I am not sure how to broach this subject with my BIL and his wife (and my husband doesn't want to bring it up at all). I feel like they take advantage of us when it comes to dogsitting and babysitting for them. We dogsit for them a lot, probably a total 5 or 6 weeks every year. I don't mind watching their dog because he's very low maintenance and gets along really well with our dog.
He's getting old (about 11 years) and this last time that we watched him he started peeing on the floor while we were at work. I mentioned this to my SIL and she said, "oh yeah, he's started doing that lately." I'm thinking to myself, thanks for letting me know in advance. I could have at least closed the doors to the carpetted rooms while we were at work.
So what bothers me the most, is that they seem really ungrateful and then act like we are putting them out when we ask them to watch our dog. Plus our dog is a mostly inside dog, and when they watch him they keep him outside the entire time (regardless of the weather).
Then we also watch their kids occassionally. This often involved trading cars with them, because all three kids are in car seats and it is easier to just trade cars than transfer the car seats. When we trade cars, they have not once refilled the gas tank, even when it was full when they got it. They are also consistently late picking up their kids (sometimes several hours late) and don't call to let us know that they will be late.
I don't know what to do. I feel like they are being very inconsiderate and taking advantage of us. DH doesn't want to say anything (because he will avoid conflict if at all possible), but it really bothers me.
How would you guys handle this? I want to maintain a good relationship with them, but not let them walk all over us.
I would tell hubby that either you simply stop doing these things, or he has to do them, and you don't. You can just tell them, "We're sorry, that won't work for us this weekend" or "We won't be able to do that. Sorry." Repeat as necessary. No explanations. I got this from reading advice columns. The answer is always the same.
As an observation, I notice that, whenever this sort of thing comes up, it's the wife accommodating the husband's family. Why is that? You should both be on the same page and present a united front. If you can't do that, then you (the wife) are not obligated to do the work. This seems to be one of those dynamics that doesn't occur in a same-sex marriage. I would be very interested to hear what everyone else has to say about this one. If my observations are too narrow, I'd like to find out.
"I'm sorry but I've/we've made plans for that day."
This is a phrase you should always remember. The plans aren't important. It could be curing cancer or picking lint out of your belly button. Just say you have plans. They are definitely imposing on you and the fact that they are late when you have kids and never offer to top off the tank says it all. They know they can take advantage of you.
I would absolutely drop the babysitting. I would never trade cars (for heaven's sake, you better hope your insurance never hears about that!).
As to the dog, I'm much more sympathetic about a senior dog, and worried such thoughtless people will just leave him in their house with a slit-open bag of dog food for a week or two. Or get rid of him, because he's incontinent and inconvenient. Your call, though.
I agree! If it's HIS family, why is it mostly on you?
You're gonna have to put your foot down. Usually greedy breeders will not be reasonable so you may get some backlash. But, it's either that or continue to put up with it.
I would say you are busy. And get DH on board. If not, then it's on HIM!
I would also say the next time ask them, "hey, it seems to bother you when we need you to watch our dog, and since I prefer him not be kept outdoors maybe we should start making other arrangements for our dogs, if you aren't wanting to help us anymore."
If not well I do agree with PG about senior dogs - I love dogs and I would worry about how he would be treated otherwise. Also since you are worried about how they feel, opt to keep dog-sitting no matter what, but pass on the kids. I don't like kids so of course myself and most others are going to tell you to nix the kid thing. I mean if you wanted to take care of kids wouldn't you have your own LOL.
Otherwise you could talk to them about how you feel.
I was in a similar situation and did feel taken advantage of so I just started saying "I'm sorry but we have plans". You don't have to tell them what those plans are - plans are plans. Even if it's just you and DH sitting around doing nothing. You still have plans.
After a while, this person just stopped asking me to pet sit for her. She didn't take offence or get upset. She just realized that I wasn't going to be at her beck and call to rearrange my schedule to accommodate hers.
