Update: It's not getting better. I'm still in Pittsburgh and I've been trying to get a hold of my grandmother to arrange for the movers and such but she hasn't been around for almost a week now. I'm thinking she might just be staying at dickhead's since she does that at times but it's not helping that I can't at least make some arrangements to get out of here.
What makes it really suck is that I had the Triple Play with Comcast and since I couldn't pay it for three months they cut my service. That means no internet, no tv, and no phone. This is a major hassle now because I either have to call collect at a pay phone and hope she's home or bug my neighbor. I really hate this.
The worst part is that I'm flat broke. I have maybe twenty bucks to my name and a few days food at most in the house so I don't have a lot of options.
My nightmare is that she died or something and that I'll get evicted and all my stuff thrown on the curb. I don't give a crap about the furniture but it's the idea of losing my books and computer that bugs me the most. As much as I loathe the idea of living with her I truly have no other option.
Right now I'm at some coffee shop with wi-fi thank god but I can't do this too often since I don't want to poach their connection without buying something. When you get to my level, two bucks for coffee is a wee bit pricey. I'll try to check back in when I can. Hopefully things will get better.
God I hope so.
We'll be waiting to hear from you and hoping for good news.
Have you got a car? Just curious.
Keep us posted - thinking of you and hoping things are OK.
Shit, Eddy. I'm really sorry. All I can do is pray and send you strength and good wishes. REALLY wishing I had an extra room.
Jen
Eddy, I'm seriously worried about you. If you haven't already, you may want to seriously see what is available as far as emergency services-just in case it comes down to it. Look for overnight interm shelters, a YMCA, food pantries, and a case manager you can trust if things continue to get worse.
For internet, you might be able to use a library.
I sincerely wish there was more I can do, and hope things turn around for you soon.
Eddy, good to see you back! How are you doing? And where are you doing it?
I'll have a long post about it, but I'm in State College now and unfortunately I have accepted assistance from my family since I had no other option. I do have my own place though thank god. It's getting late and I'm tired, but I'll make a longer comment tomorrow.
Well, I'm glad you at least have your own space. Looking forward to your update! *smiles*
Jen
I don't know much about PA except that I've just driven through it. I've heard that State College is a nice place.
I was writing to a woman from Lewistown who picked up on me from another discussion board that I really loved. I don't hear from her anymore and I miss her. She was nice to write back and fourth to. Anyways, she always talked about going to State College because she felt like it was a "hip" place to go. I hope it all works out for you there.
I was glad to see you posting again.
Looking forward to your update.
I look forward to reading your update Eddy.
(08-31-2010 12:15 AM)Eddy Wrote: [ -> ]I'll have a long post about it, but I'm in State College now and unfortunately I have accepted assistance from my family since I had no other option. I do have my own place though thank god. It's getting late and I'm tired, but I'll make a longer comment tomorrow.
I am glad to see you back posting, too.
As far as accepting assistance from your family. Well, shit happens. Ya, it sucks to accept money from family/friends, but seeing other programs would not offer assistance, this is really great!
You need the help and they love you enough and care for you enough to want to help. I think that is really nice. You are so smart Eddy, you will be back on your feet in no time.
Ok, a somewhat longer overview of what is going on.
As you probably remember, my grandmother was going senile and was definitely going downhill. You also remember that things weren't going too well for me, mostly because of alcoholism and my innate laziness. The two combined? Well, yeah I think you see where this is going.
My unemployment ran out and my finances were dwindling rapidly but being stubborn I refused to see the inevitable which of course was financial collapse which has happened. I'm pretty much behind on every bill I have, but most especially rent which is almost four months behind.
Well, basically I was pretty much at the end of my rope and to be honest I have never been closer to suicide than this because there just were no other options. People suggested that I look into shelters and such but for a single male without kids that's just not going to happen, plus there's no way I could do the homeless thing.
Basically, the rest of the family got wind of my situation and offered to help (no doubt because she pressured them) so they moved me from there to the State College area. The move was an utter disaster. I wasn't nearly ready for the move because of the sheer amount of crap that was in my place. Most of said stuff was sent to me by my grandmother with good intentions but no thought of whether the things would be useful to me.
Three examples come to mind. One is this large loveseat which just didn't fit anywhere in my place and was an eyesore to boot. Second was a watering can. I do not garden and I live in an apartment so why in god's name would I even want a watering can? Third was a bunch of paper towels. She paid movers to bring me paper towels. Even the movers lifted an eyebrow when they saw that. This is only a glimpse into the sheer amount of stuff she sent which overwhelmed me.
I moved out and like I said I was not ready and they aren't patient even at the best of times yet alone having to give up a Saturday to move someone they don't like. I ended up having to abandon a lot of my stuff because there just wasn't room for it. Some of it was furniture that my grandmother sent me without asking if I even wanted it, but some was stuff that mattered like my books and jewelry collection. I ended up having to make four trips in my car to recover the books, but a lot of the jewelry I ended up throwing out simply because it wasn't worth taking. Sigh.
