Edited to add: No, this is not me being suicidal, just tired of feeling so out of sorts and different from everyone else.
Honestly. I just feel so wrong for this planet sometimes, like I don't belong. I've felt this way as long as I can remember.
Most recent experiences: DH takes an Aikido class and one of his classmates had a party Saturday to celebrate getting a black belt. He's a young guy, still living with his parents, so the party was at their nice house full of people and food. I felt totally out of place and naked when I got there, extremely uncomfortable, DH knew most of the people there and there was only one person there I'd met previously, once. I hate situations like that, I'm not comfortable in a party full of strangers.
So I got a plate of food and sat down in an empty chair on the patio near the pool. It's always easy to hide behind food. I'd only taken one bite, and this shitty kid comes up to me, about 8 years old or so (I guess, I never know) and demands I get out of his chair because he had been sitting there earlier. A normal person would say something cute and adorable to the kid, because, you know, all kids are just cute and adorable. But to me, most kids are gross and horrible, and I'd rather not have them near me or talking to me or touching me. I had nothing to say, I remembered making a promise long ago to DH to not refer to children as "little bastards" in front of their parents. So instead of saying, "Look, you little bastard, this isn't your fucking chair, now get lost," I just rolled my eyes and got up and walked away.
I found a garden wall to perch on and tried to resume eating and the next thing I know there's some kind of crazy ruckus going on, and DH is yelling at me to come back and sit down. Everyone's looking at me, and the mother of the kid is apparently fuming. It seems that me just rolling my eyes and finding another place to sit was the worst thing ever. I should have come up with some kind of adorable thing to say to the adorable kid. But shit like that doesn't come naturally to me, I have no idea what to say, I had no idea how to handle it, I just walked away to avoid swearing at some random brat. We'd only just arrived, but in no time everyone thought I was a freak and I infuriated some mom. All I wanted was to eat my fucking BBQ ribs in peace, for fuck's sake. And, of course, because I was very probably the only person there who hates kids and is CF, I'm the only idiot who doesn't know how to handle this kind of situation like a regular person would.
Then on Sunday I did some free dog massages at my dog groomer's new place for her grand opening. I got my stuff together and sat down and waited for the people to come in, and the owners had a bunch of their friends and family there to check out the new place. Of course, this means there were kids there. There were only three; a 4 year-old girl, a 14 month-old toddling girl thing, and a boy just learning to walk so I guess he's just under 12 months or something. No, none of them were screaming or acting bratty or doing anything terrible, but just having them around made me extremely uncomfortable. I didn't think they were cute or interesting, I had nothing to say to them or about them.
Then the mother of the boy put the boy on the floor to change his shit bag. Great. But that wasn't the bad part. The bad part was that while she was doing it, she decided to tell everyone that the boy had recently started eating his shit out of his diaper. And isn't that cute and funny and adorable? NO! It's pure fucking awful! But everyone reacted by laughing and thinking it was just so adorable, and then they all started sharing stories about their own kids smearing shit all over their cribs and the walls and "finger painting" with shit. Ha ha ha!! Ain't that funny!
Aaaarrrgggghhh!!!!! I just don't fit in. I don't talk about sports or the weather or shit or babies or anything. Obviously, the grooming shop is not the place for me to talk about how much I hate kids, or about politics or anything serious. So what do I do? I just sat there quietly and tried to talk about dogs and dog massage or my course work or something. But I only knew a couple of people there, so I just sort of ended up in a corner not talking to anyone, and hoping for lots of dogs to massage throughout the 5 hours of the grand opening party. In the end I massaged about 10 dogs for about five minutes each due to all the commotion and noise and excitement, so I had lots of downtime. Ugh, I just sat there, feeling so out of place, wishing I'd brought my Kindle to read while everyone talked around me.
