Wow. I am having a really tough month. We are losing too many good people!
First off, there's the Gulf Oil Spill. No, that did not happen in June, but it's been a big topic for me this month, for a multitude of reasons. I don't read much about it, and I don't look at pictures of it. I'm dealing with it with prayer and by donating a piece of jewelry for a fundraiser.
Saturday, the best boss I have ever had in my life passed away from lung cancer. We all knew this was coming, but you always hope you will have more time with people. I'll be going to her memorial in a couple of weeks. The company (she was the owner,) I'm told, is continuing. I didn't ask in detail, but I suspect she left it to either the whole staff or the woman who was her right hand for so many years. Either way, I'm happy they are continuing with the same management and the same philosophy. They are good people, and the corporate culture of this business is rare in that field. She will be sorely missed.
Then, Monday, a beloved coworker from my current place of employment passed away from brain cancer. None of us saw THIS coming. We knew he was sick, and we knew he had left because of his illness, but none of us were ready. I'm waiting for information, so that I can send his family a card (and flowers, if I can afford them.) He is one of the sweetest people I have ever worked with. Everybody loved him, and we are all crushed.
This has been a really fucked up week. Thank you for listening.
Jen M.
Hugs to you! I'm sorry to hear this.
My main regret is that I did not get to know the coworker better outside of work. The boss, I had kept in touch with off and on over the years.
...And thank goodness those actually CLOSE to me are OK, though I was very worried about my mom for a while.
When it rains it pours!
Jen
I'm so sorry to hear. Some months can be unusually rough - and societal tragedies just help reinforce those negative feelings.
I wouldn't worry so much about sending flowers, as while they might be appreciated I would think that a nicely worded letter describing how much you thought of your coworker would mean a lot more and would be treasured forever. Put in a few events, stories, or memories of that person so that his family will have something specific to remember, because the most we can hope for in our lives is that we will be remembered fondly and for a long time.
Ziggy, you are so right. If I get the info, I'll send a note. There's not a LOT I can say, but there are some things that should make his family feel better.
Meanwhile, both announcements are going into my journal, along with a photo of my ex boss.
Jen M.
(((hugs))) In 2007 there were three deaths in quick succession -- my cousin in May, my coworker, Philip, in June and my friend Angela in November. Philip's death was *very* hard on me, as I saw him every day, and although he wasn't a 'friend' in the visit/hang out with sort of way, I loved him very much and I NOTICED his absence. I gave the eulogy at his funeral and I miss him very much.
To this day, whenever I think about him, my heart feels ... full? Like it's bursting? I don't know how to describe it. With Angela, with whom I was MUCH closer... I feel almost nothing. It's been a huge struggle for me, because I couldn't understand why I felt that with Philip's spirit but not with hers.
I'm SOOOO sorry about the thread hijack, but I'm going to crosspost a *long* article I wrote one day after I meditated on it... perhaps it will be of some comfort to you.
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Matters of the Metaphysical Heart
Last year, when I was visiting my beloved Darcy in Kelowna BC, she did a psychic reading for me, and apparently brought through Angela. She kept telling me Angela was pointing to the heart and asking me to focus on the heart. I pooh poohed it, said that didn't sound much like Angela, and Darcy laughed. Said she could only pass on what she saw and that's what she saw. Whether or not I understood it was another matter altogether.
I went to a couple of other psychics since Angela died, and both of them ALSO told me that Angela was throwing hearts and me, and something else about the HEART. Angela was not a terribly touchy-feely person, and we sure as hell didn't have a relationship that focused on the heart, so it was kind of out in left field that she'd spring this one on me in death when she never did in life. I get expressions like "have your heart broken" and "filled up my heart" but on the whole, I don't get it. And I don't get it as how it relates to Angela.
It's maddening. I don't know what it means. I am a VERY logical and literal person. A heart is the organ in your chest that beats and pumps blood through you. I don't understand the metaphysical heart and I sure as hell don't get what Angela is doing talking about it.
