We Kid You Not Childfree Forums

Up until recently, my mom and I have been close. At least, that's what I used to think. I don't know if she has changed, or if I have changed (maybe it's both of us,) but for whatever reason, her behavior toward me has changed a whole lot in the past few months, and I'm feeling very hurt by some things she has said and by her general demeanor at times.

Before I go on, I want to say that my mother is a good person. She is charitable and kind and will open her heart and her home to virtually anyone who is in need. It was she from whom I got my passion for animal welfare, and it was she from whom I learned to be open-minded and tolerant--even of people whom I actually hate. She is the reason I am an Ecumenical Wiccan. I do not believe for one minute that she would ever advocate harming anyone--human or animal. I DO think, however, that she's been led down a negative path.

There are some issues I'm just not going to go into, because they get very personal (family matters--not "TMI"-type stuff.) Three recent incidents, however, I CAN share.

-She put my boyfriend on the spot about something she saw posted to his Facebook page. Mind you, it was just posted--it was not directed at any one person. Once she was done dressing HIM down, she turned on ME and grilled ME about the issue: "Do YOU say things like that? Do YOU feel that way? What is someone comes and takes you away because of your views?" (It was politics, not religion, just to be clear.) As a result, my boyfriend no longer really wants to see them, and I don't really blame him, though it makes things awkward for me. I did not appreciate being put in the middle, and I also came away feeling like she thinks I have no judgement skills of my own.

-I was telling her about an incident with a "friend" of mine (I put that in quotes, because I'm "thisclose" to unfriending him on Facebook and on LJ, because I find him repugnant) and his cat. This idiot chose to make his cat an outdoor cat--WHEN THE CAT WAS ALREADY AT LEAST 10 YEARS OLD--because he "wouldn't use his litterbox." I'm pretty sure the guy didn't even try to retrain him, and the guy claims the only other option was to take him to the shelter, which is pure bullshit. There are hundreds of no-kill organizations in our area.

Anyway, he had been posting to FB that, after he put the cat outside Friday night--when the blizzard started--the cat had disappeared, and they had not seen the cat since. (My hope is that the cat wandered to someone else's house and they took him in. That is my sincere hope. My GUESS is that the cat is dead, because he did not have the survival skills to make it through a fucking blizzard.) This post was on...Sunday or Monday.

So I was telling my mom about this situation and about how made it makes me, because I feel this family is completely copping out, and her response was, "Don't YOU take that cat in!" *blink blink* Uh...where did THAT come from? The tone of voice she used was like I was fourteen years old and had just told her my best friend tried beer! I felt very talked down to.

-Last night, I was talking to her about our holiday plans. Their driveway--they live on a rural property, and it's colder there than it is where I live--has been plowed by neighbors, but there's still some snow and ice on the ground, and we are not sure the Mini will make it up the driveway. On top of that, we are expecting "a wintery mix," possibly starting tonight. It really looks like we will not be able to go. The way she talked through it, though, it sounded like she was making excuses for us not to come up. Then, later in the conversation when I was sharing some of my frustrations and said that I've been feeling very depressed this season, first she said, "Well, you need to get over that." Then, she said, "Remember that the glass is half full." I felt SO brushed off it's not even funny. I got off the phone feeling heart-broken. D spent about an hour trying to console me.

This has been going on for a while now. For a short time before the incident between my mom and D, I had started to feel like my parents tolerated us visiting, rather than actually ENJOYING our visits. I chose to ignore that, because I admit that I sometimes mis-perceive things, but the feeling has only grown, and with behavior like what I've shared, it's really looking like she thinks I'm either a small child or an idiot.

I think it is because I'm struggling so much and have for most of my adult life. I think she believes that, because I'm struggling, I must not be able to take care of myself. I think she worries about me, which is nice--to a point. There are some things you just don't say to people, and she has crossed that line several times now. I do not know why she has started treating me this way, OR if she always has and I've never been aware of it. I just don't know. I feel very sad, confused, and hurt, because I think I work remarkably well within my limited means to create a meaningful life.

Things I do know: She has drunk the Faux News-Sarah McFailin Kool-Aid. THAT is unusual for her. She is a highly-educated woman, and SHE KNOWS BETTER. Her best friend is a Democrat. Mom once admitted to me when my step dad was not within earshot that she supports abortion in cases of risk to the mother and rape. She knows I'm Wiccan and has defended me to conservative family members who have expressed horror at the idea. She introduced me to the first gay person I ever knew, and it was SHE who raised me to be tolerant of everyone. I do not know why she has changed the way she has.

