(07-08-2010 09:53 AM)Jo Wrote: [ -> ]You can't change other people.
Ain't that the truth!
My DH did/does a few things that drive me fucking ape-shit, but trying to 'change' him just turned me into a nagging biotch. At first he would say "ok' just to get rid of me and shut me up (I am guessing...)...but he didn't change what irritated
me...he just started to avoid me if he thought the issue would come up.
Anyway, I don't think there is any harm in bringing the issue to his attention. People often cannot smell themselves. Does that make sense? So, being honest is often the best approach. If he smells bad to you, believe me, others are smelling it, too.
Also, I am not sure if you are referring to your DH or someone older......meaning, the age that someone could be having early stages of dementia. Older people ignoring basic hygiene is often due to memory-loss issues or even issues with pain, making ADLs difficult or impossible.
But Jo, while I agree with that, some habits of other people can effect you negatively. If you love a person, maybe you can work out some sort of compromise. When BJ smoked. she did it outside, in front of a fan that blew out wearing a shirt that stayed out. It still got in a little, but nothing like if she hadn't done that.
So in the case of a spouse and not brushing teeth, or smoking, I think you can use kissing as leverage. No one has to kiss a dirty mouth. You can get them to clean it up regularly, if not all the time.
(07-08-2010 09:53 AM)Jo Wrote: [ -> ]Dental care is to cardiovascular health as smoking is to respiratory health. The problem is you can't TELL SOMEONE THAT who doesn't want to hear it. Tell every single spouse of a smoker who thought saying "smoking causes cancer" was going to stop their spouse from smoking. Nice try. It does not work. BTW did you know DRINKING causes LIVER DAMAGE? Oh yeah, and aspertame, brain tumours? And sugar causes diabetes???? See the point?
People's bodies are their own to do with what they see fit. It is up to them and only them if they want to shave, brush their teeth, bathe, smoke, inject heroin, tattoo it... whatever. You can't tell people what to do. Coming up with 'logical reasons' such as cancer scares is futile. Take it from me... I smoked until I was damn ready to quit and it had nothing to do with other people's opinion of me smoking.
If someone else's habits bother you, you have to tell them it bothers you, the the ball is in their court if they want to change that behaviour... but not changing that behaviour doesn't indicate they love your more or less. Al Anon 101. Or any 12 step program for that matter.
You can't change other people.
AMEN to that, lol. ITA on every word Jo
Although, through history many a woman has fought to try to change her man, but the bottom line is. it just cannot be done, lol.
So, ladies try to stay away from men that smell like pigs, cause they will never change.
And never look for the logic, cause it is so very rare to find in them, lol.
Nope. You can't change people. I realize that. You are not me and I am not you. Everyone is different.
I just have to learn to deal with that. It's not the end of the world.
(07-09-2010 12:22 AM)eslbee Wrote: [ -> ]But Jo, while I agree with that, some habits of other people can effect you negatively. If you love a person, maybe you can work out some sort of compromise. When BJ smoked. she did it outside, in front of a fan that blew out wearing a shirt that stayed out. It still got in a little, but nothing like if she hadn't done that.
Yes, of course, the ideal is to work out a compromise. But if for some reason you are with an uncompromising individual, AND you love them, AND you've chosen to stay with them through good and bad, then you have to accept that sometimes people are going to do/say/smell like things you don't like.
It took me a lifetime to learn that setting boundaries then sticking to them is the key to my sanity. I don't allow drug users into my life. But, for example, I don't mind stinky people the way, say, NKB does. So you can stink in my presence but not do drugs in my presence. I cannot control whether or not that person DOES DRUGS at all, just what is done in my presence, and I do so by setting up obvious and strict boundaries. I don't think anyone would even think to do drugs in my presence, because I've made my feelings on the subject abundantly clear from the outset. And I am the type of person that would ACT on it if someone did it (ie, call the cops, forcibly escort them off my property, etc.) not just cry the blues that if they loved me, they wouldn't do it. As Tina Turner once brilliantly said, "What's love got to do with it??"
LOL
Excellent advice from all. Thanks.
Yeah, you know what? I'm not his mother. If he doesn't want to brush his teeth or have a shower, who am I to say otherwise? This is clearly more about me than about him.
Besides, I'm sure there are some things that I do / don't do that bother him. He's just too nice to say anything.