07-14-2010, 11:37 PM
Oh baby! A guide to infants for the childless
ERIN KEANE • JULY 14, 2010
http://www.courier-journal.com/article/2...TY/7140340
This year is turning into a baby boom year in my social circle. So far the total is eight births or announced pregnancies, including two to siblings alone. When the babies start falling from trees, I find it useful, as a woman who has neither children nor plans for them, to review some basic rules for aunts, honorary or otherwise.
Nobody wants to hear your baby name suggestions. It has come to my attention that my naming skills are best suited to creatures with novelty nicknames, like cars and cats. My bold nomination of Monster Truck Keane (no hyphen) for my first niece was met with crickets from my brother, despite my assurances that such a distinctive name would serve her well in the future, whether as a pop-culture columnist or a Supreme Court justice. I am reasonably sure my little sister will ignore my names for her incubating fetus, including the completely amazing Moonchild or Luck Dragon (for a boy).
A baby shower is not a kegger. This isn't Europe. If you bring the margarita machine to the baby shower, people will give you the stink-eye. Baby showers are for sympathizing with the mother-to-be who has to deal with a parasite growing in her womb without as much as a tequila shot to get her through the second trimester. Pack a flask if you're going to sneak a drink while identifying melted candy bars masquerading as baby poop. (Hint: Snickers have peanuts!) Other things that don't fly at baby showers: strip poker, flip cup games, Xanax party favors and the auctioning of naming rights (see above).
Hippie toys suck. No matter what you read in your women's studies class, your niece will care much less about the painstakingly hand-painted wooden Norwegian horse family than she will anything that blinks, moves, makes spaceship noises, comes with a detachable pink tutu or somehow improves Barbie's life as much as hers. Always include batteries or suffer their scorn. Also, kids will make weapons out of anything pointy, so don't think you're being a clever pacifist and just buy the damn lightsaber or ray gun already. Bonus points if it's tarted up with the likeness of a licensed cartoon character. You can always turn into not-fun auntie later in life and load them up with books and savings bonds when they deem you too old and uncool to care about anymore. When they're young, buy their affection while you still can.
The television is not a baby-sitter. These days, children aren't supposed to watch television, not even "The A-Team," which is totally educational, come on. This one was news to me, but apparently it is no longer cool to say you will baby-sit when what you really mean is you will watch their big-screen TV and eat their snacks while the child plays independently at your feet, absorbing way more of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" than you realize until she calls the dog an a-hole for chewing up her Barbie shoes. Practice looking innocent and blaming your own mother. She's been around the block and she can take the heat.
Owning a pet is not the same as raising a child. Try not to reply to photos of your friend's child playing in the pool with snapshots of your dog running through a sprinkler. Just because you're invested in the emotional life of your designer mutt doesn't put you on the same level as a parent, and insisting that it does only makes you look desperate and weird. You can send Christmas cards with photos of your cat on Santa's lap (not that I would know anything about that), just don't get his hopes up about Meemaw and Pop-Pop visiting for his birthday. You don't even know your cat's birthday, you're just looking for an excuse to stage a flip cup tournament in some small creature's honor. Save it for your nephew's first birthday. By then, his parents will welcome the drinks with open arms.
Erin Keane is a Velocity staff writer and the author of "Death-Defying Acts."
ERIN KEANE • JULY 14, 2010
http://www.courier-journal.com/article/2...TY/7140340
This year is turning into a baby boom year in my social circle. So far the total is eight births or announced pregnancies, including two to siblings alone. When the babies start falling from trees, I find it useful, as a woman who has neither children nor plans for them, to review some basic rules for aunts, honorary or otherwise.
Nobody wants to hear your baby name suggestions. It has come to my attention that my naming skills are best suited to creatures with novelty nicknames, like cars and cats. My bold nomination of Monster Truck Keane (no hyphen) for my first niece was met with crickets from my brother, despite my assurances that such a distinctive name would serve her well in the future, whether as a pop-culture columnist or a Supreme Court justice. I am reasonably sure my little sister will ignore my names for her incubating fetus, including the completely amazing Moonchild or Luck Dragon (for a boy).
A baby shower is not a kegger. This isn't Europe. If you bring the margarita machine to the baby shower, people will give you the stink-eye. Baby showers are for sympathizing with the mother-to-be who has to deal with a parasite growing in her womb without as much as a tequila shot to get her through the second trimester. Pack a flask if you're going to sneak a drink while identifying melted candy bars masquerading as baby poop. (Hint: Snickers have peanuts!) Other things that don't fly at baby showers: strip poker, flip cup games, Xanax party favors and the auctioning of naming rights (see above).
Hippie toys suck. No matter what you read in your women's studies class, your niece will care much less about the painstakingly hand-painted wooden Norwegian horse family than she will anything that blinks, moves, makes spaceship noises, comes with a detachable pink tutu or somehow improves Barbie's life as much as hers. Always include batteries or suffer their scorn. Also, kids will make weapons out of anything pointy, so don't think you're being a clever pacifist and just buy the damn lightsaber or ray gun already. Bonus points if it's tarted up with the likeness of a licensed cartoon character. You can always turn into not-fun auntie later in life and load them up with books and savings bonds when they deem you too old and uncool to care about anymore. When they're young, buy their affection while you still can.
The television is not a baby-sitter. These days, children aren't supposed to watch television, not even "The A-Team," which is totally educational, come on. This one was news to me, but apparently it is no longer cool to say you will baby-sit when what you really mean is you will watch their big-screen TV and eat their snacks while the child plays independently at your feet, absorbing way more of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" than you realize until she calls the dog an a-hole for chewing up her Barbie shoes. Practice looking innocent and blaming your own mother. She's been around the block and she can take the heat.
Owning a pet is not the same as raising a child. Try not to reply to photos of your friend's child playing in the pool with snapshots of your dog running through a sprinkler. Just because you're invested in the emotional life of your designer mutt doesn't put you on the same level as a parent, and insisting that it does only makes you look desperate and weird. You can send Christmas cards with photos of your cat on Santa's lap (not that I would know anything about that), just don't get his hopes up about Meemaw and Pop-Pop visiting for his birthday. You don't even know your cat's birthday, you're just looking for an excuse to stage a flip cup tournament in some small creature's honor. Save it for your nephew's first birthday. By then, his parents will welcome the drinks with open arms.
Erin Keane is a Velocity staff writer and the author of "Death-Defying Acts."
