We Kid You Not Childfree Forums

As a child and a teenager, I always assumed I'd get married and have kids. My parents were friends with a married couple who didn't have kids and always told us that they were "selfish". It was also pressed into me daily that having kids is the "best part of life" by my parents.

When I was in high school I assumed I'd go to college, meet a man and never have to work - just have a few kids and let my husband do all the making money. I babysat and - get this - volunteered at a day care center!

When I went to college I took some Women's Studies classes from some pretty radical instructors. One class in particular really changed my perspective - the purpose of the class was to "prove" that there are very few biological differences between men and women and those that there are do not create significant differences in the behavior of men and women - EXCEPT that women have babies. The class just blew my mind and turned my life upside-down.

At some point in college I decided that children are an instrument of male oppression of women and that I'd never have any. Over time, this grew into a general dislike of children and a realization on how many levels I don't want kids - environmentally, personally, monetarily, etc. Although people told me all the time that I'd change my mind I just grew more sure as the years went on. The reasons not to reproduce just kept piling up and continue to do so.

When I was 31 I started dating a guy who really wanted kids. We were pretty serious and it was a big issue. He once told my mother that he'd marry me even if we didn't have kids but it was the elephant in the living room for our entire relationship. I always worried that he'd leave me for someone who wanted kids.

As our relationship progressed I realized I needed support from other people who didn't want kids and I found a childfree message board (I can't even remember the name of it anymore!) and later, the old Montyclift board. It was SO amazing to have found other people who didn't want kids! I finally felt validated and like I was a "real" person - not a freak. This board (in all its incarnations) has been my touchstone ever since - the people here keep me from thinking I'm nuts.

That guy and I did split up - he's married now to a much younger woman so I'm sure he'll get his chance to reproduce.

I got Essure at age 35 - never once regretted it. That was just after the 2004 election and it just seemed like the right time.

I did have a falling out with the Catholic church over being CF - when the guy I mentioned above and I were talking about getting married I asked a priest if he'd marry us and he said that the words about being open to children would have to be part of the ceremony. I had been very active in the church but that was it for me - I haven't been to a mass since then.

OMG I never knew a college course changed your life. You should write to that prof and tell her so. LOL Wouldn't you LOVE to get a letter where someone told you the things you taught them completely changed their life for the better? LOL

That's awesome. It IS a slow wake up, though, isn't it. Not very many people were born realizing they didn't want kids... most of us had to deprogram from the lifescript we were spoon fed our whole lives.

I worked in a daycare, too, btw. Too funny! You and me, could you picture us now doing it?? LOL

That's a good idea - I will try to find her and write to her. She is an amazing person. Pretty funny that you worked in daycare, too! I didn't know that!

ITA with writing that professor, especially since I just finished reading "Tuesdays with Morrie." Kinda sappy story, but its great to acknowledge the impact she had on you.

BTW also I left the Catholic Church due to the whole "have to breed" oath in the wedding ceremony.

Quote:When I went to college I took some Women's Studies classes from some pretty radical instructors. One class in particular really changed my perspective - the purpose of the class was to "prove" that there are very few biological differences between men and women and those that there are do not create significant differences in the behavior of men and women - EXCEPT that women have babies. The class just blew my mind and turned my life upside-down.

I had a similar experience in college. A women's studies professor really encouraged all of us to look at things from different perspectives. To this day I am so glad I took her classes.

GREAT STORY CNK Thanks for sharing

I'm glad you were able to stick to your convictions, CNK! Like I said in another thread: It's a really lonely path sometimes, but you feel so much better about yourself.

It's just sad that you essentially lost your church over it. That is so fucked up to me.

A big part of the reason I left my Coven, though, is similar: They became very judgemental of me when I made it known that I was childfree and that was not going to change. Luckily, I am part of two temples now where it is just not an issue. It shouldn't be.

Jen M.

Mentioning being open to children had to be part of the ceremony? WOW. I thought they were to have an open mind to others beliefs.
LOL...I too worked with children for maaaaaaaaaany years. In Daycare and private homes. LOL