I'm not even married yet, and it's started from the moment we got engaged. We've been engaged now for over a year, and we're getting married in April.
My fiance has one brother, who is married. Most of the comments have come from the brother's wife. She even told me that they were going to have a baby spring 2009, and she's not even pregnant yet, so I'm tempted to ask what happened to that plan, and she wants 4 kids.
Well.
When we were looking at getting a car, she said we HAD to get a car with 4 doors for driving 'nieces and nephews' around. Since I'm an only child, there are NO nieces or nephews. Also, he doesn't have a close relationship NOW as it is with his brother, so how often would we see them? Plus we live in a child-free building. I even told the sister-in-law that I don't know if I can even hold a baby, I have some paralysis in my right hand and arm, and it comes and goes. I am at a high-risk of bleeding...
And then everyone's asking when we'll have kids and all this. And why are we waiting so long to get married. etc.
Things MAY change. But right now, we are both 23 years old, I am disabled and do not work. My fiance is working THREE jobs, and is an Apprentice Cook trying to become a chef. Our lifestyle will probably change and improve when he is done all his training. Right now we have a hard time providing for the 2 of us let alone a child. It pisses me off when people have children, and cannot afford them. It's a big responsibility. We're also concerned about the environment and over-population. We don't make enough money to adopt.
I'm pretty sure that he's always wanted kids. But he's supportive of me and whatever I decide. He said it's up to me... we've talked about kids and we've talked about not having them.
My parents were married 7 years before I was born and my mom said they were constantly asked when they'd have kids, and why they didn't have any.
My fiance and I are Christian and it seems strange in the Christian community to be child-free.
Welcome to the board, Paris! Sounds like you and your fiance are responsible people who are actually thinking about your future in a rational way. I am sorry to hear that you are surrounded by breeder-brains. This is a great place to vent about stuff like that.
It's nobody's business but yours. You don't have to answer them or discuss it at all. Just change the subject, tell them it's not up for discussion, or whatever. If they won't stop, walk away.
Wecome to our little group of iconoclasts. We hope you'll like it here.
if anyone asks, tell them that it's none of their business. if they persist, then you tell them that it's none of them damned business. and move on. yes, it does seem that in the christian community (and every other religion there is) that they preach 'family and children and preparing yourself for parenthood.
kmoore Wrote:if anyone asks, tell them that it's none of their business. if they persist, then you tell them that it's none of them damned business. and move on. yes, it does seem that in the christian community (and every other religion there is) that they preach 'family and children and preparing yourself for parenthood.
I will say, when we did an online quiz for part of the pre-marital training, there were a lot of questions about raising children. We knew at that time that we didn't want children, so we both did random answers. We each did the same quiz separately online.
So, the minister said that we scored very well on a lot of sections but there was a lot of discrepancy only in the areas of children. We just quickly said that we didn't plan to have any, and he was very understanding, and that was it. I do know of an older couple in my church and they are child-free. Instead of having children, they have gone on a lot of missions trips around the world.
Welcome to the board. It will only get worse as the big day gets closer and god help you afterwards.
I understand what you are going through Paris. My husband and I have been together for 10 years. Only 5 of those ten are married years. We got engaged in the 2nd year of us being together but we were engaged for 3 years before we had the wedding. I knew from the get go that we didn't want kids. I had people asking me left and right why we were waiting so long to get married and when were we having kids and when I was going to be pregnant and blah blah blah.
Trust me, it got old FAST. But we knew what we wanted, and we didn't let anyone deter us from our plans. Our wedding was gorgeous and it went off without a problem. We just said, Fuck them. We are doing what we want to do, and we are adults and no one can tell us otherwise.
Obviously, people kept asking about kids years after the wedding. I even had my husband's brother call us selfish for not giving my husbands dad a grandbaby. But we stuck to our guns and knew we were right. We knew what we wanted and what we DIDN'T want. It was hard to deal with sometimes.
But after 10 years together, 5 years married, everyone we know pretty much has accepted the fact that we aren't having kids. And they have left us alone. We still get questions from new friends and old friends, sometimes, but I'm 27 now, my husband is 32. I think they realize we are adults enough to know that we don't want kids. Even if did want one, we still couldn't afford it. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and trying to save up for a vacation.
So, just stick to your guns, you know what you want, and you are an adult. No one can tell you what is right for you except for you.
And as a last resort, if people keep telling you to have kids, or that you'll change your mind or whatever, just tell them that since they are telling you what you should do with your life, then they should go get their tubes tied and live in a nunnery because they're ugly and shouldn't be breeding.
Hello Paris. Have you been on this board before? I remembered around 3 or 4 years ago there was a woman from Paris that was 20 years old at the time. Are you her? I don't remember her name.
paris04 Wrote:My fiance and I are Christian and it seems strange in the Christian community to be child-free.
I am a Christian myself. There are probably more of us than you think. There is a discussion board I go on that's for CF Christians. It does not nearly get a work-out as much as this board does. I get replies if I post something.
It has been hard for me to find someone that's Christian and wants to be CF. You are very blessed to find someone that feels the same way you do. I hope it will happen to me soon.
A lot of Christians believe that we are in the last days (a lot of non Christians believe the same thing). I know that in the Bible there is a scripture that says "
woe to those that are nursing babies in those days". It was Jesus saying that.
Hey, Paris, just quote what Tommy said if any Christians give you a hard time. Tell them you want to be ready, and not nursing, for the rapture. I'm too lazy but I know there are online concordances where you can find the exact chapter and verse.
I am Christian too Paris so I know how you feel. I usually avoid organized religion though.
Just wanted to say welcome and I can't believe your future SIL. She was telling you what car to get? So you can tote HER future children around? Or did she mean for yours? Either way that would make me pretty mad if someone told me I was going to be a taxi for her kids.