It really showed the disrespect they have for me when they implied my books weren't worth bothering with though (they don't know about my jewelry). I did save the best of the jewelry and of course all the books I could find but the place was still a mess. I don't want to talk much more about this but I really didn't like how they said my stuff was all junk. Go to hell. Maybe I don't own all the latest electronic crap that most people have but it's my stuff so don't call it junk.
Anyway, the place I'm in is a few miles away from State College in a tiny little village of 300 people. It's a townhouse which is actually cheaper than the place I had in Pittsburgh and larger as well. It's a really cool place and best of all, it's super quiet. The loudest things I hear are birds and crickets which is a huge contrast to where I lived with sirens and car alarms and car horns blaring all the time. I don't mind this part of it.
The real kick in the teeth for me is that they've assumed some control over me again which I hate but I had no choice. The biggie is that they have their names on the lease and are doing weekly inspections to ensure I keep the place clean since I'm not exactly noted for my rigorous housecleaning. This is really annoying but it's the golden rule. He who has the gold makes the rules.
They also gave me a cell phone which I'm sure they thought would limit me but they'll find out I am the least connected person on earth since I pretty much only use it for job interviewing. I'm sure they'll be monitoring to see who I call but I don't have anything to hide other than the fact that I have no real life friends.
My credit cards are maxed out so I'm using one which is in my grandmother's name so they will see that I'm incredibly boring and never go anywhere or buy anything. Meh. I don't think they understand that I don't live anything like a normal American so this will enlighten them.
The one really good thing is that I've stopped drinking since that's what got me to the point where this was needed. It's over two weeks now which is the longest I've gone without booze in probably 15 years. It's no coincidence that my alcoholism started right when I hit the working world. Oddly, I am feeling better than I have in years as a result of this healthwise.
This is abridged, but should give you an idea of what's going on.
Eddy, you do have real world friends. I know that you may not see some of us often, but I also know many of us here are thinking of you, holding you in our thoughts, and wishing we could do more.
I know I wish that I could have done more--or anything--to help you.
I'm glad you're in a more affordable place now, though. That's a tiny silver lining, and congrats on your two plus weeks--that is HUGE!
Jen
I'm so sorry you lost so much of your jewelry collection. I know the pieces were really important to you, and comforted you in tough times. But I'm glad you stopped drinking. Despite the leash you're on with the family controlling a lot of your bills, do you feel you're in a better place in life now? I hope so -- it will at least give you a foot up, and you can work toward getting out from under their thumbs.
Eddy, I'm sorry you're in this rough patch, but it looks like things are looking up. Being in a safe, calm quiet place and not drinking sounds absolutely perfect! Maybe you can also re-establish SOME sort of relationship with your family. Won't they be shocked to find out you're nothing like they thought, and nothing like them, either. I bet you can teach them a thing or two.
And we are ARE your real-life friends. You just haven't met us in person yet. Something else to look forward to.
Eddy, as you probably know, drinking is just one symptom of alcoholism. That's why just stopping drinking isn't usually enough, there are other issues there that cause the drinking in the first place. And if you can get a handle on real sobriety and recovery, that will help you greatly in life. It might even help you with your innate laziness! Maybe
You may know from my previous posts over the years that I grew up in an alcoholic home and was married to an alcoholic, too, and I've attended Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al Anon meetings over the years and found they really help. It's true, there is a religious element to the program, basically because addicts and codependents find it easier to replace one crutch with another, and religion is the biggest crutch on the planet. Many friends of mine have been scared away because there was a mention of god in the program, but there ARE religion-free options out there, I've found a few on the internet. Also, the way I dealt with it, the finding a "higher power" thing---they say it's however you want to interpret it, it's just that most people interpret that as Jesus. Well, you don't have to. Your higher power can be Buddah, or can even just be a better version of yourself that you strive to reach, a future version of yourself who has all his shit together and can help you get there. That's how I interpreted my higher power, just me where I wanted to be in the future. I haven't reached it completely, but, man, I'm waaaaaaaaaay closer than I was 20 odd years ago when I started. Everything is a lot better than it was in those days.
I'm keeping my post to sobriety and recovery because I really believe that's the key to you getting out of the mess you're in and embarking on a more normal life--without your family having to control you, and without you being in a financial mess. No, sobriety doesn't automatically guarantee you high paying jobs that make you happy, but sobriety can allow you to handle shitty situations better so you don't fall down so low and crash so hard. It allows you to stay in control of your life better so you don't have to listen to other people tell you your books aren't worth anything and you should just leave them behind.
I don't know if you know who the actor Peter Lawford was, he was a matinee idol in his day (1930s-1950s) and then became part of Sinatra's Rat Pack in the '60s. He died around 1980 from lifelong alcoholism, and his son Christopher Kennedy Lawford was headed down the same path. Peter Lawford was married to Pat Kennedy, so his son Christopher is a Kennedy, an actor, producer and writer, and has been a recovering alcoholic for a long time now. He has books and a blog that I subscribe to. Even though I'm not an addict, I find his perceptions on sobriety and recovery very interesting and helpful to me as a co-dependent person. If you feel like reading his stuff, you can find his blog
here, and maybe you'll find something of value to you in it. Maybe not, but it could be worth a look if you really want to keep drinking from messing things up for you in your life and you want to take back control. What's cool about sobriety is that it's free, it doesn't cost anything. AA meetings are free, finding a sponsor to talk to is free. It's pretty cool.