I remember my grandfather telling me about my grandmother back in the day, he said when she was young and still lived with her parents, she'd bring a book to the dinner table to avoid conversation or interaction with the apparently loud and boisterous family they were. When my grandfather was courting her, he'd often have dinner at her house with her family, and he said her parents would be furious at her for reading during dinner, and she'd try to hide it by putting the book in her lap. I barely knew her, she committed suicide when I was about 10, so I never actually knew her as a person. I wonder if I have not inherited whatever it was that made her read at the dinner table to avoid people. I wonder if she was CF, but she had no choice in those days. She certainly wasn't a good mother, and she made my mother nuts. I wonder if you can inherit that "not cut out for this world" feeling.
Anastasia, I would have told the kid that, as a kid, he gets to go sit somewhere else, and I, as an adult, get to stay seated. And if that made anyone mad, I would leave. But then, I am one of the most confrontational people I ever met! My tactics don't necessarily work for everyone. And yes, always bring a book. Stick your face in it and never, ever look up if there are any brats present. Didn't somebody post something here recently that the gene for CF may be inherited, the same as your sexuality?
This week I was in orientation seminars for my department. There were around 90 of us when we were all in the same place at once. One day, someone in the department brought a kid in a carriage, and on the break, nearly every woman in the room was on it like flies on shit. I didn't go anywhere near it or ask about it or anything. But at least no one expected me to.
eslbee Wrote:This week I was in orientation seminars for my department. There were around 90 of us when we were all in the same place at once. One day, someone in the department brought a kid in a carriage, and on the break, nearly every woman in the room was on it like flies on shit. I didn't go anywhere near it or ask about it or anything. But at least no one expected me to.
That reminds me of a similar situation that I experienced a couple of weeks ago. DH is in the Navy, so I'm sure you know all about "mandatory fun." We had a hail and farewell at a downtown restaurant for one of DH's co-workers and there was a couple there who brought their kids. I was really surprised they were the only ones. They had a small boy, maybe 2 or 3 years old, and a brand new freshly squeezed out baby girl. Unfortunately they sat right next to us, of all the people to sit next to. At one point the mother even started breast feeding at the table, which I'm totally creeped out by, but she had a blanket over the vileness. But then later they sat the baby, shit bag and all, on the table. So I can't bring my dog into a restaurant, but it's okay for a kid wearing a bag of shit and piss to be sitting right on the table where people eat?
Anyway, all the Navy women and wives and girlfriends basically stood in line to hold the baby at some point. They all cooed and were madly in love with it. I just can't imagine it, never felt it, not ever, not once in my life have I desired to hold some random stranger baby just because it was a baby. *Shudder* I actually did read some of my Kindle book on my iPhone that night at the table.
I do know how to hold a baby, but I never let on. Who knows what might happen next?
It's not that you don't belong, it's that stupid ass selfish breeders have taken over the world. People just don't have manners or a decent thought anymore, and they don't teach their kids. Stupid people who think it's cute and OK for what that kid did at the party are just plain wrong and need to be slapped along with their stupid brat.
I too feel like I don't belong lately, but that is because of all the issues I've had with "friends" these past 2-3 years. I am seriously planning to isolate myself the rest of this year. Like, I actually started planning out in my head how to avoid certain situations and people, right down to quitting a class I like at the gym, etc. I know it sounds sad but I don't care. My DH is military too so the mandatory fun is something I can relate too. Luckily DH's squadron is so overworked and undermanned (well not luckily really) that there is no time and not enough people for anything mandatory fun. People would wonder why I didn't want to go to the Xmas party. Um let's see forcing a smile while exchanging fake pleasantries? It's SO fake and forced when those people come up and try to talk and you can tell they are just doing it because its expected. No one really gives a shit.
Are you enjoying the dog massage though?
I'm so sorry. It sounds like absolute torture.
Was your husband part of the general "beat up Anastasia for not cooing over the rude little boy" brigade at the BBQ?
Here's a little survival tip. Memorize this line, and practice repeating it with a smile, aimed at the child in question: "Well, aren't you sweet?" It works for every occasion!
