No, you are not overreacting.
I have some very good friends who can be heavy drinkers, and I choose to spend time with them usually during the day or when their kids are there... anytime when the drinking will be minimized. (and yes, I'd rather be with them and their kids than with them alone when they are drunk). I once made the mistake of going to a new year's eve party with them, and my BFF was loaded-trashed beyond words, and they were trying to bully me into drinking shooters. It was really something to behold, because she KNOWS my feelings, but it all went out the window when she was drunk. I remember her shoving the shot glass in my face and saying, "You are drinking this" and I said, "Uh, NO I'M NOT". Battle of the wills, but it just gets ugly when you try and argue with a drunk. She shot me a dirty look and drank it herself. Didn't remember any of it the next morning.
Another friend of ours just went into rehab, but took a break (yes, a break from rehab) to party hard on her birthday. I was invited but I refused to go. I know where that road leads.
You definitely aren't over-reacting. Anyone who violated my space that way would be told to go get me another drink (the one that I had in the first place) and if they didn't get it would not be asked to return.
You are NOT overreacting! That person is not a friend, that person is a jerk. A jerk with a funny little drinking problem.
My DH's ex-wife has a funny little drinking problem, and when they'd go out, she'd get totally wasted every single time. My DH isn't into that at all, and he'd have maybe one drink and then stick to water or soda for the rest of the time. She'd get in his face and demand to know why he wasn't drinking, and tell him he obviously couldn't have a good time unless he was drinking. It was one of the many things that broke them up, her drinking and her insistence that he drink as much as she did or she'd give him shit. She enjoyed drinking until someone had to carry her. Like a baby. And drunks really are like little babies, or toddlers, they enjoy sucking from a bottle and being helpless and stupid and being taken care of. When I was in ACoA meetings, they would talk about how the alcoholic usually had some kind of trauma in childhood, basically freezing them emotionally in place at that age, it makes perfect sense that the alcohol assault on their brains allows them to go back to a time when they were dumb and boring and had no sense of responsibility and threw tantrums.
Recently he's found her on Facebook and can see her wall posts, and nearly every single post is about her getting drunk the night before and not remembering anything, or being hungover, or her friends telling her how drunk she was when they saw her and ain't that the funniest and cutest thing evah! Well, she's about 44 years old, I think she's gone well into "pathetic" and "needs a meeting" territory. But since all the people she chooses to socialize with are equally drunk, she sees no need to assess her life.
And of course, my ex-husband is a raging alcoholic. When he'd be drinking he didn't seem to care that I wasn't drinking along with him, though. More for him, I guess. But then I remember sometimes he'd complain that since I don't get drunk I don't know how to have fun, and when we were getting divorced he told all of our friends we broke up because I didn't know how to par-TAY and have fun and get drunk like he did. He left out the fact that he had a girlfriend and was cheating on me. Rather convenient. He loved living in New Orleans because he got nothing but moral support to drink as much as possible every single day. The locals gave him pats on the back for being a raging drunk just like they were, and the tourists we encountered every day, because we owned a tour company, also gave him props because they came to New Orleans specifically to get drunk and piss and vomit on the doorsteps of America's oldest cathedral or on million dollar homes. I was the only person in his circle who wasn't a drunk, so he thought the problem was with me.
Ugh. People who drink to excess are not invited to my home or into my life, at least not completely. I have one friend here in San Diego who is in his 40s but acts like a frat guy. When he associates with us, it is during a sober time, when he's going out to drink we do not go with him.
Having been with an alcoholic for 10 years, I can relate a lot to what Jo is saying.
My friendships do not revolve around booze, and I try to avoid people who I recognize as being potentially...a problem. That said, both my boyfriend and I do drink socially, as do our friends. Whether I drink or not depends on my mood, how I feel physically, and the activity. Most of the time, I do not drink. Every once in a while, I really tie one on. It just depends on the context.
People who drink too much or drink too much in certain situations or who act too weird when buzzed make me extremely uncomfortable, but I don't teetotal or avoid people who drink. I'm just...selective and careful.
Hope that makes sense.
Jen M.
