So, i find myself once again in a LDR(long distance relationship). I have met the woman of mydreams, but she lives Seattle. I plan on moving there as soon as i can, but that wont be for a few months at the earliest.
So, who else out there are in LDRs? How are you dealing with the distance? I have done quite a few LDRs in the past, but this one is a bit different. I guess since she is REALLY special to me, and i have really fallen in love with her, it is making it tougher to be apart from her. We met for the first time in person on my Disney vacation but have been talking for over a year. ::sigh:: the ups and downs of love, rofl.
-Joe
I am not in one, but DH and I met on the 'net in the 90s, and did the LDR thing for nearly a year before I moved here -- we've been together nearly 14 years now.
What worked for us doesn't work for everybody. We developed trust through FULL disclosure. We told each other where we would be/what we would be doing, every minute of the day. When we said we would call by a certain time, we did so. We spoke every night and rehashed our days -- except for the very rare days when we were out of touch (he fought fires in wilderness sometimes). We gave each other our passwords to our email even though we didn't use them.
At first, I was extremely uneasy -- after all, I read Ann Landers! I know one of the early warning signs of an abuser is the desire to track every movement through the day and make you account for your time! But I gave it a shot, and it worked for us -- we didn't need to check on each other, but it appears we both needed to know that the other was a truthful, respectful person whose word could be relied upon. If I said I was going to be home by 4pm, and he called at 5pm, he could rely on my being home. If he said he would go home for lunch and I called him at lunchtime at home, he would be there.
The problem is, the things you get through an in-person relationship are not there for an LDR. You have to substitute the most important of those in creative ways. For us, it was trust-building and determining whether the other was a reliable person. This method worked for us.
One question -- you are moving there to be with her, but would you move there anyway, and be happy? I ask because although I love DH, I SUFFERED -- SUFFERED!!!! -- living in Dogbreath, Georgia, for 12 years. There were a lot of times where, if he were being a jerk, I would feel like leaving him (as opposed to working it out) because it was a combination of his jerk-ness AND my hatred of that godawful place. I had to work VERY VERY hard to remember that I loved him, and that I had to separate my hatred for Dogbreath from my problems with him.
(I tell you what, us moving together last year to this new town has been the best thing for our relationship!)
I also met DH via the net while I was in Texas and he was in Florida. It was my first LDR, but it was also my first "real" relationship and I still can't believe it moved so quickly.
Luckily, with VOIP and cell phone minutes being so cheap now (We had a couple of 1k/mo bills! - as college students- ouch...) I think it's somewhat easier, at least on that front
I'm not sure what I could say that you haven't already figured out through your experiences though. It sucks, it sucks so much sometimes, especially when all you want to do is pack up everything and move to be with that person. Patience is greatly rewarded though.
We moved in together the 4th time we saw each other, which was about 6 months after we met online. We were both in a new city and had no friends. That was somewhat of a plus, but I have a difficult time being around anyone, let alone having them share my limited space. Being physically together, or living together, is so much different than being talking online or the phone and 10 years later I still need a lot of personal space and quiet time.
Just be patient, and know that you two will be together, but when you are it will still be a lot of work. LDRs are great for getting to really know a person but they often skip the little quirks and eccentricities that you may find difficult (or she may find difficult!) to live with- at first.
I haven't been in one, but I spent many weekends travelling with a friend so that she could visit her BF (now husband). Things that helped were the fact that he really wanted to move to our city, because he had a great job in the other city and he was holding out for a similarly good job in ours (he was getting valuable experience in that other job, so he couldn't just move and hope to find something). I remember having that conversation aside with him one day "Are you just moving to be with her?" and his reply was "Definitely no. I won't move until I have a good job but I'm desperate to move away from this suburban hellhole"
Things also greatly improved for them once they had a tentative end-date. Not a specific one, but when he got the new job they knew that he'd be moving back shortly. Similarly, I know people who have partners who go away for a year for school or work and while it is hard at least there is a known end to it all.
Thanks for all the advice. I have always been interested in Seattle, and after doing some research i definitely want to live there and see what it is all about. Having my GF already living there is a MAJOR bonus, but i would definitely be happy living there if her and I were not together. There are a lot of things in that area that interest me.
Trust is always an issue i guess, especially having been betrayed as many times as i have in the past, but surprisingly, for whatever reason, i completely trust her. Maybe its just the newness of the relationship, the initial sparks and flames, but thus far, ive not felt any twinge of doubt or wonder. I think we got off to a great start being just friends to begin with. talking for over a year, getting to know each other, and then finally meeting in person. Everything just seemed so much smoother, nothing forced, no facade to put up to look good, etc. Just me being me, her being her, and it works.
I am definitely ALL about communication. I have learned in the past that if there is not good communication, then there is not a good relationship. A relationship lives and dies by how well you communicate with one another. So far, we do really good. neither one of us are phone talkers, but we talk online almost every day, text message, etc.
I am definitely not going to move there until i land a good job. I have a good job now, so i cant afford to bail on it for a minimum wage position. I hit the job boards every day looking for good positions, but so far no bites. hopefully something gives and i get in to a place that will make me happy, but until then i will just keep plugging away here, and keep dreaming of the day i can move
-Joe
Perhaps, if you like your current job- you should target similar financial institutions for the new city.
Persistence and a focused job hunt may eventually help create an interest in you in particular when a job when is not already advertised.
Thank you Cassia, i have been blanketing the seattle area with emailed resumes, online applications etc in the financial industry. think i have hit every credit union up there. i will continue to resend my resume and ask about positions on a regular basis.
