He doesn’t want kids. Now what?
by Melissa Chapman
He never made any secret of the fact that he doesn’t want children. But in the fog of infatuation, you thought it would be easy to iron out this little wrinkle. Reality, however, proves to be quite different. Now what can you do?
Profound disagreement
You and your husband have settled into the quiet loveliness of newlywed bliss and your first year of marriage has been more than you could have anticipated. You’ve found your groove living together as husband and wife, sharing simple pleasures together.
It’s the perfect life. Unfortunately there’s an integral piece of this well-constructed family unit missing: A child (or several). You’ve always wanted to parent and have never seen a future that didn’t include children of your own - maybe lots of them.
Your spouse, however, is holding firm to his no-kids stance and you are feeling desperate and scared that the life you’ve created with this partner will ultimately come crashing down if you don’t get on the same page.
Is there any compromise?
According to Laura S. Scott of The Childless by Choice Project and the author of Two is Enough: A Couples Guide to Living Childless by Choice the majority of the people she interviewed had said “goodbye” to the boyfriends or girlfriends who wanted kids. “They knew they didn’t want children and they thought it was unlikely they would change their mind,” said Scott. “I think they knew they would love any children they might have but they understood that loving your child and wanting to assume the role of parent are two different experiences.”
Here are three things to keep in mind as you work through this problem:
1. The best policy is to be forthright and talk about your needs
If you and your spouse do not agree on the issue of kids, it’s time to pause and talk it over, says Scott. It’s best to be honest and open about that up front. You both need to acknowledge and understand why the other does or does not want kids. This conversation is vital in that it exposes motives and concerns which may not have surfaced up to this point. These fears, hopes, and concerns are valid and can point to underlying desires and needs for future happiness and security. Don’t assume your partner will change his or her mind when the baby comes. That’s a recipe for disaster and it means you are not really listening to your partner.
2. Is it a marriage deal breaker?
It can be and maybe it should be, notes Scott. I don’t think anyone should be coerced or tricked into having a child. It’s rarely a good outcome for all the parties involved, including the children.
“I think the prospect of resentment cannot be underestimated,” says Scott. “In a way, pestering someone into having a child they don’t want is not respectful. It is a breach of trust. If I can’t trust you to listen to me and speak for me when I can’t speak for myself, how can I trust you to have my back?”
3. Dealing with a spouse who is reluctant to have kids
The best way to handle a disagreement, notes Scott, is to have an honest heart-to-heart talk and lay out all of the fears and concerns and the motives each person has for wanting or not wanting. Some motives like, “I want to pass on my genes” or “I’m scared to give up my career,” might appear pretty lame. But they need to be examined under the microscope and you need to ask yourself , “Is this me talking? Or is this fear talking or someone in my family or community talking?” A good couples therapist can help, provided that the therapist is willing to acknowledge that millions of couples can and do live happily childless and childfree.
http://ht.ly/29fdA
This does not compute. The article is talking about people who are discussing the baby-making issue AFTER they are married. Shouldn't they have that conversation before before marriage? How do you sweep that issue under the rug until after walking down the aisle and taking vows? It's definitely a deal breaker in almost all cases. But so many people are totally obsessed with having the fairy tale wedding, they have tunnel vision when it comes to other issues in a marriage.
What's with "Here are three things to keep in mind as you work through this problem"? There is no working through the problem. You either do or don't want kids. If you're a fence sitter, it's best not to have kids, if you're not sure if you want them or not because there's no return policy on kids if they're not to your liking. I think most fence sitters don't want kids, but society and peer pressure are trying to force people to want kids.
I don't agree with the statement "A good couple couples therapist can help..." because there is no comprimise in this issue. One person will be happy with the ultimate decision and the other will totally resentful.
How can there possibly be a compromise?
Children are the one issue in a marriage you can't compromise on. You either have them or you don't. You could technically say the same thing about pets but you can always give a pet away, but you can't do that with children. In the case of counseling, what is the point? Most likely they'll try to push the idea that having kids is natural or god help me, the point of being married.
This is definitely one of those first date issues that must be discussed before getting serious.
