We Kid You Not Childfree Forums

I know it's been a while since I've really been around and active, but you guys are all level headed, so for me venting here is just comfy.

I'm really at a crossroads right now. I'm taking stock of my life, of the plans I've made and talked about for years now and wondering if I've not seen the writing on the wall so to speak.

My recent business venture seemed like the most logical choice ever. It even coincided really well with our move to ME which took me close to my friend. Now that she has backed out of the business, DH and I are re-thinking our plan a bit, but all in all I still had high hopes to head to that same area.

Now however I'm starting to second guess the whole situation. There is no movement on our house which we knew the reality of, but we didn't bank on the threat that literally our value might drop so much so that we won't be able to sell. I think we have until to the end of the year to get to that point, but it's been 4mo with no interest and only 1 individual call to even see the house. The more foreclosures that sell, the more our value drops. By law they are used as comps now and generally speaking 50% of homes selling in our city are bank owned.

DH has yet to verify, but we are quite sure that the salary where we're headed isn't comparable to his current nor is the level of work. Now previously that wasn't as much of a concern because with my friend and I both going into business together we knew we'd come on the scene with a bang....combined experience, 2 territories covered, etc. Now we are focusing on DH's income more with this move.

I have to say too that I feel like a fraud. I've talked about moving and businesses and all these things I've wanted to accomplish for years and I have yet to live a day of the life I've talked about. First we stayed for DH, then we stayed for my mom, then I went back to school to make use of my time here, then I lost my job so that went to hell......it all just seems like a big joke on me.

My mom is a mess as well. I mean a mess. I'm not sure that literally she will ever stand on her own again. My gram died in March and my mom will get some $ out of the estate but emotionally she is practically crippled. I backed off 90% of my regular support back in the fall and it only got worse....she continues to live in squallor in her new place, has yet to do anything with her vacant house that is filled with shit and it's just a real mess. I'm an only child and I know deep down I eventually will have no choice....she will likely hit rock bottom and I will end up supporting her. She is still awaiting a kidney transplant and other health issues have crept up but she refuses to help herself.....it's a nightmare.

I just wonder if I'm fighting a beast I've created. I'm married to a commercial carpenter....we can't live just anywhere if we want to depend on his income. He also, if not married to me, would stay here forever.....he has never had any burning desire to live elsewhere....he knew 19yrs ago I wanted to move...but nothing much ever came from that and now here we are - an established life, 10yrs of marriage, he is settled into his career and happy.

Am I refusing to be happy with what I have? I've been "making plans" for years and not once has anything moved the way I've "planned". Even though I've tried....we literally had our house on the market 6yrs ago but we made what I thought was a good move by staying for DH to become established and go through his apprenticeship, I did in fact go back to school trying to make something of my time, we worked our asses off to get this house ready for selling, etc. It's not like I've sat back and waited...but it seems I'm not getting the message or something.

I thought when I lost my job and DH's mom died 6yrs ago it was our time to go, but it didn't work out. Then our plan was Feb of this year but my mom got sick. Then in Oct of last year my friend and I decided on the business and I forged ahead regardless and then when I lost my job in Dec. I REALLY thought it was the sign. The big sign.....we were suppose to leave !!! And here we sit. With a really large reality that our house might not sell, I've lost my business partner, DH might not find enough work out there to support him.....

I'm starting to feel like I'm crazy. Maybe this is it. I chose this life somehow along the way and maybe I've never cozied up to it enough or something?

I had NEVER even considered a plan if we are forced to stay here.....that is how strongly I felt about it...but the reality is, the universe is not giving me signals that I'm on the right path here.....

I just feel like I'm living in the twilight zone. I've always known what I wanted, and I've adapted the plan all along the way, yet I've never actually gotten there. Is there a time when it's not about perseverance anymore but more about the signs you are missing?

I am so sorry you are going through a tough time. Sometimes life just throws you a curve ball and all your best-laid plans are blown to hell. All I can say is if it's meant to happen, it will happen. If you are meant to move to Maine, you will. But if not, then maybe things will start to get better where you are.

There's so much going on, I'm not sure what kind of advice to give you. It does seem that your options are limited for the time being. I think making the best of what you do have is probably a good strategy for now. Lots of people are in the same boat, as far as being stuck in their houses - but the market won't be bad forever. It might be bad for another year or two, but I don't think it's in irreversible situation. I'm sorry that it feels like the universe is conspiring against you and your dreams and plans. I'd say, try to scale it down and find a smaller goal that you can accomplish without moving or selling your house. Make it a step toward your eventual goal. Also, make some goals for right now - to help you enjoy/appreciate the present. You shouldn't have to put off all joy until you can get to the destination. Enjoy the ride a bit - wherever you can.

I think HH's idea is fantastic.

The economy sucks right now, big time. But it won't suck forever. You might have to stay here. Meanwhile, if you have to stay here, what would make you happy? -- going back to school? -- getting a job? -- getting a less intense job? If you are going to sacrifice a dream (even if it's only temporary), your DH needs to acknowledge that, and work to help you feel better about yourself.

