I need some help with a very delicate subject.
Someone I love has what I would characterize as "questionable" hygiene practices.
This person does not shower every day. I'm not saying that he/she goes days without showering but IMO, one day is long enough. That may just be a personal pet peeve of mine but I like to have a clean body every single day. Especially the day after a very hot day that produced quite a bit of perspiration - such as yesterday. Also, if there is no shower, there is no clean underwear. Same underwear as the day before. GROSS.
The one thing that really bothers me is this person can go DAYS without brushing their teeth - mostly on the weekends. No brushing Friday night, Saturday morning and night and no brushing Sunday. Like EWWWW!!!! Personally, I can't stand that feeling on my teeth when they are not clean.. Ugh. It's disgusting. Not to mention the breath.
This person smokes and drinks beer. Not a good breath combo on any day but when you go days without brushing, it's one million times worse.
How can I bring up this very touchy subject without sounding like a nag (or sounding like this person's mother) and without hurting their feelings?
If the only reason you want them to shower more often is because you think everyone should shower more often, you need to back off that one! If they smell bad, that's something else entirely.
The toothbrushing thing is horrid -- there's no way they could avoid bad breath, and that is simply offensive to whomever they are speaking at the moment.
Underwear -- again, if you smell it, that's a problem. If you don't, not your problem.
(Now you make me wonder, though, that you're speaking of your spouse! -- because how many of us truly know whether a friend or relative has showered or changed underwear lately! If it's your spouse, that's another issue, since there's greater intimacy involved. If you can't stand the idea of his filthy penis getting anywhere near you, say so -- many men are sex-reward driven, and if he knows this is a deal-breaker for you, you may be able to entice him to better habits.)
When I was in college, I had a dear friend who was morbidly obese and wouldn't shower. This was in extremely hot and humid Tennessee, so you can just imagine. He was very affectionate with his friends and loved to give hugs. Well, you can imagine again. It got to the point where I would be as physically far away from him as possible when we would hang out, but I never knew what to say because I was afraid I'd hurt his feelings. Another friend finally got tired of the stench and actually said something to him, I was shocked she actually did that, but she said it was fine and he wasn't hurt. She said he told her that no one, including his parents, ever told him that showering and putting on clean clothes every day was what people are supposed to do. He never learned anything about hygiene. Things greatly improved after that and I enjoyed getting my hugs.
However, if the person you're talking about is your spouse, then...a million times ewwwww. You can't just get away from your spouse like you can a friend or co-worker, you're stuck in an intimate setting. My ex-husband didn't like to shower every day, he was sort of a "where the day takes you" kind of guy from London, where it doesn't get very hot too often. So when we moved to New Orleans, which is like living in the fires of hell (in every way), I had to flat out tell him to get in the damned shower every single day or I wasn't going to touch him. He was fine with that, not offended at all. After several months I remember him saying, "I've never been this clean in all my life!" Luckily, he had no problems with brushing his teeth every day, but I would have told him to do that, too, if I had to.
I had a boyfriend some years ago, also from England, who didn't believe in wearing deodorant. He did shower and put on clean clothes every day, but he truly thought deodorant was a scam to make people part with their money for nothing, so he never bothered. It wasn't a problem in London, but when he came to visit me in New Orleans, was a HUGE problem. This particular guy is extremely emotionally sensitive, almost like a girl, and we'd only been dating a short time (long distance), I had no idea what to do because he nearly died when I made a comment about his clothes (he was completely colorblind and wore crazy fucked up combinations and refused to take any advice about it). So one day I mentioned deodorant and he told me how he didn't think it was a legitimate product, and I told him that there was a particular brand I liked because I thought it smelled nice and I'd buy it for him to try. And that was enough to get him to wear it during his visit, then we broke up some time after he went back to England and I never had to worry about it again.
My current husband sometimes has breath that ain't great, so I just flat out tell him, "Dude, you need to gargle and brush your teeth or I'm not kissing you." And I say it lightheartedly, he wants to kiss me so he will go and brush and gargle and everything's fine.
When it's a spouse, I personally feel you're intimate enough in every way to be honest and just say something like, "Please shower and brush your teeth every day because I *really* like it when you do." If it's not a spouse, then I'd have to either say something or just never hang out with that person again.