It's just plain dumb to get married and not have that issue (kids) talked about beforehand.
I was in a situation like that many years ago. I told my then g/f Susan that I never wanted to have kids. She had told me that she wanted to have at least one child. I put my foot down and told her that I just can't.
Later on she decided that she will not have kids. It was because she didn't want to lose me. She'd rather go without what she wanted to have me than to insist on having kids or try to change my mind.
As you know, we did break up anyways. The very reason that we broke up had nothing to do with kids. I just didn't love her. However, there are times when I wondered what would have happened if we had taken the plung.
What kind of a MORON marries someone who thinks the opposite way about kids from them?
(07-11-2010 03:11 PM)eslbee Wrote: [ -> ]What kind of a MORON marries someone who thinks the opposite way about kids from them?
Folks who are like those in one of the other threads -- star-struck by the perfect wedding ideal that they have in their mind. Everything just falls into place and happily ever after, right?
(07-11-2010 03:43 PM)ozarkmoon Wrote: [ -> ] (07-11-2010 03:11 PM)eslbee Wrote: [ -> ]What kind of a MORON marries someone who thinks the opposite way about kids from them?
Folks who are like those in one of the other threads -- star-struck by the perfect wedding ideal that they have in their mind. Everything just falls into place and happily ever after, right?
I'm guessing not. It takes about fifteen minutes' thought about all the marriages they know of to put that kind of idea right in the trash where it belongs. Marriage is a good thing, but it takes work, compromise, agreement on major issues and so on. You can't spend 15 minutes in serious thought about marriage before doing it?
(07-11-2010 02:04 PM)tommy14 Wrote: [ -> ]As you know, we did break up anyways. The very reason that we broke up had nothing to do with kids. I just didn't love her. However, there are times when I wondered what would have happened if we had taken the plung.
I think it's a good thing you never took the plunge. If she really wanted at least one kid, you could have been a victim of an oops and she would think it will be a case of "once the kid is born, he'll be thrilled with the kid and everything will work out." Contrary to popular belief, oopsing is quite common. I know of a few cases of oopsing, and in all but one case, the marriages didn't last.
I think that some people are fencesitters and think that they will be okay not having kids, until one day they decide that they do really want them after all. Or sometimes people aren't honest with themselves or their partner about their desire to have kids.
One of my friends is going through this right now. He and his wife have been married for 5 or 6 years. Before they got married they had discussed the "kid" issue and had both agreed that they didn't want kids. But now, a few years later, she has changed her mind and is really pushing him to agree to have kids. He refuses to budge on the issue and they are in couples therapy. He's really worried that this will eventually breakup his marriage, but he absolutely knows that he does not want kids.
My DH said that he was glad we discussed kids early in our relationship (2nd date) but he also said that he never really thought about having or not having kids. It never came up.
I asked him if I had wanted kids, would he have been all right with that and he said probably but he wasn't sure because he never really thought about it one way or the other.
(07-12-2010 01:26 PM)kristin9924 Wrote: [ -> ]I think that some people are fencesitters and think that they will be okay not having kids, until one day they decide that they do really want them after all. Or sometimes people aren't honest with themselves or their partner about their desire to have kids.
I agree with this. I've met loads of people over the years who got married before they made a firm decision. My ex-fiance in London really didn't have an opinion about being a father, he didn't care, I was CF and he was fine with it, we broke up and he married someone who wanted a boatload of kids and he was fine with that, he didn't care either way. Sometimes people get married without really having an opinion until a kid comes along and makes the decision for them. And some people let their partners think they might change their minds in the future, because they themselves don't really know for sure.
A few years ago, DH and I had dinner with a couple who'd been married about 5 years or so, and during dinner the subject of kids came up. I had assumed they were CF, but in truth only the wife was, and the husband was harboring some serious resentment. When they got married, she sort of let him believe that she might change her mind some day and want kids, she just didn't know. She was his third wife and he's a bit older, he was pretty desperate to be a dad (the other marriages didn't produce kids, either), and he was just sort of holding out hope that she'd change. She said that lately she was kind of considering having a kid for him, just to make him happy, and he countered (thankfully) that he didn't want her to have a kid under those circumstances. So about 2 years later they got divorced, everything else was fine but this one thing. She never did change her mind, and he just can't go on in life thinking he won't be a dad.