My DH and I had an LDR at first, because he is in the military and we were in different states. We trusted each other too - I never questioned what he was doing, with who, and vice versa. It was just so easy for us. Now, what did help is we had lots of vacation time and visited almost every month or every other month. We started online in December, met in January. We were married in November, but between Jan-Nov we saw each other 5 of the 9 months in between.
I think it helped because we knew we were going to marry right away and saw no need for a long engagement. I think that if we tried the LDR for like 2 years or something long like that it just wouldn't have made it. I do not feel like I could do that, I don't see how it would work unless we were much closer, like able to do weekend trips but we were not. So, for us it worked because we knew it was not going to be dragged out for a year or more.
I am one that believes if it's right it'll work out just fine. I had an LDR before and he put in little effort and as a year turned into 2, then 3, we just grew apart because we never saw each other and he had no internet.
I hope it works out for you - seems like it already is! It seems like you were talking about being single not too long ago - congrats to you for finding someone. And DH and I hope to get to Seattle one day too, sounds like a great place. I'm sure you'll be up there in no time.
Arkved, I just wanted to say I'm really happy for you, and I wish you the best with this new relationship, or at the very least with the move. It's good that you have found you'd be happy there whether you are with her or not, because you never do know what will happen down the road (hopefully, all good things!)
I'm not one who feels I can DO LDRs. When D's disability ran out back in '07 and he had not yet found a job, we'd been together only 3 months. Neither of us felt we'd be comfortable with an LDR, so we made the snap decision to move in together. Luckily, it has worked out really well!
I'm a pretty needy person. I'm much better than I used to be, but when I commit to someone it's 100%, and I need physical closeness. It's just how I am. That does not mean I'd never give it a try if I found the right person, but it's not something I'm comfortable with, personally.
Anyhow, good luck!
Jen M.
Thanks again to everyone for their words of advice. So far things are looking up, i have a place that is interested in me to hire me, and i know i can get an apartment there no problem. but since my divorce a few years back, i still have a lot of debt i am paying off, which i am afraid will make my stay here in california a bit longer
I was crunching numbers and it just doesnt seem feasible with the amount that the position up there could offer.
Ive been contemplating filing bankruptcy, but i just cant do it. I feel i am responsible for the debt i got myself in to for the most part, and it just isnt right of me to put my problems off on everyone else by bailing on my obligations. So i will just have to tough it out here awhile longer and keep making large payments to these damn credit card companies who are charging a disgustingly high rate of interest.
Wish me luck folks, maybe a position will come open up there that pays me close to what i make here. THAT would be a dream come true indeed!
Joe
I hope so, Joe. It's good that you're taking responsibility.
Good luck!
Jen M.
Joe, I am so very very happy for you CONGRATS
And I do hope you take P.G's advice to heart. She has very good insight to all of what you may or may not be going through.
Just keep in mind the success to ANY relationship is communication.
I cannot stress that FACT enough.
So as long as you two are talking to each other and don't hold anything back from one another and are happy? Then you will be fine.
Yes you will miss her, and hopefully she misses you too. But you always have the internet to keep in touch as well as the phone.
Just hang in there and
with your move
I wish you all the BEST
Congrats
Well I hope things are going well for you and that works been forth coming for you.
I use to be in an LDR that turned into an LDM (long distant marriage), hubby and I meet online back in 07, got married a year ago. For the past year we've been going between out two countries waiting for immigration to get the paper work dun and let him come live with me in my country.
Things are great relationship wise. Job hunt wise....not so much. I think maybe that is a blessing in disguise because it has allowed me to get rid of debt, get some surgery (dont recall if i posted here or not, but i got my vasectomy FINALLY!!!! Doctors finally agreed to do it, whoot!!!!!), and start to build a little bit of a nest egg. I think ultimately what i will end up having to do is move there and job hunt. I think the biggest thing holding me back is when employers see i am in California, they dont want to take the time to let me give 2 weeks notice, get moved up there and settled in etc. in this job market, they want to hire IMMEDIATELY and be able to get an in person interview right away etc. So for now, i will tough it out here, keep throwing money in to savings now, and hopefully be able to move there soon.
Joe, I'm glad the relationship is working out, at least!
Good luck with the rest. It's a tough job market.
Jen M.
Nice to hear from you and congrats on the snip!!
Thanks, yeah, i know, ive been MIA for awhile. Life has just been so chaotic with everything going on i just dont have time to visit forums etc like i used to. Hopefully i will be back on more often
(06-07-2010 06:07 PM)Arkved Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks, yeah, i know, ive been MIA for awhile. Life has just been so chaotic with everything going on i just dont have time to visit forums etc like i used to. Hopefully i will be back on more often
Yes Joe we have missed you.. I know I have,
I am very happy for your snip snip, lol. I am, glad that all
worked out for you.
And I am so very happy that your LDR is still working too.
I must admit, that is a HUGE burden to overcome. I had an LDR decades ago, long before I met hubby. And it did not work out for me. But back then I was a lot younger and a lot more stupid, lol
I am glad your LDR is working out for you. And you have the smarts to overcome all your obsticles.
I wish you all the luck in the world once you move to Seattle
&
You deserve nothing but the best!
Thanks TW, hopefully things move right along for me and i can find something there i can be happy doing that pays decent enough to live on. I am a man of simple means, i dont need a lot, and luckily my GF is the same way, she wants a more simple life, less clutter, less STUFF, more experiences and memories <3
something will come open for me eventually, just gotta ride it out!