She hasn't asked me to sit for her for over three years.
(07-05-2010 02:23 AM)eslbee Wrote: [ -> ]As an observation, I notice that, whenever this sort of thing comes up, it's the wife accommodating the husband's family. Why is that? You should both be on the same page and present a united front. If you can't do that, then you (the wife) are not obligated to do the work. This seems to be one of those dynamics that doesn't occur in a same-sex marriage. I would be very interested to hear what everyone else has to say about this one. If my observations are too narrow, I'd like to find out.
I may be accommodating DH's family a little bit, but DH is always there when we have the kids over, and a lot of times it is just him watching them. But with three kids under the age of 7, it is just too much for one person to handle for very long, so I try to be around to help out. And with both of us there, it is much easier to trade off when one of us is at our wits end.
What is funny is that, while I have little patience for kids, I am freakishly good with them and my nieces and nephew LOVE hanging out with me. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have never really grown up.
On the flip side, there are very few instances when DH has to accommodate my family. I'm an only child (so no nieces or nephews to watch), my parents prefer to board their dogs when they go on vacation (because their dogs are dog-aggressive & prey-driven so they wouldn't do well with our dog or cat). DH had no problem letting my best friend (and her cat) live with us for several months while she was between jobs. So I think that we have a pretty balanced relationship when it comes to each other's friends/family.
But Kristin, you just showed us exactly how UNbalanced it is. Your friend's cat was there once. You have no nieces and nephews. Your parents board their dogs. You always have to pitch in, reaching your wits' end is commonplace, and it happens 5-6 times a year.
Naturally you have inside information we can't be privy to (all the little details of married life, I mean). But it doesn't LOOK balanced from my POV. Which is just that, an individual POV.
My mother and I were talking about something similar last night. I have an aunt that flies off the handle a lot, so people tend to lie to her or couch what they have to say in a lot of double talk.
I am not a fan of that style of communication. I will *never* understand where lying became acceptable to 'spare people's feelings'. My feelings are hurt when I'm lied to. But I realize that's just me.
If it were me, I'd be honest. I am not obnoxious-confrontational, but I am honest and honest to a fault. I would say flat out and as kindly and warmly as I could (because I *am* kind and warm... it's not an act), "I'm sorry, you probably don't realize this, but I've really felt taken advantage of the last few times we dog-sat, so I've decided not to do it anymore because it causes me to feel a lot of resentment and I don't want to feel that way."
I'd go on to explain the details, and just keep bringing it back to the fact that for your own peace of mind, it's best that we not enter into arrangements where one or the other feels taken advantage of.
Seriously. I have done this FOR YEARS, mostly as it pertains to why I don't accept invitations to xmas parties or work social events. They make me anxious. It's very important to me to have an anxiety-free life. So I say that. I don't say "I have plans" or any such lie, because I don't. And I think my honesty is good for the friendship in the end. I really do. All of my *remaining* friends (LOL) are authentic as they come because they accept me exactly as I am, not as I appear to be.
MHO.
Jo, I don't think saying you have plans is a lie. As I sid, if your plans are just to sit around and watch TV, they're are still your plans. Once you mention you have plans, you don't owe anyone an explanation as to what those plans are.
I say it all the time. "Sorry, we already have plans" and leave it at that. It's not a lie. My plan is to sit around on my deck and do sweet fuck all today. That's the plan and it doesn't include dog sitting.
Enough said.
NKB, your plans can simply consist of anything BUT babysitting. One of the neat things about being CF is that we can lead a quiet lifestyle and enjoy our surroundings. I do that day in and day out. I planned it that way.
Fair enough. The question *was* about etiquette, and I'm sure etiquette would dictate a polite decline with something along the lines of "I have plans".