"Don't you want to hold the baby?" -- "well, aren't you sweet!" (walk away)
"That's my chair!" -- "Well, aren't you sweet!" (remain seated)
"Why would anyone want to massage a dog when they could play with this little pwecious bundle?" -- "Well, aren't you sweet!" (massage dog or read Kindle)
All people want is validation. Since you're not invested in these people, give it to them and move on! It will make everyone's lives easier.
Ugh - that party with the child sounds awful! You were a lot nicer about losing your chair than I would have been - like eslbee I would have stayed put.
Like you I avoid situations where I don't know people. I'm very uncomfortable in parties and generally make excuses not to attend them. Especially if there are going to be kids or people with kids.
One of the worst parts of parties is when the men and the women separate and I'm stuck with the women. The conversation inevitably turns to kids/grandkids or weddings and I feel like a total idiot. I have nothing to contribute, and then I worry that everyone either thinks I'm standoffish or feels sorry for me because I'm not married and haven't reproduced. In those situations I mostly try to just keep smiling.
Bringing a book or newspaper is a good strategy - keeps you occupied at least.
I like PG's advice - it's certainly true that people are looking for validation.
My office is all women except our temp. He and I talk candidly with one another and the other day he was pointing out what a great acting job I do here. It's true - I smile and speak sweetly and positively when what I'm really thinking isn't fit to print. Sometimes faking it is necessary.
As you all well know, I struggle immensely with the whole "fitting in" thing and it's been the curse of my life for the past several years.
Part of what helped me was that road trip last year, where I got to meet people (like Anastasia, herself) and clue into the fact that I *DO* have tons of friends and like-minded people in my life and people who GET ME, but they are just scattered far and wide and not exactly conventional friendships. After that, I began to be REALLY grateful for the friends I had and the people who got me instead of focusing on the masses who didn't.
FWIW, Anastasia, you have your DH and us, and that's seriously something. Just because you don't like being in crowds of strangers does not make you the problem... it just means you have to find more creative ways to spend time with people who like and get you outside of contrived social situations. I will not do stupid family functions for that exact reason -- I HATE contrived situations where I'm supposed to act a certain way and say certain things. I am what I am, and I prefer to surround myself with people who get me. I don't know if you read my blog or not, but I just blogged about this last weekend -- I went to a bonfire where half the people were friends and half were not. The half I didn't know started picking on me about the fact that I don't shave off my body hair, and it was a ridiculous conversation, very confrontational and unnecessary. What did it accomplish? Nothing, except to make me feel like I don't fit in with a bunch of blowhards. Big deal. I moseyed over to the pool where my friends were, and we all went skinny dipping and it was AMAZING. In a few short minutes I transitioned from hanging with a bunch of people who were making me feel awkward and unwelcome to a group of people who accepted me EXACTLY as I was, and it was awesome. We were splashing in the moonlight, and I LOVED it.
I know exactly how you feel Anastasia. I have never fit in -- ANYWHERE. Sometimes the view is better from the outside, but sometimes I do want to fit in. I'm even that way with my family and I've known them all my life. I'm worse with stangers.
I would have reacted exactly as you did with that kid. I roll my eyes quite a bit actually. He was rude and his mother should have made him apologize to you but that isn't done yet because it might crush Bratley's precious self esteem.
I remember shortly after my sister's kid was born she had him in one of those things that let you carry them without your hands. It wasn't a sling, it was like a backpack only it went across her chest. She walked over to where I was sitting and I couldn't think of anything cute to say. I just looked at him for a few seconds. She walked away and got validation from somewhere else.
Jo -- making fun of someone's personal decision to let their body hair grow is just beyond rude. It almost boggles my mind that people would make an issue out of that. At least there were people there who accepted you and you were able to turn the situation around.