I do NOT think it is dementia. (I just got off the phone with her. We had a very normal conversation.) I DO know that my step dad is a Roman Catholic and that a lot of their social life centers around his church. (I have nothing against Roman Catholics, but I do acknowledge that many, many of them tend to be conservative.) It is possible that it's just a matter of exposure.

The very worst part of all of this is that I want so desperately to talk to my mom about this and express what I am feeling, but I don't know how to even start that conversation.

Needless to say, this has been a really shitty holiday season for me, and I don't know what the future will hold. I DO know I'm not keen on turning my back on my elderly parents. I also know, though, that I deserve respect.



Anyone have any thoughts?
Jen

Bittercat,

I want to say that I'm so sorry that your own Mother is treating you this way...She may be going through a trying time herself but IMHO that is not an excuse to dump on others. It is especially difficult to hear these kind of comments at a time of year when others are supposed to be kind to one another no matter what your background or religion.

I feel for you and Moody Rants and I know all too well how it feels to not get along with your spouse's family, a number of dh's family don't care for me and I have detatched myself from people who refuse to treat me with respect. Just because someone has different views does not mean they don't have something to offer. A lot of the people I met who are different from myself have really enriched my life.

BTW, I agree with you that struggle has nothing to do with being able to take care of oneself! If struggle = dependance I'd have never got myself to where I am now! Life is cyclical in nature, and I have always thought you to be very put together form your postings here!

I don't have any advice...just empathy and know you have ears here ready and willing to listen.

another Jen

What came to my mind while reading your post is—hormones. We women are basically ruled by our hormones and their balances or imbalances. When women go through menopause, which, in the case of my mother, can be an ordeal that lasts more than a decade, they can go a little nuts. Their personalities can totally change.

My mother didn't live long enough to come out the other side, she was 53 and died of a heart attack and she'd been going through menstruation horrors for over 10 years by then. She was always nuts, but this made her go off the fucking deep end with the crazy, she was a different person. Her sister is kind of similar, she's still going through it and she's well into her 60s now. I also remember a teacher I had in grade school who was literally going insane for months, and then she had a hysterectomy and came back some weeks later and she was a totally different person.

It sucks to think we can be so changed by something so small, but it's a very real possibility in your mother's case. If it's not that at all, then I can't imagine what else would make her change so much. Our hormones regulate every damn thing about us.

BC, I think the menopause thing is a real possibility. I went through mood swings, and so did BJ, and frankly, so has every other woman I know who has gotten as far as peri-menopause. She should probably see her ob-gyn, and that person should be a female, of course.

Another thing that rang a bell was what you said about your stepdad's influence. My ex had a very feminist aunt (for whom she was named) who was a high-powered Mad Ave executive in the 60s when this was unheard of. She was very liberal and opinionated about women's rights and remained single until she was in her 50s. Then she met this guy, and the next thing, she has drunk the Faux-News Kool-Aid, sacrificed her identity on the altar of marriage, moved to the south and become a fundamentalist Protestant (she had been a lapsed Catholic). My ex can't even have a chat with her anymore, let alone a conversation. She has had to write her off.

Anyway, rest assured that you have nothing to do with it. You're just a convenient target/crying towel/punching bag/emotional surrogate. You will know when to tune her out and when to listen.

Dogsbreakfast, I appreciate the sympathy. It's been rather confusing for me, and that's why it hurts so much. I have always been pretty good at getting toxic people out of my life, but it being my mother is a whole new ballgame for me.

Anastasia and Eslbee, THANK YOU for bringing up menopause! I never even thought of that! My mom will be 69 in January. I THINK she started "the pause" in her mid-late 50s, and she did recently mention that she still has some symptoms, like hot flashes. I really appreciate your input, and it is something I will keep in mind. If I can slip it gracefully into a conversation, I will ask her about it.

Eslbee, Mom was never a feminist, per se, but she was always very open-minded. I find it sickening to think that she would give up her principles, just because of a man, but then again, I AM a somewhat radical feminist. Also, my step dad is neither an extremist nor an overbearing personality. I guess maybe some women do this by choice. I will just never understand it.

I am fortunate, in that D sees everyone as equal. He does not acknowledge sex, religion, class, or anything like that in his interactions with people. My being a feminist does not make him feel threatened. He supports me in all that I do and would never ask me to change.

Thanks, guys! I really appreciate the feedback, because I'm reeling. Christmas hasn't turned out so bad, because my mom and I simply moved our plans to January the 9th (exchanging gifts) due to the weather, and D and I don't celebrate Christmas--I acknowledge it because of my family, but for me, Yule runs from the Solstice until January 2, so WHEN I see people and exchange gifts, etc, is not important.

Jen M.