This is a very sad story, so read on at your own risk.
We had a great nephew, almost two, until two days ago. His father thought it would be fun to take him out for a ride in the local rough terrain on an ATV, a four-wheeler.
Turned out to be not such a good idea, as this great nephew was killed . . . somehow. The story told by the father (also hospitalized) does not match whatever the police found. Of course there's an inquest.
Our greatest concern is his mother, who is Philippina. A few years ago, they had another baby who died at birth from a congenital defect. No one was at fault there. But it was still a loss.
We are nowhere near where this happened. The mother has gone into seclusion with friends in the vicinity and will not go home. We don't know if she's been to the hospital or if anyone is in touch. Does anyone here have any knowledge of the Philippine culture, enough to say what is appropriate to do for her? All of her family is in the Philippines. She has only in-laws and her one friend here.
The mother is a nurse's aide at a local nursing home. She is a lovely person, works very hard, totally devoted to that kid. So this is not a case of green card-itis or anything. Also, they are all very religious fundies. Nephew met her on a mission in the Philippines.
We wonder if we should offer her airfare to make a visit home when the whole thing is over, as in the child is buried. What do you all think?
I would think that a mother losing their child (never mind their second child) transcends all cultures and a show of concern or kindness or airfare or ANYTHING along those lines would be well received. I'm not very good in a crisis either, but I try and be respectful of the grief, and I realize that everyone grieves differently. She might need to be alone or with her one friend right now. But any show of support is support.
Wow. What a nightmare.
WOW What a nightmare indeed. And this is her second child she has lost? OMG talk about grief.
for that poor woman.
Sadly I do not have any knowledge of that culture.
But, as Jo said everyone grieves differently.
So, if your close to this woman, its a good idea to allow her the space she needs to grieve on her own. Then later on lets say a months time
And,If you still want to offer support in the way of $$ or air fare for her. That would be a generous and sweet thing for you to do.
I am so very sorry for her loss. And for your loss too eslebee, for your great Nephew
How terrible. This is very similar to a situation that my friend's cousin was in a few years ago.. much too similar. The father took a toddler out on an ATV and he was killed. The father was hurt but recovered. The father actually faced criminal charges for childhood endangerment. The mother never really recovered..
As someone who is an immigrant (although the cultures aren't really that different) I really feel the isolation and I couldn't imagine dealing with something like that where you don't know anyone, and it's even worse that the language and culture is so different.. but as Jo said, many of these things are universal. I don't think it would hurt at all to reach out to her and offer your love and assistance. I'm so sorry.
Agreed with Jo's comments - some things transcend cultural differences. That said, there are probably better ways to spend the money than others when the amounts are more than token.
You could try contacting a national organisation to see if they have suggestions appropriate to the culture. The other option is to try contacting a friend or family member that you trust to make the suggestion, or just contact her directly. Send her a note saying that you want to help and would be willing to help her with airfare, a weekend get-away with a few friends, or... I have no idea. I've done this before with a friend (not so much the circumstances, but wanting to help and not knowing how) where I offered three very different choices that were all similarly priced and asked her to choose one if it seemed appropriate.
Thanks for all the ideas and support. I have no further info but will update you as soon as I get some.
What a terrible thing to have happened! :-( I'm so sorry for your/their loss.
My friend lost her (adult) daughter last Fall, and I sent her a daily email telling her she was in my thoughts and I was available for her. I told her I would keep sending her an email everyday until she told me she didn't need it anymore. I think it took a month before she told me I didn't have to do it anymore. I made myself available to listen to her and to be a shoulder to cry on. Anytime she asked, I went to see her. I brought her cookies and chocolate and she would talk, talk, talk, repeating the same stories over and over; she would cry, cry, cry, and then she was feeling a little better and I could leave until the next crisis.
I think being there for her is all you can do. She may not let you in at first, but eventually, i'm sure she'll be grateful for the support.
Very sad. I don't know anything about her culture specifically, but it can't be too different from other hard-core family oriented cultures. Here in the US, we tend to be more separated and solitary in comparison, but in most other cultures the grieving ones are totally surrounded by family, and people do whatever it takes to help out.
