Dear Prudie,
I've been having an ongoing argument (13 years) with my husband. I do all the everyday house cleaning (dishes, laundry, bathroom, picking up). When I tell him to help with his share, he brings up the fact that I don't do any outside house maintenance (mowing the lawn, picking up leaves, fixing the washer). Our grass doesn't grow well, so I can count on one hand how many times he mows in a year. It has gotten to the point that when I get home, I feel like the dirt is taking over my body. Instead of being glad I'm home and seeing my family, I am upset and I grab the cleaning tools. I feel the only way to fix this problem is to not care about the dishes, clean clothes, or the bread that has its own fur coat. But I can't do that. I need a way to get it through my husband's thick skull that his help is needed! The reason I am finally writing is I just asked for his help, and the next words out of his mouth were, "Let's have sex." He fell asleep not getting any, and I was awake, angry.
—Cinderella
Dear Cinderella,
I will address the male readers of the column: OK, gentlemen, it's hard to believe, but let's put aside hormonal shifts, depression, or your lousy technique as the reason your wives are not giving you more sex. If you want to get some conjugal action, how about turning to your wife and saying, "I think I'll do a load of laundry." As for you, Cinderella, this fight has been going on for 13 years. I'm not going to defend your husband, but you have to find a way to ratchet down your anger—it's your rage, not the dirt, that's taking over your body. The reality is that you're always going to do the bulk of the inside work. As Dave Barry explains, men are essentially incapable of doing housework because they suffer fromMale Genetic Dirt Blindness. So, what to do? Try a radical change of perception and consider that the housework is probably helping you live longer. There is scientific evidence that engaging in day-to-day physical activities like housework can burn a significant amount of calories. While your husband is beached on the couch, you're running the vacuum and giving yourself a longevity edge. Can you afford to have the house professionally cleaned once or twice a month? If you can't, find something else to cut back on so you can. Drop your expectations that your husband will spontaneously clean up, but have a discussion (pleasant, if possible) about specific inside tasks he will agree to do on a regular basis. (Then be prepared to remind him for the rest of your married life.) Sex does not cure dirt blindness, but having more of it will make you look better to each other.
—Prudie
I say bollocks to this. IF (I say, "if") men are such slobs, don't marry until you have lived together for a while, to see if your intended pulls his weight or not. I daresay the same can be said for women, regarding whatever idiosyncracies we may have that men can't live with. If you already know a man is a slob and it's a deal-breaker, just get out. There is no changing people after you marry them. You take them as they are, or you don't.
In a way, this is kind of like having the "children" or "money" discussion. You need to know where each of you stands before you commit.
Bollocks, Indeed. And interestingly timed for my house's issues.
Prue missed most of this boat. (She did nail it on the head that the men out there who expect a wife to work, clean, deal with the children and everything else are going to be too tired for sex and they need to pitch in or find some personal way to deal with a pitched tent.)
The "Genome" of blindness is a cop out. My father -one of five boys - was the one who did the laundry and was actually more of a neat person than my mom.
And if my DH EVER tried to pull the old "I do yardwork, so you have to do housework." I may not mow - well maybe once a year - but I pick up doggy landmines, climb up to clean gutters, and help with the fallen branches.
I am still going to work on the whole, here is a list. You get your choice, clean the bathroom or vacuum the living room. Sweep the kitchen or dust the ceiling fans.
The husband here is a lazy bum who doesn't appriciate that his wife also works. My suggestion for Cinderella is to go on a week trip. Have the house in order and stocked with stuff for meals. And then tell Lazy that it is clean when she left, his job shouldn't be too hard to keep it clean. And not sure if they have kids or not, but they better get them trained to pick up after themselves as well.
I've known a couple of people who ended up getting a cleaning person once/week to help out. Interestingly in one case, the husband paid for it. The rationale there was that the wife was doing most of the cleaning and this way he's picking up his "share" by paying someone to do it. This arrangement is working out well.
