We Kid You Not Childfree Forums

"Ugh, I should have taken my Rescue Remedy spray with me to see if would work in such a stressful situation, but I totally forgot it!"

Or next time fake a bladder infection and duck out at awkward moments with your legs crossed I don't mean to make light of the situation, and they'll probably know the underlying reason for ducking out isn't the infection, but they don't understand 'mental need to escape' so you might as well use 'physical need to escape' which they do. I know, it might not be a workable solution for you, but I'll at least throw it out there...

It is more than slightly irritating that there isn't a huge amount of compromise, but at least you're able to talk to him about it and he is willing to compromise that you don't have to go. Not ideal, but if he's open to options then maybe you can search for Option #3. Again, not that it is ideal, but I'm also glad to hear that it seems to be more of an irritation about his family rather than him wanting to do something against your will. He loves you for who you are, but maybe he just wishes that these things were easier for you (as in his family may not bother him because he's used to it but he knows that it isn't easy for you and he wishes it wasn't that way).

Sorry, I don't mean to throw anything too meaningful in my commentary but I live in hope that there's an option that makes both of you happy. Maybe he can agree to come back home as quickly as possible and you can have a nice little (financially responsible) mini-vacation together? Or you could volunteer somewhere over the holidays? Whatever you decide, I wish you luck and happiness.

Ugh, that sounds dreadful. I am not a dancer by any means and like you I don't swim nor do I care to expose my body. I don't even own a pair of swimtrunks or shorts. At least you can have the holidays alone which will be far more relaxing for you.

Anastasia, I would STILL opt out and stay home. At home you can read, watch TV, nap and enjoy your own music or whatever. I would rather be alone because I like to be alone compared to being with people. Most of the time they just irritate the crap out of me.

I think I'd rather be alone too. And you can always make like you feel a flu coming on. You wouldn't want to get the lil preciouses sick right? Ha.

That is so clever, Dana. It's a wonderful excuse her DH can give people and make her look like a loving aunt from a safe and healthy distance.

I have to run, but I want to come back to this thread.


Anastasia, you are not alone. I would not be surprised if most of us here are HSP. I am. My BF is. I think it's probably pretty common with us. I need to read the link that was posted about it by CFS, but I'll bet HS and "alternative" lifestyles/worldviews go hand-in-hand. Just a theory.

Anastasia, even though most of us are not near you geographically, you DO have friends, and you DO have people who get you.

Jen M.

This is one of my favorite songs EVER, and I thought the lyrics were very appropriate to this thread:

"Marooned"- The Gathering

I know I'm from a lesser tribe
I suppose the range of my intelligence
is way too high

And you don't see me
'cause I don't have much to say

My emotional outlet
is consuming the better part of me
And apart from the wrong words
a tortured cry is making me see

That you don't see me
'cause I don't have much to say

hours and hours of jealousy
are passing me by
Although hollow silence
is the only wave
going through your brain

And you don't see me
'cause I don't have much to say

If you've never heard or heard of The Gathering, they are an AMAZING Dutch alternative rock band. The lead singer's voice is beautiful, and it's set against heavy rock stylings. It's wonderful stuff--if that's your type of thing. Mainly just wanted to share the lyrics, due to the subject of this thread.

Jen M.

---

Ok. I've finished with this thread. So many of you told my very own story. There are times when I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, even within some of my own circles. There always seems to be some area where my own views or habits diverge from the norm, but what can I say? I'm me. I can't be anyone else, and I won't let anyone tell me any different.

Anastasia, your DH's family sounds a lot like my step family in terms of that "family cult" mentality, which I just will never get. They do all of their socializing together--and that's fine, if that's your thing--but I don't get it at all and sometimes find it kind of creepy. I'm sure they all have friends outside the family, but I've only ever met very few.