I am sorry you had to deal with 2 shitty incidents in a row. First of all, there are 2 different things going on here. One is that I think you are an HSP: Highly Sensitive Person. (I have read a book about this and am pretty sure I am one of these too.) We are the types of people who get our feelings hurt very easily, are easily annoyed by loud noises, physical discomfort, unpleasant situations, etc. Other less sensitive people just grin and bear it, but for people like us it's torture. Here's some more info on the HSP:
http://www.hsperson.com/
The second thing going on here is that you are surrounded by intolerant idiotic breeders. I am shocked that an 8-yo kid would be rude enough to tell an adult guest to get out of his seat. You did not do anything wrong in that situation: in fact, you were probably too polite. That kid should have been told basically what eslbee suggested: there are no "reserved seats" at a party, and it's bad manners for a child to tell an adult to give up their seat. The Moo was totally out of line. This would have been a perfect opportunity for her to teach her brat manners, but instead she chose to act like a breederbrain and attack YOU for making her pweshus feel bad.
The people at the party should have stuck up for you in this situation. Why didn't they? A. Because they know her better than they know you, or B. because they only heard the Moo and brat's side of the story, or C. they are also breederbrain shitheads.
The people at the second party talking about eating shit? GROSS! That is just disgusting. I don't think it is funny either. It sounds like you did the best you could in that situation. You politely ignored the disgusting, inappropriate conversation; you made small-talk and introduced topics of conversation, and you politely stayed quiet when the other people didn't want to talk to you. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You were there to do a job (canine massage) and you did it.
Horse Racer Wrote:Jo -- making fun of someone's personal decision to let their body hair grow is just beyond rude. It almost boggles my mind that people would make an issue out of that. At least there were people there who accepted you and you were able to turn the situation around.
Seriously. WTF? I hate how rigid and uptight our society is becoming about body hair. Apparently women are not allowed to have facial hair, leg hair, armpit hair, arm hair, or even pubic hair, and we can't have thick eyebrows either. We are all supposed to look like plastic Barbie-doll adult film stars. It makes me sick.
This is OT, but when I lived in Ithaca, NY it was more typical for women NOT to shave. I think the ones who did felt self-conscious!
Also OT - the whole cultural thing around hair relates to infantalizing women - who doesn't have body hair yet - young girls. As we see an increasing sexualization of ever younger girls and the pressure on adult women to ape the very young, we see less and less hair on the "ideal woman".
Sorry about the thread hijack... I don't mean for the body hair thing to be an issue, because in my life it simply IS NOT AN ISSUE. It's actually rattling for me when people bring it up because on the whole, no one ever does.
Just goes back to what Anastasia was saying about what is socially acceptable to say out loud and what isn't. Breeders think it's just fine and dandy to chastise adults who don't suffer their children's foolish antics gladly, as aren't you a BIG BAD MEAN BABY HATER and you are an adult and YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER. They don't think there is anything wrong with calling your out on your TOTALLY socially unacceptable (ahem... by their standards, of course) behaviour.
In this group of drunk blowhards (in my case) it was socially acceptable for that one guy to slur, "No guy would EVER fuck a hairy woman" because that's his reality and he never would. I said very calmly, "Dude, that's patently untrue. I'm hairy woman and I've been fucked by guys. Scuse me, but that renders your arguement moot." Of course he didn't care. He wanted to be right.
Like I said, I didn't feel like arguing. I just wanted to be left alone to be myself with people who accepted me.
I think the solution lies in finding a small group of people who get you and trying to spend the bulk of your time with those people. No sense trying to stuff a square peg in a round hole. It's kind of futile.
My father used to use the expression "Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here" in situations like yours.
In the first situation I would have expected that they were calling you over so that you could have the chair back and the child would learn that he couldn't be so impolite. The military folks that I know with kids all seem to be more strict than average (not any less loving, they just seem to have wonderfully behaved children) and reinforce politeness to adults and guests, and if a child had done that then they would have wanted to correct it. If they were calling you over because you rolled your eyes... then that's seriously fucked up!
