Married . . . but without children
About 30 per cent of Australian women of child-bearing age say they don’t expect to have children, up from about 10 per cent in the early 1970s.
Despite this, two authors on the subject say childless couples still suffer from old-fashioned misunderstandings and stereotypes.
Mother-of-three Justine Davies wrote An Inconceivable Notion to help people cope with the realisation that they could never be biological parents, while husband-and-wife team Susan and David Moore wrote Child-Free Zone to defend their decision not to have children.
For her book, Davies spoke to many people struggling to accept their infertility. She said the impact of this could not be overstated.
“A lot of people really put their whole lives on hold for a number of years while they try to have kids,” she said. “They don’t book holidays, they don’t change jobs. When they realise it’s not going to work, there’s always a major reassessment of their lives and it often ends with a relationship breakdown.”
Davies said the awkward questions childless couples faced were no help. Most people she spoke to hated being pitied, hated being quizzed about the conception methods they had tried, and hated the conclusions people jumped to.
“Successful women said others often assumed they’d sacrificed children to focus on their career, but in reality they only focused so much on their career because the kid thing didn’t happen,” she said.
“All said they felt isolated and like failures. There is so much in the media and from the government about ‘working families’ and they feel completely left out.”
On the other end of the spectrum, David Moore said people not opting for parenthood faced different assumptions.
“People assume we hate kids, that we’re selfish, materialistic, career focused and don’t care about anything,” he said. “They’re the most common ones and the most inaccurate. Many of the people in our book work in childcare because they love kids, but they also like going home and sending them back to their parents.”
Moore said the reasons behind not having children were just as varied as the reasons to have them, including concern for the environment and greater good.
“Population growth is a problem. We’re on a finite little rock here and we can’t keep filling it with more people and expect there not to be problems,” he said. “You can actually live a great life without having children, and the people who chose not to (have children) need to know that they are not alone.”
For more information on An Inconceivable Notion visit
http://www.justinedavies.com. For more on Child-Free Zone visit
http://www.childfree.com.au.
Still shows a lot of people being concerned with what others think or say about them. I don't get that part.
Still shows that a lot of people can't mind their own business and have to worry about the decisions other people make. I don't get that part.
I find it really hard to know if I've made the right decision... how do you know for sure? Maybe I just need some more child-free friends or something. My friends are having babies right now, and it's just a weird time.
If you're happy with it, it's right. Nobody else except your husband gets any input. Simple.
(07-25-2010 01:51 PM)eslbee Wrote: [ -> ]If you're happy with it, it's right. Nobody else except your husband gets any input. Simple.
That's the problem, I don't think he knows. When we met, he said he wanted 2 children. Then when we were going to pre-marital counseling and we had to do a survey, there were a ton of questions about children... so, we said we weren't having any (that wasn't an option in the survey so we just picked random answers)... and everything was great. My mother always told me I could never have children. I am studying Forestry and Wildlife Conservation, and there was a unit on Human Overpopulation and it was shocking.
We were talking to a childfree woman the other day, and everything was great. And then when we got to the car he was a different person?!
In what way was he different? Haven't you had the conversation about children yet? If not, you need to. Even if you have had it, maybe you need to have it again and make sure you're both on the same page. When you're in a relationship, you must be in open communication all the time or it won't work. Questions Like "Why did you say this?" and "Why do you do that?" and "How do you feel about this at the moment?" are some of the many tools of marriage.
(07-25-2010 01:43 PM)paris04 Wrote: [ -> ]I find it really hard to know if I've made the right decision... how do you know for sure? Maybe I just need some more child-free friends or something. My friends are having babies right now, and it's just a weird time.
Personally, I don't know for sure that I have made the right decision. I understand the reasons why I made the decision and the pros and cons of the decision - and I try to make the best out of it. Sometimes, I really annoy myself because I would like to have all the pros of being childfree with the few pros (IMO) of having children. When this happens, I try to also think of the cons of having children (there's plenty IMO) vs the few cons of being childfree. It's a rational thing and it works, until the next time my heart questions the decision by thinking the grass is greener on the other side (it's not!).
My friends are also obsessed with babies right now and it's hard. I dropped a few people from my life because they were too over the top over kids and babies.
(07-25-2010 05:17 PM)Litchie Wrote: [ -> ] (07-25-2010 01:43 PM)paris04 Wrote: [ -> ]I find it really hard to know if I've made the right decision... how do you know for sure? Maybe I just need some more child-free friends or something. My friends are having babies right now, and it's just a weird time.
Personally, I don't know for sure that I have made the right decision. I understand the reasons why I made the decision and the pros and cons of the decision - and I try to make the best out of it. Sometimes, I really annoy myself because I would like to have all the pros of being childfree with the few pros (IMO) of having children. When this happens, I try to also think of the cons of having children (there's plenty IMO) vs the few cons of being childfree. It's a rational thing and it works, until the next time my heart questions the decision by thinking the grass is greener on the other side (it's not!).
My friends are also obsessed with babies right now and it's hard. I dropped a few people from my life because they were too over the top over kids and babies.
This is great advice.
Before we got married, he said that he'd be fine if we have kids and he'd be fine if we don't. But yeah, two of my really good friends are pregnant right now, and they do not live in the local area and I am happy for them. Actually, I'd be all for adopting an OLDER child. But having my own biological children, I don't think would be a good idea...
(07-25-2010 05:43 PM)paris04 Wrote: [ -> ]Actually, I'd be all for adopting an OLDER child. But having my own biological children, I don't think would be a good idea...
