05-23-2010, 11:16 AM
In my shoes: Child free, and content, by choice
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IN MY SHOES PAGE
This is not an anti-mothers column. It is not an anti-children column.
It is a column about women -- like me -- who decided not to have children in a society where so much emphasis is placed on motherhood.
Few up-to-date statistics are available to indicate how many women have made this choice. But based on anecdotal evidence, the number appears to be growing.
Even as more women choose not to have children, some people still make a lot of assumptions about our choice.
Ida Dupont, an associate professor of criminal justice/sociology at Pace University in New York, is doing research for a book about the topic.
Dupont, who is child free by choice, has done extensive interviews with about 50 women and couples. Her early findings indicate that some child-free people feel stigmatized. Some said they felt there was an assumption that people who choose to be child free are selfish and perhaps even hate children.
"Those who think we are selfish probably aren't seeing the whole picture," said Kristina Morden of Arlington.
Morden, 43 and single, listed in an e-mail some of the ways she spends her time -- assisting at a soup kitchen, serving in the Peace Corps, and helping friends with their kids. She also has a long list of groups she donates money to each year.
"As child free, I think it's easier to plug into community needs in a more objective manner because your resources aren't competing with your family," Morden said.
Amy Adler, 40, also of Arlington, said, "There are many ways to make a difference in a child's life, and parenting is only one of those ways."
"Some child-free people are teachers, tutors, big brothers, big sisters, babysitters, aunts, uncles, etc.," said Adler, who has been married for 10 years and chose not to have children.
It's not always easy to explain to others why we've made the choice not to have children. Then again, we really shouldn't feel obligated to explain.
Imagine having a friend or a co-worker tell you that she's pregnant and asking her why she decided to have children. That would be unacceptable. Yet people who still assume all women want to have children ask all sorts of odd questions.
Most of the women interviewed for this column said their families and close friends understand and even support their decision. The questions, they said, usually come for acquaintances.
Though single now, Morden was once engaged. She said when some people learned that she was engaged, they would ask her when she was going to have a child before even asking about her wedding date.
Richmond's Jennifer Thomas got married in 2000. She and her husband decided not to have children. When he died five years later, Thomas said people questioned their decision.
"I got many comments from well-meaning people asking me if I now regretted my choice, since [if we'd had children], I would at least have something of him left behind," she recalled.
Karen Chase, 39, who was married in her 20s, said while her parents accepted her decision not to have children, her in-laws weren't as understanding.
"They never understood why we weren't popping [a baby] out in the first nine months of marriage," said Chase, who recently moved to Richmond. "My mother-in-law actually told me once to go stand next to some pregnant cousins in the hopes that [their pregnancy] would 'rub off.'"
Chase, now in a relationship with a man who has grown children, said she was relieved when she found out he didn't want more. "It was great to finally get 'having children' off the table."
While Chase said her decision wasn't based on a list of pros and cons, she admits there are what some would call advantages to not having children.
"For me, not having children meant being able to simply experience more personally, and make choices with more flexibility," she said. "It was about finding balance, and I didn't think I could do all these things and be the great parent my parents were."
I understand what she means. My husband and I have relocated due to career (mostly mine) five times in our 24-year marriage. It would have been cruel to uproot a child that many times.
I'm not saying that career flexibility is necessarily more important. But flexibility was a byproduct of the choice we made years before.
However, our choice has its disadvantages.
Dupont said some couples in her research expressed concern about the future, particularly growing old. But most were quick to point out that having children is no guarantee for being cared for in old age.
Chase and others said another drawback is the difficulty of making friends. "Women with children tend to associate with women with children."
However, Morden said being child free allows her to spend quality time with some of her friend's children. She said she doesn't baby sit for friends, she considers herself a "child-borrower."
I have lots of options to borrow children if I want. My three brothers, two sisters and my husband's sister and brother all have children. And I've been lucky to make friends with a few women who have children.
I even joined two mommy-focused Facebook pages so I could connect with the women who make up the majority of our readership.
In fact, one of the mothers' groups invited me to join. When I accepted the invitation, I made it clear that I didn't have children. So far they haven't "unfriended" me.
