So it occurred to me about a week ago that my husband and I had never actually talked about what we would do if my tubal ligation ever failed. I had always just assumed because we agreed on being childfree, and that because my tubes are tied, that obviously I knew what the decision would be if by some freak accident I happened to get pregnant one day. It hadn't occurred to me that I never actually talked about this with my husband....so I kind of got nervous about having the discussion at all.
Thankfully we had a talk over the phone (you know, DH in Iraq and all) and finally got down to the nitty gritty. The discussion was actually brought on because I need to have a biopsy and they are making me take a pregnancy test beforehand, which I commented to DH is totally pointless (it is, tubal, no sex, I couldn't be more UN-PREGNANT!!!) He then joked "yeah, that would be some miraculous conception, unless I accidentally got you pregnant before I left". So I asked him bluntly, what would we do if it ever actually happened? I knew that I never wanted to be a mother, and explained that to him again, and needed someone who was on the same page. And I didn't want him to sit on the fence, or hold back his feelings to spare my own. I pointed out he still sometimes used terms like "if we ever had kids" and I told him that's not something someone who is adamantly childfree would say (I know I don't use terms like that in passing conversation).
To my happy surprise he agreed that if by some strange chance (ie: 0.01%) we ever accidentally got pregnant even with the tubal, we would choose to terminate, because he definitely is on my side and we are a team. He also reminded me how he doesn't want kids either, like we've discussed, and he likes other peoples' kids, mostly the part about how he can give them back...lol
I am relieved about this whole conversation....because we've had the "childfree" discussion many times....but never the "what if" discussion...so now they're both out of the way and I feel DH & I are a lot closer because of it!
Have you ever talked to him about getting the big V (vasectomy)? If he's certain he never wants kids as much as you are, this would make it pretty much impossible to have kids.
Hmm, I hadn't actually thought about that....since I had my tubal I never really thought about extra sterilization, but that would pretty much make it ironclad huh? That would be a great topic to bring up at some point in the near future with him. Thanks for the suggestion Dog....he just might be open to it. He's already 32, I'll bet he won't have to fight for a vasectomy like I had to fight for my tubal at 23!
Let us just hope, should that ever happen to you, that the option of terminating the pregnancy is still available, given the prevailing winds in many states....
If he is on the same page having a Vasectomy should not be a problem for him at all.
Snip snip and he is done. In fact, I don't know why your putting yourself at such risk (operation wise) unless you had to, cause of polyps (sp?) or some such thing. When a simple Vasectomy would do the trickand save you loads of pain.
But hey, thats your choice to make.
Me personally, well, we had our "that talk" 25 years ago. And 20 years ago Hubby had his Vasectomy. Not having any insurance is what delayed him, lol.
But for now since your DH is in Iraq, he has a good excuse for now, lol.
I am sure that "Talk part 2" will go just as smooth for you.
Isn't it nice to know hubby loves you, awwwwww
Dear God....I can't imagine living in a time where that option isn't available to me...isn't that scary? We've come so far in such a short time....now it's like we take it for granted. I love my country, but if they start enforcing laws THAT strictly on choice, I will most definitely be moving out of the country!
I forwarded a few links about vasectomies to the hubby so that we can talk about it over the next few phone calls. hopefully he's open to that option....don't really see why he wouldn't be!
I'm glad he's in agreement with you! I, too, would do the same thing if I got pregnant.
My DH is in the military and he told me that Tri-Care will not pay for a vasectomy if he's under 35 and never had a kid. If that's still true, and you know how military rules change a lot, even when it comes to Tri-Care, then you'll have to probably pay for one privately.
I've talked to my DH about a vas and he has zero interest, which is weird. He's open-minded about everything else. I remember my first husband, who was as CF as I am, was afraid to get one because he was sure it meant complete impotence. Yes, he was a moron. And a drunk. And not terribly well educated, either.