Hi Paris - welcome to the board. I'm sorry you are already being pressured about kids even before you are married.
You've found the right place - lots of us are or have been in similar situations. I've never been married and people don't generally ask the unmarried about having kids, so luckily I've dodged this bullet. Now that I'm 40 I'm just too old for that question!
tommy14 Wrote:Hello Paris. Have you been on this board before? I remembered around 3 or 4 years ago there was a woman from Paris that was 20 years old at the time. Are you her? I don't remember her name.
That was KittyKatWoman. I don't think this is her.
Dana Wrote:I am Christian too Paris so I know how you feel. I usually avoid organized religion though.
Just wanted to say welcome and I can't believe your future SIL. She was telling you what car to get? So you can tote HER future children around? Or did she mean for yours? Either way that would make me pretty mad if someone told me I was going to be a taxi for her kids.
She meant for driving her kids around, and she doesn't have any! I was so upset I went with my fiance to talk to his grandmother. She said this is not the time to bring children into the world. (not the answer we expected from her!) but she pretty much said something along the lines of too many people and 'nothing left for them'.
I told my fiance today that I joined this website. I did a web search for "child free groups" and kept finding groups about kids and parenting. Anyway, he was kind of mad, so I was like "WHAT?" He was talking about our cats and rabbit as our "children", LOL.
Anyway, no, I've never been on this site before. I'm actually new to the child-free movement, well, I knew before even meeting my fiance, but I didn't know there was a name for it. My mom is fine with it, she has actually suggested NOT to have kids... which is surprising with me being an only child!
Paris, this board spun off from an international social group called "No Kidding!" which had chapters in most big cities, and was an opportunity for CF people to make new friends and have get togethers such as potlucks and camping trips and stuff like that. It was started by a guy who realized in his 30s that most of his friends who'd had kids were suddenly unavailable for all the fun things they used to do together before the kids. So he had to make new friends.
This board has been through MANY incarnations, and one of the things that keeps dividing it is that some childfree people are all about HATING parents and HATING kids, and that's not really the spirit in which this board was formed. We were getting bad press and attracting attention that was kind of unwanted. Most of us here don't have kids but that does not define who we are anymore than any other facet of our personality. And we certainly don't spend all day talking about how much we hate kids. If anything, we find annoyances in public policy or bad parenting or unfair taxes or workplace/vacation allowances and stuff like that. But on the whole we talk about tons of things BESIDES being CF here.
There is a faction of the group that split off from us that was decidedly atheist and really seemed to fume at discussions of religion. Another set of people were MENSA freaks and thought all CF folk were smarter than everyone else and couldn't stand the 'stupid' people that came around. Another group thought we were being negative, and they wanted a positive space to be.
Like life, CF folks come from all walks, and we've tried to make this place a bit kinder and gentler over the years, and a lot of the more opinionated and radical people moved on. PM me and I can give you links if you like, but we don't tend to advertise for them here, as a lot of them left quite angry. Go figure.
Okay, thanks for the explanation, and yes, I'll send you a PM!
Jo Wrote:There is a faction of the group that split off from us that was decidedly atheist and really seemed to fume at discussions of religion. Another set of people were MENSA freaks and thought all CF folk were smarter than everyone else and couldn't stand the 'stupid' people that came around.
As far as I know, I'm the only member of Mensa on this board, and as far as I know, none of those people who started the Other Board are Mensans. As a dues-paying, active member of Mensa, it upsets me when people associate our organization with snobby, intolerant people. Those people may have been smart, but if they have not taken a Mensa-approved test, sent in an application, and paid their membership dues, they have no right to call themselves Mensans.
BTW, it's a common misconception that Mensa is an acronym and therefore should be all caps, but it's not. It's a Latin word and should be lower-case except for the first letter. I'm not saying this to correct your spelling, but to correct a popular misconception about the name of the organization.
to the boards Paris. Wow, I feel so very sorry for your situation right now.
I do hope that you keep the lines of communication going with your finace and let him know that you will NEVER change your mind about wanting kids.
If this is starting now, and your not even married yet. Chances are it will NOT stop.
Take it from one of the senior members here at WKYN
IT does not get better with time, it only gets worse.
The outside pressures will continue to haunt you. BUT its all up to you and what you want out of YOUR life.
I feel bad for you that your right arm and hand suffers so.
I too am disabled in the same place but a similiar reason.
I suffer from extensive NERVE DAMAGE and my right arm and hand.
It happened to me back in 98 ( long story)
I am typing with only 2 fingers, lol.
But anyway, I feel your pain,
and if you ever need a shoulder to vent on feel free to PM me as well.
Take Care Paris and
to you
paris04 Wrote:I'm actually new to the child-free movement,
Check out the No Kidding! website,
http://www.nokidding.net, and see if there is a chapter near you. It's a great way to socialize with other people who don't have kids! If you can't find a chapter in your area, there might still be a childfree group near you. Several groups split off from the main organzation last year, such as Austin, TX, Dallas, TX, and Albuquerque, NM.
You can also go to
http://www.meetup.com, put in your zip code, and search under the keyword "childfree" or "childless": there are a lot of childfree meetup groups out there too.
CF Scorpio Wrote:As far as I know, I'm the only member of Mensa on this board, and as far as I know, none of those people who started the Other Board are Mensans.
LOL I was referring to our lovely HARVARD LAW girl, who once informed me that nearly all members of the NYC chapter of NK! were also mensa. She never liked how lowbrow it got around here. Her husband did (he was a riot) but not her.
LOL Jo. I can't believe you remember all this stuff. I totally forgot about her Mensa obsession.