ITA with Anastasia. Please remember that sobriety will be a BIG part of moving forward and gaining complete independence in your life, and if memory serves, there's a program called Rational Recovery- a good option if you're not into religion and higher powers, but wish to maintain sobriety and get it together. From what I see of your personality coming through in your posts, it may be a nice fit for you. I find myself wishing you would at least give it a serious try. I know you don't like working, but for it to trigger alcoholism is puzzling to say the least-different coping skills, a different sort of job, or combo of the both may be a way to get away from the bottle if that truly is your only trigger. However, from what I've read from other posts about your family, there may be other issues that may need to be addressed as well. To be honest, I suspect that your lack of motivation, socialization and alcohol use may be tied to depression. If you have a history, now may be the time to get help again or consider ways to treat that as well. The alcoholism may be self-medication for depression, and its nothing to be ashamed of, it is a disease-just take care of yourself.
Even though you might not see it now, you're lucky that your family stepped up and assisted you-I've worked with clients who have burnt every single bridge and had to sleep under park benches and dig in dumpsters to survive. You mentioned that they moved things you had no use for-now may be the time to pawn them for cash to pay down bills or get a security deposit ready for another apartment. If you were evicted, you only have a little time before that gets recorded on your credit report and makes it that much harder to get another place.
I don't mean to offend or speculate, but as a social worker and humanitarian, your situation is killing me. Know that you are in my thoughts and keep at it.
I know this might be hard to believe, but your family does care enough to help out. At least you have a place to live now.
I can relate to your not liking work. Stress of the job itself, dealing with coworkers, bosses etc etc: it can get overwhelming. Especially when you are looking for a job and you have no idea what that possible job situation will be like. I'm unemployed as well and I go back and forth about what I want in another job. Future job HAS to be better than what jobs I had in the past, that's the bottom line.
Things will get better, even if it doesn't look like it now.
Anastasia, this is a beautiful post, and I feel everything you say is so true.
I've been working on recovering from my own codependency for about a year now, but have not felt brave enough to seek out an Al-Anon group yet. Well, I say "brave," but what I really mean is I have not gotten my general hostility toward strangers under control enough to want to be around a bunch of them yet.
Jen M.
(09-06-2010 04:19 PM)anastasia Wrote: [ -> ]Eddy, as you probably know, drinking is just one symptom of alcoholism. That's why just stopping drinking isn't usually enough, there are other issues there that cause the drinking in the first place. And if you can get a handle on real sobriety and recovery, that will help you greatly in life. It might even help you with your innate laziness! Maybe
You may know from my previous posts over the years that I grew up in an alcoholic home and was married to an alcoholic, too, and I've attended Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al Anon meetings over the years and found they really help. It's true, there is a religious element to the program, basically because addicts and codependents find it easier to replace one crutch with another, and religion is the biggest crutch on the planet. Many friends of mine have been scared away because there was a mention of god in the program, but there ARE religion-free options out there, I've found a few on the internet. Also, the way I dealt with it, the finding a "higher power" thing---they say it's however you want to interpret it, it's just that most people interpret that as Jesus. Well, you don't have to. Your higher power can be Buddah, or can even just be a better version of yourself that you strive to reach, a future version of yourself who has all his shit together and can help you get there. That's how I interpreted my higher power, just me where I wanted to be in the future. I haven't reached it completely, but, man, I'm waaaaaaaaaay closer than I was 20 odd years ago when I started. Everything is a lot better than it was in those days.
I'm keeping my post to sobriety and recovery because I really believe that's the key to you getting out of the mess you're in and embarking on a more normal life--without your family having to control you, and without you being in a financial mess. No, sobriety doesn't automatically guarantee you high paying jobs that make you happy, but sobriety can allow you to handle shitty situations better so you don't fall down so low and crash so hard. It allows you to stay in control of your life better so you don't have to listen to other people tell you your books aren't worth anything and you should just leave them behind.
I don't know if you know who the actor Peter Lawford was, he was a matinee idol in his day (1930s-1950s) and then became part of Sinatra's Rat Pack in the '60s. He died around 1980 from lifelong alcoholism, and his son Christopher Kennedy Lawford was headed down the same path. Peter Lawford was married to Pat Kennedy, so his son Christopher is a Kennedy, an actor, producer and writer, and has been a recovering alcoholic for a long time now. He has books and a blog that I subscribe to. Even though I'm not an addict, I find his perceptions on sobriety and recovery very interesting and helpful to me as a co-dependent person. If you feel like reading his stuff, you can find his blog here, and maybe you'll find something of value to you in it. Maybe not, but it could be worth a look if you really want to keep drinking from messing things up for you in your life and you want to take back control. What's cool about sobriety is that it's free, it doesn't cost anything. AA meetings are free, finding a sponsor to talk to is free. It's pretty cool.