(05-07-2010 08:30 AM)Jo Wrote: [ -> ]Booze is a HUGE factor in my friendships. Yes, more important that children. I was raised in an alcoholic family, I was in relationships with alcoholics and drank myself stupid through most of my 20s. I remember it was a conscious decision for me to live a different life, and that included ridding myself of my drinking buddies and finding new and real friends. It was VERY hard. I still work at it. I don't date men who drink which basically means I don't date. It's shocking what a drinking culture I live in. I do not want to live a life where the people in my life get in the door and go to the fridge and reach for a beer and then say hello in that order. That is usually a big red flag for me. Unlike Ziggy, I don't have a lot of experience with people who get 'silly' when they drink, but rather get abusive or pass out or otherwise extreme behaviours.
As a result I live a pretty solitary life. I don't generally like being around people who drink. It's not fun for me.
That was way out of line, IMO. I would have been pissed and very offended!
Jen M.
(05-24-2010 11:59 AM)NKBurlington Wrote: [ -> ]Yesterday, I was a tad hung over from the night before. I didn't really have that much to drink but I guess it just didn't sit well with me. We were at a friend's place for a BBQ and I guess the combination of sun and booze got to me more than I thought.
Anyway, we had some friends over for a BBQ and I said to my husband once D&F see that I'm drinking club soda rather than wine, I'll never hear the end of it. Well, sure enough, they weren't here one minute and D made some comment - somewhat jokingly, but I knew he would - about me not drinking and they were not going to stay if I wasn't drinking. I knew one of them would say something like that. I know he was just fooling around, but still.
Then, he takes my glass of club soda and empties it into the garden and says something like "Now don't be such a girl and go in there and get some wine". I'm like, what just happened? Did you really just take my glass of club soda and throw it into the grass? Nice. He would not leave me alone.
I said to DH that if we didn't drink at all, I bet they wouldn't even want to hang around with us. I mean, I like my wine. There is no denying that and anyone that knows me knows this . If for whatever reason, I don't feel like drinking wine, I don't. It's not like I HAVE to drink it but I do enjoy it.
I just thought it was very rude and unnecessary for him to toss my club soda away.
I can only imagine what would have happened had I done that to him - or god forbid, his wife.
Actually, having read through this more, I've realized that I get triggered by certain things. My BF like Amaretto, and we both like things like rum and Bailey's. Every once in a while, we will buy a bottle to keep in the house. One bottle of..whatever...lasts us months; however, I'm VERY uncomfortable having alcohol in the house.
When I do drink my limit is between 1 and 4 drinks or beers. I drink less than once a month, and when I don't, I don't miss it. For a while, I could not set foot in a liquor store. The first time I did, I burst into tears and had to leave.
So...yeah. I really try to minimize that, but I can't and won't try to control what my BF does. He doesn't have a problem with alcohol, though.
Jen M.
And the other part of NKB's incident: "Don't be such a girl..."
I just LOVE how that is an insult! Seriously, you are going to change my mind and/or behavior by accusing me of being a girl? How about, Don't be such a dick!?
Haha! Paloma, I love that response!
Jen M.
DH & I were at the pub with these same "friends" a week or so ago and she was going on and on about how hammered she was a couple of nights before. She seemed almost proud of it and said she was so hung over the next day that she called in sick.
I just kind of rolled of my eyes at her and she said, "What? You don't go on a ripper on a school night?" Um, I rarely go on a ripper at all.
Like I said before, and in the alcoholic thread, I like my wine and I like my cocktails. I enjoy a couple of glasses of wine a night and a few cocktails on the weekend however, I DO NOT drink every day and I do not drink to excess.
When they come back from up north every weekend, they talk about their drinking exploits and how he was hammered one night and she was hammered the next night and he fell off the dock and she fell off the boat and how funny that is. HA HA HA.
What's the point?
I don't enjoy their company very much any more. I almost feel out of place if I don't have a drink in my hand when we are together.
The most dramatic shift in my life occurred when I went from living life in a drinking culture to living life in a non-drinking culture. Hands down. Nothing even comes close, not graduating college, getting a decent job, moving... nothing.
It's so pervasive in the culture.
