01-21-2010, 01:02 PM
I wrote this up for my No Kidding! chapter a few months ago at the request of a member. She had specifically asked about dating men with kids, which is why I focus on that topic below.
***
In my teens and 20s, I just assumed I would get married and have children someday, because "that's what everybody does". I babysat in my teens and actually liked kids. Then in my early 20s I worked retail and had to deal with a lot of obnoxious customers of all ages. Kids would come into the store and act bratty, steal and break things, spill drinks, stick their gum on the merchandise, etc. I really saw a whole other side to kids (and their parents).
Throughout my 20s and early 30s, I had boyfriends and I dated, but it never got to the point where anyone proposed marriage, so the kid issue was not really on my radar screen. I remember at one point, when I was about 29 or 30, thinking "If I want kids I will need to have them soon, but I don't know if I really want any."
In my mid to late 30s, the men in my dating pool were older, and many were divorced dads. I had 2 boyfriends in a row who had kids.
One had a teenaged daughter whom I got along with pretty well, but I didn't like the fact that his whole life revolved around her and that she was top priority. Don't get me wrong: I understand that a parent would want to put their child first. But because I had no child, I had no equivalent person to put first in my life, so there was an imbalance of time and affection between the 2 of us. Almost every weekend, he would go up to his house in the country and have her for the weekend.
The other boyfriend had 3 children, ages 6, 9 and 11. He had custody of them every other weekend, and he'd have to drive 2 hours away to get them. It was very overwhelming being around 3 kids. The older 2 were good kids, but the youngest one was very sullen and bratty and had emotional and behavioral issues. I bought them presents, took them fun places, etc., but I didn't realize how much the situation stressed me out until after we broke up.
As you can imagine, dating a man with kids puts a damper on any kind of social life or activity. Planning a weekend getaway is like planning tactical maneuvers: in addition to my boyfriend, the ex-wife and her boyfriend had to be consulted, as well as the ex-wife's boyfriend's ex-wife and kids. Suddenly there are 10 people whose permission is needed before you can go to a party or go out of town! For someone who works 9-5 weekdays like me, it made weekends a nightmare. You are either alone all weekend while the BF is with his kids, or you have to spend the weekend with all of them and there is NO privacy.
In 2001, a friend of mine told me about the childfree website, Turtle's Bratfree Rant Page (which is now defunct). That's when I learned that there was such a thing as childfree and that there was a whole community of people who did not want kids - and some of these people (gasp!) did not even like kids! The Rant Page was a safe, anonymous place to post about annoying stuff that bratty kids and their parents did.
In 2002, I learned about No Kidding!, an international social group for childfree and childless adults. I was living in NYC at the time, so I joined the NYC chapter. A few months later, they asked me to take over as chapter leader, because I had previous experience running a social group. I made some good friends in that chapter and am still in touch with some of them.
In 2004, I met my husband in San Antonio while we were both on vacation. He told me right upfront that he had a 13-year-old daughter who didn't live with him. I told him I was childfree. He had never heard of that and asked me some questions about why I didn't want kids. I was very honest and told him that I don't think I would make a good parent because I don't have the patience to be around kids, that I don't like the lifestyle changes required to be a good parent, and that I thought the world was overpopulated. He said he agreed with me on the last issue.
Anyway, we got married 7 months later and I moved to Texas. Before I even moved here, I knew some of the people in the Houston No Kidding! chapter, whom I'd met online on the now-defunct No Kidding! message board. (It's now called wekidyounot.org and is no longer affiliated with No Kidding!). Unfortunately they all lived in [north side of town] and I live in [southeast suburb], but it was still nice to know some people in the area, even if they were an hour away.
In 2006 the Houston chapter leaders moved to [central TX] and I became the chapter leader. I started advertising our group on craigslist and meetup and the word started to get out. Membership went from 40 people to the 200 or so members we have today in the meetup group and yahoogroup combined.
As far as my status as a stepmother: my stepdaughter and I hit it off right away when we first met. However, around the time she turned 14, she decided she didn't like me. A lot of this had to do with her mother, who does not get along with my husband. So there was about a year of awkwardness and unpleasantness where she and I could not be in the same room together, and we had to alternate with family gatherings we each could attend.
That all blew over, and we've gotten along fine ever since. This past January, on her 18th birthday, she moved in with us. Her boyfriend is over all the time too. Although it is challenging to have 4 people in a small house, everything in life is a tradeoff, and that is part of the package deal I signed up for when I married a man who is a parent.
My stepdaughter and her boyfriend have decided they are childfree and they have actually attended some of our group events. They are both very concerned about the environment and the future of our planet, and both of them know what bad parenting is, having observed it.