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So the last few weeks I wound up reading a lot of Deepak Chopra, and somehow (in a hypoglycemic stupor, I'm sure, as I don't remember doing it) bought a bunch of his books off Amazon. One is called The Path to Love and one whole chapter goes on and on about the metaphysical heart, and meditations for the heart. Probably more like 'the heart chakra' instead of the heart, proper. I've been doing them the last few nights, and it's quite comforting, although my mind constantly wanders. I have been meditating for enough years to know that's okay, and you just refocus on the spot after you are done wandering. So it's been good. Comforting. And I feel like I'm taking a stab at understanding what these psychics and Angela herself is on about.
What's odd is that when I think about Angela, I don't feel much of anything. When I think about Phillip, the coworker/friend of mine who died five months before Angela did, I feel my chest fill up and it feels as though it's bursting. I've always felt that way. I suppose that is what they call it when they say the spirit is WITH you. I often feel like Phillip is WITH me. I feel like I am full of LOVE or the essence of him or the love he brings. I feel like my heart is full. It's the oddest sensation, and quite inexplicable, considering my friendship with Phillip was workaday, at best, and in many ways, I didn't know him at all. I knew Angela for decades and we'd been through so much more together. Phillip was a guy I worked with. Phillip and I were friendly, but Angela was A FRIEND.
And yet it's Phillip's energy that comes through WHENEVER I summon it. It's so very strange. The best way to describe it would be I think of him and instantly in my mind's eye, I see an image of him and he's smiling and he's comfortable and warm and surrounded by a glow. And he's full of love. And my heart is almost immediately full of love. And in that way -- ONLY in that way -- do I seem to understand the concept of the metaphysical heart.
I feel as if Phillip is with me. And that he loves me. And that that love is a renewing force. Weird weird weird.
In the book, Deepak talks about why people love each other. You could say it's ACTIONS or BEHAVIOURS, but some people will continue to love even when the actions or behaviours change. You could say it's essence, but essence can change too. He touches on romantic and sexual love, but on the whole focuses on spiritual love, the essence of LIFE and how that thing, that LOVE is dependent on nothing and conditional on nothing. It just is. It's like the absence of negativity.
I am NOT explaining this properly at all. I'm doing a piss poor job, as a matter of fact. But I think what he was getting at is that pure love (god's love, if you are into the god thing, or "google's love", if you are me) loves because it simply cannot NOT love. It's got nothing to do with the recipient and everything to do with the nature of love itself.
I have struggled with the concept of 'lovableness' in my life. My mother always tells me I'm lovable (LOL) and I've had boyfriends tell me that and I've been loved in large and wonderful ways which would lead me to believe I'm lovable.
But there is a huge divide between those few instances and the rest of the time. The rest of the time, I am surrounded by a decided lack of love. Or shall I say THE ACTIONS that I am fixated on should be 'showing' me I am loved. I have friends and family who do not show their love through actions (ie a father who has never once visited me, vacationed with me etc.) and I am not tapped into the LOVE that is in the air. I choose, instead, to focus on the lack of actions.
Which is funny, because if what is going on with Phillip is what I THINK is going on, then Phillip is just manifesting love because that's WHAT HE IS, and I can tap into that at will. It's not about me at all. He's like the sun, shining, and if I open the blinds up, it will shine on me. But it shines whether or not I'm paying it any mind.
***
I work in a completely loveless environment. No one there loves their job, and if you grey-toned the whole place, no one would even notice. I remember the vibrant colours of being on the road trip last summer. I remember wildly red sunsets and green Redwood trees and the deep blue Pacific ocean. I think about work and damned if I can even tell you what colour the walls are there. It's colourless and loveless.
I understand that I can soak up the love no matter where I am, but it's hard being in that place. I suppose the solution might lie in closing my eyes and going over to wherever Phillip is sitting, because that seems to be where the light is shining. And it's apparently mine for the taking.
That's beautiful, Jo. I remember that year when you had those losses so close together. Very rough!
Phillip sounds like a remarkable soul.
Jen M.