Another friend of mine has been engaged for at least 5 years or more to his gf. He has told me that she wants kids and he does not, so I told him that they shouldn't get married--for all the reasons we understand here on the forum. But, he argued, she's awesome and he really loves her and wants to marry her. His reasoning is that if he drags his feet long enough, she'll be over 40 and won't be able to conceive anymore. I know, dude logic. And he's also said, "Well, maybe if she does end up having a kid, I'll love the kid and be okay with it." I think a lot of people go that route. They love their partners so much, they've had relationships with other people that sucked and so they know how hard it is to find someone they really want to be with, so they just think if a kid comes along hormones will take over and they will be okay with it, it's inevitable and they will just learn to deal. Of course, many of these marriages don't last. People just don't seem to get how stressful parenting is, and if you didn't want it in the first place then it's a million times worse.
All of these posts are very interesting, it is nice to hear from CF people. Currently, I am in a relationship with someone who has been my friend for 14 years and my boyfriend for 3 years (we have lived together for 2.5years)... I recently turned 30 and I am under an unbelievable amount of pressure from Family his and mine to tell them if we are getting married and having kids. He said that he is certain he doesn't want kids and that certainty strengths as he gets older (he is 32 this Sept). He has told me that he is committed to our relationship and that he wants to marry me if I decide I also don't want kids but he does not want to hold me back from having kids if that is truely what I want.
Throughout my 20's I didn't want kids, in fact I was engaged and subsequently ended my engagement when my ex was talking about having kids with me. I thought that I just didn't want kids with him but maybe I just don't want kids? My family (especially my mom) believes that I do want kids and she says "if I chose not to I will regret it as I am not being true to myself". Honestly, I think I could deal with it if I became pregnant and I wonder what it would be like to be pregnant but I am terrified to act on it and I can't commit to even saying that I want to have kids. I am terrified for three reasons, one: I don't know if I want kids, two: if I do want kids then I will have to find a new relationship, and three: I can't separate what I want from what everyone else wants for me (I can't hear from myself what I really want)...
I just don't know what to do... I am SO confused and I have limited time to decide (being 30, I guess I should decide soon as I would only have about 5 years or so to start trying)... I wish I could be 29 forever, it is so unfortunate to have to make a decision like this when you have no idea what you really want.
My fears are: I decide to be CF and when we are in our mid-40's my boyfriend decides he wants kids and leaves me for someone younger who can have them. Or, I decide to have move on from my relationship in search of someone to have kids with (losing the love of my life) and end up finding out I can't have kids anyway. Or, I am past the child bearing age and want children.
Any advise on how to figure this out?
Hi jsmith.. I am in my mid 20s and I have always felt childfree, but I can understand maybe second guessing yourself a bit as the biological clock ticks on.
As for your boyfriend.. I mean, the only person you can really count on is yourself. You can never know if your partner will wake up one day and want kids any more than if you could anticipate an affair for any other reason, or a heart attack, or the house falling down, etc. It's possible he may decide he wants kids one day, but you know him better than anyone. Does he act 'lukewarm' about the situation? I think maybe if you have a heart to heart with him, you can better understand where both of you stand.
But even if he decides he wants kids, you have to look at yourself. As many people have said on this thread, we don't believe that the choice to have children can ever really be a compromise. Both parents really need to want to be parents. It is also a choice that you can never reverse after the child is born. Do you really want to be responsible for another person for your entire life? And yes, it is your entire life, not just until they are 'of age'. My MIL is in her mid 50s and still has 'kids' living in her house. My grandma was 70 and camped out for a month in the ICU unit when her daughter was in a car accident. My friend's mom is raising her son's children because her son and his woman are good for nothing, so she gets to go through it all again. Being a parent is an all consuming life-long activity. You will never ever be able to do what you want to do without considering a child... you give up all of your freedom. My sisters have children and I have seen this first hand. It's like going from light to darkness, literally.. your life becomes nothing like the life you leave behind if you become a parent.