Oh T.W. I already had my tubes tied 2 years ago while I was still with my ex-husband, and he was NOT on the same page as me...and I was "stuck" with him for the time being. I didn't want another accident (as I already had one abortion while I was with him, and in the process of divorcing). He was abusive and manipulative. So I decided to put myself thru the surgery as a safeguard!!!
So I am already sterilized, but have heard of a few ladies recently whose tubals failed....that's how I ended up in this discussion.
(04-21-2010 12:55 AM)anastasia Wrote: [ -> ]I'm glad he's in agreement with you! I, too, would do the same thing if I got pregnant.
My DH is in the military and he told me that Tri-Care will not pay for a vasectomy if he's under 35 and never had a kid. If that's still true, and you know how military rules change a lot, even when it comes to Tri-Care, then you'll have to probably pay for one privately.
I've talked to my DH about a vas and he has zero interest, which is weird. He's open-minded about everything else. I remember my first husband, who was as CF as I am, was afraid to get one because he was sure it meant complete impotence. Yes, he was a moron. And a drunk. And not terribly well educated, either.
OMG, I had to laugh out loud about your ex, I think maybe he's related to mine...haha.
That SUCKS about Tricare!! Of course if you pop out 7 kids they'll give you a vas no problem
erg.... I will surely look into this further if he thinks it's a cool idea. But yeah, I've been reading up on it and it doesn't affect sexual function at all...I think guys are just so protective of their "boys" that any sharp object coming near them for ANYTHING is a threat...lol
OOOOHHHH, JUST FOUND THIS!!!
Direct from the TRICARE coverages page:
Birth Control – Over-the-counter birth control products are excluded. The following are covered:
* Prescription contraceptives
* PREVEN Emergency Contraceptive Kit
* Injectable contraceptives such as Depo Provera (Medroxyprogesterone Acetate)
* Implantable prescription contraceptives if FDA approved as an implantable contraceptive
* Intrauterin devices (IUDs), including surgical insertion, removal and replacement
* Contraceptive diaphragms, including related professional services for measurements and placement, removal or replacement
* Surgical sterilization (e.g. tubal ligation also known as "tubes tied" and vasectomy)
and this too, from a forum:
With the military if they are AD then they will need to see the command Doc to get a referral. The hospital will then do the procedure for free. If they can't do it then they will refer out. Then they can go through the procedure. Some places require counseling for both, some require a signature by the wife, while others do not.
HAPPY DANCE! HAPPY DANCE! HAPPY DANCE!!!
The second one is more relevant, cause DH is Active Duty, so his vas would be covered under the military treatment facility, not Tricare.
Good news! Several years ago when we were stationed up in Maine, one of DH's active duty co-workers wanted a vas but he was turned down because he was under 35 and CF. I'm glad that's changed.
I'm hoping they don't turn him down for being CF...I will march my ass right into the office and handle them myself (amazingly these days, wives have some persuasion...you know, squeaky wheel gets the oil?). They really don't want me pissed off.
Quote:you know, squeaky wheel gets the oil?).
LOL sorry to correct you but its known as
The squeaky wheel gets the GREASE, not the oil LOL
I know same thing, but I just felt compelled to correct you on that.
Basically cause I am KNOWN throughout the land as the " proverbial squeaky wheel, lol And I have had my fair share of grease too, lol. These days you have to stand up for yourself and your loved ones, if you don't who will?
That is how I look at it.
So Kudos to you for being a fellow squeaky wheel, lol
But I am sure your hubby will be just fine. And I hope you get to that "talk part 2 regarding the vas real soon
BTW I never had my tubes tied. Back when I was your age every time I had asked a GYNO to do something like that for me. I got the standard "You'll change your mind when your older" and/or
"We can't do that cause your too young".
Boy have times changed.
Well now, it does not matter for me anymore. Because mother nature took care of my eggs and killed them dead, lol.. Just like RAID, LOL RAAAAIIIIIDDD I loved that old commercial, lol.
LOL T.W. you crack me up, ok ok, GREASE!!!
As for "Talk Part 2"... WELL, we had it and my confidence is pretty shaken.