I have an opposite problem I suppose. I have several friends who don't drink because of religious reasons. That's fine but it does bother me the way they can get really preachy about. For example, they refuse to pay for anyone's alcohol if we go out to dinner and split the bill. Ok, again, fine, but they are very vocal about it.
Then if I order a drink, my friend looks at me in a joking way and calls me an "alcoholic" and that bothers me tremendously. I've gotten to the point where I almost never order alcohol around these people because I feel uncomfortable and sadly, I do start to feel like a lush if I order a drink. Heaven forbid I order more that one. But I digress. I usually wind up driving places anyway so I am usually not drinking around them. My friend is "scared" to drive long distance. She told me that yesterday. I don't mean to be picking on her a lot lately. I'm sorry but she's been irritating me these past few days. My apologies.
When I hang with my sister and other people, alcohol is almost ALWAYS involved. I think it would be a shock to my friend's system if she saw what really goes on. My sister and I and some other ladies went to the Caribbean in March and I kid you not, we drank from the time we got on the plane until our last day there. No one threw up. No one got sickeningly drunk but we all relaxed and had a good time...responsibly.
But alcohol has it's downside. I hooked up with a guy I knew because of alcohol, or rather alcohol got the ball rolling and I would up making out with him. Had I not drank, I don't think I would have did anything. I secretly liked this guy but I knew he was trouble. Had I not drank around him, I would never have done anything.
But as a general rule, I tend not to drink around people who don't drink and vice versa. It makes me feel uncomfortable to drink in the company of those who aren't even if it's only one drink. What about you guys? Do you feel the same way?
Apparently I don't know any people who don't drink at all. There are a shitload of responsible drinkers in my family, but we don't live near them.
We do meet new people from time to time. So far they have all turned to be drunks. One reason we have no friends.
(05-24-2010 11:59 AM)NKBurlington Wrote: [ -> ]Yesterday, I was a tad hung over from the night before. I didn't really have that much to drink but I guess it just didn't sit well with me. We were at a friend's place for a BBQ and I guess the combination of sun and booze got to me more than I thought.
Anyway, we had some friends over for a BBQ and I said to my husband once D&F see that I'm drinking club soda rather than wine, I'll never hear the end of it. Well, sure enough, they weren't here one minute and D made some comment - somewhat jokingly, but I knew he would - about me not drinking and they were not going to stay if I wasn't drinking. I knew one of them would say something like that. I know he was just fooling around, but still.
Then, he takes my glass of club soda and empties it into the garden and says something like "Now don't be such a girl and go in there and get some wine". I'm like, what just happened? Did you really just take my glass of club soda and throw it into the grass? Nice. He would not leave me alone.
I said to DH that if we didn't drink at all, I bet they wouldn't even want to hang around with us. I mean, I like my wine. There is no denying that and anyone that knows me knows this . If for whatever reason, I don't feel like drinking wine, I don't. It's not like I HAVE to drink it but I do enjoy it.
I just thought it was very rude and unnecessary for him to toss my club soda away.
1. you are a grown woman and perfectly capable of deciding what you want to drink or not to drink
2. Stuff said like that in a joking way isn't really a joke. Just because they are hiding it in a "joke" they are still being terribly rude. And it doesn't make it "ok" just because it was a joke. These people are guests of yours and they do that? They hang out with you and pick on you about what you are drinking or not drinking? Really? Rude.
3. If someone did that to me in
my house when I invited them over they would be asked to leave. I don't put up with bull shit like this from my friends (and really what friends do something like that?) ever. If they wouldn't leave I would leave and not come back until they left and boy they had better leave within a stated time that I gave them or I'd be calling the cops. And they would never be invited over again. Who acts like this to your friend? You may think I'm overreacting but this people are being incredibly rude and there is no way I would just take it.
And to be honest, these people are likely alcoholics as well. They aren't happy unless other people are drinking; they drink to excess regularly; they miss work because of drinking.
There is a
big difference between social drinking and alcoholism.
I'm very lucky that way. I have some friends who don't drink at all but nobody asks them about it, it's almost as though they were being asked if they wanted a glass of milk or juice and if you do then they hand you one. In fact we asked one guy what he wanted to drink and he said that he doesn't drink and my coworker looked at him like he was crazy and said "Well, you must at least drink water. Or juice? Pop? It's up to you."
