When I was a child I was led to believe that all people end up having children at some point, that it is just a necessary part of life. This being an absolute in my mind, at an early age I decided that adoption was the only route for me because the idea of incubating a fetus was disgusting to me. I must've been about nine years old when I decided I would adopt. Back then, and honestly still today, I see a pregnancy as a kind of parasite that sucks the lifeblood out of the woman inflicted with it. Probably a harsh view, but that's just always what it seemed like to me.
As I grew older and realized that there were more lifestyle choices available and that parenthood was not a necessary evil to being human, I changed my mind and decided no kids full stop. This notion was considered "cute" and "funny" when I was still feasibly young, but as I'm hitting my mid-twenties now and am no longer in the "a kid myself" box, I'm starting to get more hostility when I mention that I don't want children.
Funny that women who want or have children somehow find it offensive that I don't want the same things as them. I also don't like chocolate, but I've never met a chocolate lover or a woman in possession of a Snickers bar who would be made angry by that. I suppose chocolate is one of those things where...people who like or want it look at a non-chocolate lover and think "good, more for me." But when it comes to children...parents and potential parents need validation of their wants by universal acceptance of their superiority over every other choice. I wish they had the chocolate attitude of "good, more for me" and would thereby leave me alone.
Granted, the hostility, though it bothers me, isn't that important. The people who I really care about in my life are all fully supportive of my choice and some have made the same choice themselves. I suppose I never went through much of a struggle with it, I didn't grow up in a particularly religious household. We were a bit scattered as far as religion goes, several different influences but no one bedrock creed to dictate how I perceived the world. I basically made my mind up years ago and haven't budged since. Though I do feel pressure sometimes, from friends with children, pushy aunts, etc, I don't ever plan on folding...I think that if the choice is between pressure or poopy diapers, bring on the pressure!
That's a very good way of phrasing it - I'd choose pressure over diapers any time! Plus the pressure is temporary but the child lasts a lifetime...
Thanks for sharing!
Isn't it funny how the people who want YOU to have kids aren't willing to do the work for YOU? They want YOU to do it all. Yeah, I want other people to do my work, too. But they just won't!
Welcome to the board! It's odd, the hostility, isn't it? It may not get better for a while - once you hit 40 people are pretty much done asking, though.
Quote:I wish they had the chocolate attitude of "good, more for me" and would thereby leave me alone.
LOL I love it!! You are so right on with that statement.
Although being a chocolate lover who has to be deprived of good chocolate
( due to diabetes) it sickens me that you don't like chocolate, lol. But I understand it and accept it, and I would NEVER pester you about it.
Again
to the boards
Thanks for the warm welcome guys!
Ah well, even not enjoying sweets takes a sharp shift when I'm PMSing, Truckerswife, so my dislike for them takes a break once a month.
The hostility is definitely a strange beast that I don't understand fully. Well, I think I understand it...that it comes about from people who are not totally happy with their choice in having children and seeing someone who has made the choice never to reminds them of their own discontent and angers them...but it still makes no logical sense to me.
I remember arguing with a man (who was actually single and had no children) about the fact that I don't want children. I said that I wanted to be free to pursue the career choices and lifestyle that I wished to, that I wanted free time to pursue my hobbies and such. His snarky answer was basically in the vein of thought that my "hobbies" are a pale substitute to having children. As if children were somehow more than just a draining and lifelong hobby for those that choose to have them.
I hate that attitude that having children is some kind of noble calling, when in fact the choice to have children is never any less selfish than the choice not to. When it comes to what you want for your life, the choice is always selfish because you are deciding what
you want for your own life. It's never a noble, altruistic stance. It's about wants and desires and following through with your particular ones.
I don't understand how anyone can be hostile to someone for having different wants and desires than themselves. It was especially funny that that hostility in that case was coming from a man who didn't even have children yet. Why anyone would be so aggressively hostile in defending a situation they personally haven't even entered yet was mindboggling to me. And it seems a tad ridiculous that he was defending something I hadn't actually attacked. I never try to push my own lifestyle choices on other people. I might think that they are making the wrong choices, but that is their choice and I don't care what they do as I am not the one who has to live with the consequences.
