So I've been married for a an entire 21 days and already we've had our first fight.
The topic? Holidays.
We're already having a problem figuring out what to do for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Last Thanksgiving we went to his parents in Wasilla, Alaska. It was the first time I'd met the entire family(mom, dad, sis, bro). It was fine, but not something I want to do on a regular basis.
For 1 it's in Wasilla which is synonymous with BORING.
For 2 his family are weirdly religious and won't eat ham. I LOVE ham, especially on Thanksgiving. My family used to eat more ham than turkey on Thanksgiving.
For 3, I'm not a total fan of his family. His parents are nice people, but his siblings...I'll just say...they aren't my type of people. And I don't seem to be their type of person either. Which is fine I guess. I didn't marry them, I married their brother.
For Christmas we went to Seward, Alaska where his sister lives for FOUR F-ING days! It rained and I was miserable for 3 and a half of those days. Same issues with the family, food and being in BORINGville with the addition of it being FOUR days. Not to mention his brother didn't give us a Christmas gift(or a wedding gift but that is another thread).
I know it's July and we're on our honeymoon, but we saw some holiday ornaments in a store today so that brought up the topic.
What do you all do for holidays? Your family? spouses family? on your own? don't celebrate?... Are you happy with the set up?
ps:
Seeing my family is difficult and not really an option as they are at a minimum a $1400 plane ticket away for the both of us.
We celebrate the Christmas holidays on our own here in Florida. No family comes here and we don't go there. When our mothers were living, they frequently came down for Christmas and stayed with us. Flying north in the winter is silly, and they didn't have room for us, but we did have room for them. My mom always brought her dog, too. Then the last couple of years, she moved down here. Thanksgiving is too tough to travel, and besides we don't want to. We stay here and do turkey and football.
It was never an issue. We agreed we wouldn't travel over the holidays because it's problematic, and others can like it or not. And now we deliberately do not live within driving distance of family.
I don't know if this would be any help, but here it goes. Being single, I have spent the holidays alone. I get very depressed at that time. Just once would love to spend a holiday with a S/O's family, even if they are disfunctional. So many people tell me that spending the holidays with family (especially their S/O's family) is not that great. I suppose, but it's no comfort to me just to hear that. Of course, it would be very difficult if there are people that would say something offensive.
I feel like if you have and love someone, especially if you waited a long time and gone through a lot of time in hell waiting for someone, then (to me) I would be able to endure being with their family. It's sounds like just a short time. At least be thankful that they don't live near you.
One time I had Thanksgiving dinner with Susan's family. It was fair. Her mother did all of the talking. She talked of politics that I didn't agree with, but I just nodded along with it. Her father and brother hardly had anything to say. Her brother sat at the table with us because of me; he never sits and eats with his parents and Susan. I'd rather have Susan at my place and cooked the meal myself.
I could go to my sister's for the holidays, but you all know how I feel about that. I would be afraid to bring my S/O there because my sister's husband would say something offensive. And I get the feeling the kind of woman I'd be with (if it ever happens) would stand up to him. Also the others in my sister's family may ruin things, too.
Well anyways, I don't know if I was of some help. I'm happy for you that you found someone because I remembered that there were times when you were frustrated of not having someone. Yet at the same time I hate you for what has happened for you (JUST KIDDING!).
Holidays always mean DH's family, since I don't really have any family. Some of his family lives here near us, and some of them live in Phoenix, and the rest are all over the country. Sometimes we just hang out at his dad's house here for one evening, which is problematic for me due the smoking and the fact that his sister hates me. Other times he can't get out of going to Phoenix, which is also hard because his mother hates me, so I almost never go. One year he went without me and I ended up just staying home alone. None of those options are good, if I had my choice he and I would just go away on a little trip together for xmas, and just stay home alone for Thanksgiving. But he feels obligated to spend time with his family and I suffer for it in some way each and every year.
Anastasia, I know we've discussed family before, but remind me: Does your husband actually like and get along with his family? Just curious.
Life is too short to spend time with people you dislike.
Put your foot down now!
(07-24-2010 05:04 PM)eslbee Wrote: [ -> ]Anastasia, I know we've discussed family before, but remind me: Does your husband actually like and get along with his family? Just curious.
His family is huge and he likes them in varying degrees. He loves his dad the most and really enjoys any time spent with him. Luckily, I like his dad a lot, too, and dad lives nearby. But there are other people there when we see dad, too, and not all of them are fantastic.
He feels obligated to visit his mother, he says he feels sorry for her and just does it, even though he'd rather not. But near his mother is one of his brothers, and he really likes that brother and the brother's family.
It's very complicated. There's a step-mother who raised him, too. He doesn't like her very much, but totally puts up with her whenever she happens to show up. But her husband hates me outwardly and openly (I have no idea why), and it makes it very tense whenever we see them.
This has no easy answer because he has one dad, one mom, two step-moms, 7 siblings, 3 step-siblings, 17 nieces and nephews--and all living in various places. Some are likable, some are not, and there's no way to avoid an unlikable person without avoiding a likable one. If that makes sense.
