First I want to apologize for being absent from here for so long. Life has been crazy busy since, well, like a year ago...
I find I always get the best advice here, so hopefully some of you can offer some insight for a couple issues.
As most of you know I met the man of my dreams in Alaska and we are getting married soon. I consider myself very fortunate that both of our families are satisfied with the arrangement and have done nothing to try to pester us into doing our wedding/marriage their way.
My vent concerns my friends and all their unsolicited advice.
1) Those of you who are my Facebook friends know that I have posted photos of my dress and some wedding stuff.
I have 3 friends here in town that are up in arms about this. They can't believe I let my fiance see my dress and I'm not keeping it a surprise for the wedding.
I don't believe the wedding is a surprise.???? George and I aren't traditional, religious or superstitious. I think of it as more of a party where our friends and family can get together and celebrate. My fiance came with me to try on dresses and in fact made the final decision(because I never would've decided anyway). We also live together so where the heck would I hide a big pouffy dress for 6 months?! In addition I've gained weight so I try it on about once a month to be sure it still fits! Finally my family all live out of state and several of my friends from California got laid off (again) and can't make it up for the wedding. Many of these people have asked to see it.
2) We're not doing a sand or candle ceremony at the wedding, we're even considering changing the ring exchange and standing in non-traditional spots.
Once again some of my friends can't believe this(wait til they hear our vows-eek, I'm kinda nervous) Sand/candle/other religious or traditional types of things are not a part of our lives. George and I would seriously roll our eyes and start laughing if we had to light a candle together and recite some, "apart we become one...blah, blah..." Fine for other people but That. is. not. us.
3) I'm already wearing my ring.
We bought it, love it, don't want to lose it. Bsides we may be doing a different take on the ring exchange anyway. But some of my friends seem to think we've already ruined our entire marriage by not waiting for a certain date to slip this item on my finger.
4) The kicker: I'm not changing my last name
I'm seriously about to throw something at one of my friend's heads because she is so against me doing this.
I'm not changing my last name because I don't feel I need to. It's my name, it's always been my name, it was my dad's name, it's the name everyone knows me by(especially as a teacher where I've been known as Ms.___ for over 12 yars) I don't love my name, but it's my name.
I also don't like my fiance's last name. It's a basic word with a really dopey spelling. The thought of correcting everyone for the rest of my life is not appealing. He also has a few shady relatives who I'd rather not be too closely associated with.
You're entitled to do things any way the two of you want. As long as you and George agree, then that's all that really matters. Your friends (and I'm using that term loosely for this circumstance) don't have a say in how you conduct your wedding, or your life.
I don't blame you for not wanting to change your name. I know that there are a million arguments for both sides of this. My personal opinion is don't change it if you don't want to. I changed my name when I got married because I didn't really think much about it and it just seemed like the thing to do. However, changing it back to my maiden name after the divorce was the first thing I wanted to do as soon as things were final. I don't think I'll ever change it again. I never loved my last name, but once it wasn't mine anymore, I really missed it.
I also have a girlfriend who wore her ring set. They were engaged for a couple of years before they got married and she loved the ring (both parts) and wanted to wear them together and not wait. People gave her some flack for it, but ultimately it was about what she and her fiance were ok with. Plus, she's now considering getting an additional band to wear with it so that it's more of a trio. She really struggled with the name change thing because she wanted to keep her last name, but it was very important to her husband that she take his name. Ultimately, they compromised a bit and she changed her middle name to her maiden name (she didn't want to hyphenate or anything like that) and took his last name. But again...they worked it out between themselves because they were the only ones that it was really relevant to. Period.
I say do what you and your fiance want. Your friends will get over it. They're probably just jealous that they didn't have the guts to buck the system and do things the way they wanted.
Vanessa
The main point is, this is your wedding and as long as you both are happy to heck with everyone else. People who are giving you the hardest time are possibly upset that they did not get to pick and chose things to do their own way for their own weddings -or that they have not had one at all. Maybe they had interfering relatives, in-laws or moms. Personally, I would tell them that should they get the chance to marry (or marry again), then they can do all those things they are upset you are not doing, but they are not involved in the decisions regarding your wedding and those who are have it under control!
Pretty judgmental friends! They should try minding their own business rather than dictating how you live your life!
It's your and George's wedding. It should be exactly as YOU both want it to be, not to meet someone else's standards.
As for not changing your name - kudos to you. I personally would never and will never change my name. Lose the friend who thinks you should. That's such a personal choice, I can't fathom how someone else thinks they have the right to weigh in on it.
I'm sorry Lindsay, but these friends who are strongly disapproving about how you live your OWN frigging life are coming across as jerks who aren't really your friends.
You do what YOU WANT. It's your life, not theirs, and if they have problems with that you should drop them. You want to be happy, together with George, and if they don't like it how you go about it you should have zero tolerance.
My DH helped me purchase my wedding dress from Ebay, so he saw it and I didn't care and not one friend cared, why should they?
I have not and will never change my name for a man, this ain't the days anymore when a woman went from being her father's property to her husband's property. Any of your friends don't like that? Then they're not your friends. Period.
Your friends should be happy for you and leaving the decisions entirely up to you. I suspect your real friends are, but the ones who are criticizing you and want you to do what THEY want, are not really friends at all.
I want to be your FB fan! I want to see your dress!
