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So, the latest episode of House led to a relationship epiphany for me and DH. There was a storyline with Cutthroat Bitch (Amber) and Wilson, where she made him choose the mattress they planned to buy. She insisted that he decide because she said that, in his previous relationships, he would just go along with whatever his wife wanted and then he would end up resenting her and she said she refused to allow that to happen with her.

We have issues, including resentment and lack of intimacy (both sex and close, loving feelings). The resentment stems from my health issues - which were not a big deal for the first 2 years of our relationship, and have since taken a massive turn for the worse. Basically I have chronic pain and the standard, moderate depression that accompanies chronic pain. So, he has to do a lot of "extra" around the house, and he suffers when I spend the day asleep to escape pain or bad thoughts. Also, he is sad that I can't do certain things with him - like backpacking or long hikes.

Our lack of intimacy became a gigantic issue about 3 years ago, when I *ahem* caught him looking at internet porn. Now, I've always maintained that the issue isn't the porn, it's the dishonesty. I don't think he every really believed me, though, because I am basically personally against porn (though I don't hold it against other people) for feminist and personal reasons.

So, when we started dating, he knew that I was a Womens Studies major in college and he knew how I felt about porn. He basically told me what I wanted to hear, agreed with me, etc., but it was a lie. That's what was so upsetting to find out 7 years later. I mean, WTF?

So, this episode of House made me realize how "going along" and telling people what you think they want to hear so they will like you or so that you don't have to deal with any conflict or confrontation, etc. leads DIRECTLY to both resentment and lack of intimacy. DH is basically Wilson - the guy who is agreeable and then harbors massive resentment. He never speaks up for himself or asserts himself - but then resents/blames ME for being controlling or dominating him or something.

I think he finally understood that HE is the person controlling the dynamic by NOT TELLING ME what is really going on. I, of course, am not psychic, so I assume that he is being truthful and I rely on his outward appearance of being in agreement. Then, when he seems resentful, I pick up on it and get hurt and confused and can't figure out what I did wrong. He then denies being resentful, which is just one more way of being inauthentic or is a sign that he is incapable of knowing what is in his heart - I'm not sure which. But the bottom line is, how can you feel close to a person who isn't being real?

I explained that THIS BEHAVIOR is exactly why I sometimes feel that he is not expressing real feelings and why I sometimes doubt that he HAS real feelings. If he's willing to say what I want to hear about porn or where to go to dinner, why wouldn't he say what I want to hear about sex or our marriage? It's like everything is going through a filter of "what can I say that will cause the least resistance and make her happy?"

He kind of tries to blame me for being a strong, opinionated person - like I'm too scary to disagree with. I am a strong opinionated person, but I am certainly capable of compromise. I don't believe that I should always "get my way" or that I'm always right. In fact, an am quite willing to change my mind based on things I hadn't thought of myself.

The problem is that I rely on HONESTY so that I can make decisions. How can "we" make decisions if he isn't even really participating? No wonder he ends up dissatisfied with the decisions half the time. And this it TOTALLY unfair to me, as I have no way of knowing that he isn't in agreement.

So, he is going to try to be authentic now. I told him that I sometimes feel like I don't even know him, and that I REALLY need to know him to know if we even belong together. I think we do, but I don't think we can be truly intimate (emotionally or sexually) until I am knowing the real him. Damn his WASP/Everything is always "FINE" upbringing.

Ugh. I am very much a what you see is what you get person. I have forceful and strong opinions, but I am able to change my mind and be wrong. I actually resent being put in the position of "controlling bitch" without even knowing it!

I am hoping that this ultimately leads to less resentment and more kindness. I get that it's frustrating to have a companion who is sick half of the time. Hell, it sucks being a person who is in pain most of the time. But there has to be a point at which we ACCEPT the limitations that seem to exist right now, hope for improvement, and make the best of the good times and focus on the good times. Why fight reality? Why sit around pouting about how it's unfair and sucky? I don't need that in my life. Ugh.

Anyway, I'm done sharing now.