Also, understand that giving birth is not the only way that you can be a mother. This isn't a choice you have to rush because you want to have a child out of your own body. There are so many children in the world that have nobody who cares if they live or die.. if you want to be a mother at 45, be a mother to a child who is here already and has nobody to love them... and that also eliminates the problem of having to find a 'new relationship' in order to have a child.
jsmith :
To address your first fear - if you do decide not to have children then request that your BF get snipped. That way you have a certain amount of certainty from him that he's serious.
If he doesn't want to do it because he's worried about the physical consequences (he thinks that it will hurt him permanently) then make sure he does serious research because he will find that most of the time the surgery improves things (because the psychological fear of pregnancy has gone away) and at the very least it hardly ever has a negative impact. I can't say that surgery is without any risk at all - but the risks are extremely small and it's definitely worth it. If he's not willing to go through with it then you should have a serious discussion as to why not.
jsmith - Ziggy has the right idea. It's an easy operation for a guy - if he's 100% sure he won't mind taking the plunge and that should help reassure you.
jsmith, a friend of mine married a man who didn't want children. They married young, and I think she just wasn't sure for herself, she was probably a fencesitter. She got pregnant while taking birth control, and she considered abortion but her family all told her that having kids is GREAT! And being a mom is GREAT!! And she MUST have her kid!!! So she did, and not long after, her husband left her because he hated being a parent. And so my friend became a completely single mom struggling to raise her son with absolutely no help at all from the father, and she told me she gritted her teeth and hated every day of her life for the first 10 years because it sucked so much having a child. She has always respected my choice not to breed, she has stated time and again--it's only for people who REALLY want it, people who love screaming birthday parties at Chuck E Cheese, people who love piss and vomit and other bodily fluids all over them, people who love giving up every molecule of freedom and all their dreams, people who love stupid kid TV shows blaring all day long.
She raised a good son, they have a very close relationship, and he's not a jerk or a brat, but she paid for it. When I met her she was 38, and she was very much looking forward for him to go to college so she could be "free" at 40, she's always wanted to move to a warm, tropical place, have a small condo and have a life. But he's been in college now for 3 years and she still can't have her dream because of the money college costs, and because she still needs to provide a home for him to come to during the summer. And when he graduates? With this economy he'll be lucky to find work and be able to live on his own, she'll still have to be there for him. So her dream is still on hold, her life slips away.
Luckily, she loves him or it would suck much worse for her. Not every parent loves their kids. Just about half the people I meet with adult and/or teenage children tell me if they had to do it over again, they wouldn't. A very nice woman I know right now says the world would be a better place without her two adult children in it. She lives with constant regret for having them. Everyone just concentrates on the baby-toddler-young kid parts of parenting, they forget that these are human beings they created, and human beings have their own opinions, their own lives, their own paths and problems, and they will usually disappoint you in some way or another, whether it's the minor disappointment my husband's mother feels because he married me and she disapproves of me, or it's the regret and misery one of my friend's parents feel because my friend turned out to be a heroin addict, even though he went to the best schools, was smart as a whip, and they provided a safe and loving upper class home for him growing up. He's still just a junkie.
I hear you that you cannot separate your own will from the will of those around you. I've been thinking about a suggestion for that, for you to find your own voice and your own desires free and clear from the influence of others. Right now I don't have any advice, I guess it's because my own free will in terms of to have children or not has always been loud and clear, I never questioned my choice for a childfree and happy life for a second, no matter what anyone has ever said to me. At every turn, I get nothing but reinforcement--from encounters with horrible children in public, to parents telling me I made the right decision and they wish they'd made it too, to people who love their children and would never say anything against them or against their choice to be parents and yet they complain and complain, about how pregnancy has destroyed their bodies, about how the fathers don't bother to parent, about how exhausted they are all the time, they can't afford to do anything fun anymore, they can't watch anything on TV, look up anything online, or read a book, or go out to dinner at a nice place.
Do what you can to find your own path, get away by yourself and be alone for a few days, or write the pros and cons down on a piece of paper and be totally honest with yourself (you don't have to show what you've written to anyone, so be honest), join the Big Sisters program and get to know children as a mentor or find some other volunteer work helping and being around lots of kids and see if that influences you in any way. Good luck!
