Example 1:
Someone whom I thought was a very close friend unfriended me on facebook. When I confronted her about it via email, she responded with a weird message saying: "It was inevitable. Even when you hide someone, they can still respond to your posts." I then asked her if we could talk about it like adults, and she responded with another vague thing that didn't make any sense. She said she gets tired of people and needs a break, and she said that my facebook posts about the oil spill in the Gulf were depressing her and that my posts about being unemployed were depressing her. (Some friend, eh?)
Example 2:
Above-mentioned friend and a few other friends have had an email list "support group" since January where we encourage each other to exercise and eat healthy. Someone was talking about how someone else's kids weren't used to fresh vegetables, and I made an innocent comment about how Southerners don't know how to cook vegetables. Well, you would have though I had said all Southerners should be murdered or something, they way they started carrying on!
Believe me, I wasn't saying anything that I haven't heard a zillion people (including DH, Anastasia, PrairieGirl, and others too numerous to mention) say before. No idea why they all freaked out so much.
Example 3:
There is a lot of banter on this email list. One woman who is foreign calls 2 of the other women nasty nicknames, and they were responding with some running joke going around about whether she was carrying a towel or a watermelon. I made a joke about how we should give her a break if she doesn't know the difference between a towel and a watermelon because she's still learning English.
Well, she herself didn't say anything because she knows my sense of humor and I've known her a couple years now, but this other bitch who was new to the email list (like, 3 months) sent me this nasty email saying "Do you even think before opening your mouth? Apologize immediately to ____________ because her English is very good!"
WTF? What part of "it's a joke" didn't she understand? Why is it OK for them to call each other nasty names and all types of other stupid shit, but the minute I make a joke, some bitch whom I barely know is all up in my shit? For the record, my mother was a European immigrant and I am a dual U.S./Euro citizen, so I am the last person to be prejudiced.
Example 5:
A woman whom I've been friends with for over 10 years who lives in California just stopped talking to me because some mutual acquaintances went and talked a bunch of shit to her and she believed them over me.
I give up. I really do. This is why I prefer male friends. Women will stab you in the back every chance they get.
Wow, it's just a weekend for rotten friendships to erupt! I'm so sorry this is happening.
As to the vegetables -- yeah, but you gotta remember, we're an intelligent group here, and can step back from the Southernisms and mock them. If you're talking to people who love their southern vegetables, you can't insult them -- it's insulting their mamas, because mama taught them to cook vegetables that way.
Oh, and they call it "seasoning" the vegetables -- and think you're nuts for eating them plain, and still with a bit of crunch to them!
A few years ago, due to some childish crap like this, I eliminated the vast majority of 'friends' in my life. I have 3 very good friends in my life, more like sisters, and that's all I need. Even if you just have one true friend in your life, that's better than having multiple fake idiotic 'associates'. Cleaning house can be a great thing.
It's not gender, it's culture. Women fall for crap and do stupid stuff because they don't think about the causes of what they think they must do, like compete for male attention. I like women because I am one, and we have all shared the "stupid expectation" experience. If we turn on each other, we fragment our relationships. Men are okay, too. But you know why? They don't deal with cultural expectations, not the same kind. The trick is to treat everyone alike, develop a thick skin and realize that mean people, regardless of gender, are just mean people and not worth worrying about. Think of their meanness as a filter, or a red flag that lets you know to stay away.
This is just me, but I'd rather have just a few friends with whom I'm mostly in agreement on major issues than to try to maintain a lot of relationships. There's just not enough of me to go around. If you show me you're an asshole, I'll write you off, and you may not even realize it for a long time.
You guys are right. I need to get rid of fake friends and downsize to just the true ones.
(07-12-2010 04:20 PM)CF Scorpio Wrote: [ -> ]You guys are right. I need to get rid of fake friends and downsize to just the true ones.
I only have 1 or 2 real friends at any given time in my offline life. I used to think there was something wrong with me because I didn't have a large pack of close, reliable, seriously true friends. But lately I've been seeing that's not realistic. You can have loads of acquaintances, they change with the wind, but most people only have one or two seriously real friends.
