Water lily,
I would suspect that she has someone in her family who is an alcoholic, and she can't differentiate between healthy drinking and too much. As a result she overreacts to those who drink as a coping mechanism. I think that it's fair not to drink in her company if you don't mind, as hanging out with friends is more about the company than the food or drink. I have a friend who grew up in an alcoholic family so I tend to minimize my alcohol consumption around her, mostly because I know that she doesn't drink at all and I respect that about our friendship. She's okay with it if we do have a drink, but I know it's more fun to spend time with her when I'm completely sober.
NKB (((hugs))) Living and loving a person with an addiction can be one of the most difficult things in the world. Sitting down and being totally honest seems to be the best approach. Explaining how his behaviors are so hurtful to you is always a good start.
My DH has probably been tipsy once in his life. I quit drinking 2 years ago. Neither of us care if people drink in front of us, but I do notice that a lot of people seem to care is we do not drink with them. Strange. We have lost a few friends because of this. My experience is:
Drinkers love to be around fellow drinkers.
Whatever.
My dad is an alcoholic. He was the weekend-binge-drinker. He never drank and drove, never missed a day of work, was never physically abusive, but so many weekends would be complete nightmares. It was miserable when he drank. Well, the first couple of hours, he would laugh and be tons of fun, joking around and really upbeat, but somewhere between the 4-5 drink, his personality would turn. When he hit that point is was downhill from there. He would become angry, complaining about everything and verbally abusive....and when confronted, of course, DEFENSIVE! I found him so incredibly mean and ugly when he drank, but my mom put up with it for 25+ years! THAT, IMO, is pathetic.
So many special parties, events, trips were ruined by his drinking, but my mom continually made excuses for him: "It's only the weekend", "We didn't have anything special planned anyway" "At least he isn't physically abusive" "Everyone else was drinking" "It was a _____ celebration" "He works so hard all week" "He doesn't drink and drive" etc.........UNREAL.
My mom made a choice to live that lifestyle. She had a lot of education and an amazing job she could have taken in a heartbeat, but, seeing my dad made even more money and had terrific perks and benefits, it was easier to make excuses to stay. Plus, I want to think she loved him. Moving out would have meant she would have had to make changes in her lifestyle (material things) and she didn't want to do that, so she stayed.
I would try the Al-anon meetings and see what you think. They are not for everyone. When I quit drinking I went to a couple AA meeting, but didn't like them. I was able to quit drinking without the 12 steps and the sponsor and all that stuff. My option was quit drinking or quit my marriage. Quitting drinking seemed easier for me.
Like others have said-if your DH hangs around friends that get plastered-he is probably going to quit hanging around them when he decides not to drink. He will see they are not funny and witty. He will tire of them very quickly. Soon he will see how much fun it is and how amazing he feels not to drink.
I wish you the best NKB-this can be an extremely tough thing to deal with (((hugs)))
(06-21-2011 04:15 PM)beachbum Wrote: [ -> ]So many special parties, events, trips were ruined by his drinking, but my mom continually made excuses for him: "It's only the weekend", "We didn't have anything special planned anyway" "At least he isn't physically abusive" "Everyone else was drinking" "It was a _____ celebration" "He works so hard all week" "He doesn't drink and drive" etc.........UNREAL.
As they say, "denial ain't just a river in Egypt." Man, I was so full of denial, with my mother, with my ex-husband, etc. Denial has got to be one of the most destructive forces in an addict situation. It keeps everyone stuck in a kind of miserable glue, unable to find the courage to pull yourself out and make a positive change. I fucking hate denial, dammit. It's mean.
You're probably right. I admit I was a bit like this for a while after my ex and I split up, and alcohol still triggers me in some situations. (I don't like having it in the house.)
I would never tell the people around me what to do, though, and it does not stop me from having a drink now and then. I drink a LOOOT less than I used to, though!
Jen M.
(06-21-2011 01:29 AM)Ziggy Wrote: [ -> ]Water lily,
I would suspect that she has someone in her family who is an alcoholic, and she can't differentiate between healthy drinking and too much. As a result she overreacts to those who drink as a coping mechanism. I think that it's fair not to drink in her company if you don't mind, as hanging out with friends is more about the company than the food or drink. I have a friend who grew up in an alcoholic family so I tend to minimize my alcohol consumption around her, mostly because I know that she doesn't drink at all and I respect that about our friendship. She's okay with it if we do have a drink, but I know it's more fun to spend time with her when I'm completely sober.
These "friends" sent us a photo of her behind the wheel with a bottle in her hand. How the hell am I supposed to respond to that? I abhor drinking and driving but to send a photo of you doing just that? I just don't know what to do.
We recently had a falling out but made up. I'm wondering now if it's worth it. I don't think that it is.
They hate religion of any kind, gays, interracial couples...the list goes on and on.
I think it's time to lose them. They really are total polar opposites of everything DH and I stand for. Time to cut the cord.
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Why did they send it? Do they know how you feel about drinking and driving? If they know you abhor it then likely they are doing it because they would prefer that the friendship be over, and they're trying to fuck with you. I have no idea how else to interpret something so awful. I wouldn't even respond (because that might be what they want) - I would just not respond to them anymore, unless they call or email you directly and I would say "I'm sorry, we're busy now. Maybe next month?" I wouldn't just cut with them openly because they seem to want confrontation and I would try to deny that to them.
Assholes like that just aren't worth a minute of your time. It really, really is as simple as that.
Agree with Ziggy and Anastasia. Let them go with no confrontation. Just drift away . . .
I have no idea why they sent it and no, we did not respond.
I'd have to agree. This sounds like the rotten cherry on top of a shit cake.
I probably would not respond at all if I had been on the receiving end of that photo. That's just deeply disturbing.
Jen M.
(10-16-2011 09:33 PM)NKBurlington Wrote: [ -> ]These "friends" sent us a photo of her behind the wheel with a bottle in her hand. How the hell am I supposed to respond to that? I abhor drinking and driving but to send a photo of you doing just that? I just don't know what to do.
We recently had a falling out but made up. I'm wondering now if it's worth it. I don't think that it is.
They hate religion of any kind, gays, interracial couples...the list goes on and on.
I think it's time to lose them. They really are total polar opposites of everything DH and I stand for. Time to cut the cord.
They hate gays and interracial couples? ?? I'm with anastasia - these people are not worth your time. The drinking is one of only what sounds like several reasons to drop them.
(10-17-2011 10:00 AM)Bittercat Wrote: [ -> ]I'd have to agree. This sounds like the rotten cherry on top of a shit cake.
No kidding about that.
BYE!!!!
Nothing about them sound fun or funny or smart. Gross. Get rid of them. Drunk driving or even tipsy driving is just a risk and just a matter of time before an accident happens.
Yeah. They never used to be so intolerant or ignorant. Otherwise, I would not have hung out with them.
Not sure what happened to them.
NKB, I have heard of other people going from relatively normal to intolerant bigotry. Makes you wonder if they were hiding it all along, or if they suddenly got "religion."
I think the thing that offends me the most about this is what if you were someone who had lost a loved one to a drunk driver, FFS? I mean, did they stop to think of that?
Ugh. Obnoxious.
Jen M.