Not only that, but just as much as I'm against forcing someone to become a parent, I'm also against denying someone for whom it is a strong desire that opportunity.
There just is no middle ground here.
"Good couples counselling," my ass!
Jen M.
(07-11-2010 04:21 PM)Dog Holliday Wrote: [ -> ] (07-11-2010 02:04 PM)tommy14 Wrote: [ -> ]As you know, we did break up anyways. The very reason that we broke up had nothing to do with kids. I just didn't love her. However, there are times when I wondered what would have happened if we had taken the plung.
I think it's a good thing you never took the plunge. If she really wanted at least one kid, you could have been a victim of an oops and she would think it will be a case of "once the kid is born, he'll be thrilled with the kid and everything will work out." Contrary to popular belief, oopsing is quite common. I know of a few cases of oopsing, and in all but one case, the marriages didn't last.
I feel for your friend, and I hate to say it, but it probably will.
Jen M.
(07-12-2010 01:26 PM)kristin9924 Wrote: [ -> ]I think that some people are fencesitters and think that they will be okay not having kids, until one day they decide that they do really want them after all. Or sometimes people aren't honest with themselves or their partner about their desire to have kids.
One of my friends is going through this right now. He and his wife have been married for 5 or 6 years. Before they got married they had discussed the "kid" issue and had both agreed that they didn't want kids. But now, a few years later, she has changed her mind and is really pushing him to agree to have kids. He refuses to budge on the issue and they are in couples therapy. He's really worried that this will eventually breakup his marriage, but he absolutely knows that he does not want kids.
Hi and welcome.
First and foremost, what I think you need to do is take some time to sit with yourself, by yourself, in a quiet place, and give this a lot of thought. It seems from your post that you are on the fence.
If you are able to spend some time getting in touch with yourself (yes, partially in the 'new age, navel-gazy way,') then it will become clearer to you who you really are and what you really want from your life.
Yes, it may mean making some changes in your life, but you deserve to be happy, and in order to make the best decisions for yourself, you really need to know who you are first.
Good luck to you. Whatever path you choose, I hope it will be the best one for you.
Jen M.
(07-13-2010 12:52 PM)jsmith Wrote: [ -> ]All of these posts are very interesting, it is nice to hear from CF people. Currently, I am in a relationship with someone who has been my friend for 14 years and my boyfriend for 3 years (we have lived together for 2.5years)... I recently turned 30 and I am under an unbelievable amount of pressure from Family his and mine to tell them if we are getting married and having kids. He said that he is certain he doesn't want kids and that certainty strengths as he gets older (he is 32 this Sept). He has told me that he is committed to our relationship and that he wants to marry me if I decide I also don't want kids but he does not want to hold me back from having kids if that is truely what I want.
Throughout my 20's I didn't want kids, in fact I was engaged and subsequently ended my engagement when my ex was talking about having kids with me. I thought that I just didn't want kids with him but maybe I just don't want kids? My family (especially my mom) believes that I do want kids and she says "if I chose not to I will regret it as I am not being true to myself". Honestly, I think I could deal with it if I became pregnant and I wonder what it would be like to be pregnant but I am terrified to act on it and I can't commit to even saying that I want to have kids. I am terrified for three reasons, one: I don't know if I want kids, two: if I do want kids then I will have to find a new relationship, and three: I can't separate what I want from what everyone else wants for me (I can't hear from myself what I really want)...
I just don't know what to do... I am SO confused and I have limited time to decide (being 30, I guess I should decide soon as I would only have about 5 years or so to start trying)... I wish I could be 29 forever, it is so unfortunate to have to make a decision like this when you have no idea what you really want.
My fears are: I decide to be CF and when we are in our mid-40's my boyfriend decides he wants kids and leaves me for someone younger who can have them. Or, I decide to have move on from my relationship in search of someone to have kids with (losing the love of my life) and end up finding out I can't have kids anyway. Or, I am past the child bearing age and want children.
Any advise on how to figure this out?