It went something like "so I was thinking if we're really committed to the childfree life, maybe you would consider, you know"
He says "snip snip?"
"I said yeah, I don't see why not. It would make doubly sure nothing would happen."
He says, in a suddenly serious tone "oh I don't know about that...."
Then he begins to run off excuses for why he would be denies for a vasectomy. I told him that might not be a problem if he talked to specific doctors, and rules have changed over the years (he IS 32).
The conversation continues and I plead the case citing information on the procedure, direct him to the e-mail with the link I sent him, remind him about the simplicity of it.... And also how if he's committed to being childfree I can't see how it would be that big of an issue (especially after telling him how the procedure is relatively safe and doesn't effect sexual performance).
He got very quiet and said "well, let me think about it...." Long pause.
I continued "Okay, just tell me you will look at the e-mail I sent, and not just forget about it?"
He replies, in a very annoyed tone "Okaayy!"
I told him I understood if he had fears about anything "sharp" being near his "manhood" but that it's a lot safer than what I went through. He basically admitted it wasn't that when he said "oh I know, my dad had one....". I am starting to think he's not so sure anymore about being childfree...or maybe he feels being childfree with ME is okay, but "what if" we don't work out, and he wants to have kids with someone else? I actually mentioned this to him and he was silent.... I am completely stunned at this point....
I honestly think it's the vasectomy thing, not that he is thinking about having kids later. My DH is the same way - doesn't want anyone messing with his "junk". I wouldn't read more into it until you know. Most men I know, or that I've heard of don't even like going to the doctor for a general check-up - but having that messed with well, I really think it's more about that then the childfree issue. Of course I don't know him, but I'd put my money on that.
Perhaps its just a case of lab-coat-phobia, its tends to be common in guys. Just to play devil's advocate, maybe he IS on the same CF page as you, but because you're already sterilized and are sure you'd terminate any accidental pregnancy, he only sees it as completely unnecessary and painful?
Yeah I guess you guys are probably right. Hopefully he will bring it up again soon...right now I'm not going to push it. I guess my own fears of that .01% being me (of tubal failure) would be cured by him being sterilized too. We're on the same page for termination, but I would feel a lot better if we could take that decision out of the equation altogether (I know what I would do, but having been there before, it's not something I would care to experience again). But I can definitely see how he would feel the way you (Koi) describe. I will try not to read into it just yet.
Uh I just read what you wrote PK and I am floored. As I am sure you was too when you heard him. So my only question to you is How long have you 2 been married?
Hang in there, maybe the others are right? Maybe not, I know if my hubby ever said that to me I would be shaken too, so your not alone.
All I can say now is
Cause till you get to the bottom of why "THAT" came out of his mouth you will never have any real peace.
( imho of course.)
O.T Thanks for getting my humor
. But this time I am worried for you.
We are considered "newlyweds" T.W...... It will be a year in July. Eh...who knows...he hasn't brought it up again so I am just waiting. I have so many other things on my mind right now, that this has honestly taken the back burner for now. lol
(04-23-2010 05:20 PM)pookiekitty Wrote: [ -> ]We are considered "newlyweds" T.W...... It will be a year in July. Eh...who knows...he hasn't brought it up again so I am just waiting. I have so many other things on my mind right now, that this has honestly taken the back burner for now. lol
AWWWWWW how sweet we both share July as our wedding month
It will be 25 years for us this July too.
Wow only a year for you 2? You got a loooong way to go, LOL
But I am glad the topic took to the back burner. For now I think its best not to rock the boat. I had no idea you were newlyweds
It does make a difference, trust me, lol.
Not to mention the worrys of him being In Iraq. So, you did good PK
to you.
LOL...yeah, been there done that with the married thing. hahaha. I will be happy when we make it to 25!!!
I'm sure this one will last, we are already strong together...and the deployment is making the marriage even stronger (weird, but true).
It sucks he is gone so soon after the wedding, but hey, I signed up for this.... thanks for the hugs!!!