We Kid You Not Childfree Forums

I've been hearing this for years from women.

On the one hand, they complain that their husbands don't do enough to help them with the kids or the housework and on the other hand, they complain that when they do help out, they are doing it all wrong.

Quote:Moms, your husbands are not complete idiots

Here's what you will never hear a dad say, " Oh I can't leave the kids alone with my wife, she doesn't know any of their schedules and who knows what type of mess I'll come home to." Once dad goes out the door he has enough faith in his wife that she will be able to keep the house and the kids in one piece until he gets back.

But moms do not seem to have the same amount of confidence in their spouses. In fact, they will almost gleefully point out that husbands can be like having another kid around the house. The big lovable dopes. Now here's the problem I have with this thinking. If dad can't be trusted to take care of the kids that means that my mom friend either has to cancel plans with me or she has to bring the kid along. And mimosa brunches are not that fun if everyone can't drink.

Moms: while I am sure that dad may not dress/feed the kids exactly as you would, so what? Is he really that much of an idiot? This exact question was answered by Ms. Magazine founder, Gloria Steinem. At a speech I attended, she mentioned that one of the top questions she would get is, How do I get my husband to help take care of the kids more? Her response was to actually allow him to do it. And not criticize the way he does it. I could tell this was not what the women in the audience were expecting. Why wasn't she talking about how irresponsible the men were? Instead, she told the moms they were partially to blame because they refused to stop thinking their way is the only way to take care of kids. Ms. Steinem pointed out that their husbands loved their kids and were smart enough to figure out how to get them dressed and fed. Maybe not perfectly but you know what they say about practice. The audience was somewhat outraged but couldn't really argue with the premise. After all, if we women want to claim that we're as smart as men, we can't really say men aren't as smart as we are. It's been years since that speech yet mothers haven't changed their way of thinking. M mom friends continue to protest (way too much) that their husbands won't do as good a job as they will. He won't prod the kids to do their homework correctly, he'll let them watch inappropriate TV, he'll feed them cereal for dinner. Once again, so what? You only learned to be a better parent with some practice. Let him learn. And ask yourself, is your need to be the Officially Best Parent, more important than having some free time away from the kids?

I think moms do know deep down that their husbands aren't idiots and won't let the kids leave the house with nothing but two mismatched shoes and a pair of swimming goggles. So what's with all the condescension? For moms who work outside the house, it's a way to assuage their guilt. Maybe they aren't with their kids like alpha stay at home moms, but at least they do a better job of taking care of the kids than their husbands. I discussed this topic with a working mom who explained that stay at home moms are especially likely to be sensitive about this topic. Because what if her husband is just as competent as she is at taking care of the kids? What's that say about her? He's got his big-ass important career. He has tangible proof-- the salary to support the family-- of his importance. So if he's able to figure out how to dress the kids then does that mean she's not as uniquely as important as she thought she was? Or, and here's the real deep secret, if he can figure out how to take care of the kids and have a success career, why can't she? So as long as dad never really gets the chance to take care of the kids, mom can safely say she's much better at it with no pesky proof to show her otherwise.

Moms, here's the big secret for you. No one, not your kids or your husband, is appreciating you more because you are always around. You're like running water. Extremely important, the family can't get along without it, but no one is grateful every time they turn on the faucet. You only come to appreciate it when a main water line bursts and you're without water for a while. So every once in a while burst a pipe-- just leave the house without planning for it like it's a space shuttle launch. Your kids will notice you more when you're suddenly not around (you know what the say about what absence does to the heart). And your husband will gain better parenting skills and more appreciation for how much you do. So let's go out to brunch. And if you still don't want leave your husband with the kids, who's the real idiot?

http://thebigbabydivide.blogspot.com/201...plete.html

I totally agree with this. Brava!

Yes, it has always bothered me that women want men to be more involved with childcare, but then they don't let them, because they don't do it "right". You can't have it both ways!

