday and Saturday that the kids' parents will be out of town...and didn't mention it to us until yesterday....and they leave this Friday. DH isn't happy to learn this either, but feels that at this point we can't really back out since it is too late for anyone to make other arrangements.
So DH & I have had a discussion about this continuing problem and I told him that I will not agree to watch the kids again until we have a discussion with their parents (DH's brother & his wife). I told him that I feel taken advantage of, because we watch the kids ever couple of months (usually for several hours, if not a couple of days) and their parents are ALWAYS 2 or 3 hours late picking them up. They have not once thanked us for watching the kids. We have to trade cars with them, because all 3 kids are in carseats, then they return our car without refilling the gas tank. We have watched their dog while they were out of town, and kept him for a full year when they lived somewhere where they couldn't have pets. But everytime we asked them to watch our dog, they act like we are putting them out.
I told DH that they take us for granted and are taking advantage of us. He thinks that we are just helping them out because that is what families do. But I think that helping someone out is taking the kids for an afternoon when they need a break, or taking turns taking off work when their mom was hospitalized (because she was severely depressed from being at home with 3 sick kids and didn't get any sleep for almost 4 full days). Taking off work and watching the kids while their parents go on a 19 day vacation is not 'helping out', it is 'enabling'.
I let DH know that I am willing to watch the kids this time because I love him and he wants to help them out, but that this is the last time that I am doing it until we talk to his brother and establish some ground rules. And the first rule will be, if the parents are more than 15 minutes late picking up their kids I will start giving the kids Red Bull until the parents finally show up.
I like the Red Bull idea. I think there are two things you can do here. One: make the kids conform to your house rules no matter what. Just say, "We have some new greound rules." Enforce them. No negotiating. Second, stick to your guns about the talk with the parents. Set a date for it, insist on it, and refuse to take the kids for even an hour unless and until you have it AND they agree to your terms. Otherwise, you're done. And if your DH has them over without your agreement, leave until you can be sure they have left. Maybe have a small bag packed just in case you have to grab it and run. Unless and until they all know you mean business, nothing will change.
I like the idea of escalating consequences, but red bull is just a bad idea... if the parents are late then you end up having to look after hyperactive children and the kids might be passed out by the time the parents arrive.
You could start charging them babysitting fees after the prearranged time. $10 an hour, and you won't look after the kids again until they pay you from the previous time. In our society value is linked to money, and this would hopefully hit home about the value of the effort that you are making.
It's funny how one word means so much - if the parents just said "Thanks" and meant it honestly then you probably wouldn't have this problem! I know it's more than just a word because the parents are ungrateful bastards both in words and with their actions, and it will take more than words on their part to make things better in future.
I just wanted to add, because I feel so strongly about it, you are CF because you don't enjoy having kids in your lives. You aren't CF so that you can take care of other people's kids. You may enjoy them for brief periods, but not enough to have them beyond that. Did your husband forget that you are CF and WHY you are CF? This is on him. Make him step up and do the main portion of the caretaking this time, and I bet you will have few, if any, disagreements again.
What a nightmare. Especially since they are all so small - if they were bigger at least you could do fun things with them... this is brutal.
Who leaves their kids for 19 days? I've never heard of anyone doing that. Especially parents of SMALL children. That's just nuts. And people call us selfish? I don't think so!
Helping out is one thing - and I would usually advocate for helping out to keep the peace, but this is really extreme. To be stuck babysitting for three weekends in the summer is nuts. Don't you have your own plans that interfere? Maybe the best solution is to always have plans - "um, sorry, but we have tickets to xyz that weekend!"
Eslbee - DH doesn't really enjoy having the kids (at least not for such long periods of time) and he's frustrated with the situation too. However, he's accommodating almost to a fault. Although in this instance, he did not realize that we were signing up for so many days with the kids. He though we were only going to have them for two days (not six). Also, DH is going to have the kids by himself for 4 of those days, and the other two day we'll have them together. He knows that I don't want to have them and he's being very appreciative (if only his brother were the same way).
Ziggy - I'll just wait and give them the Red Bull until I see the parents pull up the in the driveway. It always takes them a while to get everything together to leave, so I'll have plenty of time to get the kids hyped up.
Cats - We actually do have tickets...to go on our own vacation...the Saturday after we have the kids for two days (one day of which we're taking leave from work). DH's parents are using almost all of their vacation time to watch the kids, which I think is insane to use vacation time to watch the kids of someone else so they can go on vacation...especially for free.
Oh and speaking of being selfish, did I mention that their vacation is to China, to go to a wedding reception of a friend who has already been married for 6 months?
His parents aren't even retired?! This is lunacy.
Whatever happened to family vacations? If they want to trek off to China they shouldn't have had three kids, otherwise they should figure out how to take the kids with them or wait until they are older.
Too bad your vacation doesn't interfere with the schedule.
I can't imagine why this would not be the absolute last time DH allows this to happen. As I said, make the kids toe the line and they'll beg their parents never to leave them again.
(07-27-2010 12:08 PM)catsnotkids Wrote: [ -> ]Too bad your vacation doesn't interfere with the schedule.
