I'm new to this site and I am looking for like-minded people. Hopefully, I find some here.
Like a lot of CF people, the thought of being pregnant grossed me out from an early age. I've always known that I didn't want to go through this. From age 15-19, I worked in summer camps and that's when I realized that being with kids for too long was getting on my nerves. I was so annoyed by them at times, yet charmed by some of those kids at other times. I think that's when I decided to be an aunt rather than a mother.
I don't hate kids and I can handle them in small doses. When I stop and wonder if my life would be enhanced at this exact moment if I had a child, the answer is always no, except maybe at Christmas. So, I know that I'm not on the fence about this.
I'm in my early-thirties and most of my friends now have kids. As a result, I've been left behind because I don't share their interests anymore. Seriously, they are slaves to their kids and they have no other interests in life anymore. I can handle some baby talk, but at some point, can we please talk about something else? As a result, I often end up hanging out with the men, because they still talk about interesting things. It's funny how becoming a father doesn't impact someone's life like becoming a mother does. If I was a man, maybe I would want kids.
As much as I don't want to live my friends' lives, I find it very hard not to belong to the group as much as I used to. They accept and support my choice, that is not the problem, but they're not available for me anymore and I feel all alone. I often wish I was different, that I wanted to have kids too. Things would be easier in a way - we'd have playdates and we'd have a ton of stuff to talk about. I mean, if I wanted the kids, I wouldn't be miserable having them, right?
I know some of you will suggest that I find new friends, but every person I meet either has kids or is planning to have kids - or they're an annoying grand-mother!
Anyway, just thought I'd throw this out there to see if there are others who are also struggling with being CF. I would really love to know that I am not alone.
You are definitely not alone. First off, I like how you stop to think how having kids would enhance your life at that moment. I feel the same. I'm thinking about it right now. Tonight's fun plans would probably have to be cancelled. I sure couldn't be studying this book my nose is in, for college, for a better future.
As for friends, I'm in the same boat, but since I've moved often I'm used to not keeping up with the same crowd year after year anyway. Even when my group was all young and single they had a hard time keeping in touch. I do have friends with kids though, it's worked out well for me here, but I will be moving again this summer (military) so here we go to start all over. I usually spend a couple years somewhere with no friends and no one to relate to.
But they can be a slave to their kids. Nothing else to talk about, nothing else to do, no hobbies or personality anymore. I wouldn't want to live that way.
(04-13-2010 10:08 AM)Litchie Wrote: [ -> ]From age 15-19, I worked in summer camps and that's when I realized that being with kids for too long was getting on my nerves.
I was a camp counselor, too, when I was the same age. Keeping a group of 5th & 6th graders for a week was great birth control for me. I never had any bad kids, but keeping up with them and keeping them entertained 24/7 was a huge influence on not having any of my own kids.
Welcome!
My BF and I have friends, and some of them have kids, but for the most part it's just the two of us. We're pretty content with that--and when I was single, I was OK with not always having people around--but you're right: In general, it's hard to relate to most people. It's always family-talk or other boring small talk, and I have a hard time with that. LOL!
Jen M.
(04-13-2010 10:08 AM)Litchie Wrote: [ -> ]It's funny how becoming a father doesn't impact someone's life like becoming a mother does. If I was a man, maybe I would want kids.
I liked your story very much and I feel the same way as you do. I am a male and I have to say that having kids never interested me. If I had a woman that will do all the work, I would still not want to have any kids.
For me it's the constant crying, screaming, attention, and finances that makes it unappealing to me. Nothing in the world can make me want to have any kids.
The thing about it not impacting the lives of men is that if it is not, then they are crappy fathers, full stop. I know plenty of men who are fathers whose lives have been impacted by it, and who welcome that.
It's unfortunate that so many men detach from fatherhood in the way you have described (Yes. I see it, too.)
I think I'm extra-sensitive about that, because my father abandoned me and my mother when I was very, very little--I don't even remember the man. (They divorced.) I grew up with my extended family, and while I had father figures in my grandfather and uncle, the concept of "dad"--even to this day--is very foreign to me. I now have step father, of whom I'm very fond, but I don't feel that "dad" connection to him. It's kind of sad. He's more like a close friend.
I think that ANY parent that detaches from their children probably just should not have become a parent, regardless of what sex they are.
Jen M.
