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Do any other married people have crushes on other people? How long do they last? What do you do about them? Is this a sign of doom or is it normal human attraction/behavior?

Thankfullly, that's only happened to me once since I got married. There was one night where something could have happened had I not stopped the line of conversation. Basically I avoid that person as much as possible, plus it also helps that I found out he's seriously bipolar and has crazy paranoid mood swings. Nothing is more of a turnoff than having someone call you 5 times in 1 night and then send you emails that say "What have I done to offend you? Why won't you talk to me?" which the progress to "I hate you and everyone else and I wish I were dead."

Just wanted to add that of course crushes are normal. We are human. As long as the crush does not turn into an obsession, or to cheating, there is nothing to worry about.

Can't say that it has happened to me so far in this marriage (other than drooling over a couple famous people). It was bad news for me in any of my previous relationships though, because I had a lot of trouble with monogomy.
That said, I think they're more likely normal than a sign of doom, but I'm not sure what can or should necessarily be done about them. I imagine they have a "course," but I don't know how long it is...

I'm able to turn it off. I have to. Teaching at a university means saying a LOT of young flesh, with hard bodies. Every time I leave for the day, shirtless young men are playing on the university's lawn, which is right by where I park my car, so I have to walk right by those cutie pies!

I concentrate on how it's inappropriate. I'm married, and I believe in monogamy. Also, I'm a "total package" gal (which is another reason I'm somewhat immune to the young guys at school) -- a guy can flirt with me, be intelligent, be well read, be good looking, but the fact that he would hit on a married woman knocks him down a notch in my book (and if he is married and flirts, that knocks him wayyyy down!). The kids are too young, which ruins the "total package" for me, and they also don't have careers, and that matters!

I would say it's normal to feel attraction. Acting on it, and/or refusing to control your impulses (like girlish giggles, or going around to his desk, etc), and/or using the attraction to feed a need in you -- these are the signs of impending doom. If any of the latter are present, the person in question should probably consider what's wrong in their marriage that they want what this other person offers.

CF Scorpio Wrote:Just wanted to add that of course crushes are normal. We are human. As long as the crush does not turn into an obsession, or to cheating, there is nothing to worry about.

This.

If you are making the attraction or relationship progress then there might be a problem.

My rule is if I couldn't tell DH about what I'm doing and with who (whom?) I shouldn't be doing it.

Not that it's been an issue of course, but I think it's a fairly safe rule to live by in my experience so far.

~

HH your married.....................
Your NOT DEAD..................
So its perfectly normal to have a crush or desire to be with someone else.
Your only human.
But ITA with the others here and have to say that as long as
your crush does not go any further then a crush then I say
"Live it up"
Life is too short not to have a little fun.
And after all it is "MAY"

"Its May Its May the lusty month of May...when time enough for everyone throws self control away."
LOL That is a song lyric from "Camelot"
But anyway, its a normal healthy reaction
And as long as you stay focused on your DH and be open and honest with him.
Tell him what your feeling.
Maybe the two of you can move past the crush and you two can learn to fall in love with each other all over again.
Communication is the key.
Talk to your DH HH.
You did all that nursing for him.
Now its time for him to step up to the plate and nurse your womanly
needs, lol
If you get my drift, lol

I get crushes all the time on famous actors I'll never know, so that's no big deal.

A couple of times I've had crushes on guys DH and I know in real life. But I just tell DH about it and it's no big deal. He knows I'm not going to have sex with someone else, and I'm not going to pursue anyone or any kind of relationship for real. He finds it amusing, we call them my "secret boyfriends." It's a secret to the guy, but not to DH. Full disclosure allows him to trust me. And then, usually after a short time, the crush feeling goes away, especially as I get to know the person better. I remember several years ago when I got to know a secret boyfriend bit better and the crush totally disappeared and I didn't mention it to DH because it was insignificant. Then after some time DH mentioned the guy as secret boyfriend, and I said, "Oh, I forgot to tell you. C and I totally broke up, like AGES ago." As long as it's basically a joke, it's no big deal. DH is the best guy for me and a passing crush on some guy I barely know isn't going to change that.

I agree that crushes are a completely normal human behavior. Acting on it would push it past the "appropriate" stage, of course.

I disagree with the "full disclosure" stance of some of the other posters though. For one, part of what makes crushes fun is keeping it to yourself. (IMO, anyhow) But the biggest reason I disagree is because my DH wouldn't take it well. His first wife cheated on him, and after their divorce he suffered from severe depression and still has some trust issues. So to find out I had even an innocent crush on someone else, it would be really difficult for him and would only cause problems. So you need to think about how your DH would react before you tell him about it. It's a personal choice whether you should tell him or not.

Vanessa

I agree, Vanessa. I never exhibit interest in front of DH, because the hassles and repercussions of it are simply not worth it. But we both behave as if we are in each other's presence at all times, as if the other is watching (and would you flirt with this guy, or that guy, if your DH were watching?) -- it's been a hallmark of our relationship. It's easier for him to behave that way, because he's always lived in small towns, and knows how to behave as if you are being watched, at all times (because you are!). I've had a harder time, because I'm used to living anonymously, where an action here (say, going out to lunch with a man I find interesting) would never get back to my spouse because the chances of me seeing someone I know are astronomical. It's been a shock, to say the least, to live in a small town and realize you are always being watched. But on the other hand, I've found I live a more honest life, as I police my own behavior better. I got really used to lying a lot when I lived and dated in bigger cities.