My DH is lazy on the teeth brushing and I don't get why, that is so gross.
I may not shower everyday but I almost always at least do a hot bath (eases my joint pain)
Sometimes if I don't shower I am not leaving the house anyway.
So I don't bug him too much, but if he wants to kiss me hell yeah he's brushing!
He has a bad habit of only using mouthwash sometimes. That does NOT help.
I would try the examples given, but if it is your DH I would think that you could approach them easier, but I do understand cause sometimes mine gets defensive and I think it bothers him. But you have to live with him so if it is him hopefully you can find a way.
If you are very close, then go with a more direct approach because a friend or lover would probably want to know. This especially applies if they are from a different culture because Americans have a fairly high standard of hygiene as compared to most others. They may honestly not know that they are offending people.
If they are a coworker then you must be more cautious because of legal issues. While I normally hate HR people with a passion, this is what they are paid to deal with, plus it gets the burden of telling your friend about the problem off you.
HA! It was in Ask Amy today..
----------------------
Ask Amy
Monday, July 5, 2010
DEAR AMY: Help! I have been dating the most wonderful man for eight months. He is the most kind, caring and loving man I have ever been with.
My problem started when I sold my house and moved in with him temporarily.
Since living with him I have learned that he doesn't shower every day!
He doesn't have body odor and it's not obvious that he doesn't bathe, but now that I'm living with him I've seen that he sometimes lets as long as four days pass between showers.
I was raised to shower every day and I really find this disgusting.
I've tried every way I can think of to persuade him to shower every day -- joking, cajoling and being stern. For me, this is a deal breaker.
I realize I shouldn't have moved in with him and that situation will change soon, but can you help me come up with ways to convince him that he must bathe every day? -- Clean, Not Mean
DEAR CLEAN: I'll point out that the practice of showering or bathing daily is not universal; I assume that people who bathe daily are probably in the minority -- in this country and elsewhere.
If you two had a frank conversation about this, your guy might point out that his skin gets yucky if he uses soap too often -- or that he is motivated by the thought of saving thousands of gallons of water each year. (If that's his reasoning, perhaps you could suggest that you two share your showers.)
Most important, if you are a bathing maniac and yet don't notice any ill effects of his bathing schedule, then why do you care so much? And if this is so important to you, couldn't he compromise and shower more often?
If you declare something to be a deal breaker and he doesn't cooperate, then it may be time to pack your shampoo and go.
If I am staying home and not expecting anyone in, I will let showering go a day. Your skin and scalp need a little recovery time now and then. And I have a friend who showers 3-4 times daily. She's always sick.
I shower every day, but I don't wash my hair every day, but every other day unless I have been sweating a lot, etc. I think hair washing depends entirely on the type of hair that you have. There are times in the year when I can wash my hair each day, but most of the time it would become a huge puff of frizz and static if I did so. I tried washing and conditioning each day, but it just made it look greasier than if I washed it every other day.
My mom and sister have even more naturally curly hair than I have (mine is really 'naturally wavy', they would say) and they wash about 3 times a week unless it's dirty for some other reason. My dad has to wash his every day or it looks really greasy. I had to have this whole talk with my hubby when he noticed this, but now he understands my type of hair and that it's not unclean if I don't wash it every single day.
And yeah, I gotta admit to skipping a shower here and there if I'm not going out!
Not often though, especially now that I live in a big city with all the smog and humidity! I haven't missed a shower since I got here, even if I do nothing but clean the house and stay in all day.
But back to the original question, I would honestly rather have someone close to me say that I need to take my grooming up a notch than have people talk about my smell and appearance behind my back. Just do it gently
I don't have any advice about how to tell that "person" about (his or her) hygene. However I have some helpful tips (and it applies to me also) that's more than basic and required.
When it comes to the body: you should use soap and anti-perspirant (dry) that's scentless. Especially at the armpits. When you have something that's scented, it mixes with the sweat and odor. It can be very offensive to someone else. And by all means, do not, I repeat, do not use cologne/perfume at the armpits. I have smelled people like that and it knocks me out. Also, be careful with powders that are scented.