Litchie - welcome! I think that your story resonates with many of us, myself included.
It's nearly impossible to find friends w/o kids. I'm 40 and many people I went to college with are just getting around to having kids NOW - at 40! New parents in their 40s are nightmarish - the worst kind of obsessed.
People who had their kids young and have already had them move out of the house can be good friends - like if they are in their early 50s or so and the kids are responsible, living on their own, etc. Or divorced men who don't have custody.
But those groups are limited in number and quality! I feel your pain!
I think many of us also have moments when we wish we wanted kids, as well. It would certainly be easier in many ways. But you have to be true to yourself. You've found a like-minded group here. This board can provide a lot of support. Glad you're here.
First off
to WKYN boards Litchie. Your story was very interesting. I am happy for you that you found us. I hope you have loads of fun posting here. And maybe meet new pals here as well.
But I have to agree with what Tommy said
Quote:For me it's the constant crying, screaming, attention, and finances that makes it unappealing to me. Nothing in the world can make me want to have any kids.
This is how I feel too and How I have always felt.
And nothing in the world will change that feeling for me.
I am blessed with a wonderful husband who also shares my feelings about children.
Don't get me wrong. I am an aunt 10 times over and a great aunt 7 times over. I love all our kids, But in small doses. When my nieces and nephews were young, and would act out in a social situation. I had to excuse myself and leave till things settled down.
And was very happy when said occasion was over so they would go HOME where they belong, lol.
But anyway, the choice to bare a child will ALWAYS be yours Litchie. So its up to you to decide what you want out of your own life. No one can or should tell you what to do. Its all up to you
So
to you
(04-14-2010 10:58 AM)catsnotkids Wrote: [ -> ]Litchie - welcome! I think that your story resonates with many of us, myself included.
It's nearly impossible to find friends w/o kids. I'm 40 and many people I went to college with are just getting around to having kids NOW - at 40! New parents in their 40s are nightmarish - the worst kind of obsessed.
What a time for me to read that! Last night I had talked to a woman by phone (someone that had befriended me from another discussion board).
She's my age and she just got divorced (her husband just left her) and has a son 30 years old (he is mad at her and not speaking to her).
She told me,
"I think that it's very stupid and selfish that people in their 40s are just having kids. They get married in their 20s and then just decide to pop out babies in their 40s because they figure that time is running out and they need someone to take care of them when they get old and in the nursing home. When you are in your 20s, you have the energy to run around with your child. When you are in your 40s you just don't have the energy and patience."
I said AMEN to that sister! She was very emotional about it. I didn't want to get her started about my sister. You know, the one that started adopting a baby in her mid-50s. Also, that woman was OK about me never wanting to have kids.
Thank you everyone for the warm welcome. I really appreciate it.
I just had the worst phone conversation of my life. My narcissistic mom and I have always avoided the subject of my decision to remain childfree, but for some reason, it came up today. Basically, she accused me of not doing my part for society, of "wasting" my life doing unimportant things like travelling or exercising and told me she was scared I would regret my choice when I was 60. I yelled at her that she wasn't able of empathy, that for her, not having kids would have been a bad decision (or maybe not) but that for me, having kids is not a good idea either.
I'm not someone who yells. I never yell at people. She really, really hurt me today and I'm not sure what I'll do next. Right now, I'm ready to never speak to her again.
She said she had to grieve my decision, poor little her. As always, my decision is all about her.
The worst was when I told her it was a hard decision and that I had to grieve it too. She said "well, maybe this means that deeply, you want to have children if you find it so hard". I lost it. I yelled at her it's not the absence of kids that makes me sad, it's losing all my friends because they have no more time for me, it's being judged all the time by everyone just like she's doing now, it's being marginal in this society.
I'm so hurt and so angry at the same time right now. I'm glad I have this place to vent without risking being judged again.
You know what she's like. Prepare yourself to blow her off whenever you can't avoid her.
(04-18-2010 01:06 PM)Litchie Wrote: [ -> ]As always, my decision is all about her.
Unfortunately, that little sentence sums up so many mothers. Perhaps these particular mothers shouldn't have had children, because that's not what parenting is supposed to be about. My mother believed I owed her everything, I owed her my life, just because she was my mother.
