My best friend is engaged. And I am both happy and sad about it. I'm happy for her because I want her to be happy and she really likes her fiance. I'm sad because she has moved 8 hours away to be with him when he was transferred. I don't really know him because we've only met a handful of times and he doesn't talk much. But from some of the things that she has told me, I'm started to get worried about her.
- She moved away from her friends and family to be with him.
- He doesn't want her to work, so she hasn't found a job and just stays at home all day.
- He refuses to refer to her as his fiance. Not that he just forgets and called her his girlfriend, but just that her refuses to call her his fiance.
There are several other little things that she has told me and I'm wanting to be supportive and give her suggestions of ways that they can compromise. However, I'm starting to get worried about her possibly being in a bad situation. I don't think that he hits her or anything, but he seems to be getting more unreasonable and I'm worried that he is too controlling. She is already so isolated and hasn't made many friends. I'm just starting to worry about her and wondering if she's putting up with this because she's already invested so much into the relationship.
Does anyone have any advice?
These are the big red warning flags of a controller. I hope someone she might actually listen to will tell her that. But during engagements, it's very hard to get them to listen to logic. I wish her the best. This has to be hard for you to watch.
Maybe you could direct her to some of the advice columns that are constantly listing these warning signs. There are also whole sites devoted to detecting controllers.
ETA: I found this, but there are oodles.
http://www.catalogs.com/info/bestof/top-...-boyfriend
Even better:
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/02...-husbands/
I agree these are warning signs of a controller, especially the not allowing her to work issue. I don't know of any guy who doesn't want his partner to work, everyone likes more income. That shit is out of date and scary.
I don't think there is really much you can say if she's happy and in love, especially since she's given up so much and now that she's jobless and friendless in a new town, he is her whole life. Even if she might be a bit concerned, she might ignore it because she's sacrificed so much and doesn't want go backwards, in her mind. That's how I felt when I married my first husband, red flags all over the fucking place, but I ignored every one of them because I was scared, alone, embarrassed and had nowhere else to go, so I just sat around hoping everything would be okay. I didn't pay attention to how things really were instead, at least not for a long time. When I snapped out of it, I kicked him the curb. I sometimes find myself regretting ever meeting him, but the whole experience made me into a stronger and smarter person.
Wow, that sucks, but it's all so true.
I was prepared to disagree with you at point #1 -- I moved across the country to be with my now-husband. If one of you is tied to a job that is very local (he was in government work), then the other has to move if the relationship is to flourish.
But yeah, the rest just cements it. If you care about her, probably the best thing you can do -- the only thing you can do -- is keep the lines of communication open, and be ready to help her escape.
Eslbee, thank you for linking those articles. Even though he doesn't show all of the warning signs, he definitely shows some of them. I'm going to forward them to my friend and just point out the signs that she has mentioned to me. She might not agree that he is exhibiting those warning signs, but I know that she won't be offended if I send her the articles...and at least I will have said something.
Wow - that's scary. What's with him not wanting her to work? That's messed up all around. This keeps her isolated as well as dependent on him financially.
There's no way she can stand up to this guy and get a job? I'd be afraid for her if I were you. He could just be controlling for now - could be worse down the road. Good luck with forwarding her the articles - I hope she takes it well!
I've heard the comment that abuse is a progressive problem. If he were a complete asshole right from the start, and only ever an asshole, then nobody would tolerate that behaviour and he would remain single (my coworker is an example of this - he's impossible to be around all the time). The problem is that some people are able to act charming at the start, and then over time they start to deteriorate at times. And yet they also remain very nice much of the time, because if they were always bad then it would be unlivable and the partner would leave. That's where the "But he's so nice to me afterward - he really doesn't mean to" mentality is so destructive.
I'm not saying that he is or isn't abusive, or that his behaviour is indicative of the future, but it's something to think about...
When I saw the subject line, I thought you were talking about your Boyfriend's fiance and I was wondering how exactly that was working out for you, LOL!