But each relationship has its own dynamic, and can deal with this thing or that thing better or worse than others.

Well, I think I am just suffering from some spring fever. This guy is a new friend and I think I was just so excited to have a new friend, that it went overboard because he's a guy and not bad looking. Also, he's way younger than me, but extremely intelligent. I'm such a sucker for brains. And then there's the much younger man fantasy that PG alluded to...

So, he's a really honest person (just like me) and I decided to just tell him that I was having weird, crush-feelings. He was cool about it, and said that he was also happy about our friendship and didn't think that he had any "other" feelings. So, we're going to try to be friends anyway, and just tell each other if it gets too weird.

Now that I spilled the beans to the crush-ee, I don't feel as obsessed about having the crush. I certainly wouldn't want to leave DH for this guy. I hardly know him, and there are things that would make us incompatible (cat allergy, for one!) in a romantic relationship.

I don't know if I'll tell DH right now. Maybe later, after we've spent more time with the guy (he was over at our house for a BBQ on Saturday, with another person that we all just met). DH knows that I talk to the guy online, and we haven't been at all inappropriate - except for me admitting to having a crush.

Usually, I just lust after hockey players. It was certainly very strange to find myself fantasizing about an actual person that I've met. Whenever this has happened in the past, I just put distance between myself and the crush-ee. But this time, I'm going to try to be friends with him. I really don't see why he would be interested in a 35-year-old married woman anyway. He's not a casual sex kind of person, from what I can tell.

I think this is just another phase where I pine for being lusted after and miss my more promiscuous days. Those times were fun. I am quite sure that I do NOT want to go back to being single or starting a new relationship. It's just that, sometimes, the grass is greener...

Psst! .... ummm.... can I jump in here for a minute? I have .... never been married. I know I'm the wrong person to be in line for this, but I do have some things to share about this. There had been times when married women have (I think) come on to me. Nothing ever happened because I didn't allow it to. I've had married women invite me for dinner when their husbands were away (like out of town), and they've told me they had problems with their husbands.

There's one time I can think about a serious crush with a married woman I knew from a job I had; and I think she felt the same way about me. It was 16 years ago; she and I worked in the next cube to each other at a telemarketing job. Her name was Petra. We carried on with each other like two little kids (a boy and girl having a crush on each other) at a playground. She was very unhappy at that time with her marriage and wanted to get a divorce. A couple of times, she wanted to go places with me (without her husband), but I declined because I did not feel right about being alone with a married woman. Some time later, she was laid off from the job and I was no longer in touch with her.

About a year later, a co-worker told me that she bumped into Petra and that Petra got the divorce. I wanted to meet with her, but I did not know her phone number and where she lived. I went to places where I thought she would be, but she never turned up. I guess Petra and I were not meant to be.

I was thinking that, at the time I knew Petra, I could have been married to Susan. A year before I met Petra, I broke up with Susan because Susan wanted to marry me and I did not want to marry her. I liked Susan as a friend only, but was not in love with her. There were conflicts and pressure about it between us, and I had to break it off. It could have been very possible to have an affair with Petra if I was married to Susan, because Petra and I would have had solace together. The both of us would have been in a loveless marriage; and it would have seemed like we were right for each other.

What a disaster that could have been! So thankful it never happened.

Intersesting story, Tommy. In some ways, I think it's just a bad idea. Then I get resentful about WHY it's considered a bad idea. I mean, just because the people involved are heterosexual and of the opposite sex doesn't mean that they can't be friends - even good friends potentially. I feel like it's pretty rare to find someone that you find yourself wanting to get to know, respecting, finding interesting, etc. So why should I feel like I have to avoid this person just because he's a guy and I am married?

I was totally up-front with him, and according to him, he doesn't have romantic feelings for me. That is important to me, because I don't want to be misleading or leading anyone on.

I don't know. I am not a big rule follower - especially if I disagree with the premise behind the rule. I do agree with being married and not having a romance with someone else. I also agree that, if you are considering a romance with someone else, it's a sign of a problem in the marriage - so you should focus back on the marriage or consider separation. But I don't feel like I'm in a romance - just getting to know another person. I don't make friends that easily, although I'm a friendly person, so I don't want to feel like I'm obligated to ignore someone because it COULD be construed as inappropriate.

HH Its perfectly natural to want to be admired by other men other then your husband.
And as you already said, you laid it out for your friend and You both now know that he does not have any romantic feelings for you either.
So, I see no harm in the two of you continuing your "friendship"
You can NEVER have TOO many friends!!!
So blow it all off to a "lesson in life" learned.
You know you know, in your heart, you will always love your DH! And
as long as you can keep your "secret crush" feelings to yourself
or in check as they say.
Then I see no harm in it.