I kind of feel the same. If I could avoid being pregnant and getting them when they're older, I might be tempted. But then again, whenever I think about adopting, I think of the pros and cons and the cons outweigh the pros.
If anyone has to parent, adoption makes the most sense. However, you are still a parent for life and not just the Kodak moments. If you aren't sure, you need to do nothing until you ARE sure, or don't do it. Nothing worse for a kid than a resentful parent.
Being around a lot of people who are into the breeding phase is difficult unless you are the type of person who is impervious to peer pressure. I think we are very fortunate to have the Internet because it allows people from all over the world to come together as a support network for those who might not otherwise have role models or friends in their lives to help them see all sides of an issue. As someone who fell over the CF side of the fence because I was not strong enough to be sure of my own mind and choices at the time, I can tell you it was a disastrous time for me. If someplace like this had existed at that time, I don't think I would have gone down that path. Things worked out as they should have, and DH and I have done everything possible to ensure that we will never have children, but I would have been spared a great deal of physical and emotional pain if I'd been stronger myself and if I'd had some support for not having kids.
(07-25-2010 11:59 PM)dune67 Wrote: [ -> ]Being around a lot of people who are into the breeding phase is difficult unless you are the type of person who is impervious to peer pressure. I think we are very fortunate to have the Internet because it allows people from all over the world to come together as a support network for those who might not otherwise have role models or friends in their lives to help them see all sides of an issue. As someone who fell over the CF side of the fence because I was not strong enough to be sure of my own mind and choices at the time, I can tell you it was a disastrous time for me. If someplace like this had existed at that time, I don't think I would have gone down that path. Things worked out as they should have, and DH and I have done everything possible to ensure that we will never have children, but I would have been spared a great deal of physical and emotional pain if I'd been stronger myself and if I'd had some support for not having kids.
Thank you for this post. I've been through a rough patch in the past year, with all my friends having kids and moving on. Some don't mean to leave me behind, but they become so busy with their kids that they don't have time for anything else. I have friends who have one 4 y.o. and they are trying to have a second kid with no success. I often find myself hoping they won't be able to have a second kid and they'll just accept their life with just their one kid. The first 2 years of this kid's life were hard, but now we see each other again and the kid is well-behaved so all is good. I'm worried the second kid will ruin everything.
I'm relieved to read that the decision to be CF didn't come easy to everyone else but me. I have to admit I was wondering if it was normal to feel such emotional pain at making that decision.
Litchie, it's different for everyone. For me it was a no-brainer. Also, don't think of it as being "left behind." You will leave most of them behind whenever you do something new and interesting, and they can't. Having kids to be like others would have to be one of the all-time worst reasons.
I have a friend right now who has baby rabies and isn't married, not even dating anyone. She's 30 and absolutely desperate to start breeding, so much so that she isn't even worried about what kind of man she needs for it, just whatever guy who is relatively good looking and is willing to get married and breed as soon as possible.
Of course, we talk about my marriage, which is good, and my decision to be CF, which is great, etc. She tells me that all of her friends are married and pumping out babies now, but they all tell her that she shouldn't be so enthusiastic about it. The impression she gave me is that none of them are happy, their lives are over, they can't do one fun thing, every single second of every single day is about the kid, and they don't enjoy it at all. Which is amazing, because usually misery loves company and breeder friends usually go on about how great it is having no life whatsoever, but her friends are actually being truthful.
Unfortunately, she doesn't get the message and she's still absolutely desperate. Poor thing doesn't know what will hit her. If she settles on the first guy who's willing, chances are she'll end up a single mom after the children come and put the normal tremendous strain on the marriage, and she's a small business owner, just getting started, works a lot and she's becoming successful. Well, she can say goodbye to that when the breeding starts, she won't be able to do any of it. Her friends haven't left her behind, they're trapped in one spot under the heavy weight of diaper-wearing anchors. They can't go out, travel, or do anything remotely resembling living. It's just, "No, we can't do that, we have *CLANK* a baby."
For me, it was never even a decision to make. Since I was a little kid, I knew I would never breed. Children have always repulsed me, and I never wanted to destroy my life by having any. No one's opinion has ever mattered to me on any subject, so I've certainly never felt pressure from anyone to pump out kids against my will. Every day I see a screaming brat, which really is every day I step out of the house, I'm filled with glee that I'll never ruin my life like that. I *love* being CF!
Tell us, Anastasia, how do you really feel? Quit pulling punches. Be honest. We have no idea where you stand.
(07-26-2010 05:05 PM)eslbee Wrote: [ -> ]Tell us, Anastasia, how do you really feel? Quit pulling punches. Be honest. We have no idea where you stand.
Oh, Bee, you're so coy! I never know how you feel, either
I am truly amazed that your friend's parent friends are being honest. When I was in my wavering phase, NO ONE on the breeder wagon said anything about how hard it was, or if they did, they minimized it to the point that it was just a minor inconvenience in proportion to how amazing and complete their lives were now that DNA replicants had sprung forth from their wombs. The one friend who hinted at how it was at least physically difficult didn't realize all the repercussions until after she'd had kids for awhile. I think there's a lot of truth to that whole "baby lust" thing for some women, particularly if they get an easy baby who sleeps and eats regularly. But once they hit the mobility, talk/scream back, throw things stage, it's amazing how attitudes start to change.
I've yet to find any parents that admit they don't like parenthood. I wish I could find people who are so honest and comfortable with themselves.