I have this secret wish that I usually keep quite silent. Specifically, there are people in my life who are at that stage where they are married or committed to a particular person and they are just about to 'start a family'. And, for various reasons, I secretly hope that they will never have kids.
Occasionally that reason is because they are fun people and I'm likely going to lose out on that friendship, but there aren't too many in that category and for most of those I would be happy for them because they are happy and will be good parents. The friends that are really close are CF, so I don't feel too strongly about that group.
Most specifically there are some people in my life who really want kids, but I hope that karma bites them in the ass. For example I know this one couple where she told me years ago that she didn't want kids but I have also since discovered that she's a complete liar and she was probably only saying that because I had told her a few weeks earlier that I didn't want them. She's the type of person who likes to tell you what she thinks you want to hear... drives me crazy. Her husband really wants kids, but all he does is sit in front of the computer and/or TV/video games all evening and weekends. I have joked before that we'll only know for certain that they've had sex when (a) they have kids or (b) they invent a wii video game for it. I know that they have been married for 5 years and they didn't want kids right away, but I ran into her father recently and he so very nicely said that "they have been working hard to make him a grandparent" and all I could think was "I hope they have to keep trying!"
I never like wishing ill on someone, but sometimes... I can't help myself! Not like I'll change anything anyway
Does anyone else feel the same way sometimes?
I totally understand how you feel. I hate it when a cool person announces they are trying to have kids because it is inevitable that they will no longer be fun or interesting to hang out with anymore.
Its cool to keep your guilty wishes to yourself Ziggy. But please take it from one who has been there. DO NOT alienate yourself totally from your friends just cause they are having kids. If you do. You will find up like me old alone and friendless ( almost) lol
With the exception of 2 close friends in town and loads of friends out of town. It gets pretty lonely being CF.
Not that I am complaining. But, if you can handle that great.
And Kudo's to you.
And no problems with your wishes. You can wish all you want that your CF pals remain CF. But as my brother always told me.. "If wishes were horses, beggers would ride"
So, wishing won't don't a damn thing, So never feel guilty about wishing for anything, cause nothing ever comes of it anyway, lol.
Good Luck to you and your CF Pals too.
I do all the time Ziggy!
TW - I have friends or make friends with older kids. When someone has a brand new baby, I'd rather be friendless. It just never works out, it's like torture.
Since DH is in the military, friends come and go regardless. So I usually just wish/hope that they don't have kids before we or they move. I had an awesome friend who just moved in April, had her baby in August. So when she announced pregnancy I didn't care so much. I have another friend who wants to desperately but her husband (also a video game addict) is dragging his feet. I'm hoping they wait long enough until after we are gone - we only have about 11 months so as long as she takes another 2-3 months I'm good! I met another friend who's husband is deploying for 6 months soon - so if they can just not get preggo before the years end, there is no way they will have a baby until after I'm gone, so that would be great!
I have a couple neighbors who are spawning but they turned out to be piss poor friends so no loss there regardless. It sucks that I have to start all over in the friendship department every few years, but it's also a blessing because I can leave behind breeders (good friends who spawn remain in touch online so I don't have to totally "lose" the friendship, we can still talk a little but I don't have to be around the kids).
I learned the hard way early on to avoid most military wives with small children or those with baby rabies. And while some are nice/OK - I can't maintain a close friendship with them. It's more like a casual acquaintance. They are always involved with SO many kid-activities and we have little in common and little time to get together anyway, so I don't see them often. It's almost impossible to have a close friend with a baby/small child because it just doesn't work out. I'd have to immerse myself in kiddie culture and not only of course would I not want that, but it would just look weird/obsessive on my part to go to kiddie functions when I don't have kids. So, therefore anyone with small kids/babies it seems impossible to maintain or have a friendship with them. And because I can't ever get close with them, they don't expect anything from me so it is not a problem.
But I can't tell you how many times I've wished a friend wouldn't spawn.
I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one!