Your friend in Example 1 is the kind I hate most. The Fair Weather Friend who only wants to hear good news all the time. I've known a few of those in my life. She's incredibly uncaring if she doesn't think a friend of hers who lives near the Gulf should be allowed to talk about the disaster there. It's a disaster that will affect ALL of us soon, for decades (probably centuries) to come. She can't make it stop by cutting you off. Oh, and you being unemployed is a big fucking goddamned deal. She doesn't want you to talk about it? Fuck her. I had a "friend" like that in New Orleans years ago. I was going through my very contentious divorce, from an alcoholic husband who was threatening me with violence all the time (who used violence in our marriage to control me), and as a result of the divorce I was going to lose my business and income (he was rewarded the business and all the income by the worthless judge, even though it was my dead mother's money that started the business). My "friend" told me to stop talking about it, she just didn't care to hear about it. She actually said, "From now on, I only want to hear good things from you, or nothing at all." Well, sorry lady, the divorce, the threats, and the loss of my business and all my income were ALL that was going on in my life then. I'd only been living in New Orleans about 18 months by then, I did not have piles of friends to talk to, it takes YEARS to make good friends. After she said that to me I was shocked, we were speaking on the phone so I all I could muster was, "Um. Okay." And so I granted her wish, after that phone call she never heard my voice or saw my face ever again. I doubt she ever got it, in her mind she was cutting off someone who was all doom and gloom (yeah, going through what I was going through at that time, there was nothing BUT doom and gloom), and in my mind I dumped a fucking worthless anti-friend who refused to stick by me until things got better.
Your Example 2 made me laugh. People do get ridiculously sensitive over really stupid things. Like PG says, know your audience. We here on this forum are intelligent enough to step back and mock things we grew up with. Also, to many people an insult about southern culture given by southerner is less offensive than the same comment coming from someone who isn't a southerner. If that make sense. Since I spent the first 26 years of my life imprisoned in a redneck dump, I guess I've sort of earned the right to say what I want--about the right wing religious freaks, about their nasty food, about their stereotypes, etc., because I lived it. I lived it as a total outsider, but I was right there growing up in it. Most people don't get all crazy if the person doing the mocking of a culture actually comes from that culture.
Anastasia is wise. As usual.
You are right, Anastasia. Apparently it's not OK for me to say anything bad about Southerners, but it's perfectly OK for them to make dumb jokes about Jews that they picked up from South Park.
Your "fair weather" friend sounds like mine. I can understand people wanting to be positive, but sometimes we are allowed to be upset about stuff when problems occur. I blame the New Age movement and "The Secret" for this shallow behavior and selfish attitude. Now they can cut off their friends and be cold and detached on the pretext of some New Age "surround yourself only with positive, happy people and thoughts" B.S.
(07-12-2010 06:35 AM)CF Scorpio Wrote: [ -> ]and she said that my facebook posts about the oil spill in the Gulf were depressing her and that my posts about being unemployed were depressing her. (Some friend, eh?)
I've seen your facebook posts & you don't go on & on about it - only occassional stuff. Sounds like she's crazy.
Quote:I give up. I really do. This is why I prefer male friends. Women will stab you in the back every chance they get.
Ain't that the truth! Me too!
Men have different gender/social/cultural expectations, and to my mind more narrow ones. Aggression is my biggest pet peeve. Think about what happens to gentle boys with loving dispositions -- if they are lucky, they only get beat up at school and called "gay". If they are unlucky, they have a parent who will "make them a man" and force them into football, teach them to fight, force them to swallow tears and anger, teach them to respond to the slightest slights with extreme reactions -- and then we women get to deal with those men.
We women at least have a range of normality that does include things like being a tomboy or a girly-girl. Men have pretty much only one path allowed to them -- macho, aggressive, take-no-prisoners, proud, sexually assertive, in control, unemotional (except for anger), successful. Men outside of that norm are gay, or whipped, or momma's boys, or namby-pambys, or whatever (pick a disparaging name which seems to insult the one allowed definition of manhood).
I wouldn't be a man in this culture for anything. There are much more possibilities for women.
PG, in a way, that's what I meant. Life is what we make it. When we put ourselves first, it's our world. When we let culture dictate what we do, we hand over the world and control of our destiny, to others. I know women have been trained to do that for millenia, but we don't have to. I never have, and I suspect many on this board don't either. At least not now, even if they once did. Anyone who lives according to what other people think is handing them the car keys. Drive yourselves.
(07-12-2010 07:12 PM)CF Scorpio Wrote: [ -> ]You are right, Anastasia. Apparently it's not OK for me to say anything bad about Southerners, but it's perfectly OK for them to make dumb jokes about Jews that they picked up from South Park.
Heck, you know it's always open season on Jews. Well, there's your audience, they sound like jerks. No wonder they are incapable of admitting their food sucks!
hey, im from the south (born, raised, currently living) and i dont like how typical southern veggies are prepared. they are basically sabotaged to the point where all of the good nutrients are destroyed. i always like mine raw (as in a salad) or steamed. and i always prepare my own. one would not think that i am from the south because i don't dress, speak or behave like one.