I knew an English woman who lost her husband, her cleaning lady was from Pakistan. So her cleaning lady talked her into going to Pakistan to let her family take care of her while she grieved for her husband. England's not so different from the US, and it was easy to isolate herself in her grief. She told me she never experienced anything like it. She didn't have to do one thing, or make a hard decision, for several months. They completely took care of absolutely everything so she could focus on getting through the grief instead of just swallowing it down and pretending to move on quickly until it blows up later in some other way, like we do in the West. She said it was such an amazing experience that she decided to spend 6 months out of every year living in Pakistan.
I don't think anything you could do would be wrong, reaching out in any way, giving any kind of gift or support would be most appreciated.
Minor update: so far, the mother has not left the house of what turns out to be her cousin in the area. The father is still hospitalized and may not be out in time for the viewing (!Why!) Friday or the Saturday funeral. The grandfather is telling him it's not his fault. What a pack of imbeciles.
Good times.
I realize the father is still hurt in the hospital, but have her immediate in laws done anything to reach out to her? So so very sad.. I know we vent on here a lot about bad parents but some people adore their kids and live and die for them, and to see them taken away by stupid choices is even worse.
I have Fillipina friends and they are very family oriented, but otherwise not sure what you can do but make yourself available for her. So she is isolated here in the US or the Phillipines? I wasn't sure. Finding a way to send her back there if she has a huge family/support system would be ideal, from what my friends have me to understand (I am friends with 2 Fillipina ladies)
(07-14-2010 08:11 AM)kittiesplease Wrote: [ -> ]I realize the father is still hurt in the hospital, but have her immediate in laws done anything to reach out to her? So so very sad.. I know we vent on here a lot about bad parents but some people adore their kids and live and die for them, and to see them taken away by stupid choices is even worse.
I have no idea. We have phone contact with the family at large there, but not them specifically, and seldom meet in person. They are in a remote part of another state. It's difficult to reach and there are few facilities for visitors. We refuse to stay with any of them.
ETA: We are going to talk with the one sister-in-law who seems to have any brain cells tonight, to see if we can/should offer to send her home. This would probably cause the grandparents and other sibs to break off all contact with us, but that's fine. We don't need it. We have always felt for her, stuck up there, and used to joke privately if she ever needed to run away, she could come here.
Okay, so the funeral was yesterday. The mother knows of our offer to send her home. The father is out of the hospital and now both are staying with her cousin while his family "sanitizes" their place, putting away the child's things until they can handle it.
She knows about the offer to send her home, but she wants to take her husband. We said, the money is for YOU. (Not that we could afford two round-trip tickets to the Philippines anyway. We figure she needs HER family. He has his here.) We suggested she think about it a while. She could also use the money to take a course in her career area. Something else to focus on, something constructive.
We're afraid they'll try again.
At least she knows the offer is there. You are very good family members to her. Is the police investigation still ongoing? Maybe the husband is trying to come along because he is afraid of what will happen with that. That may be totally wrong, but I'm just thinking of the similar situation that I mentioned earlier, when the father did face charges..
Your last sentence gave me a chill..
Someone wrote in their condolence book that the father should be in jail. We laughed at that by ourselves but the rest of the family just thinks it's awful. We don't know if the police are pursuing it. You know the old standby: "Hasn't he been punished enough?"
Nope.
ETA: And they're now wailing about his hospital bills. No insurance, no benefits. Tough turtles.
Well, I don't have insurance at the moment, but that should mean that you don't engage in needlessly risky activities like ATV riding.. and with a toddler?! It blows my mind.
Like I said, he's an oaf. An oaf who has never learned anything, apparently. If his wife wants to use the money we already sent to pay down the bill, fine. We don't care, because it will help her feel better. No more, though.
Offering that money was very generous, Eslbee.
Thanks, Koi. We were really hoping she'd wise up and leave. Guess we gave her too much credit for cognitive abilities.
(07-21-2010 12:14 AM)eslbee Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks, Koi. We were really hoping she'd wise up and leave. Guess we gave her too much credit for cognitive abilities.
LOL, No you just fell for the oldest sob story women fall back into which is " My man can do no wrong cause I love him"
This happens to everyone eslbee, getting fooled by women that is.
We can be a tricky creature when our backs our up against the wall, lol. But ITA that was super generous of you to give her money. But don't hold your breath for a repayment ( inho)
of course