I know that the title of the thread is funny coming from a guy this time, but I feel like I have a question that I prefer women to answer. Here it is:
If you are on a dating site, do you pick a man out that you browse through?
If yes, why did you do it and what was the result when you picked the man out? Did he respond back; and did you get together with him? If you got together with him, how did it go?
Yes I do spend time on a dating/friendship site, but very rarely.
There have to be several different things that we have in common. It's just a feeling that I get... that he's a bit nerdy, would be sympathetic to the fact that I'm a nerd, and yet he's physically active like me. So far, I have gone out with a couple guys that asked me (completely initiated by them) with limited success as both were very arrogant and seemed to think that I would find them cool, and I've met with a couple others but unfortunately they were too much like me - neat people and comfortable with ttheir current friendships, so not able or willing to put in the time for a new relationship. Mind you, I've had both those problems in real life in the past... my most recent relationships haven't worked because either he was awesome but too busy (and long distance) or he had issues with me being more nerdy (definitely a complex, he was fine chatting with me until he found out what I did for a living).
I seemed destined to be happiest on my own - the guys whom I can tolerate in a relationship (as opposed to a friendship - very different) are the ones who are the same as me, too busy leading our lives and while we'd be willing to share it with someone we aren't willing to change course on our own lives enough to be able to travel together.
Okee dokee, I have a dating site success story: I actually married the man I met there
I had a nice relationship with a guy before him from a site too.
In the case of my husband, I didn't pick him out, he actually picked me. I responded back to him because of his sense of humor in his e-mail, his honesty, and his eyes (I love his eyes!). I loved his profile, his background (Army guy, but oi punk). We e-mailed each other everyday. I guess the only reason I DIDN'T pick him out was because he beat me to it (he was a new member, and picked me out immediately). We started talking on the phone....then he came out for my college graduation (he was in Kansas and I in Delaware at the time)...shortly after that I moved to Kansas with him, and we got married in July 2009. I can say wholeheartedly he is the best man I have ever met, and I could not ask for more.
The boyfriend I met before my husband I also met through the same site, and I picked him out and e-mailed him first. I chose him first and foremost because I thought he was hot (hey, looks do matter in most cases). But the reason I actually took a step to e-mail him was because we had the same interests, he seemed interesting, and was funny in his profile. I wouldn't just e-mail a guy because he was hot...especially if we had nothing in common (then I would be really bored!). We had a nice relationship for 3 months, but he had some of his own problems to tackle, and he needed to figure that out before he could fully be in a relationship, so I broke it off. He also had a son, and though he didn't live with him, the boy was his life. While I respected that, I knew that wasn't a part of me.
I've had good and bad experiences with dating sites... and obviously I ended up with the BEST experience
I've found people have the most success when they look OUTSIDE of their home state and also outside of their comfort zone (look for someone a little different than your "normal" type).
I used dating sites for several years before I met my fiance.
I went out several times with many different guys, and 1 relationship turned into long term(we were on and off for about 3 years). Other guys I was with for a few months, and of course there were some that only lasted one date...
I would pick guys who seemed to have similar values as myself and seemed genuine. It was difficult to weed through guys that said or did things I find to be turn offs(have 4 kids, divorced 3 times, anything disrespectful of former girlfriends, swearing, poor grammar or spelling, no career aspirations, live with parents, etc...)
Met my fiance speed dating by the way.
I highly recommend it. 8 dates in just over an hour. It would've taken me months to go out on 8 "real" dates...and only to find that 7 of those guys weren't for me.
I met my current BF--the love of my life and the man I hope to marry some day--on a dating site. He picked me out first and sent me a "flirt." I fell in love with his smile. (OMG. He is gorgeous, and his smile is just divine!) We were both initially just interested in meeting new people and making new friends (both fresh out of really bad relationships,) but when we met up, we found out we had SO much in common it was scary. We spent our first date just sitting and talking--for HOURS--at a mall near both of our homes. We went out on a DATE date the next night (my original date backed out on me,) and the rest is history. We were a couple six days later. It was unreal.