I had a guy the other day telling me what I had missed. I had to keep repeating I don't miss a damn thing until he went away. He actually told me it was worth managing on only five hours of sleep a night! I said, "No, not to me, it isn't. I value my sleep, my money, my privacy and my time. No amount of manipulating a small person would ever compensate me for the loss of all that." And I had to keep saying it. It's been a long time since I had a conversation like that, as I'm almost 57 and most people seem to realize I am deeply set in my ways.
The hostility comes from the fact that sheeple--the average person--feel very threatened by those of us who can step and live outside of the status quo. They are especially threatened by strong, free-willed women.
It's an ancient, ancient brand of hostility. It's very uncomfortable, but knowing where it comes from makes it easier to deal with or ignore.
Simply put: They are mad because you were brave enough to stick by your own principles and live life on YOUR terms. (Generic "you.")
Welcome!
Jen M.
Thank you for your story. I never thought about the chocolate comparison.
It is very odd how people act toward you when you nicely tell them you are not going to be having a child of your own. They find it offensive to THEM! lol
I wanted to reply to CatsNotKids note here: They will still bug you in your 40's now that 50 some women are having children.
(02-24-2010 07:27 PM)TinySpouse Wrote: [ -> ]I wanted to reply to CatsNotKids note here: They will still bug you in your 40's now that 50 some women are having children.
That's a good point. One person who knows I'm fixed tells me that "you could always adopt!"
Yes! I just got that "excited" tone when I told a friend that Hubby and I were talking about Adoption. She did not let me finish my sentence. lol She believed we were the one's adopting...when it was really about us talking about the Adoption in Haiti.
They only hear what they want to. lol
That is crazy, catsnotkids! That someone who knows you chose to get your tubes tied would actually suggest adoption. These people just don't get it...
I think all this insanity with hormone injections, in vitro, surrogates is probably going to make it harder for any of us to reach an age where the hostility and questions fully stop. These medical options for becoming pregnant at an age when it shouldn't be possible any longer are already becoming more mainstream. I can only wonder if the pressure will be less or worse twenty to thirty years down the line when I finally hit menopause. Or if people will start bugging me about why I didn't freeze some eggsicles or why don't I just carry someone else's embryo or why not adopt them. The world's gone mad.
When we ladies hit menopause, we'll be facing GRANDbaby rabies! Mark my words! Don't you know EVERY woman wants to be a GRAMMY? *eye roll*
Jen M.
(03-08-2010 07:17 PM)Bittercat Wrote: [ -> ]When we ladies hit menopause, we'll be facing GRANDbaby rabies! Mark my words! Don't you know EVERY woman wants to be a GRAMMY? *eye roll*
Jen M.
Seriously - the grandmas can be as bad as the moms. At my old gym there was a passel of them - they spoke of nothing but grandkids most of the time. Dullsville.
I hate when women talk only about the value of breeding and the wonders of moomyhood or grannyhood. :: Yawn :: That's the one thing I hate about my pink collar profession-I find my few male colleauges rarely ask about kids, and its usually after we have actually got to know each other, and I love how their response is usually like, "that's cool" and the next topic is brought up. I know guys can be just as bad with the pressure to breed, but that generally hasn't been my experience.
(03-08-2010 07:17 PM)Bittercat Wrote: [ -> ]When we ladies hit menopause, we'll be facing GRANDbaby rabies! Mark my words! Don't you know EVERY woman wants to be a GRAMMY? *eye roll*
Jen M.
OMG That is soooooo true Jen. My SIL is living though her grandkids now. And I know inside herself ( she won't admit it, but I know its there) she wishes I was a granny too.
NO WAY JOSE, NO F*cking way LOL Besides that I AM passed menopause.
And on my way to "Napapause".. Us oldsters love to take naps in blissful peace & quiet
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