I've said for years that it is a conspiracy on the part of both men and women although they aren't working in conjunction. Men will "help" with the housework and do a horrible job just to make sure they never get recruited again because how would anyone know you can't wash white silk items with a bright red shirt on hot water? Women will say that the men just don't know what they are doing despite the fact that the vast majority of men manage to live on their own after getting out of high school. The women like that feeling of control.

This was my family growing up, only it was my father who was the control freak. He would bitch at me, my brother, and my mom for not helping out around the house, but we didn't because every time we did, he would yell and scream about how we weren't doing it "correctly." He once ran out waving his arms like a crazy person at my mother while she was cutting the grass. She thought something was seriously wrong. What was wrong? She was driving COUNTER-clockwise around the yard instead of clockwise! She never mowed the lawn again.

It's everything. We'll get the trash together, but it's not properly folded (yes, the TRASH). We'll cook, but we're not flipping the eggs in the correct manner (there's more than one way to flip eggs?). We'll wash the dishes, but we're not washing them in the "correct" order. After getting bitched out so much, we just stopped doing it.

I do everything now because I'm unemployed, and I get criticized at every turn for it. It's really upsetting.

Why would you have kids with an idiot? Do you really want idiot children?

The article describes my mom and dad to a letter. My mom constantly complained that dad allowed the house to be a total mess when she was working, which wasn't true at all. Maybe we didn't wash the dishes immediately after the meal because we were actually having fun, but we'd always put them in the sink, and we'd always wash them before going to bed. And he didn't put our clothes away, because we could do it ourselves. He'd put the clean clothes on the living room sofa, yell for us to take our stuff, and all 3 kids would sort through it and take our stuff and put it away. Of course, it wasn't folded to her standards, but it was kid's t-shirts and jeans, and it was done quickly! If we didn't care about the wrinkles, why should she?
I think her beef was that she insisted on doing it all her way,and spending hours on it, while he told us to do a chore or two to help him, so the same work would be done in like 15 min. and he'd take a nap. Basically, she was mad at him for not being as neurotic about housekeeping.

I don't believe I'm such a control freak. My husband does the laundry, and my only request was that he try to not put my workout clothes in the dryer, as they air-dry quickly and the dryer is bad for elastic/stretchy material. I told him this because we're trying to save money, and if he doesn't dry them they'll last longer, and its less stuff to put in the machine. Occasionally he'll dry them, but I don't complain because he does the job!

Ugh.
Both of my parents were neurotic about their own things which meant everything in the house/yard was an issue..all of the time.
I shit you not:
When I was young (under age ten), my mom use to have my dad's bath water ready for him when he came home from work. She would greet him with a kiss and offer him some freshly made tea. The house would be immaculate-(she was an obsessive-compulsive when it came to cleaning). She would also have his clean clothes out on the bed, and have a a beautiful and yummy hot-home-cooked (meaning veggies from the garden and just about everything else by scratch) meal for him.
All he did was fucking criticize her. You know, how he busted his hump all day at work and she just sits on her ass. Oh, edited to add-I forget to mention, she also worked as an RN part-time.

PLEASE.

Do you know how awesome that would be to come home from work to be greeted like that? Shit, in my wildest dreams!!!

Nadleeh, my dad was like that, too. We didn't crush the cans to be recycled properly, we didn't set the garbage can next to the curb the right way. Hell, he would even unload the fucking dishwasher and reload it again.

Ah, yes. I've been subjected to the dishwasher unload/reload. Classic. If its in there, the machine can be closed properly, and there's enough room for water to wash past it, its fine! But try and explain that to my mom and her mom. "Leave well enough alone" did not apply to her side of the family.

I'm the dishwasher loader in our house, but if I'm sick, BJ does it. I don't even look in there. OTOH, if I try to do something she normally does, she supervises the entire time. You will seldom see me in the kitchen because of that. I do all cleanup in there once she has retired for the evening.

Anyway, I have learned to say, "Okay, honey" and then do as I please. Most of the time this works very well!