I look for a man who is physically attractive to me. (Looks do matter to me too, but they are not the ONLY criterion.) I look for a man who shares my values and worldview. He does not have to be the same religion I am, but he MUST be open and friendly to it, or at the very least he must respect it. I will not date men who have or want children, period. I always put that explicitly in my profile. I prefer men who are artistic, like I am, but I find I'm also drawn to geeks. He MUST have a good sense of humor. I think it takes a lot of brains to be funny without being peurile (spelling?) and I like men with brains.
Talk about "different from me:" If I had met D in person first, I know I would have liked him, but I don't know if we would have met and talked, because he is deaf, and when we met, I knew NO sign language at all. I don't know if we would have been able to break the ice. As it was, we talked online for a week before we met in person, so he was able to explain his limitations to me AND to tell me how we could communicate when we met face to face. I'm open to dating ANY man that seems right for me, but a communication barrier like that would have made it nearly impossible, if we had just "met on the street," so to speak. It was easier with some prep, and I am really glad it all came down the way it did, because I love him so, so much it's unreal.
Jen M.
OMG Jen, I love your story
I think it's very cool and unique that your BF is deaf, but maybe that's because I'm weird...lol
I also agree about the religion thing.... he doesn't have to be the same religion, but he has to be willing and open to accept my beliefs.
Well, I wouldn't say actually being deaf is cool, but he's a very cool guy, and I MOST LIKELY would have missed out if we'd met in person first, because of the communication barrier. This way, we were able to work out a strategy to get us through until he could teach me some sign language.
I'm like that. I won't just reject a potential partner out-of-hand if they are different from me.
Put another way, I don't let differences intimidate me--I want to get to know a person for who he/she really is. Everything else is just surface.
Jen M.
LOL I soooo didn't mean being deaf is cool....hahaha that would've been awful to say... but yes, that the situation is very cool, and how special a way to come together. I think it would be one of those things that makes you work HARDER at your relationship so you have a stronger bond than some people.....
No worries. I knew that's not what you meant.
Tommy, I'm sorry I hijacked your thread. I did not mean to. I hope everyone's responses have been helpful.
The bottom line is: Be real, have good photos (by "good" I mean clear, so people can really see what you look like) of yourself in your profile, and be as thorough as you can, so that the women/people who see your profile can get a real feel for who you are.
Good luck!
Jen M.
I thought that the replies were pretty good. What I was really getting at in my question was that if any woman here had ever responded to an ad for a man. The reason why I asked is because I've had women respond to my ad. I just wondered what goes on in a women's mind when she does it.
I assume that no one here has ever done it since no one has come forward and said so. Unless, you have, but don't want to admit it. That's OK. I think it's OK for women to respond to ads placed by men.
Funny thing is that when it came to the dating sites the women had responded to me. When I responded to an ad, I never got anything back. There were quite a few women that I had deleted. There were a few women I replied back to, but none of them attracted me. It seemed like it was a matter of picking out not the best, but the lesser of the not so hot.
And then when I go meet with them, I was not excited about seeing them. And when we got together, I was less impressed. There were some I liked, but not in love with. They seemed to sense that and they didn't want to have anything to do with me again. I felt very much the same way.
A question I would need to ask now is: when you placed an ad, about how many responses did you get?
I think I see what you're getting at...
When I placed my ad, I honestly didn't get that many responses... less than 10.
No, Tommy. I DID. I was just sharing with you what made me respond to those ads.
I also put up profiles on dating sites. I did not get SWAMPED with responses, but I did get quite a few. (Of course, they were mostly not guys I'd be interested in, and most did not read my profile, so we were not compatible.)
I should have been more clear... With the exception of the cases where I specified that they had asked me - it was me who asked them out. In all those cases I thought that they were really neat guys, and I could see myself being friends with them. I wasn't planning on us being best friends, or even thinking that we would want to date, but they had neat lives and we met up for coffee or dinner.
I have also contacted a couple guys and never heard back, but such is life. I have also received messages from some real freaks and they never got replies so I guess it works both ways. I did meet the two guys who seemed moderately normal, but one of them was an economist who only cared about himself (he had some fantastic lines... my economist colleague and I laughed for days about some of his comments) and another guy who was nice enough but talked about his kids and how he had several open relationships and he never contacted me after I indicated that I wasn't particularly open to his lifestyle myself (I don't mind it, but I didn't fall into the two categories that he was hoping for : someone to mother his children, or someone to have sex with him).