I have often missed big parties by being out of town. Usually it was random luck, but sometimes it was convenientlly planned. For example I know that they often have their big party on the last Friday before the holidays, so I arranged to leave for New Orleans with Jo on that Friday. I'm not saying that you should flee town, but if you were thinking about a weekend away... plan it around those times. Thinking of doing a few days of practicum in another town for your studies? Pick that weekend! I find that planning ahead and responding with "Oh, but I already have my ticket booked!" works well.
ROFL yeah, and in Ziggy's case, it worked doubly well, because she bowed out of a family affair with the IRON CLAD, unmockable excuse "I'm going to do volunteer work in a disaster zone." Even die hard christians can't exactly say anything to that. If that's not the freakin' xmas spirit, I don't know what is. LOL
I recently declined an invitation to a friend's big speech because it's at a Unitarian Universalist church mass (or service, or whatever they call it) and I calmly told her congratulations on getting such a great gig, unfortunately I don't attend christian church services (that goes against my beliefs) but thank you so much for inviting me, and have a great time.
She asked me repeatedly. Would NOT let up with her insistances that UUs are NOT christian, and it didn't matter what I said or why I didn't want to go, because she wasn't listening to the last part of that sentence... where I said I "didn't want to go". Sometimes even 'good' excuses fall on deaf ears.
I loved Zig's get-out-of-xmas-free card, though, because it worked really well for her, and the family got to rest assured she was doing something selfless and deep in the xmas spirit. Never mind we met Brad Pitt and Rose and goofed around a lot... and basically had a great vacation. Her family didn't need to know that was why we were going. LOL
Unitarians are not mostly Christian in my region.
40% of the local members are Atheist /Humanists.
They are also Buddhist, Agnostic, Pagans, Native Spirituality, and lots more including creating your own belief system.
Yeah, I keep hearing that, but even a cursory google search turns up
the wikipedia page which clearly outlines that it's a monotheistic religion that was originally christian and they believe in the teachings of Jesus. Three lemons, sorry, that's a FAIL for me. There are more references to Jesus on that page than I care to read. I glaze over when christianity seeps in.
Even if it has evolved into something else, it's just that my PERSONAL beliefs don't coincide with me setting foot in a christian based/esque/positive church, no matter what you think that church philosophy is. It's MY belief system.
It's like those whackadoos that DO NOT LISTEN when I tell them repeatedly I don't celebrate xmas. OH BUT WE AREN'T CELEBRATING IT they say.
The point is, people don't listen to you when you speak. They hear what they want to hear, so the solution lies in firm and repeated "Nos".
You know, it isn't just the CF getting sick and fucking tired of the vile behaviors of brats.
I am reading more and more complaints regarding this issue on other boards and much more often....to my surprise!
This attitude of, "The child is always right" needs to change........yesterday.
I think I have said this before, but there are a MILLION fascinating and interesting things to discuss in this world! Why, oh, why is soooo much time and energy WASTED discussing the color and texture of shit in a diaper or how Mickenzzeiyy got a Blue Ribbon for her piece-o-garbage art work (oh ya-ALL the kids get Blue Ribbons in the class-how keeyute).
I feel for ya Anastasia. Trust me. I am losing more and more patience for the bad manners that kidz possess, but I am also losing my kindness and tolerance with the Parunts.
Thanks everyone for such good responses.
Dana--Mandatory fun squadron xmas parties, ugh. Gods I hate those. Last year, DH was on deployment so I didn't have to go. But I did have to go to his family's house, which I hate because I feel extremely uncomfortable there, too.
I am enjoying dog massage, but I'm not doing much of it because I still have so much to learn, I've only done half the 682 hours of course work. There was only one practicum module and I did that. The owner of the school says anyone can come back for no extra charge and help out with the practicums and learn more. I just wish she held them more than just once a year. In all probability I will be doing workshops at other places, and I might attend a school that teaches animal acupressure.