I guess if things are really bad the woman could always stop doing the man's laundry. Just do her own. Let his pile up until he deals with it.
I don't really mind doing the indoor chores but then again DH does help out so I guess I can't complain. Besides, I'd much rather do the dishes and laundry than shovel the snow or mow the lawn.
However, if this is truly an issue for this woman then I agree with cats - get a cleaning lady. Even if she only comes in every other week it's still a help.
There is only problem with a cleaning woman. I know women who will CLEAN the house before the cleaning woman comes. Seriously. They don't want the cleaning woman to see the house messy.
I was a nanny for a family that had a cleaning woman come twice a month. The mother would clean the day before. The house was spotless normally anyway. It was very odd. (Also the woman went through 3 cleaning women in the 7 months I worked there. But that is a whole nother story.)
My grandmother did that. She had a cleaning lady and yet she'd clean the house every week before she came. The cleaning lady made a show of doing work. I actually had the lady clean my place. She did a good job and I'd always chat with her while she went outside for a smoke. My grandmother would gripe to me about how she took three smoke breaks for her four hours there but she didn't have anything to do. She took one smoke break when she cleaned my place once a month only because I insisted because everyone needs a break. Weird.
A woman I used to work with (actually, two of them) always cleaned before the cleaning lady showed up. WTF? I never cared if the cleaning lady saw my messy house. That's what I paid her for.
Sheesh!
This is slightly OT but sometimes when I'm out mowing the lawn or washing/waxing my car I wonder if the neighbors are thinking that J. really has it made in the shade with a woman who will do the outside work! LOL!
All this is very eye-opening for me. In a two-woman household, there IS no man to do traditional "men's work." One of us HAS to do it. Meanwhile, next door to us are four guys, two couples. They have no woman, THEY must do the inside work. Guess whose house is cleaner? Theirs. We have a cleaning woman every two weeks and we both pick up in between. We have a yard guy every week or so, and we both have to keep it trimmed and cleaned up in between. It is simply NOT a physical gender issue; it's all in people's heads. You learn to grow and adjust, or you live in misery.
ITA with Eslbee. Never mind those of us who live alone.
(11-04-2009 03:21 PM)Jo Wrote: [ -> ]ITA with Eslbee. Never mind those of us who live alone.
Exactly. When I lived alone, I did it or hired it done. What else can you do? At least when you live alone, you only have one person's mess, and no one to fight with over it. Very peaceful.
(11-04-2009 04:01 PM)eslbee Wrote: [ -> ] (11-04-2009 03:21 PM)Jo Wrote: [ -> ]ITA with Eslbee. Never mind those of us who live alone.
Exactly. When I lived alone, I did it or hired it done. What else can you do? At least when you live alone, you only have one person's mess, and no one to fight with over it. Very peaceful.
I totally agree with both of these posters on this issue.
I can't believe that people actually allow these things in a loving relationship.
When men started trying to pull this crap in the first weeks of living together, I was aghast but firm.
The housework would be divided equally or I would live alone.
As I said above, why would I think it was a loving relationship, if he expected an unpaid scullery maid to do most of the scut work?
(11-04-2009 11:11 AM)catsnotkids Wrote: [ -> ]I guess if things are really bad the woman could always stop doing the man's laundry. Just do her own. Let his pile up until he deals with it.
People always look at us funny when they find out that my wife and I each do our own laundry. It's how we've always done it. It actually seems weird to me that people would do their mate's laundry.
Funny about laundry. At home, BJ washes and dries. I fold and put away, and if there's any ironing, I do it unless it's silky stuff, which she does.
On vacation, I wash and dry, she folds and puts away. I don't even remember why we do it like that.
Each doing their own makes a lot of sense to me. If your clothes are at all different (ours are not) you don't have to instruct someone else how to do it and then worry about if they will do it right.