(04-16-2010 02:57 PM)vanessa915 Wrote: [ -> ]You're entitled to do things any way the two of you want. As long as you and George agree, then that's all that really matters. Your friends (and I'm using that term loosely for this circumstance) don't have a say in how you conduct your wedding, or your life.
This. This is the bottom line. It's your and George's life, not anyone else's. If they object so strongly they don't want to come to the wedding, well, then they probably aren't friends after all. They sound like a bunch of control freaks to me.
The people who love you guys will accept whatever decisions you make and will be there with you to celebrate.
I am so happy things are going well for you, Lindsay! Good luck with everything!
Jen M.
As long as you and George are happy, that's all that matters.
Your "friends" should be happy for you and stop judging you.
I agree with BitterCat: Those who truly love you will be happy for you and accept whatever decisions you make.
It's just a wedding for gawd's sake. Sheesh.
YOU GO, GIRL!!! Your wedding, your man, the two of you in accord -- that means, who cares what anyone else thinks!
I don't understand why some people have to care so much about someone else not doing something THEIR way. Seriously who died and made them the life police.
Real friends give support. Other kinds of people aren't friends.
Real men do not think their penis is a Dymo label-maker. Any man who insists a woman take his name is either trying to obliterate her, or is more worried what people will think of HIM, than what his wife feels. When a woman hears this, that is her signal to end the relationship before she loses her self.
Your friends need to learn to respect your choice, to not live in the lala fantasyland with a surrogate father figure that most other people seem to live in. Geeze, grown adults upset because you're not participating in their chosen game of make believe.
Someday the BIG NEWS will be that a woman IS changing her name, and everyone will wonder if she was coerced into it.
These responses are getting shorter and shorter because we're all in complete agreement with you. Enjoy life, and (your friends aren't paying for it, right?) do what you want with your wedding!
P.S. My rule for weddings is: Whomever pays, provides input. If someone's parents are paying for the wedding, then the parents can give their input on the decisions. Similarly, if you are paying for everything then have fun and do everything your way!
That said... not only do I think that you should do everything your way, but I'd probably do the same as you. I wouldn't change my name, I wouldn't care about who saw what and when, and I wouldn't rely on tradition!
(04-16-2010 11:42 PM)eslbee Wrote: [ -> ]Someday the BIG NEWS will be that a woman IS changing her name, and everyone will wonder if she was coerced into it.
The "to change the name or not to change the name" question isn't really that different from the "to have kids or not have kids" question. Who are we to judge whatever choice a woman (or couple) makes, whatever they choose? If a woman wants to change her name, that's her decision. Some people like tradition, and they're welcome to it. It doesn't mean you or I have to. But I'm not going to tell someone they shouldn't either. All I can do is urge them to really think about it and do what is right for them.
I applaud Lindsay and George for really thinking about what they want to do, how they want their lives together to be, and how they want to start that off with something that is true to them as the people that they are. I'd say the same thing if Lindsay decided that she DID want to change her name, or keep the dress from him, or whatever, provided that she actually thought about WHY she wanted to. I'll admit that I didn't put enough thought into the name thing when I got married. It was important to my husband, and not all that big of deal to me, so I changed it. As I mentioned before though, if I marry again, I won't likely change it, but if I do it will be because I've put a lot of consideration into it and had a lot of conversations with my would-be spouse about it.
Vanessa
Don't change your name if you don't want to. Your name is your basic identity and you should never give that up.
Horror story: one of the women who died in the Oklahoma City bombing was only there, in that place, on that day, to change her name with Social Security because she was recently married.
(04-16-2010 11:13 PM)eslbee Wrote: [ -> ]Real men do not think their penis is a Dymo label-maker.
ROFL! Really funny!!
This thread is filled with great responses. All 100% right-on!
Thanks for all the responses, I feel soooo much better. Part of the problem I suppose is me. i need to learn to ignore or have a quick comeback to people who try to meddle into my personal business.
You're all right though. George and I are very happy with everything we are doing for the wedding. Our number one goal is simply that our guests have fun. Hopefully a traditional wedding full of old-fashioned type regulations is not their idea of fun. If it is, then they are in for a big disappointment!
I have seen this sort of thing before, with regard to almost any choice. People regret what they didn't do themselves. Blow them off. It's your day, and George's day. Have fun together.
(04-17-2010 10:55 PM)Lindsay Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks for all the responses, I feel soooo much better. Part of the problem I suppose is me. i need to learn to ignore or have a quick comeback to people who try to meddle into my personal business.
You're all right though. George and I are very happy with everything we are doing for the wedding. Our number one goal is simply that our guests have fun. Hopefully a traditional wedding full of old-fashioned type regulations is not their idea of fun. If it is, then they are in for a big disappointment!
First off
back to the boards Lindsay. And I am so very happy for you & George.
The fact that you want to do things your way, is the best way to start off any marriage.
Although you do not be surprised if some of your so called friends do not show up just for the fact that they think you are wrong and they want no part of it.
But hey, as long as George is happy with you not taking his name, then more power to you.
I took my husbands name cause I happened to like his name BETTER then my own.
Nothing to do with spelling or anything like that. I just thought his last name was cool.
And I had to laugh at the ring thing.
Cause on my wedding day.
When the Rabbi said to place the ring on your bride's finger
I was busy with my hands behind my back trying to take it off
so he could put it on again, LOL
I had forgotten to take it off, it was so natural on my hand.
And I loved it so, lol
So, you go girl.. and congrats to you & George