I'm not one for etiquette, so I guess my answer is not the 'correct' one but it's the one I'd use because I'd rather be honest than polite. I think I can be honest AND polite, personally. I think the honest fact is deeper than just the immediate request (Q: can you dogsit for us today? A: No, sorry we have plans") as to the bigger picture -- it's going to happen again and again, the people involved feel taken advantage of and used, and that's going to impact the long-term relationship. If it's just a superficial relationship anyhow, and you don't care, then sure, say whatever to get out of it if you are bent that way. But if you value the *relationship* and want these people to know you, appreciate you and love you, then you have to be honest with them. I can only put myself in their shoes and I would hope that if someone felt I'd taken advantage of their generosity, they would tell me so so I could a) apologize b) make it right and c) mend my ways.
Jo, did it ever occur to you that you're one in a zillion?
It sounds as though your problem isn't with the kids or the dog - it's with the fact that you feel like your BIL and SIL take advantage of your generosity. While you could refuse to babysit and dogsit, that doesn't sound like the ideal solution for you either.
I don't know what to recommend for the dog other than mentioning your needs as they mention theirs "We can take care of your dog no problem, and we're going away next month as well, does that work for you?" and then trying to not let it bother you when they make comments later. I also hate to phrase it in such a way, but the dog is also old enough that this may not be an issue for many years to come.
As to the kids - can you put limits on this? Such as "Feel free to drop them off at our place, but we'd rather not trade cars". Or you can go to their place - the kids will feel more comfortable there and you can keep your car. Another option (although you'd need the car) is to force them to a place that you can meet up with them so that they can't be delayed by hours.
It sounds as though the kids might really need some outside positive influences, as I'm not sure what to think of parents who act like this.
I'd advocate being direct, except that people who act this ignorantly aren't likely to apologise and fix their act if confronted. I'm guessing that they'd get defensive and not ask you to babysit in future, which doesn't sound like the ideal solution for you.
P.S. to eslbee: It wasn't just the cat - she stated that her friend's cat *and* her friend stayed at their place for several months. While a friend is less maintenance than the children and dog, I would say that her husband has been accommodating to her needs as well!
Don't worry about swapping cars. Insurance goes with the car, not the driver. You can borrow someone's car and be A-OK with the insurance.
I think Ziggy has the right idea - be direct and try to set limits. It doesn't sound as if you want to cut ties completely or even stop helping them in a pinch. And you also do rely on their help from time to time. But setting reasonable limits so that resentment doesn't build sounds effective.
(07-07-2010 09:24 AM)catsnotkids Wrote: [ -> ]Don't worry about swapping cars. Insurance goes with the car, not the driver. You can borrow someone's car and be A-OK with the insurance.
It must depend on the state. In mine, insurance is both a car and driver thing. I have to list ALL drivers of my car on my insurance, even if they only drive it occasionally. The portion of insurance that covers another driver is if they RARELY drive the car. In this case, they are regularly swapping cars, and if their state is like mine, they have to list those drivers, or those drivers won't be covered.
http://www.progressive.com/understanding...d_if_.aspx
It's based on "regular and frequent use". That's more like sharing a car - like a spouse or partner would do. I'm not even listed on J's and he's not on my insurance. We only use one another's cars once a month at most. Unless you're insured with some crappy company like GEICO it wouldn't be a problem. But if you insure with GEICO you've got other problems, LOL!
I'm still going with the idea she is far more accommodating than he. For one thing, they're CF for a reason; they don't want kids. Why should they hang with kids? And I agree the cat incident was a lengthy one, but it was only one. This is chronic. It also sounds like these people are not very nice, and there's no real need to accommodate them. The fact that they are family is really beside the point. After all, we share 98.5% of our DNA with chimps, so we are all much more closely related, even if we don't seem to be. The degree of relationship is a lot less important (to me, obviously) than the level of psychic discomfort. If I wouldn't let my neighbors or co-irkers intrude and take advantage, why would I let my relatives? These are HIS relatives' kids. They never have to deal with hers. Why is she bearing the brunt of all this, and why, for that matter, is he? Limit contact with annoying people.