When I was a young woman, still living at home, my mother had only one rule for me when I was dating: I had to drive. Any man who couldn't deal with that was out of the picture. She knew if I was driving, I would be safe and in control. And I liked the feeling of being empowered that way.
(11-04-2009 10:28 PM)mark1030 Wrote: [ -> ] (11-04-2009 11:11 AM)catsnotkids Wrote: [ -> ]I guess if things are really bad the woman could always stop doing the man's laundry. Just do her own. Let his pile up until he deals with it.
People always look at us funny when they find out that my wife and I each do our own laundry. It's how we've always done it. It actually seems weird to me that people would do their mate's laundry.
DH and I have that set-up now. When he first moved in with me nearly 10 years ago, I found myself doing all the laundry alone, then I realized one day I was doing laundry every single day and it was fucking boring. He wears three sets of clothes a day: his Navy uniform, his street clothes, and his work-out clothes. And his Doberman liked to suck towels (it's a Dobie trait) so I was washing towels every day, too. So I told him I was done with all that bullshit and from that day on he has been washing his own clothes and I wash mine separately. No more problems--at least on that front.
I take the laundry to and from the machine most of the time (DH will help out when ever possible) but I will not fold or put away DH's clothes. He does that himself and if he doesn't his clothes get wrinkly. I like the idea of each doing their own laundry but IMO, that uses up way more water and energy. Doing them together saves money and time - IMO. Why do two loads (yours and his) rather than just yours? My washer would run twice as long if we did our own.
I worked with a woman who does EVERYTHING for her husband. She packs his clothes when he goes on a trip and then unpacks when he comes home. She wakes up at 2am to drive him to the train station or airport then goes back home to sleep. She does all the domestic stuff. I just shake my head.
First of all, there is no way DH would even ask me to take him to the train at that hour and second of all, I wouldn't do it anyway. Call a cab.
I don't mind doing certain things. But it doesn't help that DH seems to have lost the coping skills he has as a bachelor. (We didn't marry until our 30's) Sorting clothes some times leaves him flummoxed. He gets whites, reds, blacks, jeans. But the towels -because we have some beige ones that go with the khaki/grey pile - and the brights get him. Does a navy striped with yellow shirt go with the darks or in the brights?
I think we will get something worked out again. It NORMALLY helps if I have a list that he can see what I consider a priority. Also the fact that I perfer the idea of focusing on a cleaning job for 15 minutes then move on. Rather than his marathon cleaning seasions without break.
(11-05-2009 10:07 AM)NKBurlington Wrote: [ -> ]I like the idea of each doing their own laundry but IMO, that uses up way more water and energy. Doing them together saves money and time - IMO. Why do two loads (yours and his) rather than just yours? My washer would run twice as long if we did our own.
Why would this use more water and energy? Unless you don't wash full loads, it uses the exact same amount of water and energy.
I have nothing useful to add to this conversation, I got lucky and married a guy with OCD who loves to clean. I do the dishes and the laundry, he does all of the floor care, dusting, bathrooms, etc. His latest obsession is clothes steaming. He just bought this big Rowenta steamer and I swear the first thing he's done when getting home from work for the last couple of days has been to find something to steam. He got absolutely giddy when he found a wrinkly shirt in the back of the closet.
(11-05-2009 12:49 PM)mark1030 Wrote: [ -> ] (11-05-2009 10:07 AM)NKBurlington Wrote: [ -> ]I like the idea of each doing their own laundry but IMO, that uses up way more water and energy. Doing them together saves money and time - IMO. Why do two loads (yours and his) rather than just yours? My washer would run twice as long if we did our own.
Why would this use more water and energy? Unless you don't wash full loads, it uses the exact same amount of water and energy.
I suppose. I guess what I was trying to say is that for me anyway, it makes more sense to do everything at the same time. Maybe that's what I meant.
I guess doing one medium load rather than two smaller loads just seemed to make more sense.
You're probably right though.