01-23-2010, 06:07 PM
I'm sorry up front for this being so long. I thought I'd do a short and to the point entry, but no such luck!
I came to understand that I hated kids and never wanted to have any when I was about 5 years old. I remember looking at the kids around me in kindergarten one day and actually thinking that they were loud and not terribly bright, and I had zero desire to grow up and be a mommy someday. I always gravitated towards adults, as long as I can remember, even though as a kid I'm sure I bored the hell out of them with my limited conversation skills. I still preferred hanging around them because they were calm and quiet.
I told my mother I wasn't going to have any babies when I grew up, and she was fine with it. She said I'd probably change my mind, but if I didn't it was okay. My grandmother was from the country, so she couldn't imagine what the hell I was talking about. Of *course* I was going to change my mind when I grew up. EVERY woman wants babies! One year she gave me a Betsy-Wetsy doll for my birthday and I was horrified. I must have been around 6 - 8 years old at the time, and the thought that this doll could pee or poop or scream or cry terrified me and I never actually took it out of the box or touched it. I put it in the bottom of my closet and never looked at it again until I threw it away years later. The only doll I liked was Barbie--she had a career, she had a house, she went to the beach all the time, she was a fashionista, and she was TOTALLY childfree in my mind. Having kids wasn't even a consideration for Barbie, so why should it be for me?
I never really heard much criticism for being CF while growing up, and I really think this is because no one actually believed me. My mother would constantly say things like, "When you have your own kids, you'll understand why I'm doing this..." or "I hope you have kids just like you!" Which is weird because not only was I not lying when I said I didn't want any kids, having kids just like me would have been great if I wanted them. I was as straight as an arrow and an honor student, never did one goddamned thing wrong, nothing. If I wanted kids, it would be great if they were like me. But each time I'd have to explain to her that I'm not having kids, like, for real, and she'd always answer, "I don't blame you."
I was 16 years old when I heard my first "selfish" remark. It was from my first boyfriend. We dated from when I was 15-17, and he was 20-22. I told him many times I was never having kids, but I think he never really believed me until the night he told me I was selfish and that's why I didn't want them. Only his dumbass redneck accent had him saying "Yerrrr SAY-uhlll-fessshhh." I was shocked because I'd never heard that before, never could possibly conceive of such a thing. How could not wanting to be a mother make me selfish? I thought selfish meant taking a ton of stuff for yourself and not sharing things with people, like being greedy. I just hate kids, I'm not greedy. I just wanted to live peacefully and quietly and not have to deal with bullshit. His angry opinion about my life choice didn't do anything to change my mind and make me suddenly want kids. I wasn't selfish, he was just a fucking asshole.
Being CF became an issue with only one other boyfriend. I told him from day one I was never having kids. I was in my 20s by then, but he didn't believe me. I found out he didn't believe me when we were breaking up, he started screaming at me: "And how would we raise our children??!!! You'll want them be Jewish and I'll want them to be Christian!!" Really? What part of I'm not having children didn't you hear? (And what part of I'm an atheist and not Jewish at all didn't you hear, either?) He just replied that I couldn't really mean that, *everyone* wants children. When I told him I wasn't lying, he just said, "I'm not leaving this planet without continuing my genes!" That was the first time it clicked for me what the deal was for most people. I honestly didn't know that the real reason most people want kids is for the ego-stroking DNA trophy aspect. The farthest thought from my mind is leaving my worthless DNA behind. Why would I do that? Aren't there enough useless people on this overcrowded and dying planet? I could never, EVER think I was so special, I could never be so selfish and arrogant.