PG--yes, DH was involved in that yelling at me to come back and sit down thing. He thought I was crazy for just getting up and walking away, but when I explained to him I was just censoring myself to keep from saying "fuck you" to some random kid, he understood. He was amused.
"Well, aren't you sweet," is a good one! I'll have to remember that next time.
CNK--I, too, hate it when the men and women separate at parties. I have no idea what to say when they start to talk about kids and boring shit like that. It's almost like I wasn't meant to be a woman, but I'm not a dude talking about sports, either. At military parties, the dudes separate to talk about work and sports, so that leaves me out, and then the women are usually just chasing after their screaming kids. So I sit in a corner. If I'm lucky we're at some CO's house that has a dog. Then I'm occupied.
Jo--I don't read your blog, how do I find it? I'm sorry you experienced that bullshit from morons at the bonfire. I hate guys like that, unfortunately, there are so many of them.
Scorp--You're probably right, I might be an HSP. I've always have such intense feelings about, well, pretty much everything. When I read about animals being abused or killed for fun, it makes me feel like I shouldn't live on this planet with people like this, like I just don't belong here. I'll have to check out that link you posted.
Ziggy--The party with the kid and the chair wasn't a military thing, it was DH's Aikido class friends.
In the past I've suggested we be conveniently out of town for Thanksgiving or xmas to avoid extremely uncomfortable family gatherings, but DH will have none of it and insists I go with him. In fact, in a couple of weeks I have to go to Phoenix with him to his brother's wedding and I'm absolutely dreading it. The whole family will be there, at least two of them hate me (he has a huge family) and the brother getting married is such an arrogant asshole that he introduced himself to me twice because he dismissed me the first time he met me and didn't remember me. And DH insists that I have to go. And I hate the heat.
I've always been this way. I was one of those kids in school that was hardcore bullied. It stared in kindergarten and continued all the way through college and into my first job after college. I went to a Catholic high school for my freshman and sophomore years, and at lunch there I had to sit alone. I did have a couple of friends there, other geeks like me who were bullied, but they had the other lunch period, so I had to sit at an empty table alone. Then someone I went to grade school with felt sorry for me and asked me to join her and her friends at their table, and when I did, no one would talk to me. So I went back to my own table.
I remember being in a room full of people feeling utterly and completely alone. I asked a classmate if she'd ever felt that way and she thought I was insane. I had people thinking I was nuts and avoiding me, or people confronting me with actual physical violence.
I transferred to a public school for the last two years of high school and things got much better. I had better friends, and, for the most part, people stopped beating me up. Except one guy, a jock, threatened to kill me during the senior year because he didn't like the way I looked. Word got back to one of my teachers, who told me to take the threat seriously because the guy was dangerous and probably meant it. For some reason he left me alone anyway, and he died in a drug-fueled car crash right after graduation. Buh-BYE redneck asshole.
I just wish we had this internets thingy back in the day. I wouldn't have been nearly as depressed because I would have found lots of people out there like me. It was extra hard because I was trapped in redneckville tennessee, I didn't have a southern accent, I was into punk and goth, I never wanted to have kids when I grew up, and I wasn't christian. I don't know how I made it out of there alive, it was so lonely there, and I hate running into that feeling now as an adult, being the only person in the room not with the program, not fitting in.
I'm glad to have this forum!
Anastasia, I'm just sort of typing out loud here, but I thought of two things. First, if certain functions cause you severe psychic pain, you really should not be doing them, and it sounds to me like your DH would understand that. Maybe you could compromise over what sorts of events to go to, like you attend anything not likely to last more than an hour. Also, you need a signal for leaving when you are overwhelmed. And separate cars would be good so you can leave and he can stay. Also, could you not take turns over how to spend holidays? One year you do it your way, other years, his. If you have been doing it all his way, you get more options and input than he does. And as always, it is possible to spend some holidays apart.