I have given up trying to fit into that family. For years, I refused to go to any family gathering. Nowadays, I try to make it to one or two a year, just for my mom's sake. Some of them are decent to her, but overall, I don't think they ever accepted her or really respect her all that much. I KNOW most of them want nothing to do with me. Last event I went to, D and I sat there on the sofa, in a kitchen/room full of people, and we were totally ignored. It was depressing.

For the most part, I don't go to events. It's not worth my time and energy. Anastasia, if you can safely find an alternative (as in without it damaging your relationship with your DH,) I'd encourage you, for the sake of your health and sanity, to just Do Your Own Thing. I know it's not always easy, but I think you'll be glad you took your life back.

As for relationships and time online, my boyfriend and I have a very happy, healthy relationship, and I have a pretty good life. Thing is, I'm stuck at work 8 hours a day, often with not much to do. So here I am!

Jen M.

I appreciate your thoughts Jen. The Marooned song lyrics are pretty great.

I would love to do my own thing when it comes to DH's family gatherings, but DH insists I come along so he can be with me, even though it sucks for me.

There are about a million ways I don't fit in with people around me. I find examples every day.

Me, too, and as ranty as I am, it actually makes me really sad.

I think it's nice that your DH wants to be with you, but have you really talked this out with him? I mean, does he know how much this stuff hurts you? Couldn't he maybe compromise and stay home with you or do something, just the two of you, sometimes?

I'm not picking on your DH. I just don't understand. Is he in denial?

Jen M.

(10-08-2009 05:12 PM)Bittercat Wrote: [ -> ]I have to run, but I want to come back to this thread.


Anastasia, you are not alone. I would not be surprised if most of us here are HSP. I am. My BF is. I think it's probably pretty common with us. I need to read the link that was posted about it by CFS, but I'll bet HS and "alternative" lifestyles/worldviews go hand-in-hand. Just a theory.

Anastasia, even though most of us are not near you geographically, you DO have friends, and you DO have people who get you.

Jen M.

i went to a weekend workshop with the author of The Highly Sensitive Person. I had 2 of her books and she signed one. I gave one to a coworker who I thought would benefit from the book. Then she had a meltdown at work and quit on the spot. I wrote her at her address to please send back the book. I finally sent a note with a $5 bill and she still did not return the book. I am thinking she is so sensitive she was too embarrassed to return it or else she lost it in the clutter of her house. i was so mad about her not returning the signed book, I have not thought about this for a long time, but this reminded me of that. This happened in 2006!
HSPs can have a hard time, with all those insensitive extroverts who seem to be the majority.

(10-12-2009 11:53 PM)noelle Wrote: [ -> ]i went to a weekend workshop with the author of The Highly Sensitive Person. I had 2 of her books and she signed one. I gave one to a coworker who I thought would benefit from the book. Then she had a meltdown at work and quit on the spot. I wrote her at her address to please send back the book. I finally sent a note with a $5 bill and she still did not return the book. I am thinking she is so sensitive she was too embarrassed to return it or else she lost it in the clutter of her house. i was so mad about her not returning the signed book, I have not thought about this for a long time, but this reminded me of that. This happened in 2006!
HSPs can have a hard time, with all those insensitive extroverts who seem to be the majority.

Damn! I HATE people like that. I bought one of the HSP books just a couple of weeks ago, I've put it in my massive book queue. I read so slowly, I have Adult ADD and can't concentrate on anything for more than a minute or two. I can't get anything done, either.

I'm sorry that person did not return your signed book. Situations like that cause me much anxiety. She sounds highly sensitive to her own issues, but not terribly sensitive to others.

(10-12-2009 10:27 PM)Bittercat Wrote: [ -> ]Me, too, and as ranty as I am, it actually makes me really sad.

I think it's nice that your DH wants to be with you, but have you really talked this out with him? I mean, does he know how much this stuff hurts you? Couldn't he maybe compromise and stay home with you or do something, just the two of you, sometimes?

I'm not picking on your DH. I just don't understand. Is he in denial?

Jen M.