Over the years after that, if I heard anything from anyone, it was "You'll change your mind!" I know one other person who flat out refused to believe me. I'd tell him over and over I'm CF and he'd just say, "Someday you can bring your kids to visit me..." It got to the point that I started to question myself. Could I possibly change my mind and suddenly like children and actually want to have them in my life? I still hated them and I was over 30. I don't feel comfortable near them, talking to them, looking at them, etc. Could I wake up someday and feel the complete opposite? Do I really not know myself like I think I do? I kept meeting women who told me they changed their minds and were soooooo happy they started breeding. Even though they hated kids, they loved their own kids; even though they never wanted to have them, they woke up one day suddenly wanting them. It was kind of scary to think that I didn't have a grip on my mind like I thought I did. I mean, I love sushi and always have. Could I wake up one day and decide I hate sushi and never touch it again? Could my brain really be this unstable?
My first husband didn't care if I wanted kids or not, and we were only married 18 months so it was a non-issue. But when I met my second husband, I told him on our second date that I was never having kids, so if that was important to him, he could move on and find a breeder. He always bought into the LifeScript, so he just assumed he'd have kids. So he asked me if it was possible I might change my mind. At that point I was still under the impression that my mind wasn't my own, and that maybe I would change my mind someday like just everyone on the planet told me I would. So I told him if I woke up suddenly loving and wanting children someday, that I would adopt, because there's no point in making more of these things.
So he kind of held on to that, and I was still waiting for the big bolt of lightning to come and change me into a completely new person, because that's what it would take for me to actually like children. After a couple of years, it became to clear to him that I wasn't going to change my mind, and nothing would make me like kids. But he proposed anyway because he was happy with me and wanted to be with me instead of dumping me and looking for some fictitious woman out there who may want to have his children. When he decided being a father was not necessary for him to be happy, he was ready to marry me. We've been married almost 8 years now and he has no regrets at all, and often expresses how glad he is that we don't have to deal with all the kid horror that his friends, family members and co-workers have to deal with.
I'm 41 and I know my mind, and I'll never, ever turn into to a person who loves kids, or who regrets not being a mother. I have mothering instincts towards animals, not humans, and I have three dogs and a new career working with dogs. I've never regretted not having a screaming lifesucking poop machine in my house making constant demands and hating me when it becomes a teenager. I look at pregnant women and feel physically ill, I look at kids and cringe, I hear kids shrieking and it actually makes me angry. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, too bad most people are too easily influenced by peer pressure to know that.
I came to understand that I hated kids and never wanted to have any when I was about 5 years old. I remember looking at the kids around me in kindergarten one day and actually thinking that they were loud and not terribly bright, and I had zero desire to grow up and be a mommy someday. I always gravitated towards adults, as long as I can remember, even though as a kid I'm sure I bored the hell out of them with my limited conversation skills. I still preferred hanging around them because they were calm and quiet.
I told my mother I wasn't going to have any babies when I grew up, and she was fine with it. She said I'd probably change my mind, but if I didn't it was okay. My grandmother was from the country, so she couldn't imagine what the hell I was talking about. Of *course* I was going to change my mind when I grew up. EVERY woman wants babies! One year she gave me a Betsy-Wetsy doll for my birthday and I was horrified. I must have been around 6 - 8 years old at the time, and the thought that this doll could pee or poop or scream or cry terrified me and I never actually took it out of the box or touched it. I put it in the bottom of my closet and never looked at it again until I threw it away years later. The only doll I liked was Barbie--she had a career, she had a house, she went to the beach all the time, she was a fashionista, and she was TOTALLY childfree in my mind. Having kids wasn't even a consideration for Barbie, so why should it be for me?
I never really heard much criticism for being CF while growing up, and I really think this is because no one actually believed me. My mother would constantly say things like, "When you have your own kids, you'll understand why I'm doing this..." or "I hope you have kids just like you!" Which is weird because not only was I not lying when I said I didn't want any kids, having kids just like me would have been great if I wanted them. I was as straight as an arrow and an honor student, never did one goddamned thing wrong, nothing. If I wanted kids, it would be great if they were like me. But each time I'd have to explain to her that I'm not having kids, like, for real, and she'd always answer, "I don't blame you."