Anyway, the guy sounds like a control freak. I would be worried for your friend too.
Ziggy's post is exactly right. Abusers will start out being gentle and loving but will eventually show their true colors when it it too late for the victim to leave. Not wanting a mate to work is a huge red flag because one of the easiest ways to control a person is by controlling them financially.
Old time people here will remember when I finally left my situation. The big thing was when I cashed out a 401k so I could leave and my grandmother said how she wouldn't let me leave and then she got a look in her eyes when she realized the money was in my name and my name only. Even though it was another two months before I actually left, I knew I had won in that instant when she knew that I was in control.
(03-26-2010 04:00 AM)Eddy Wrote: [ -> ]Ziggy's post is exactly right. Abusers will start out being gentle and loving but will eventually show their true colors when it it too late for the victim to leave. Not wanting a mate to work is a huge red flag because one of the easiest ways to control a person is by controlling them financially.
That's what I'm worried about. She has a decent amount of money in savings, but that is starting to dwindle because he doesn't give her much money and expects her to spend her savings if she wants to do stuff. He has "promised" her that, once they are married, he will give her an "allowance" but until then she needs to spend her own money. That seems completely insane to me. If he doesn't want her to work then he should be giving her money or, at the very least, paying her back for the money that she is spending (especially on stuff like groceries for the both of them). He said that, "he isn't comfortable mixing finances til after they are married."
I did send her an email with links to those articles. She hasn't responded to the email or mentioned it when we've talked. I'm hesitant to bring it up again, but I figure that I've planted the seed. So hopefully everytime he acts like an ass, there will be something in the back of her mind recognizing the behavior as being controlling. I've been trying to convince her that they need to do some pre-marriage counselling, but she doesn't have the money and he refuses to pay for it. I might just offer to pay for it myself, then he won't have that excuse for not wanting to do it. And if he isn't willing to do counselling, maybe she will recognize that he isn't willing to change.
If they have any religious affiliation, the counseling is free. Also, I'd be willing to bet that women's centers do free counseling, too, and if he won't go, she should go without him.
(03-26-2010 01:37 PM)eslbee Wrote: [ -> ]If they have any religious affiliation, the counseling is free. Also, I'd be willing to bet that women's centers do free counseling, too, and if he won't go, she should go without him.
I know they don't go to church, and my friend is agnostic. I'm not sure about her fiance' (although I'm guess by his attitude that he was raised Baptist). They live in a pretty small town, so I'd be surprised if they have a women's center, but I'll check.
(03-26-2010 01:58 PM)kristin9924 Wrote: [ -> ] (03-26-2010 01:37 PM)eslbee Wrote: [ -> ]If they have any religious affiliation, the counseling is free. Also, I'd be willing to bet that women's centers do free counseling, too, and if he won't go, she should go without him.
I know they don't go to church, and my friend is agnostic. I'm not sure about her fiance' (although I'm guess by his attitude that he was raised Baptist). They live in a pretty small town, so I'd be surprised if they have a women's center, but I'll check.
The more I learn about this guy, the weirder he sounds and the creepier it feels. Has anyone done a background check on him?
(03-26-2010 02:24 PM)eslbee Wrote: [ -> ]The more I learn about this guy, the weirder he sounds and the creepier it feels. Has anyone done a background check on him?
No. Even if I did, he has a pretty common name and has a job that transfers him every couple of years, so it might be hard to track down information on him. Although it is definitely worth a try.
I'm getting a very bad vibe from this situation. The fact that he says she'll get an allowance but needs to spend her own money until the wedding disturbs me. She spends her money until she has nothing and then she is totally reliant on him. Very bad sign.
I'm with Eddy. This guy gets worse and worse. In NY state (not sure about other states) there are community mental health places run at the county level. They have sliding scale mental health treatment - usually down to $5/session. Since she has no income she should qualify.