(07-12-2010 07:42 PM)sharon g Wrote: [ -> ][quote='CF Scorpio' pid='41808' dateline='1278927329']
and she said that my facebook posts about the oil spill in the Gulf were depressing her and that my posts about being unemployed were depressing her. (Some friend, eh?)
I've seen your facebook posts & you don't go on & on about it - only occassional stuff. Sounds like she's crazy.
Thanks for saying that. I also went back and looked at my posts after she defriended me and it didn't seem excessive to me either.
(07-13-2010 09:01 AM)kmoore Wrote: [ -> ]hey, im from the south (born, raised, currently living) and i dont like how typical southern veggies are prepared. they are basically sabotaged to the point where all of the good nutrients are destroyed. i always like mine raw (as in a salad) or steamed. and i always prepare my own. one would not think that i am from the south because i don't dress, speak or behave like one.
That must be why I like you! LOL
Sorry to be late posting here CFS. But I do totally understand where your coming from.
All I can say is welcome to my world
It's really sad that no one can take a joke anymore.
So, cut your losses and focus on your real TRUE friends.
Cause a TRUE friend will KNOW that your joking, and won't give you crap about it.
CFS
CFS, you and I are a lot alike. I often lose friends, and more often, lose internet friends, usually over something I wrote that got blown out of proportion. Or not. Maybe the person offended had every right to be that offended, I don't know. All I know is that I have had to come to terms with it over the years, and the fact that it happens time and time again leads me to believe I have some hand in it... what is the expression? Patterns will repeat forevermore until I realize the common denominator is me. I have strong opinions and a writing style that tends to alienate, then infuriate, then explode certain types of people.
It would appear that you and I have a similar trait, in that IRL, we are both super warm and friendly people. And super blunt opinionated people. I think this leads people to believe we are their genuine friend, and then suddenly, when the blunt opinion rears its head (I don't think it's an ugly head, but that's just my humble opinion LOL), the person feels betrayed that we weren't the warm and friendly person they thought we were. Or I'll just speak for myself here. It would appear that the average enemy of mine (who used to be my 'friend') felt betrayed in some fashion. That's the best I can come up with. Then they are doubly angry for ever thinking I was that warm friendly person in the first place. I'm thinking most people have a different view of friendship than I have -- they think I'm supposed to just sit on all my beliefs and take their side because friendship trumps all. No. Sometimes my friends do stupid things, and I'll say so. A lot of people think that is a betrayal of the friendship. I say it wouldn't be a true friendship if I couldn't be myself and express myself. I don't think I'm an ogre, and I don't think I say things spitefully, but some people truly believe that a friend would just zip their lip and take their side when they do things.... like say, I don't know... poke holes in the condom to get pregnant from their unsuspecting married lover. That kind of shit. I SHIT YOU NOT! I have an ex-friend who did this!!!!
I think I'm diplomatic, but what do I know. I'm the one with a list of ex-friends a mile long. I choose to just believe that "friends for a reason, friends for a season" philosophy of life and try not to dwell on the loss, but rather what I gained from the friendship.
((hugs))
Hope you don't let these things get you down too much. You are what you are. Your real friends accept you for that and love you for that.
I just realized something. A lot of people think you can only be friends if you always agree. Friends can agree to disagree. I think the key is not to take differences of opinion too personally.
(07-12-2010 07:12 PM)CF Scorpio Wrote: [ -> ]I can understand people wanting to be positive, but sometimes we are allowed to be upset about stuff when problems occur. I blame the New Age movement and "The Secret" for this shallow behavior and selfish attitude. Now they can cut off their friends and be cold and detached on the pretext of some New Age "surround yourself only with positive, happy people and thoughts" B.S.
Sorry you are going through this CFS. What a bummer.
Well, I find that in this day and age, people are overly-fucking sensitive AND
waaaaay too PC about
EVERYTHING.
I found "The Secret" to be a load of horseshit from the very beginning....(and just stating this opinion has probably pissed off a bunch of people).
My opinion on these people you are dealing with:
Some people only want to hear positive things. Period. I don't know....who doesn't? Most people I know don't particularly enjoy constant problems, continual stress and difficult dilemmas, but I find it odd and unrealistic that a person would choose to only discuss positive topics OR nothing at all.
That is not the real world.