As to your mother, you don't have a lot of options. Either you MAJORLY step up what you're doing, or you let her go, and let her deal with the consequences of her actions. By "majorly step up", I mean considering getting legal guardianship over her. If she has a mental illness (and squalor/hoarding is definitely a mental illness), then she may need to have her affairs taken over. This will give you the freedom to clean up the other house and get it on the market (or rent it -- surely all those people who are losing their homes aren't leaving the state, and aren't all living in cardboard boxes, right?). It might even give you power over her current residence, where you can clean it up, make sure a maid service comes in to maintain it, and you manage her bank account and make sure she doesn't turn self destructive in some other way. You may eventually have to choose to let her go into a full time care facility (nursing home), if she won't take care of herself. BTW, if her mental state is as you describe it, she may be eligible for Social Security Disability, if she's not already receiving regular SS.

I'll be very surprised if they give her a kidney -- if she can't take care of herself, they are not going to waste a kidney on her, when someone else will be grateful and will take care of the kidney.

I don't mean to be ugly about this. But you may need to face the fact that your mother is on a downward spiral, and you need to either let her go and save yourself, or you need to kick harder to drag her back to the surface -- or you can continue holding on weakly and drown with her.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like you felt/feel that moving to Maine was going to solve all your problems. New job, new career, new part of the country, and leave your mother and all her troubles behind. Sounds like bliss, to me! But you don't need to move to accomplish that (well, except that "new part of the country" thing) -- you may be able to get some version of new job/career, and leaving mom behind, right here. It just takes a bit more work to see the possibilities.

I know what you're feeling about your current part of the country, because I've been there. I thought I'd suffocate if I didn't leave the South, so I applied to grad school and went to Kansas, which was a very nice place to live before the Fundies got hold of it. Moving DID solve my problems. BUT -- I had already cut off my mother, and I had no husband to consider back then, and I wasn't tied down with a house. Meanwhile, back to the story -- I met my husband and moved back to the south, and I hated it. For years I dreamed of leaving. I was very slow to come around to the idea of staying here, and it helped to think about living in another part of the state. We haven't left the city where we live, because his work is here -- but one day, we will retire to his family farm, a place I love for its deep isolation, peace, and quiet. Or before then, he will retire from the city, and we will move down to the city where I work (100 miles away). I just have to put in my "time" -- maybe as little as 5 more years (his minimum vestment period for retirement with the city), maybe as little as two more years (when he has finished his graduate degree, and might decide to teach at my university!), maybe as long as 12 (when he turns 60 and can actually retire and take his two pensions). Meanwhile, we hunker down in our home and our yard, which is an island of peace in an otherwise hateful place. We created our own Nirvana in our home!

ITA with P.G
In regards to the guardianship of your mother.
It does sound like the steps in that direction should be met first before you run off to fullfill your dreams.
BUT, if YOUR not close to your mother, then so be it. It will be her duty to take care of her own self.. Kidney not with standing.
That is a totally different issue. And I wish you all loads of luck
with that issue.
But I do understand where your coming from GR8PYRZ as far as feeling that your living in the Twilight Zone, and just nothing is going your way.
But as HH & P.G said the housing market can't stay awful forever.
So, in this case just try to lay the blame of this latest setback in your life on the establishment and maybe try to set new goals for yourself at home. Focus on loving up your pets? Or maybe take up a new hobby?

I hope and pray your mother gets well soon.
I think especially after Mothers Day and all you would want to focus on that issue more?
But if not, then that is ok too.
I know your in a big pity party mode GR8PYRZ
I have been there and back again more times then I can say.
Do you think I actually enjoy living in Cleveland Ohio?
DUH I don't think so.
But I make the best of a bad situation by not dwelling on where I am but who I am.
And I know I am a nice, warm, sympathetic, mature human being who loves animals and enjoys TV & my computer.
So I try to focus on that, and now with the help of Boots
My blues have disapeared.

I hope one day yours will too

Thanks everyone ! I appreciate it....

Things just look so freaking gloomy right now and everything is out of my control. I feel like my plans are going to shit and why bother being a planner who tries to have her crap together?! UGH

We have talked about the various scenarios and we're going to give it until the end of the year or so to sell our house. If there is no interest, we will likely pull it from the market, plan on staying for a year or two and then try to move on again.

In the meantime, regardless I'm hoping to go back to school. It will give me something to work toward and hopefully (finally) finish and it will just be a step in the right direction.

We have done some more research in the last couple of days and it looks like the cost of living will likely be higher than what we have here and his wages will be lower. We're shopping around the NE states as a whole to see if somewhere else will be a better fit, although I still think that is where I want to go.

If we stay in MI and wait out part of this slump, and we can move with a gain on our house, our situation will be a light brighter. Right now as it stands we would hope to break even while my original plan was to at least make 25% on our house which would be a HUGE difference for having cash available until we get fully settled elsewhere.

We will see what happens !

I know what it's like to have your life plans fall apart and not be able to do anything about it. In 1995 I finally had plans in motion to emigrate to the UK and I was going to stay there forever. This was something I'd wanted since I was 14 years old. It all went to shit, I was there for 2 years but I had to come back because of immigration issues and issues with my first husband. And here it is all these years later and I'm still not there, and it looks like I'll never get to live there again because of money. When DH retires we thought of retiring there, but it's useless since we'll be living on a pension of tiny little US$ in a country where our money is about worth nothing. And we won't be allowed to work there because of immigration rules.

So I have no idea what's going to happen or where we're going to end up, I just know I don't want to end up in the US forever. But now all I can do is wait around until he retires (YEARS from now) and hope he doesn't have to go to Iraq, which he probably will. It's all completely out of my control and my decisions are made for me by the military, we have no say in our lives at all.