I honestly have no idea how many responses I have had over the years... not too many, but then again I list that I'm interested in friendship and not a long-term relationship so that cuts out a certain percentage, and I also have a bit of quirkiness that seems to draw out the real nuts (it happens in real life too - I've had guys randomly solicit me, and others offer to buy me, etc).
(05-01-2010 02:26 AM)tommy14 Wrote: [ -> ]I thought that the replies were pretty good. What I was really getting at in my question was that if any woman here had ever responded to an ad for a man. The reason why I asked is because I've had women respond to my ad. I just wondered what goes on in a women's mind when she does it.
I assume that no one here has ever done it since no one has come forward and said so. Unless, you have, but don't want to admit it. That's OK. I think it's OK for women to respond to ads placed by men.
Funny thing is that when it came to the dating sites the women had responded to me. When I responded to an ad, I never got anything back. There were quite a few women that I had deleted. There were a few women I replied back to, but none of them attracted me. It seemed like it was a matter of picking out not the best, but the lesser of the not so hot.
And then when I go meet with them, I was not excited about seeing them. And when we got together, I was less impressed. There were some I liked, but not in love with. They seemed to sense that and they didn't want to have anything to do with me again. I felt very much the same way.
A question I would need to ask now is: when you placed an ad, about how many responses did you get?
OK OK Tommy You got me, I confess, lol. YES I did answer an AD for a Man
way back in 1984.
Back then I was in a current relationship (sort of) with a man who was at the time getting on my nerves. He really was not committed to me. And I felt that he was just using me for sex and nothing more. So since I had no ring on my finger, I felt I could still look around and date other men. Whats good for the goose is good for the gander, lol.
So for the fun of it I picked up a local paper
called The Trading Times.
And did some browsing in it. Back then there was no Interent, lol
In this paper, was a whole slew of ads, from men wanting to "hook up" with women for various reasons.
Well to make a long story shorter. I did answer this man's ad.
It was a long time ago, I don't remember what he said exactly that made me reply to him. But I did. I think it was the fact that he was honest & sincere about himself. And I look for those features most of all. Anyway about 6 months later I married him and we have been blissfully happy to this day.
So yes Tommy it does work. You just need to be HONEST & Sincere with your ad.
I wish you all the best of luck
YOU DESERVE IT!
So yes Tommy it does work. You just need to be HONEST & Sincere with your ad.
[/quote] (from Trucker's Wife)
My feeling is (I think that many may disagree with this) that the dating sites seem to be more advantious to women than men. For every man that's successful in meeting his match, there are at least hundred of other men that are not successful at any given time. With women it's a matter of time before they can be successful. They just have to keep plugging at it.
I know a few men that are friends of mine using dating sites, and non of them have been successful. And they are not bad guys. So many women have told me that they've been successful, but no guy has ever told me that he was.
To me I think that the best way to be successful on dating sites is to just give a person that you have a date with a chance. If you just half-way or better like someone, give them at least three dates to see if it would work out. Don't just turn someone away just because there's a little thing that you disagree with. No one is perfect and two people are not going to agree on everything! To go in on one date and expect to be instantly in love is very unrealistic. It's possible that you could be pushing away a real gem!
In those dating sites, I have been turned away because of small details.
One woman didn't want me because I have a fear of dogs. She didn't have a dog herself. Another one turned me away because I told her that I had panic attacks. With those two women that I described; the conversations between me and them went very good until those items came up.
Tommy, those women just weren't right for you. Right off the bat, I'd say they were both just too uptight. It was them, not you.
I think women are generally more cautious when answering ads. That may be why it seems that women get more responses than men. I know that, as a woman, if any little thing made me feel uncomfortable, I would not respond.
I have a friend on OK Cupid who has written a lot about OK Cupid in particular. I'm going to PM you with his OKC profile info. He has a link to the Guide to OK Cupid he has written. Even if you don't use OKC, there is a LOT of really good info in there on how to conduct yourself/present yourself on dating sites. He is very wise.
Jen M.