Oh, yeah, now I remember! Do you spend a lot of time biting your tongue? Humming with your fingers in your ears?
It sounds like the best thing in that situation is to visit individually, not in groups.
Thanks for the replies. It's really interesting reading about various family dynamics. We decided to table the issue until the end of our honeymoon and then come up with a plan that will probably involve counseling.
We've(of I've) had some issues with his family in the past. He actually wants to see them on a weekly basis in addition to holidays. Wasilla is only 45 minutes away and Seward is about 90. By Alaska standards these places are very close. Also his family comes to Anchorage at least once a month.
I'm fine seeing his parents once a month. I'm not fine seeing his siblings. I'm also not fine with every holiday for the rest of my life being ruined imho.
I made a dumb assumption that after the wedding we would start our own holiday traditions. it's like I've walked into a trap I set myself. I forsee a lot of screaming and yelling in the near future. *sigh*
Oh well things will work out. They always do.
Lindsay, how about some compromises? Sometimes you go together, sometimes he goes alone. Sometimes you go to a holiday get-together, sometimes you stay home, or you both travel elsewhere. Like, you know, one Thanksgiving with them, the next without. It can't be all one way; Cassia is right. The damn thing will take on a life of its own if you don't rein it in.
Also, if members of his family are rude you you, it's on George to set them straight immediately. If he doesn't, you can excuse yourself every time any of them offends you. Queen's X. Get out of jail free.
And there's always the separate cars (or other travel) solution. You can leave whenever you want; he can stay.
My suggestions, for what they are worth! -- I say stick with your guns on starting your own holiday traditions. This can mean compromising a little. For example, why not invite his parents (who you don't mind) AND ONLY HIS PARENTS for Thanksgiving at your place? And for Christmas, INSIST on have your private Christmas Eve and Christmas morning traditions, while bowing to, perhaps, a Christmas day supper with the in-laws. And since these places are "close", you could also insist that any holiday get-togethers be day-trips only (no overnights), which will lessen the strain.
It's very important that he understand that you want -- and fully intend! -- to bring in PARTS of your own holiday traditions, and that you understand he intends to bring in PARTS of his, so that the two of you together can make a beautiful whole. But the part that has to be worked on is his understanding that the tradition neither of you can bring in is spending all of the holidays at some other home. At least some part of it should be spent in your own home, building your own FAMILY tradition.
I was fortunate that my DH's family are fun and interesting, and that he wanted very much to continue his old traditions, and that I didn't mind one bit. At first it was awkward, because there are just so many of them, so I would hide in the bedroom at times when it became unbearable to be around so many people. But as I formed my own relationships with them, I was able to come out of my shell and enjoy them more.
It's good that you are consciously dealing with this holiday issue before you are forced to. DH's family is across the country so we don't usually spend holidays with them. My dad & his wife are 300 miles south so we spend holidays with them, but often they spend holidays with one or both of her daughters instead and that's OK with everyone concerned(me & DH don't have a relationship with her daughters). I think both our families don't have huge emotional baggage around holidays which helps. However, dad's wife(well, technically she is my step-mom, but they married when I was an adult so it seems less of a mom-like relationship) is from New England originally and is more tradition-minded and for holiday meals she has ideas of what we have to eat, and after all these years she keeps asking what DH can eat(he's vegan). The food issue has been annoying but we have evolved into taking it with more humor at this point.
I am in more of the camp of spending time with the family to maintain peace, but have some sort of 'escape hatch' like others have mentioned above. I guess I'm lucky that my in-laws are great and even spent time with them on my own last year when DH's back problem prevented him from sitting on a plane for long. I met my brother-in-law's girlfriend for the first time on that trip and liked her for the most part, however, she is from New Jersey and drives aggressively and is obnoxious behind the wheel. A drive with her tested my cool, that's for sure.
The bottom line is that when you get married you need to deal with the families on both sides while maintaining the integrity of your couple relationship. It's about open communication and compromise without feeling compromised, if you know what I mean. That's the delicate balance required.
You have to find something that will make you happy. When DH and I moved to Texas, holidays became a nightmare, a sort of traveling dune67 and Mr. dune67 road show in which we attempted to appease all sides of the family by dividing our time as evenly as we could and ensuring we also had time to spend with the friends we wanted to see when we returned home. After lots of "Why aren't you spending more time with us?" and "Why do you always stay at X relative's house?" topped off with a terrible summer trip in which we and our dogs stayed with no fewer than three different hosts, we finally remembered the moral of the old story about the man, the boy, and the donkey: please all and you will please none.
We now NEVER go home during the holidays. We will go home before or after, but not during. That way, we can spend time without that extra cultural pressure. We always stay at a hotel so we have our own private space to retreat. We make up our itinerary so that we can divide our time as we choose, and we always plan at least one afternoon for just the two of us. On the holidays, we've made our own traditions here. It is much easier.