Related Info
IN MY SHOES PAGE
This is not an anti-mothers column. It is not an anti-children column.
It is a column about women -- like me -- who decided not to have children in a society where so much emphasis is placed on motherhood.
Few up-to-date statistics are available to indicate how many women have made this choice. But based on anecdotal evidence, the number appears to be growing.
Even as more women choose not to have children, some people still make a lot of assumptions about our choice.
Ida Dupont, an associate professor of criminal justice/sociology at Pace University in New York, is doing research for a book about the topic.
Dupont, who is child free by choice, has done extensive interviews with about 50 women and couples. Her early findings indicate that some child-free people feel stigmatized. Some said they felt there was an assumption that people who choose to be child free are selfish and perhaps even hate children.
"Those who think we are selfish probably aren't seeing the whole picture," said Kristina Morden of Arlington.
Morden, 43 and single, listed in an e-mail some of the ways she spends her time -- assisting at a soup kitchen, serving in the Peace Corps, and helping friends with their kids. She also has a long list of groups she donates money to each year.
"As child free, I think it's easier to plug into community needs in a more objective manner because your resources aren't competing with your family," Morden said.
Amy Adler, 40, also of Arlington, said, "There are many ways to make a difference in a child's life, and parenting is only one of those ways."
"Some child-free people are teachers, tutors, big brothers, big sisters, babysitters, aunts, uncles, etc.," said Adler, who has been married for 10 years and chose not to have children.
It's not always easy to explain to others why we've made the choice not to have children. Then again, we really shouldn't feel obligated to explain.
Imagine having a friend or a co-worker tell you that she's pregnant and asking her why she decided to have children. That would be unacceptable. Yet people who still assume all women want to have children ask all sorts of odd questions.
Most of the women interviewed for this column said their families and close friends understand and even support their decision. The questions, they said, usually come for acquaintances.
Though single now, Morden was once engaged. She said when some people learned that she was engaged, they would ask her when she was going to have a child before even asking about her wedding date.
Richmond's Jennifer Thomas got married in 2000. She and her husband decided not to have children. When he died five years later, Thomas said people questioned their decision.
"I got many comments from well-meaning people asking me if I now regretted my choice, since [if we'd had children], I would at least have something of him left behind," she recalled.
Karen Chase, 39, who was married in her 20s, said while her parents accepted her decision not to have children, her in-laws weren't as understanding.
"They never understood why we weren't popping [a baby] out in the first nine months of marriage," said Chase, who recently moved to Richmond. "My mother-in-law actually told me once to go stand next to some pregnant cousins in the hopes that [their pregnancy] would 'rub off.'"
Chase, now in a relationship with a man who has grown children, said she was relieved when she found out he didn't want more. "It was great to finally get 'having children' off the table."
While Chase said her decision wasn't based on a list of pros and cons, she admits there are what some would call advantages to not having children.
"For me, not having children meant being able to simply experience more personally, and make choices with more flexibility," she said. "It was about finding balance, and I didn't think I could do all these things and be the great parent my parents were."
I understand what she means. My husband and I have relocated due to career (mostly mine) five times in our 24-year marriage. It would have been cruel to uproot a child that many times.
I'm not saying that career flexibility is necessarily more important. But flexibility was a byproduct of the choice we made years before.
However, our choice has its disadvantages.
Dupont said some couples in her research expressed concern about the future, particularly growing old. But most were quick to point out that having children is no guarantee for being cared for in old age.
Chase and others said another drawback is the difficulty of making friends. "Women with children tend to associate with women with children."
However, Morden said being child free allows her to spend quality time with some of her friend's children. She said she doesn't baby sit for friends, she considers herself a "child-borrower."
I have lots of options to borrow children if I want. My three brothers, two sisters and my husband's sister and brother all have children. And I've been lucky to make friends with a few women who have children.
I even joined two mommy-focused Facebook pages so I could connect with the women who make up the majority of our readership.
In fact, one of the mothers' groups invited me to join. When I accepted the invitation, I made it clear that I didn't have children. So far they haven't "unfriended" me.