We Kid You Not Childfree Forums

Carolyn Hax
http://www.arcamax.com/carolynhax/s-684605-828440

Dear Carolyn:
I do not want kids, and my fiance is fine with that. My parents know this (and have had decades to manage their disappointment) but my future in-laws do not. Are we supposed to tell them? They are lovely, non-pushy people, but I know that eventually they will not be able to stop themselves from asking. Is it better to say something before the wedding? What do we say that doesn't sound crushing?
-- Virginia

I strongly advise that "we" don't say anything about your not wanting children. Instead, their son should tell them (post-nup is fine), "We have decided not to have children." Who initiated this decision is not relevant, and only will serve to divide you two in their eyes, between "our son" and "the reason I won't hold my grandbabies."

I suspect many will go a step further to say it's not his parents' business, but telling them is a gesture to spare "lovely people" from false hopes.

This answer is markedly different from another I read somewhere recently (possibly Dear Prudence) where she said not to tell them anything because the writer might change her mind. In my opinion, people who don't want kids really ought to get a sterilization procedure as soon as they can. That way there will be nothing to discuss and no mind-changing.

I'm amazed that the decision wasn't given the usual "oh you'll change your mind" treatment. I do like the point of not saying who made the choice since it would be seen as a wedge to drive between the couple.

I prefer the option of not saying anything about it. It's pretty much guaranteed that the parents will bring up the topic eventually anyway. If at some point it has to be discussed with the parents for whatever reason, IMO it would be better for the four of them to discuss it instead of the son telling the parents. That would eliminate the scenario of: "What did you say? How did you say it? What did they say? How did they react? Are they upset- and if so, how upset?"

You know we've told both sets of parents at some point that we're not having kids. My parents had the crying/screaming fest and his mom just shrugged and said something along the lines of "You shouldn't have them if you don't want them..."
FIL has recently hinted at grand kids, but I have no idea if MIL ever told him of our conversation (which was several years ago), and he hasn't come right out and ask when we're having them, so we don't feel the need to explain ourselves.

His parents also don't know I'm sterile. My parents knew because my mom is crazy and delusional and knew I was having surgery for the exploratory laparoscopy/ablation/tubal but still has convinced herself that it didn't happen. Yes, she's seriously delusional.

DH said it was none of his parents' business. If the topic came up at all, whether just him, just me, or both of us, THEN we could say something, but as far as he's concerned my sterility and our choice isn't anyone's business- family or not.