TW: I don't specifically push them away, but they are very likely to drift away as they become obsessed witht heir new child. Plus I am friends with a lot of people who don't plan on having children, so this doesn't seem to be a problem. All of the friends that I have now that plan on having children are ones that I know from years ago (school) and there are fewer of those over time as we go in different directions. Even without the children-factor, they seem to want to stay home and be boring (play video games or complain about their husbands playing video games) while I seek adventure and fun and outdoors, so the differences go beyond kids.
Dana: I have that exact same thing! I work with the military and scientists and many of them are CF which is awesome. Even still, I move my work location every few years which means that I can meet more CF people all the time. I just get this lump in my stomach when I hear "Well, we're thinking about having kids soon" and I make a quiet wish
I know exactly what you mean, Ziggy.
I've had a number of awesome friends who were on the fence, leaning toward CF, but then they went and had kids... While they are still friends of mine, we're not nearly as close. Some might as well be acquaintances anymore.
So now when I have friends who I know have talked about having kids "in the future" or if they're not sure, I secretly hope that they don't have any because I hate the disappointment I feel (especially regarding my fence-sitter friends) when I find out they're going through with it after all.
Ziggy, hoping that someone remains CF is NOT wishing them ill!
I've had this happen to only not even with kids, but just people getting "serious" with a partner. In college I had a good friend who got engaged to a woman. Personally I didn't like her much as she was very controlling. He turned from being a fun guy ready to go out and do things on a moment's notice into one of those "joined at the hip" people. He could never go anywhere unless she was with him so basically it was just the two of them doing only the stuff she enjoyed. I went out to eat with them once and it was awful. They talked to each other and pretty much ignored me and it was basically the end of the friendship.
Eddy,
I understand completely about that too. At least in those situations I would put them in my first category where I would prefer that it didn't happen but "I'm happy they are happy" on some level. It sucks, but at least they are both adults and they can make their own stupid mistakes.
There's a different level where bad people are likely to be incompetent parents, and that's where I start wishing really strongly!
Still, I have a group of friends that I knew from high school and over the next 10 years or so we remained friends. I helped one guy move earlier this year, and I still see some of them on occasion. The difference is that we used to spend every Canada Day and New Year's Eve together, and I can't do that anymore. I can't see all of them at once, because they are all in couples and a few of those like to be really close physically and the rest all seem to migrate that way over the course of an evening. So I don't mind seeing some of them individually, or even specific couples in a larger group, but as one large group? Forgetaboutit.
A side note on NYE last year... I couldn't go because I was stuck in Kandahar, but I found out afterwards that all of the couples were even more glued together than normal, and they had a couple single people... one of the guys who was visiting out of town and his sister. This guy had just been dumped by his wife of 10 years (they were the first to get married, barely out of high school) as she had decided that "she wanted to live her life" and that couldn't be done with a husband or 4 children. So he and his sister got crazy drunk, and then at midnight my one good friend (the one who was telling me about this, she's is in a good relationship but is still very independent) and her BF spent a few awkward minutes wishing the single drunkards a happy new year as everyone sucked face around them. This was how my friend related the events to me, and as I said she's in a happy relationship and wasn't exaggerating the physical awkwardness, so we both commented on how fortunate I was to have not gone. Not like I had a choice, but it does underline the fact that even if I do have a choice in future... I'll find something better to do!
Eddy I've been there too. I would have a female friend who obviously had low self-esteem that depended on whether she had a man. She'd fall in love by the 2nd date and decide to forgo everyone else. Then when it ended, she had no friends. Unfortunately this was the scenario I could use to describe 2 or 3 different friends on more than 1 occasion....
One girl told me she couldn't ever hang out with me and our other co-workers because her boyfriend "didn't do girls nights" well no shit, he isn't a girl! But he didn't "approve" so... therefore she didn't go.
I had a guy friend that was like that too. I said well whenever you guys have an evening you are together we can do this and that, and he's like oh we are never going to be apart we are going to be together every second not at work. Um, Ok! he was a guy who was so desperate to settle down and breed he took up with anyone he could and attached himself to the hip with her.
Ziggy - I share your secret wish. I'm the same way. Whenever I find out someone I know is preggo or their spouse is preggo I'm bummed about it. It's natural, I think, to wish that other people we know are like us in this way.