About the teeth: be sure to brush at least twice a day (well, that's nothing new!). But also be sure to floss. Also be sure to get in areas that are hard to get to because that can be where the offenses comes from. I have to floss under the bridge that I have and also I have a small brush that I have to sweep into a tooth that has a hole in it. Food particles can accumlate in the hole of that tooth and that can cause bad breath very easily.
I agree with everything P.G said and Kittiesplease said.Very well said Both of you.
But inho if you want a tip to get a man to do something out of charactor is.. to flirt your way to have him follow you in the bathroom. And either shower together, do a liitle sexy strip dance in the bathroom and get him in their.
If he says something like I don't want to.
Then be more assertive and say, If you want any of this, then please join me in the tub, or stall
and offer to scrub his back
Men love that shit and eat it up... lol
The teeth, well that is a dealbreaker in my book as I was raised with proper dental care as my brother is a dentist.
I was his personal lab rat at age 23 when he was in graduate Dental school.
I got my wisdom's pulled for free, lol.
But anyway, ITA with what Tommy said about tooth decay and flossing.
But, if the man your dating has bad breath.
Grab a bottle of scope take a swig yourself then offer the bottle to him.
He will take it if he wants you.
If he declines, again you insist. Men sometimes like it when your assertive.
Sort of a very playful mild sub/dom thing.
You can get your way, IF your willing to play.
imho of course
Now if this is a co-worker.. Just walk away and stay away, LOL
I'm pretty honest about these things with J. If he smells bad, I tell him. But if it's not your DH it gets more complicated. We had a co-worker who stunk a few years ago. It was brutal. We ended up doing nothing - eventually she quit... none of us could decide how to approach her in the end, so thank dog she quit!
The non-shower thing I can deal with because it's usually just one day but the oral hygiene is another issue all together. Not only does your breath really, really smell, but it's not good for your teeth and gums to go that long without brushing.
Anyway, thanks for all the advice.
I heard there was a new study that if you had dental problems, you had a 70% greater chance of heart disease.. so it's really a health issue.
Kitties makes an excellent point. Something about not brushing teeth directly affects arterial health.
(07-07-2010 01:21 PM)kittiesplease Wrote: [ -> ]I heard there was a new study that if you had dental problems, you had a 70% greater chance of heart disease.. so it's really a health issue.
For who-the person with the bad teeth and breath or the spouse that has to put up with the horrible smell?
The idea is that gum inflammation is related to bad arteries:
http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/a...key=116695
They strongly recommend brushing twice a day as a result.
A word of caution (that you don't need to mention to the perpetrator): The scientists don't know how teeth brushing and heart disease are linked. It could just be that people who are more prone to heart disease don't like to brush their teeth, so the two aren't related, but it isn't that hard to brush one's teeth (I was bad at brushing my teeth twice a day when I was younger, but I forced myself into the habit and now I enjoy the results) and the potential benefits to one's health are worth the 'sacrifice'.
I wondered that too, Ziggy.. if the trend of not caring for your teeth is just a symptom of a person's attitude towards their health, and just shows that they are less likely to eat right, work out and take care of themselves other ways..
They had allowed for many other factors - teeth brushing and cardiovascular disease are very closely linked. Other health factors did not contribute to the effect to nearly the same degree.
Dental care is to cardiovascular health as smoking is to respiratory health. The problem is you can't TELL SOMEONE THAT who doesn't want to hear it. Tell every single spouse of a smoker who thought saying "smoking causes cancer" was going to stop their spouse from smoking. Nice try. It does not work. BTW did you know DRINKING causes LIVER DAMAGE? Oh yeah, and aspertame, brain tumours? And sugar causes diabetes???? See the point?
People's bodies are their own to do with what they see fit. It is up to them and only them if they want to shave, brush their teeth, bathe, smoke, inject heroin, tattoo it... whatever. You can't tell people what to do. Coming up with 'logical reasons' such as cancer scares is futile. Take it from me... I smoked until I was damn ready to quit and it had nothing to do with other people's opinion of me smoking.
If someone else's habits bother you, you have to tell them it bothers you, the the ball is in their court if they want to change that behaviour... but not changing that behaviour doesn't indicate they love your more or less. Al Anon 101. Or any 12 step program for that matter.
You can't change other people.