My spouse "insists" on a lot of things, too, but if I can't, I don't. I gotta join with Bittercat in asking, or what? In other words, if you talk it out and he still insists, and you don't go, then what?

(10-13-2009 01:08 AM)eslbee Wrote: [ -> ]

(10-12-2009 10:27 PM)Bittercat Wrote: [ -> ]Me, too, and as ranty as I am, it actually makes me really sad.

I think it's nice that your DH wants to be with you, but have you really talked this out with him? I mean, does he know how much this stuff hurts you? Couldn't he maybe compromise and stay home with you or do something, just the two of you, sometimes?

I'm not picking on your DH. I just don't understand. Is he in denial?

Jen M.

My spouse "insists" on a lot of things, too, but if I can't, I don't. I gotta join with Bittercat in asking, or what? In other words, if you talk it out and he still insists, and you don't go, then what?

I dunno, we've been talking and talking it to death for 9 years. All I know is where it stands right now, which is in the car on the drive back from Phoenix he said he was going to stop making me go to these things. Either I bitched and moaned enough to annoy him or someone said something to him. But knowing him as I do, I can imagine come Thanksgiving or xmas he could change his mind.

I would exercise caution when setting up a situation where your spouse has to chose between you and his family. My guess is that for most people if their spouse asked them to decide between themselves and their family it would be very painful and difficult. I imagine that when one has aging parents and siblings that one has a close connection to it's very hard to break those ties.

Maybe it would be worth it to figure out how many hours you have to spend with his family and then figure out how many hours of arguing and bad feelings you have with your DH over this issue. It would be interesting if you were actually spending more time arguing over it than you'd have to spend with the family.

From other things you've posted about your DH sounds like a pretty great guy who really cares about you and does a lot for you. Maybe he's worth doing a few things you don't want to do?

Well, at least he's Hearing you now. I sort-of agree with Catsnotkids, in that it may be that it really hurts him deeply that the people he cares about most--his family on the one hand, and his wife on the other--can't get along. Maybe he just really wants everyone to live in harmony and was holding out hope.

I'm glad he has relented and has said that he will not make you go.

I do not get the impression that you are making him choose. I get the impression that you are simply stating your needs and leaving it up to him what HE wants to do (ie, stay home with you, go to the events, some of both.)

The important thing is you are communicating about this.
Jen M.

(10-13-2009 09:54 AM)Bittercat Wrote: [ -> ]I do not get the impression that you are making him choose.

I'm not making him choose at all, and he doesn't see it that way, either. He can't stand his mother and first step-mother and several of his siblings. He feels obligated to hang out with them when there's a family event, and I don't. He wants me with him so he can share in the misery of hanging out with them, and I don't want to spend one minute in situations like that because I spent my entire childhood doing things I didn't want to. Now my family is mostly dead and the rest are far away, so I'm done with all that.

Oh, wow. You need to let him know he is not obligated.

You're BOTH suffering. That sucks!

Jen M.

Good golly, yes! Bittercat is right. BJ has asked me several times if she's a bad person for avoiding her brother and his family like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and I say, "Hell, no, honey," because I can't stand them either. They are a pack of idiots who get themselves into all kinds of hairy, dodgy and dangerous situations due to poor priorities and bad judgement, then they come to her for money, and she blows them off. This happens several times a year. So we never go visit them, we never invite them, and we are always "going out of town" if they plan to come here. We have never, ever celebrated a holiday or family occasion with them. Once in a while we vacation in their area and in that case we meet them for dinner someplace. Their home is a mess and we are afraid to have the dogs in it because of what may be on the floor. The only other thing we do is stay in touch with some of the nieces and nephews because they, in turn, have daughters who need to see that woman have choices and can succeed professionally. And that's it for family contact on her side. Most of mine are dead but I e-mail with the living ones and talk on the phone to the older ones who don't have e-mail. There are no bad feelings, we're just not real close.

Bottom line; it's your life. Live it for each other.