Anyway, that's my story! Hope this helps someone!
***
In my teens and 20s, I just assumed I would get married and have children someday, because "that's what everybody does". I babysat in my teens and actually liked kids. Then in my early 20s I worked retail and had to deal with a lot of obnoxious customers of all ages. Kids would come into the store and act bratty, steal and break things, spill drinks, stick their gum on the merchandise, etc. I really saw a whole other side to kids (and their parents).
Throughout my 20s and early 30s, I had boyfriends and I dated, but it never got to the point where anyone proposed marriage, so the kid issue was not really on my radar screen. I remember at one point, when I was about 29 or 30, thinking "If I want kids I will need to have them soon, but I don't know if I really want any."
In my mid to late 30s, the men in my dating pool were older, and many were divorced dads. I had 2 boyfriends in a row who had kids.
One had a teenaged daughter whom I got along with pretty well, but I didn't like the fact that his whole life revolved around her and that she was top priority. Don't get me wrong: I understand that a parent would want to put their child first. But because I had no child, I had no equivalent person to put first in my life, so there was an imbalance of time and affection between the 2 of us. Almost every weekend, he would go up to his house in the country and have her for the weekend.
The other boyfriend had 3 children, ages 6, 9 and 11. He had custody of them every other weekend, and he'd have to drive 2 hours away to get them. It was very overwhelming being around 3 kids. The older 2 were good kids, but the youngest one was very sullen and bratty and had emotional and behavioral issues. I bought them presents, took them fun places, etc., but I didn't realize how much the situation stressed me out until after we broke up.
As you can imagine, dating a man with kids puts a damper on any kind of social life or activity. Planning a weekend getaway is like planning tactical maneuvers: in addition to my boyfriend, the ex-wife and her boyfriend had to be consulted, as well as the ex-wife's boyfriend's ex-wife and kids. Suddenly there are 10 people whose permission is needed before you can go to a party or go out of town! For someone who works 9-5 weekdays like me, it made weekends a nightmare. You are either alone all weekend while the BF is with his kids, or you have to spend the weekend with all of them and there is NO privacy.
In 2001, a friend of mine told me about the childfree website, Turtle's Bratfree Rant Page (which is now defunct). That's when I learned that there was such a thing as childfree and that there was a whole community of people who did not want kids - and some of these people (gasp!) did not even like kids! The Rant Page was a safe, anonymous place to post about annoying stuff that bratty kids and their parents did.
In 2002, I learned about No Kidding!, an international social group for childfree and childless adults. I was living in NYC at the time, so I joined the NYC chapter. A few months later, they asked me to take over as chapter leader, because I had previous experience running a social group. I made some good friends in that chapter and am still in touch with some of them.
In 2004, I met my husband in San Antonio while we were both on vacation. He told me right upfront that he had a 13-year-old daughter who didn't live with him. I told him I was childfree. He had never heard of that and asked me some questions about why I didn't want kids. I was very honest and told him that I don't think I would make a good parent because I don't have the patience to be around kids, that I don't like the lifestyle changes required to be a good parent, and that I thought the world was overpopulated. He said he agreed with me on the last issue.
Anyway, we got married 7 months later and I moved to Texas. Before I even moved here, I knew some of the people in the Houston No Kidding! chapter, whom I'd met online on the now-defunct No Kidding! message board. (It's now called wekidyounot.org and is no longer affiliated with No Kidding!). Unfortunately they all lived in [north side of town] and I live in [southeast suburb], but it was still nice to know some people in the area, even if they were an hour away.
In 2006 the Houston chapter leaders moved to [central TX] and I became the chapter leader. I started advertising our group on craigslist and meetup and the word started to get out. Membership went from 40 people to the 200 or so members we have today in the meetup group and yahoogroup combined.
As far as my status as a stepmother: my stepdaughter and I hit it off right away when we first met. However, around the time she turned 14, she decided she didn't like me. A lot of this had to do with her mother, who does not get along with my husband. So there was about a year of awkwardness and unpleasantness where she and I could not be in the same room together, and we had to alternate with family gatherings we each could attend.
That all blew over, and we've gotten along fine ever since. This past January, on her 18th birthday, she moved in with us. Her boyfriend is over all the time too. Although it is challenging to have 4 people in a small house, everything in life is a tradeoff, and that is part of the package deal I signed up for when I married a man who is a parent.
My stepdaughter and her boyfriend have decided they are childfree and they have actually attended some of our group events. They are both very concerned about the environment and the future of our planet, and both of them know what bad parenting is, having observed it.
Anyway, that's my story! Hope this helps someone!