Water Lily it would drive me crazy if someone told me that I was an alcoholic for having one drink. I work with people who don't drink for religious reasons, and friends who don't drink because of family reasons (grew up with alcoholics), but I guess it's easier for them not to take offense at our consumption of alcohol when we do it responsibly and don't mind that they don't drink.
I just thought of something else This couple does, primarily him though.
If we're getting ready to leave their place he always asks if we want one for the road. First of all, I don't drink and drive and second of all, when we say we want to leave, we want to leave but they practically force feed DH another shot of something before we leave.
Ugh.
The preachy teetotalers are just as bad, WL! I'm sorry you have to put up with that person.
Welcome, Serena. Good post!
Jen M.
(06-19-2011 01:32 PM)Water Lily Wrote: [ -> ]But as a general rule, I tend not to drink around people who don't drink and vice versa. It makes me feel uncomfortable to drink in the company of those who aren't even if it's only one drink. What about you guys? Do you feel the same way?
I don't base drinking decisions on my company - I just do what I want based on what I feel like and if I'm driving. That said, I don't think I've had more than 3 drinks at a time in at least 3 or 4 years...
(06-20-2011 08:14 AM)NKBurlington Wrote: [ -> ]I just thought of something else This couple does, primarily him though.
If we're getting ready to leave their place he always asks if we want one for the road. First of all, I don't drink and drive and second of all, when we say we want to leave, we want to leave but they practically force feed DH another shot of something before we leave.
Ugh.
Man, these people are really tedious. Anyone who thinks it's normal to need a drink "for the road" is fucked up. DH and I never associate with people like that because they're really boring.
In Maine, DH had a co-worker whose girlfriend was an alcoholic. She was a full-grown adult, a nurse, well into her 30s, and had to get so fucked up whenever she went out (mostly every night) that she enjoyed having her brain shut down (which is what passing out is) while sitting on the toilet. So her boyfriend would always have to break into a locked bathroom door, or climb up the roof and get in through a bathroom window, to pull her off the toilet and carry her home and into bed, like a little baby, which is exactly what she was going for. No shame, no embarrassment for her, he shouldered all of it.
Anyway, when we hung out with him and she was there, too, she'd be insistent that everyone "get drunk." Then when she saw that DH and I don't get drunk, she assumed that we never consumed a drop of alcohol at all, because if you have one drink that means you obviously have 20 drinks and get drunk, right? If you're not doing that every night, then you are a teetotaler, right? She had no clue that adults generally drink in moderation, and keep it to one or two drinks max if they're driving, and leave the stupid fucked up drinking to idiot frat guys and frat girls.
Then once, we were at a military xmas party, and I had about one swallow of one beer and was playing a funny game with everyone at our table that ended up with a cheese cube flying through the air and bouncing off someone walking by the table. The party had just started, we'd only been there about 30 minutes. And she comes over to the table and looks at my barely touched first (and only) beer and said, "Wow! You're obviously drunk! How many of these have you had? HA HA HA." When I told her I'd only had one swallow and that was going to be my only drink of the whole night, and, no, I don't need to have half my brain killed off to play a funny game and laugh with people, she looked at me genuinely confused. In her sad world, you cannot go out or have fun or laugh or enjoy yourself unless you're drinking non-stop and unconscious while sitting on the toilet.
Shortly after that, DH's co-worker broke up with her, telling us he was very tired of her being a liability every single time they went out, especially because he barely drank at all, and he was tired of cleaning up her messes all the time. Cutting her out of his life was a very good thing for him, he seemed much more relaxed and happy.
Quote:I don't base drinking decisions on my company - I just do what I want based on what I feel like and if I'm driving. That said, I don't think I've had more than 3 drinks at a time in at least 3 or 4 years...
I wish I could be more like that. But I just found over time it just became easier to not drink around one of my friends who tends to make comments to me about it. I know I shouldn't let it bother me but it does. I swear, I can't remember a time when she hasn't jokingly called me an alcoholic or an alkie if I ordered a drink. WTF. I sometimes tend to avoid doing things if it bothers the people around me and I know I need to stop caring what other people think.