BTW, I know you probably didn't mean it to come across that way, but I was a bit taken aback by the "weirdly religious" statement. Those of us who don't eat pork as part of our religious tradition are not any weirder than anyone else who follows rules due to faith or ethical considerations.
Dune, I was wondering about the religious aspect of not eating pork, and meant to ask Lindsay if her husband's family is either Jewish or Muslim. I am not aware of other religions with restrictions on pork, but I'm sure there could be some. And as long as it's not an offense to them to have pork in the house, or to be in the presence of others eating pork, Lindsay and George could make a pork/ham dish and bring it so they would have what they like, and offer it to others as well.
Great responses so far. Compromise is definitely the name of the game.
When you say that you didn't marry the family - well, in a way you did. In-laws are a factor. Wait until they get older and start needing care...
J and I are lucky that both of our families are close. At the holidays we do our best to see both or one for Christmas and one for Thanksgiving. We're flexible on the actual date - we may celebrate Christmas on 12/26 with one and on the actual day for another.
That said, both of our parents are elderly and we make considerable sacrifices for one another's families. Just one example - when J's dad was in the hospital I took a day from work and brought his mom to the hospital and helped arrange his trip home. They are, in a way, my family now, too. There will undoubtedly be many more times when he will be inconvenienced for my family and I for his. I don't plan to shy away from hospital visits and even caretaking. J's family is important to him - he's important to me, so by extension THEY are important to me.
I agree that if you have "issues" with his family, it's best just to avoid them however, I know this is not always possible and would suggest some heavy drugs or lots of alcohol to combat the problem.
JUST KIDDING!
Family matters can be such a contentious issue. How about you alternate; one year you go there, the next year you spend alone or Thanksgiving with his family, Christmas alone, etc...
There is always a way to work it out
(07-26-2010 12:26 AM)eslbee Wrote: [ -> ]Dune, I was wondering about the religious aspect of not eating pork, and meant to ask Lindsay if her husband's family is either Jewish or Muslim. I am not aware of other religions with restrictions on pork, but I'm sure there could be some. And as long as it's not an offense to them to have pork in the house, or to be in the presence of others eating pork, Lindsay and George could make a pork/ham dish and bring it so they would have what they like, and offer it to others as well.
Interesting approach. If it isn't offensive to them, this is a good way. If they don't want pig meat in the house I would drop it completely - IMO not that big of a sacrifice to not eat pigs one day or two days out of the year if it means some peace with your in-laws.
It might just be a cultural issue. I know many people who think Thanksgiving is TURKEY ONLY, and that's probably the only time of the year they eat turkey at all! Around here, turkey AND ham are served for big groups, and I agree that (at least for us!), ham is a big part of the holiday picture.
But yes, if they have religious restrictions, best to cooperate, and have your ham at home.
It varies here - when we were in the US we traded off. My family will never make the effort to visit me, which always pissed me off. We traded on and off though - first year spent Christmas with mine, then his, then mine, then his. We almost always did the traveling, except the last with his. I'm fine with his - in the recent 2 years he's cut off his mom so I'm happy, and I hope our return to the US this year will not mean seeing her. I like this father and stepmom a lot. I'm fine with my family; he loves being with my family.
Since moving to England we spend all holidays alone; fine by me honestly. I hate traveling during such a crazy time, where the weather could mean spending time stranded in an airport.
As for Thanksgiving, DH had worked 5 out of 8 of them, so there's no opportunity for family times there. I get used to it and could really care less. Before I got married I worked all holidays but Christmas; most of them are just regular days now that mean nothing to me. Xmas is just an excuse to be lazy and eat a lot.
When Hubby & I were first married we did the trade off thing.
One holiday was for his family and one for my family.
Of course being Jewish I had to make sure I was around for Hanukkah for my mother.
Xmas eve was usually spent with just Hubby & I
And Xmas Day was spent with MIL and all the
Nieces & Nephews.
Thanksgiving use to be with my SIL and her family as SIL use to do all the cooking and she loved doing it. But trust me many a meal was not to my liking. She would serve Ham with Turkey. But the ham was never to my liking
( too Salty) and the Turkey was very dry. So I choked down many a sad meal in my time. But I did it for the love of my hubby.
But, for us now, in 2010 all the kids are grown and have family's of their own. We don't see anyone on the holidays anymore. No one cooks any more. And
basically. the holidays are for Me & DH to be all alone. To do with what we want please, TG
But we worked very hard over the course of 25 years to get to that blissful moment of Freedom from family obligations.
Anyway my point is, in any marriage their is always compromise
And your new hubby needs to understand that too.
So, one holiday you can have all to yourself, and one holiday you share with his parents.
Its all about give & take.
And if it seems that your doing all the giving and he is doing all the taking? Then you need to sit down and have a hubby/wife discussion about your boundaries
And what your real feelings are.
Whatever you do, Please do not let this fester and boil all summer long Lindsay. Please,
Get this topic out, talk about with him, be rational. And I am sure you two will come up with a good solution to your problems.