This sort of mirrors some of the struggles I've had in my life with regards to why I interact the way I do with certain kinds of people. HH, you and I are *a lot* alike, right down to the dislike of porn. I am opinionated, headstrong and pretty blunt, but I, too, can compromise. I'm also a Leo, like you.

I have been told by SEVERAL people in my life that they can't really 'be themselves' in front of me because they are scared that I will call a spade a spade and judge them or "out" them. A lot of people live what can best be described as dual lives or are one way at work (for example) and another way at home. With me, you can't pull that stunt... and people are very disarmed by this, and their shackles go up when they deal with me. They double up on their efforts to put up the wall or facade, and as a result, I have a LOT of people with that "British 'everything's fine'" thing going on around me. Very formal, very stilted.

I have been accused of being hugely passive aggressive, and I can see that in some circumstances, specifically with certain people, this is true. I really dislike this quality in myself and I'm striving to change it. But I can see that if I can't change a situation (which is most situations) but I'm still angry about it, then *I* put on the ol' stoic British facade and call it 'rising above a situation I have no control over' when in reality I'm just stewing about it. Supposedly everyone seees this but me. Ahem.

I work hard on being very direct and surrounding myself with other direct people, or at least people who appreciate my directness. I come from a family of extreme codependents who tend to tiptoe around me, and that infuriates me. I hate that they won't just say no when they mean no. It drives me around the bend. Nothing I can do about it though.

It's definitely a struggle at times.

I keep encountering men online who are like this. We talk, we get along. They're 60 miles away, say. We talk about meeting. Fine, I suggest a point halfway between, for us to meet for dinner. Then, on the appointed day, they don't show, and I don't see them online again. Thing is, I don't like going around in circles "Whaddaya wanna do?" "I dunno, whadda you wanna do?" So, I make a suggestion. It's not a command, I'm very open to negotiation, but I think that because I come up with a suggestion first, men think I'm too pushy. If they'd be more decisive....

Ugh..... HH. I understand how it feels, when your mate won't talk, or be truthful. If I ask too many questions in a row, or we're having an important discussion about relationship issues, my husband shuts down completely, after about 10 sentences. It's very frustrating, and I feel like I never know WTF is going on.

Here is where I turn into the bad guy....
I don't hate porn. As a matter of fact, I enjoy it, and I find that it's a way to find some release, while I'm married to someone who isn't particularly interested in sex, and is quite the prude. I'm not picking sides, or anything, just trying to offer an insight. When you have told your mate you will do any sexual fantasy he has, or any dirty thing he can dream up, and all you get is a shrug, I guess I don't know what I'm supposed to do, besides perv on porn, and invest in Duracell. At least that's where I am, until I figure out how to proceed, and make my point in 10 sentences or less.

I also have issues similar to this. I tell it like it is, no one has to guess what's really going on in my mind. I'm up front and honest. And boy, doesn't that drive so many people up the fucking wall!

I'm going through this now with DH's family. We've never lived in a city near any of them before now, and now we're just down the street from his father (the master of not talking about anything), and his sister lives nearby with her new boyfriend who never speaks, which is perfect for her because she doesn't want any conversation involving anything but the weather and how drunk she got last weekend.

Of course, I usually just avoid people like this, but now I can't as they are my DH's family and they are right here. It took a long time for me to get DH to actually share real opinions with me and now he does so easily. The problem is he NEVER shares real opinions with his family, they don't know him, not even a little. How do you know someone or have real feelings for them if all you ever hear about is the goddamned weather? He's honest with me, and completely different with his family. And they don't like me at all because I talk about stuff, but they tolerate me because I'm married to him. It's always great to feel tolerated. Only not.

HH: I know what you are talking about when you express your frustration of being married to a man who agrees with you. My husband is like this too. I get frustrated too.

I know there is a true authentic person inside of him - not just the "I'll just agree to everything is fine" person. So, I keep on talking about my feelings about something then ask how he feels about it. At first, it was the "I don't know" answer. But his answers are slowly changing to real answers. Trust is a big deal to me and I trust he is telling me the truth. I trust that he truly loves me and that is what matters the most to me. He has told me that my desire to have these "relationship talks" is what he loved about me from the beginning. God knows, how many times I have insisted on questioning that we're making whatever decision because we both agree, not just because I want it.