It doesn't sound like anything good can come from this. He sounds scary. And I mean that sincerely as a person who was married to an abuser.
(03-24-2010 04:08 PM)CF Scorpio Wrote: [ -> ]When I saw the subject line, I thought you were talking about your Boyfriend's fiance and I was wondering how exactly that was working out for you, LOL!
Anyway, the guy sounds like a control freak. I would be worried for your friend too.
LOL CFS Glad I was not the only one that thought the same exact thing, LMAO
But seriously ITA too many red flags screams control freak to me.
So, I wish you the best of luck in dealing with your best friend Kristin
^I thought so too, heh.
@kristin: I'm so sorry your friend is going through this, I hope she comes to her senses. It definitely sounds like he's exhibiting controlling behaviors, and very likely it will get worse as time goes on. These guys tend to break a woman down slowly over time, like the saying about frogs and boiling water: if you put them in when it's already boiling they'll jump out, but if you put them in cold water and slowly increase the heat til it's boiling, they will just stay there. Men like that get more and more controlling slowly, so that the women sometimes don't realize what is happening. My last relationship was with a very controlling man. At first he was so sweet and attentive that I thought he was great, but slowly the attention got stronger and more negative. He slowly started putting me down and picking at what he deemed my faults so that my self esteem just disintegrated over time. Fortunately, I hadn't invested much more than time and energy into the relationship (didn't live with him or anything like that) and when I snapped out of it, cutting ties was relatively easy.
From a former abused wife, there are definitely red flags here. Like someone above said, point #1 by itself isn't a red flag (I moved cross country to be with now hubby for Army), but combined with the others it is a huge waving red blanket.
My first husband started out all nice and normal and gentle, then gradually I lost contact with friends, and family. Although he didn't force me to quit my job (it was quite the opposite, I ended up having to support BOTH of us), he controlled me in other ways. NOT ALL ABUSE IS PHYSICAL, nor does it always escalate to that point....though it usually does to some extent.
I was subjected to isolation, name calling, embarrassment...I was literally driven crazy (I did two stints in a mental ward) because he would twist and manipulate and blame me to the point where I didn't know if up was down, or down was up. My self esteem was at an all time low and I blamed myself for everything that happened, and often believed it was my fault he was doing what he did, or for the fights that occurred. He would start terrible screaming matches often because I mentioned something small, like taking out the trash, and he would flip out. I remember being cornered by him in a rage, and I would be so frightened that I would throw a punch so that I could get out of the room...which would anger him more, and he would pick me up and toss me on the ground and hold me there screaming. His temper was off the charts...if he was putting something together (like a bike, something that required assembly) and he couldn't do it correctly, he would EXPLODE.
When I married my current husband and he began putting together a BBQ and it wasn't coming together correctly, I braced for an explosion, I literally flinched when he started getting aggravated...but he simply sighed and went on about muttering to himself and putting it together. I burst into tears....my ex-husband had given me a form of PTSD.
All I can say is that you cannot force your best friend to realize what she has gotten herself into...my whole family saw what was going on for FOUR YEARS, and stood by trying to tell me to get out. I wouldn't listen, I couldn't honestly see it. The day it hit me was one night when he picked me up by my ribcage and my neck and tossed me halfway across the room where I landed face-down on the bed, then called me a stream of obscenities, and left to go into the arms of yet again ANOTHER woman (he cheated on me throughout the entire relationship). I filed for divorce the next day. She has to realize for herself when ENOUGH is ENOUGH. No amount of pleading on anyone's part is going to convince her, and it may even drive her away. Your best bet is to voice your concerns, but be supportive. Make sure that you are there for her, and no matter what, don't give up on her. Often times abused women get a bad rep. because they continually go back to their abusers...but it's a cycle that can be broken once they have the self esteem and the means to leave.
Sorry for the novel...
I hope your friend is able to overcome her situation and I commend you for being such a good friend! I never had friends like you around when I needed them the most; she will appreciate your kindness and caring.