If she's not physically dependent on you like mine was, then you can avoid her, stop speaking to her, move on and live your life as you want to. I wish I'd been able to do that, then I wouldn't feel so much anger, depression, guilt and bitterness 15 years on since her death. She's long gone, and yet the feelings she left behind are still trying to control me.
(04-18-2010 05:33 PM)anastasia Wrote: [ -> ]If she's not physically dependent on you like mine was, then you can avoid her, stop speaking to her, move on and live your life as you want to. I wish I'd been able to do that, then I wouldn't feel so much anger, depression, guilt and bitterness 15 years on since her death. She's long gone, and yet the feelings she left behind are still trying to control me.
I moved 550km away from her to go to University and it still wasn't enough so I moved another 200km further. There's now a day's worth of driving between us. Thank God.
I know what you mean when you say the feelings she left behind are still trying to control you. My mother is still alive, but inside of me, there's this little demon who constantly criticizes me and who's never happy, no matter what I do.
My mother doesn't give my shit like you and Anastasia have described, but she has said and done other hurtful things.
Just know that your life is yours, and you're right--no one here will judge you.
Jen M.
((Litchie)) I'm sorry your mom is not accepting your decision. I hope she's able to come to terms with it in the near future.
(04-19-2010 10:20 AM)catsnotkids Wrote: [ -> ]((Litchie)) I'm sorry your mom is not accepting your decision. I hope she's able to come to terms with it in the near future.
Thanks! In fact, she never accepted me for who I am, so this is not different. She's always wanted me to be more-this and less-that. I'm pretty sure if I had kids she'd find other ways to criticize me.
(04-13-2010 10:08 AM)Litchie Wrote: [ -> ]Like a lot of CF people, the thought of being pregnant grossed me out from an early age.
I am glad to know it's not just me. When I tell people that the whole idea of being pregnant and giving birth completely grosses me out, they just have no concept of that. Seriously! EW!!!!!!
(04-13-2010 10:08 AM)Litchie Wrote: [ -> ]...being with kids for too long was getting on my nerves. I was so annoyed by them at times, yet charmed by some of those kids at other times. I think that's when I decided to be an aunt rather than a mother.
I don't hate kids and I can handle them in small doses. When I stop and wonder if my life would be enhanced at this exact moment if I had a child, the answer is always no, except maybe at Christmas. So, I know that I'm not on the fence about this.
Exactly how I feel. Love my nieces and nephews to pieces....but I can really only hang out with them for so long.
(04-13-2010 10:08 AM)Litchie Wrote: [ -> ]I'm in my early-thirties and most of my friends now have kids. As a result, I've been left behind because I don't share their interests anymore. Seriously, they are slaves to their kids and they have no other interests in life anymore. I can handle some baby talk, but at some point, can we please talk about something else? As a result, I often end up hanging out with the men, because they still talk about interesting things. It's funny how becoming a father doesn't impact someone's life like becoming a mother does. If I was a man, maybe I would want kids.
Exact same boat. Your post makes me feel so much better that there are other people out there who think the same way I do! PHEW!
(04-18-2010 05:33 PM)anastasia Wrote: [ -> ] (04-18-2010 01:06 PM)Litchie Wrote: [ -> ]As always, my decision is all about her.
Unfortunately, that little sentence sums up so many mothers. Perhaps these particular mothers shouldn't have had children, because that's not what parenting is supposed to be about. My mother believed I owed her everything, I owed her my life, just because she was my mother.
If she's not physically dependent on you like mine was, then you can avoid her, stop speaking to her, move on and live your life as you want to. I wish I'd been able to do that, then I wouldn't feel so much anger, depression, guilt and bitterness 15 years on since her death. She's long gone, and yet the feelings she left behind are still trying to control me.
AIN'T THIS THE TRUTH! OMG does this mean I have 14 more years of grief after the fact? LOL Gawd No, I hope not. I am hoping now that my mother is gone, I can learn to LIVE again! AND not have any of her habits inside me. Sadly, that won't always work, but I do try. And that does count for something
Litchie: Baby you are still young. And its up to you to decided how you should live your life. If your mother & others are not accepting of your CF status, then to hell with them.
This is YOUR life and no one should tell you how to live it.
It is a shame,
And I do feel your pain. But, bottom line is no one has the right to make you feel guilty about anything.
And Parents love to throw out that guilt card.
So, try to ignore it. And
in whatever you do