I was 16 years old when I heard my first "selfish" remark. It was from my first boyfriend. We dated from when I was 15-17, and he was 20-22. I told him many times I was never having kids, but I think he never really believed me until the night he told me I was selfish and that's why I didn't want them. Only his dumbass redneck accent had him saying "Yerrrr SAY-uhlll-fessshhh." I was shocked because I'd never heard that before, never could possibly conceive of such a thing. How could not wanting to be a mother make me selfish? I thought selfish meant taking a ton of stuff for yourself and not sharing things with people, like being greedy. I just hate kids, I'm not greedy. I just wanted to live peacefully and quietly and not have to deal with bullshit. His angry opinion about my life choice didn't do anything to change my mind and make me suddenly want kids. I wasn't selfish, he was just a fucking asshole.
Being CF became an issue with only one other boyfriend. I told him from day one I was never having kids. I was in my 20s by then, but he didn't believe me. I found out he didn't believe me when we were breaking up, he started screaming at me: "And how would we raise our children??!!! You'll want them be Jewish and I'll want them to be Christian!!" Really? What part of I'm not having children didn't you hear? (And what part of I'm an atheist and not Jewish at all didn't you hear, either?) He just replied that I couldn't really mean that, *everyone* wants children. When I told him I wasn't lying, he just said, "I'm not leaving this planet without continuing my genes!" That was the first time it clicked for me what the deal was for most people. I honestly didn't know that the real reason most people want kids is for the ego-stroking DNA trophy aspect. The farthest thought from my mind is leaving my worthless DNA behind. Why would I do that? Aren't there enough useless people on this overcrowded and dying planet? I could never, EVER think I was so special, I could never be so selfish and arrogant.
Over the years after that, if I heard anything from anyone, it was "You'll change your mind!" I know one other person who flat out refused to believe me. I'd tell him over and over I'm CF and he'd just say, "Someday you can bring your kids to visit me..." It got to the point that I started to question myself. Could I possibly change my mind and suddenly like children and actually want to have them in my life? I still hated them and I was over 30. I don't feel comfortable near them, talking to them, looking at them, etc. Could I wake up someday and feel the complete opposite? Do I really not know myself like I think I do? I kept meeting women who told me they changed their minds and were soooooo happy they started breeding. Even though they hated kids, they loved their own kids; even though they never wanted to have them, they woke up one day suddenly wanting them. It was kind of scary to think that I didn't have a grip on my mind like I thought I did. I mean, I love sushi and always have. Could I wake up one day and decide I hate sushi and never touch it again? Could my brain really be this unstable?
My first husband didn't care if I wanted kids or not, and we were only married 18 months so it was a non-issue. But when I met my second husband, I told him on our second date that I was never having kids, so if that was important to him, he could move on and find a breeder. He always bought into the LifeScript, so he just assumed he'd have kids. So he asked me if it was possible I might change my mind. At that point I was still under the impression that my mind wasn't my own, and that maybe I would change my mind someday like just everyone on the planet told me I would. So I told him if I woke up suddenly loving and wanting children someday, that I would adopt, because there's no point in making more of these things.
So he kind of held on to that, and I was still waiting for the big bolt of lightning to come and change me into a completely new person, because that's what it would take for me to actually like children. After a couple of years, it became to clear to him that I wasn't going to change my mind, and nothing would make me like kids. But he proposed anyway because he was happy with me and wanted to be with me instead of dumping me and looking for some fictitious woman out there who may want to have his children. When he decided being a father was not necessary for him to be happy, he was ready to marry me. We've been married almost 8 years now and he has no regrets at all, and often expresses how glad he is that we don't have to deal with all the kid horror that his friends, family members and co-workers have to deal with.
I'm 41 and I know my mind, and I'll never, ever turn into to a person who loves kids, or who regrets not being a mother. I have mothering instincts towards animals, not humans, and I have three dogs and a new career working with dogs. I've never regretted not having a screaming lifesucking poop machine in my house making constant demands and hating me when it becomes a teenager. I look at pregnant women and feel physically ill, I look at kids and cringe, I hear kids shrieking and it actually makes me angry. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, too bad most people are too easily influenced by peer pressure to know that.