We don't have a lot of sex either. I kind of look at it as what if either one of us really did have some physical problem that prevented us from having sex, would I still love him and want to spend my life with him? The answer is yes. My husband knows I look at porn every once in a while. He knows I would like more sex. We work on it together by just consistently being nice to each other.

I truly believe that it is going to a very long time for change to happen, but I believe it will. It already has. His family raised him to be the silent one or the joker, depending on which parent he is with. I was raised in a family that taught me that yelling was normal conversation. I don't yell anymore. He doesn't stay quiet or make that many stupid jokes, at least when we are alone or together with friends. When we're with his stupid family, it is an entirely different matter.

I tell myself that my sweetie really is a big sweetie. He may be a little slow in spilling his guts, but that is OK with me. I'm prepared to give him all the time in the world. He is a mild-mannered man that likes to go along with what I want. What is wrong with that - especially in today's world. I watched an old documentary on love and marriage. The men of old couples who were married what seemed a lifetime, all laughed about the secret to staying happily married - go along with what your wife wants!!

I think about my past love relationships and how disastrous they were because they were quite forthcoming in what they wanted - and what they wanted, wasn't how I wanted it. It was constant arguing and yelling, which I was very good at. Now that I married man totally opposite I am grateful to be working on our problems with grace and dignity instead of with slimy egotistical (and hurtful) arguments.

P.S. We did recently have an honest-to-goodness argument over Hockey!! of all things. Yup, he certainly can speak his mind when it comes to sports. DH slept on the couch that night. I thought I'd say that because you are a big hockey fan too. He, he.

Quote:He kind of tries to blame me for being a strong, opinionated person - like I'm too scary to disagree with. I am a strong opinionated person, but I am certainly capable of compromise. I don't believe that I should always "get my way" or that I'm always right. In fact, an am quite willing to change my mind based on things I hadn't thought of myself.

The problem is that I rely on HONESTY so that I can make decisions. How can "we" make decisions if he isn't even really participating? No wonder he ends up dissatisfied with the decisions half the time. And this it TOTALLY unfair to me, as I have no way of knowing that he isn't in agreement.

HH do you really feel it is BLAME? Or do you just think he is blaming you.
This is a very hot topic with couples.
"The Blame Game" and it never ceases to amaze me how many couples get caught up in that.
I try to tell everyone I know the secret to a long and happy marriage is communication.
Without it, its like swimming alone up stream.
You both need to know that neither of you are mind readers.
And in as much as women love to lay out that old rhetoric
"well if you don't know I won't tell you" or some silly similiar situation
THAT is BULLSHIT with a capital B
How is any man going to know what is going on if you don't tell him.
AND the same goes both ways.

There are MEN who are very Inhabited when it comes to women.
They TOO need to learn to Voice their opinions too.
This is what poor HH is trying to say.
And she may feel that her DH blames her for being outgoing where
he is still too inhabited to speak.

This is a problem for many men. Not just HH's DH & IMHO I feel that
Couples Counseling may help out for men Like HH's DH.
IF and ONLY IF, it gets to the point where HH & her DH are really truly miserable.

But, if they are OK for now, they CAN work it out on their own.
& I wish Them all the luck in the world. AND I Hope they
Do learn to communicate to each other in the future.

Its just nice to know I am not the only one sexless here.
I too have been having problems in that area. But for me its more physcial then mental.
I don't have any objections to Phorn.
I know some people do, I don't!

But all I can do for now is to say to HH I do understand exactly what your going through.
And I hope somehow you can sit your DH down and have a long heart to heart with him.
Really open yourself up to him and tell him that even though you may be opinionated that does NOT mean you want your own way all the time.
Tell him you want to compromise and ASK him what is it that he wants and expects from you.
Tell him you are enterimng a new chapter in your life and that you still want him in your "Book" and that you are not a mind reader and that he needs to open up to you more.
If that does not work then Counseling is the way to go.
Good Luck HH And please keep us posted.

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