There is some overlap on the vacation, but that isn't affecting the kids' parents...it is only affecting DH's parents (who will have the kids for the three days that we will both be gone). And my cousin, who is watching our furry kids while we are gone, has agreed to keep DH's brother's dog for a few days too. Although, I still think that we should just board him and make DH's brother pay to pick him up when they get back in town.
Ugh. Seems like you and DH need to first decide how much you both are willing to help, and then don't compromise when you tell the parents what you are able to do.
Maybe your DH is right-families should help each other. So what are they doing to help you in return? If they don't reciprocate, then it becomes far too one-sided.
(07-27-2010 09:41 PM)Koi Wrote: [ -> ]Maybe your DH is right-families should help each other. So what are they doing to help you in return? If they don't reciprocate, then it becomes far too one-sided.
We had a talk about this yesterday and he agrees that his brother (and his brother's wife) are not very appreciative, and are often down right inconsiderate when it comes to us watching the kids or us asking for favors (not that
that happens very often). And while it doesn't bother him that much (its a minor inconvenience that he doesn't mind putting up with), he realizes that it bothers me a lot. And he's uncomfortable bringing it up with them, because he doesn't want to create conflict. So we agreed that I can say something to them and he'll back me up (because I have no problem talking about it, but it is awkward since it is his family). So I think it will all work out in the end, we just need to set some boundaries.
Like, "You keep your kids over there, in Siberia, and we'll keep our dogs over here, in Key West." Not sure it's an appreciation issue. Isn't it more like, you don't want to be saddled with anybody's kids? Isn't that why you don't have any? It's not about being saddled and thanked, it's about not getting stuck with the whole mess in the first place.
(07-28-2010 11:54 PM)eslbee Wrote: [ -> ]Like, "You keep your kids over there, in Siberia, and we'll keep our dogs over here, in Key West." Not sure it's an appreciation issue. Isn't it more like, you don't want to be saddled with anybody's kids? Isn't that why you don't have any? It's not about being saddled and thanked, it's about not getting stuck with the whole mess in the first place.
I actually enjoy having them over for short periods of time...when I can plan an activity and keep us busy for a few hours (I'm a children's librarian, so I'm pretty good at coming up with stuff). What really bothers me about the arrangement is that the parents seem very ungrateful. We never really know how long we are going to be watching the kids, because they NEVER show up to pick them up when they are suppose to. And this seems to cause anxiety with the kids too, because they want to know when mom is going to come pick them up and we have no idea. So when the kids become anxious they get whiney, then I get annoyed and then no one is enjoying themselves. Or we swap cars (since all the kids are in car seats) and they don't refill our gas tank when they return our car. Or we watch their dog while they are on vacation, but they don't want to watch our dog when we go on our vacation. Or they agree to watch him, but keep him outside the entire time (he's an indoor dog and being stuck outside for a week or two with little interaction with people causes him to have separation anxiety).
My problem isn't with the kids, it is with their parents. I don't mind watching the kids, and they can be fun for a few hours at a time; however we always seem to have them for much longer than that and then it becomes work.
Yeah, but is a couple of hours of enjoyment worth all the crap? Since your job puts you in contact with children on your terms, it just seems like you're suffering a lot more than it's worth. Like you said, what do they ever do for you? There's no parity here.
And on another note, how is it "conflict" if your husband confronts them for their rotten attitude and bad manners, but not if you do?
So the parents have been gone for 10 days now (we've had the kids for about half of that time) and they haven't called to talk to or check up on the kids....not even once. I know that international calls are expensive, but when we when to Europe I bought a phone card and called my parents every day to check up on our furry kids. It doesn't seem to bother the kids much, which is good (I guess). But who goes on a 19 day vacation, leaving their 3 young children (all under the age of 7), and doesn't call them one single time while they are gone. Does anyone else think that is strange?
Sounds like they don't give a rats ass about their kids. But based on what you've told us about them, it does not seem out of character.
Any chance they are not actually going to a destination wedding but are instead using the time to buy new documents and start new lives elsewhere without the kids?
May I reiterate what I said in the last thread... Why not be honest with the parents? I really don't get NOT being honest.
Anyhow...
re: Red Bull... my sister and I recently were talking to our mom, who admitted to, on occasion, giving us Actifed cough syrup when we were kids to knock us out so she could get some down-time. I wasn't upset about this, but my sister was FURIOUS and said drugging kids is not the answer. She has childhood memories of hating actifed and HATING feeling woozy like that. She does have a point. It is drugging the children. You can call it what you want and make every excuse in the book, but it's drugging the kids and you have to accept that if you are going to do it, there might be consequences to that action, and further to that, it might just be the *wrong* thing to do, morally.
Red Bull is decidedly a drug. Caffeine is a drug. I would tread lightly on that one, personally.
I would be upfront, too, Jo. All you have to say is, "No, we have other plans." Repeat as necessary.
And now they can say, "No, the stress of having them here make our cat sick."
And finally, "No, we're CF for a reason. And I work with children, so that's enough. My time off is private, sacrosanct, off-limits. I use it to recover and prepare for my next work week."