On the other hand, I have a friend that is
always fucking negative. You name it, it is flipped to being negative. She is also hypercritical and criticizes everyone & everything and she also takes everything personally. Ugh. I mean, when did everything in life and in a discussion become
only about her? She is such a damn drain! After any type of conversation with her, I feel so wiped out and completely exhausted. I try to have very little contact with her now. Personally, I think she needs to see a shrink and discuss her anger issues.
Whatever.
Jokes. MY experience is that most people can joke around, poke fun of and find things comical when the issues at hand don't hit close to home. Jokes and innocent comments that are funny can be very tricky these days. What one person finds hilarious, another will be hurt and offended and bothered by (for months, years or even have it ruin a friendship). I have chronic health issues that I poke fun of all of the time and I don't care if others do, either. I have an acquaintance with a health issue, yet she is sooooo sensitive to any reference to
her issue in any manner, unless it is a serious one. Her health issue isn't even life threatening.......mine is. If anyone should be upset and super-sensitive...it should be me, but.....go figure.
I am one who continually tip-toes around (in my mind, lol), regarding what I
should and
should not say
before I open my mouth because I do tend "offend" sensitive people. It is never on purpose mind you (because I do know people that like to push buttons), but I have found that I am better off just keeping my trap shut. There have been many times that I have wanted to post something on a forum, but knew exactly who would be upset by it or take it personally, so, I kept my opinions to myself. It isn't worth the fighting that will erupt. I also have a very dry sense of humor and people often assume and misinterpret what I say as being mean (waaaaaaaaa) or insensitive (double waaaaaaaaa). I'm not...and people that know me well know that I am not.
I have acquaintances, a lot of them, but I do not have any close friends anymore. After years of feeling let down, used, taken advantage of, etc...I have decided that I am much, much happier having a lot of people to do things with, but not be 'best friends'. Also, I am very careful how much private information (meaning health issues, personal problems, work issues, money concerns, etc...) I share with anyone these days....it always seems to come back and bite me some way or another.
Eslbee Wrote:A lot of people think you can only be friends if you always agree. Friends can agree to disagree. I think the key is not to take differences of opinion too personally
Agreed, lol. There have many threads and discussions (even on this very board) that I have been the obvious minority in, but I didn't throw a fit or boycott the board for months because I didn't have the majority supporting me. I could have, but why? I enjoy forums and feel that it is very immature to think that everyone will support me and agree with me on every topic.
I have actually learned a lot from those who have disagreed with me!
Heh, I recently lost a lot of people who I thought were friends (online ones, but still) because I mentioned that I thought the drama over The Last Airbender film was silly. I was accused of being a racist and an elitist and a few more choice terms I won't repeat here. What's funny is that I never insulted them for their views - I respect them even if I don't agree with them, and I made that known. I like a good debate. I often learn things from them. However, I won't tolerate personal attacks and outright lies, especially when I've worked hard my whole life to promote tolerance. It's a slap in the face.
I guess some of us just have more respect for others. *shrugs* One particular "defriending" stung a bit because we'd been friends for a long time and she never struck me as the intolerant type, but I have to remind myself that if they can't be friends with someone who has different views, it wasn't meant to be and I'm better off without them. I guess it's a reflection of my age - these people are much younger than me and simply don't have the life experience. Personally, I think it would be really boring to be surrounded by people who are exactly like you all the time.
This whole FB thing just blows me away. You write about lots of different things in your posts: dancing, the pets, NK, books, the house, fun things you're doing...and the job stuff. To think you wouldn't post about your job issues is ridiculous. It's part of who you are right now, but it's certainly not all of it. I think Jo is onto something about the way people think. They get a certain idea in their head of who you are supposed to be, and then if you don't conform to that, it makes them uncomfortable.
A dear friend IRL unfriended me on FB because he doesn't like the things I write there. I used an example of something that happened in a meeting that I thought was wrong to try to encourage a student to stand up for herself. I spoke out against the remarks at the meeting, so this is not a question of my not being consistent. I took out all the identifying details so that only someone who was actually there would have known what I was referring to. Since it involved administration and my friend is a big believer in respecting administration no matter what, he took offense. I never said that administration was even present at the meeting, let alone that one of the top administrators was the one who made the bigoted comment, but that was enough to push my friend over the edge. We are still speaking IRL, but I am very unhappy that he felt it necessary to pass judgment on me for sticking up for something I believe in. My friend is gay. The remarks in question were directed against overweight people. I wonder if my friend would have felt the same if the remarks in question had been degrading to gay students. I told him I would not apologize to him or anyone else for my views and that if the administrator in question were to ever read my comments and ask me about it, I'd gladly discuss the matter again.